sedgwick Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 (edited) Um, that's supposed to say "help" with NC, but for some reason I guess the word "help" is not allowed. LS cut it out and I can't edit it. Okay, so as you guys know, I unblocked his number yesterday, and sent him a text back in November telling him he could contact me after Jan 15. Today is 6 months since we broke up, since I've seen him. A friend who works for the MIT radio station told me today that he interviewed the ex and his band on Saturday. He said, "We didn't talk, it was just a music interview and then they had to leave. I guess they toured a lot last year." I was like, uh, yeah. Guess they still are. I haven't heard from him. Nothing at all. And I want SO MUCH to email him and just say, "My book is turned in. You're unblocked. Never forget that I love you always, unconditionally, for exactly who you are." It makes me so sad that he doesn't even want to speak to me anymore. He can't even send me a one-sentence email that says "Congrats on the book." He could even say "Congrats on the book but I never want to speak to you again." Just anything. Knowing that he's decided to cut me out of his life completely, and totally ignore me, just breaks my heart all over again. What did I do to make him hate me like this? I love him so much. I would do anything for him. All I wanted was a chance to make his life a more beautiful place. All I wanted was to totally support his music and the person he is for the rest of my life. And I was so worthless to him he decided the correct response to that was to put me down for not being a musician and never speak to me again. I've never loved anyone like I love him. I've never been this purely and sincerely into anybody, ever. And my love is completely worthless. He decided that everything I had to offer was not only not enough, it was so unimportant as to just pretend I don't exist. Hell, maybe he doesn't even remember who I am. Maybe that's how inconsequential I was to him. I don't even care about dignity right now. I just want to hear him say, "Yes, I know how much you love me, and I am so much too cool for you that I don't need it." I mean, does he have, like, a million women telling him they feel this for him? Is that why it meant nothing when I said it? Today I feel worthless all over again. I never thought I could love anyone like I love him. I dreamt of being able to feel love like that. And then I did, and he said he loved me back, and it was AMAZING until the second he told me I wasn't a musician and bailed. It's like the universe was just waiting to throw my love back in my face and tell me it wasn't good enough. I cannot even imagine ever trusting another human being again. That's the part that hurts the worst. Edited January 17, 2008 by sedgwick
Lee725 Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Hi sedgwick, i don't want to build unfounded hope but it is only the 17th! - I would maybe give it a little more time before being so hard on yourself. Some men don't like being given date/time constraints so maybe he is just hanging it out a little? (again i don't want to give you unfounded hope) I really don't know what to say because i know that you have heard it all before, i just wanted to let you know that i read your post and i have everything crossed for you that something happens that makes you feel a little better.
Author sedgwick Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 It's the 16th! Believe me, I'm counting the minutes. Last night every time I fell asleep I dreamt we spoke again. Then I'd wake up totally drenched in sweat and shivering and realize it wasn't true. This happened, like, every hour. I don't know if I'm going to survive this. He took my self-confidence and just absolutely destroyed it. The best part is that two years before we got together, I realized I needed to work on a lot of my own issues and to take time off from relationships until I did that. So I spent two full years going to therapy and doing yoga and meditating and dramatically improving my life, and then when I met him it still took me another six months to make sure I wanted to have a relationship. Finally I realized I was really, deeply in love with him, so I told him. I told him I had spent two years dealing with what I had to deal with, and that I wanted to make sure I could be careful with someone's heart before I got into another relationship. I told him he was so special that he was the person I was choosing to try that with. I said, "If I can't trust you, or you can't handle it that I love you, please just tell me now, because this is a really big and scary gift I want to give you. I want to be the best possible version of myself for you, the best possible partner." And god, I worked SO hard to be that. I was so proud of myself throughout the whole relationship. And he was all, oh yeah, you can trust me, I love you too, and we had an amazing year, and then all of a sudden I just wasn't a musician so he couldn't love me and I never saw him again. How do you ever pick yourself up after something like that? How do you deal with it when you KNOW you did the absolute best you could and you bent over backwards to be good to someone and let them know how precious they were to you, and then one day they tell you they need you to be a fiddle player and never speak to you again?
JosieMcCoy Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 NC is SOOO HARD!!! Its because no logic you can think of can help kill the emotion! Only time hon!!! At least in my experience! Don't get back with an ex! It will never work out! It's like discovering milk that spoiled in the fridge, and instead of throwing it out, you are putting it back in hopes it will be good again! Cheers!!!
Cobra_X30 Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 NC is SOOO HARD!!! Its because no logic you can think of can help kill the emotion! Only time hon!!! At least in my experience! Don't get back with an ex! It will never work out! It's like discovering milk that spoiled in the fridge, and instead of throwing it out, you are putting it back in hopes it will be good again! Cheers!!! Naw, NC is pretty easy once you get the technique down. Getting back together with an ex is usually a losing endevor.
Ashbash11 Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 NC is very very hard!! I'm struggling with it as well, but like the others have said, it's really the way to go, especially when your love is unrecriprocated, or your ex is refusing to talk to you. By the way, I really love the "spoiled milk" reference, JosieMcoy.. very clever!
Author sedgwick Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 You guys, I really appreciate every response. I need it right now. This week is very hard because I was really hoping he'd contact me, and I'm trying to remind myself it's not all my fault that he left me and isn't speaking to me. I did everything I possibly could to be an awesome girlfriend, and I honestly think I was one. It's just hard not to chase him down and beg him to love me again. Someday I'll find a guy who WANTS a girl who gives him massages (I give a kickass massage if I do say so), knits him stuff, bellydances naked for him, offers to take him on vacation with her book money, can do the splits, and has a great porn collection (which she's studied intently.) Dammit, I know he's out there somewhere! I KNOW IT!!! (did i ever mention to you guys that the night before he dumped me i fed him fresh mozzarella and olive bread with basil and tomatoes i grew myself and rubbed his back while he ate it? yeah. totally did.)
Cobra_X30 Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 I did everything I possibly could to be an awesome girlfriend, and I honestly think I was one. It's just hard not to chase him down and beg him to love me again. Someday I'll find a guy who WANTS a girl who gives him massages (I give a kickass massage if I do say so), knits him stuff, bellydances naked for him, offers to take him on vacation with her book money, can do the splits, and has a great porn collection (which she's studied intently.) Dammit, I know he's out there somewhere! I KNOW IT!!! (did i ever mention to you guys that the night before he dumped me i fed him fresh mozzarella and olive bread with basil and tomatoes i grew myself and rubbed his back while he ate it? yeah. totally did.) Just wait until you find a guy that does all that stuff for you!
JosieMcCoy Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Naw, NC is pretty easy once you get the technique down. Getting back together with an ex is usually a losing endevor. I hear that it is not recommended, but only from people that are in the process of getting back with their ex's themselves!!! How does that make sense? Do you believe people actully give advice they dont themeselves follow?
stepheine Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Hi Sedgwick!! You were such a good friend to me when I needed you and you are a great person, I could tell from the responses you gave me. Don't be so hard on yourself!! I loved a guy once and felt the same way you do because no matter how hard I tried or how much I gave I never felt good enough. Almost a year later he admits and I know he is the one who had the issues not me. If this guy could just walk away from you in this way because you do not have talent that he has or whatever then definetly he has issues!! You respect and admire his talent he should respect your talents you wrote a book, that is not easy!! He has serious insecurity issues and thats that. I bet you will hear from him soon though. Hang in there. I do feel that you should tell him how you feel and that you loved him because it can be very therapeutic at least for me but be fair to yourself. best wishes
Lee725 Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 It's the 16th! Believe me, I'm counting the minutes. Sorry, i forgot we are a day ahead here in Aus. Last night every time I fell asleep I dreamt we spoke again. Then I'd wake up totally drenched in sweat and shivering and realize it wasn't true. This happened, like, every hour. I don't know if I'm going to survive this. He took my self-confidence and just absolutely destroyed it. The dreams can be the worst. In our waking lives we can forget, ignore, NC, whatever you like, in the darkness your brain does a big "hi - i am still here" thing. He didn't take it all sedgwick, somewhere deep inside there is some left, you just need to find it and make it grow. I told him he was so special that he was the person I was choosing to try that with. I said, "If I can't trust you, or you can't handle it that I love you, please just tell me now, because this is a really big and scary gift I want to give you. I want to be the best possible version of myself for you, the best possible partner." And god, I worked SO hard to be that. I was so proud of myself throughout the whole relationship. And he was all, oh yeah, you can trust me, I love you too, and we had an amazing year, and then all of a sudden I just wasn't a musician so he couldn't love me and I never saw him again. You laid your heart out and he stomped on it. As much as i want to give you all the right words here my friend, i don't have them , i cant explain it nor believe that people actually do it. Oh Sedgwick, i am sending you the biggest most useless cyber hug right now. How do you ever pick yourself up after something like that? How do you deal with it when you KNOW you did the absolute best you could and you bent over back wards to be good to someone and let them know how precious they were to you, and then one day they tell you they need you to be a fiddle player and never speak to you again? All i can say here is the son of a *****, didn't deserve you as much as you thought he did, as much as you wanted to believe he did. What right does he have right now to own this? to own you? You are an inspiration in so many ways even on here, so in your "real" life i can only imagine how many people look up to you. I can not strip from him what he has taken to give back to you. I can not offer you words of comfort that will have an astounding affect on you. (as much as i would like to) I can remind you that you are loved. I can remind you that you are perfect, because you are you. I can remind you that you are a whole person without him. (Although right now you feel his loss). I can remind you that you are human. You have the right to feel pain, sadness, loss, humiliation, betrayal, but more than anything you have the right to be loved the way you love.
Florida Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 I get the strong feeling that he did not want to be loved. He wanted only half the reciprocation. You loved him with all your being. He didn't take it to be mean, he just didn't realize he did not want to be loved the way you loved him. Invert that: He did not want all that love, he did not know what to do with it. He is the kind that needs to feel half empty. I'm sorry. You did your best, and you'll find another who can accept love in a healthy way.
Ronni_W Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 What did I do to make him hate me like this? Hey, Sedg. My ex recently started acting like a 'hillbilly' -- it never dawned on me that he hates me or that there's ANYthing at all "wrong/bad/negative" about ME...he's just a freakin' idiotic moron, is all. It really isn't us...it really is them!!! Why torment yourself looking for his reasons and excuses for why he treats you badly? Maybe he's just too freakin' embarrassed cos he finally clued in that you're waayyyy too good for him, in every sense of what that encompasses. And maybe now he feels like an @ss for letting you get away. I'm not sure what is the benefit to you, of rehashing all that stuff you did and made and cooked for him(?) If it's helping you maintain NC, then cool - keep on doing it. But if not, then... Hang in there. Sure, dump your pride if you must but for goodness' sake don't also dump your dignity and self-respect .
BrownBear Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Hey Sedgwick, Just want to say I've been coming to LS for the past three months pretty much every day and in that time I've got a rough idea of what some of the more prominent poster's have going on in their lifes. (This includes you) Sedgwick it really is time to wake up and smell the roses - your ex left because he was'nt feeling the way you were about the relationship. He was no longer in love with you. To suggest he got up and walked away simply because your not a musician is a ridiculous notion. Clearly he cared for you greatly and that's why he lied - he did'nt want to break you in two by saying he no longer loved you. He was trying to protect you. People change and people move on and ALL of us here at LS must learn to accept this. Sedgewick you sound like the most amazing girl. Your posts are witty and always make me smile and to boot you sound like a hottie. So stop feeding yourself with all this negative BS about how he did'nt care and how you're worthless. As I said earlier he DID care and that's why he lied. It's just that inadvertely he's put you into a state of limbo. You can't help but think theres still a chance. He's broken up with me simply because I'm not a musician.....that's stupid. He's obviously confused - he's going to come back to me as soon as he come's to his senses -because he's in love with me. Sedge he's not coming back, he's not in love with you. Bite the bullet and move on. I hope you understand all I've tried to do is be honest and say what I can see from my perspective. P.S I really do think your great.
Author sedgwick Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 oh, believe me, brownbear, i harbor no delusions that he loves me. in fact, i'm fairly sure he either hates me or has forgotten i exist. in all honesty, i'd be very surprised if he even remembered me. i just found out that he broke up with another woman for not being a good enough musician, and then he drove another girlfriend's confidence in her musicianship down so far that she broke up with him before she stopped playing altogether. he went on and on about how much he loved this girl (the one who dumped him) and how she broke his heart, etc, and then i found out he took her to a music festival and wouldn't play with her the entire week because there were "better" musicians there and he preferred to play with them. this man sleeps with his bass in bed beside him, his guitar at his feet, his banjo at the head of the bed, and his fiddle on the floor beside his glasses so it's the first thing he sees every morning when he puts them on. once when we were in bed i asked him what he liked and he said, "fiddle tunes." seven hours before he dumped me, he fell asleep holding me and said, "i love you." when we finally spoke a month after we broke up, the first thing he said was, "i love you. some other women were hitting on me at this music festival but i turned them down." then, the next time we talked, he said, "i didn't fall out of love with you but i felt like i might so i broke up with you before that happened." he prides himself on being brutally honest. i really, really do think, in this case, that he DID break up with me for not being a musician. his obsession with music to the exclusion of all else -- including his own health and human relationships -- is the stuff of legend. he is emaciated (6'2", 125 lbs, lost 10 lbs in the year we were together because he can't stop playing music to eat), and i begged him over and over to please drink ensure shakes or eat candy bars or whatever he had to do to gain some weight, but going and getting them would have taken time away from music. he would regularly forget to shower for days at a time because he was playing music, and when he'd finally show up at my house i'd make him bathe before i hugged him because he smelled so awful.
serendip Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 he prides himself on being brutally honest. i really, really do think, in this case, that he DID break up with me for not being a musician. his obsession with music to the exclusion of all else -- including his own health and human relationships -- is the stuff of legend. If he is like this...then you have your closure. He is your obsession but you are not his...so it's best feel the pain of all the emotions(anger, sadness...etc) and then to try to move on
PLAYBRAT Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Hey Sedge... I am going to tell you something that everyone will probably disagree with. I think you SHOULD email him. And tell him EXACTLY what you told us in your first post to this thread. Tell him how you feel.....and how his actions have made you feel. Don't do it for HIM do it for YOU. I think you have all this stuff you want to say to him, that you haven't been able to. I give you credit for maintaining NC all this time. Not many can do it that diligently, but what happens is the silence drives you crazy. I doubt you meant NOTHING to him...but of course he probably assumes since he has not heard from you then you have moved on. He is only doing what is NORMAL. You are a strong woman. That shows in your posts... You are a writer. Put it to good use by articulating how you feel and what he meant to you. Maybe he doesn't KNOW it. You need to appeal to his emotions..and only YOU know what might work for him. If he is a sentimaental guy a heartfelt email might provoke something in him. I am sure if he is a musician he MUST appreciate something lyrical. If nothing else....you will KNOW you told him how you feel. If that doesn't move him then you can feel good in knowing you tried . Don;t let the fear of contacting him stop you. Up until this point you have maintained your dignity. There is NOTHING undignified in telling someone that you love them. I think you should do it for YOU. I really do. That is MY feeling about it...
PLAYBRAT Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Hey Sedge... I am going to tell you something that everyone will probably disagree with. I think you SHOULD email him. And tell him EXACTLY what you told us in your first post to this thread. Tell him how you feel.....and how his actions have made you feel. Don't do it for HIM do it for YOU. I think you have all this stuff you want to say to him, that you haven't been able to. I give you credit for maintaining NC all this time. Not many can do it that diligently, but what happens is the silence drives you crazy. I doubt you meant NOTHING to him...but of course he probably assumes since he has not heard from you then you have moved on. He is only doing what is NORMAL. You are a strong woman. That shows in your posts... You are a writer. Put it to good use by articulating how you feel and what he meant to you. Maybe he doesn't KNOW it. You need to appeal to his emotions..and only YOU know what might work for him. If he is a sentimental guy a heartfelt email might provoke something in him. I am sure if he is a musician he MUST appreciate something lyrical. If nothing else....you will KNOW you told him how you feel. If that doesn't move him then you can feel good in knowing you tried . Don;t let the fear of contacting him stop you. Up until this point you have maintained your dignity. There is NOTHING undignified in telling someone that you love them. I think you should do it for YOU. I really do. That is MY feeling about it...
serendip Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 If nothing else....you will KNOW you told him how you feel. If that doesn't move him then you can feel good in knowing you tried . Don;t let the fear of contacting him stop you. Up until this point you have maintained your dignity. There is NOTHING undignified in telling someone that you love them. I think you should do it for YOU. I really do. That is MY feeling about it... I would agree with you but given what she has posted previously...I think it would set her back more if he doesn't respond I mean he already knows she has unblocked him...and if he hasn't contacted yet...why would he contact her later From what she has said...he's too obssesive about his craft that he might not reply at all or worse she finds out he is with someone else...that would be a set back But no matter what sedge should do what she needs to do...to move on If it is contacting him...do it I guess
PLAYBRAT Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 I suggested this for HER benefit. Not his. Personally he sounds WAY too self absorbed for ANYONE... and I don't think him breaking up with her had any bearing on her as a person or even as a g/f. BUT if this is bothering her this much six months after he broke up with her, then maybe it would be cathartic (sp?) for HER to say all she needs to say to him so she can finally begin to to really let him go.
cant let go Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 you will never move forward until you accept where you are and where you've been. you must realize that this is the way it should be for now and whether you are with this guy or not can have no bearing on your present or future happiness. once you accept that anything is possible, you will see that it won't matter anymore to you whether he comes back or contacts you. you wont need validation from him. sedg, it is taking you so long to get over this because you have not accepted it as your present. you must learn from this. you are in this meantime because there is something you must learn...figure out what that is. start dating!!!! it helps a lot. i'm not saying jump into a relationship... but letting someone else make you laugh and make you feel beautiful really helps. i know that you think the thought of being with anyone else is just gross...but you need to let that go. open your mind to someone new and don't compare him to your ex. i have been giving advice on this board for a while now, but it wasn't until now that i could actually say that i have put all of these things into effect and i am seeing results. i still love my ex and i always will. he is one of the most amazing people i have ever met in my life. that being said, if he came to me tonight begging for me back...i'd turn him down in a heartbeat. if he had a ring...that might be a different story.
norajane Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 his obsession with music to the exclusion of all else -- including his own health and human relationships -- is the stuff of legend. he would regularly forget to shower for days at a time because he was playing music, and when he'd finally show up at my house i'd make him bathe before i hugged him because he smelled so awful. Yeah, so, then what makes you think he remembers what day it is? Or that you even told him he could talk to you after the 15th? And most of all, why do you think he'd have gotten over his obsession now to the point he'd actually care about a relationship? What makes you think he would ever get over it enough to be a good partner to anyone? He's a lost cause, and I don't mean just your relationship. He's NEVER going to be able to give to anyone, or to accept love.
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