notyourbiz Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 Ok, me and my BF started dating a year and 4 months ago... he's 22 and I'm 19 but we just clicked! We have lots in common, and even have a band together 'cos we like the same music and we both play guitar... Everything was great until our 6 month. See, we met 'cos he saw me talking to this mutual friend, and thought I was beautiful so he asked our friend for my email. The thing is, 6 months into the relationship he got jealous of the mutual friend and asked me if I had ever had something with him. I had a fwb with that guy... the most I did was give him oral sex. I lied (stupid me!) and denied it, because I knew how upset my BF would get. (Plus I was embarrassed about it since I was young when I did all that, and had never talked about it with anyone.) Of course he didn't buy it and I had to come clean... however, I lied about some other bits... he later found out 'cos I came clean. I know this was a huge mistake... he even broke up with me but regretted it because he said he can live with it, I just have to earn his trust back and be patient. Well... he started digging info about my WHOLE past though! He asks for details on the other guys I've kissed, I never had a BF until him. What did I do to that (now ex) friend, how often did he came to my house, why did I hook up with strangers at the bar (No sex, just kissing... actually I lost my virginity to my BF)... etc. There are two strangers I hooked up with at the bar... aand it upsets him because he thinks I was (am) promisucous... of course I wouldn't do any of that now! But he doesn't believe me... Now, I'm jealous of his ex. He only had one GF before, who broke his heart. Before seriously having a relationship they were dating, supposedly, exclusively. All his friends knew he was with her... however, she was secretly seeing his best friend simultaneously. They were together for like 5 months, he lost his virginity to her (and she did to him), but he dumped her because of what she had done with his friend. My BF always puts me down because of what I did, and he made it seem as he had no crap in his past and that he was always the victim, and he always had a serious relationship... he even told me I was lucky, because I was the only girl he'd ever given second chances and that. But today he told me how he took her back for like a week, and how after months after the break up had passed, they hooked up, that he didn't want her back he just hokked up with her because he liked her and because she's pretty... Really, she CHEATED on him and he just hooked up with her because she's pretty? Makes me wonder just how much more important she was to him... if he looked over the fact she cheated... and everyone knew she had cheated... he always gives me a hard time because of my past, saying I had no dignity and self respect, but what about him? And the girl's so pretty dammit, I'm not. He says she's not special, that I shouldn't worry that he loves me more than anything and that she's nothing compared to me. I find it hard to believe. And it pisses me off that when I tell him the same about my ex fwb he just brushes it off, like it didn't matter that I love him... he's my first love fo christ's sake! (sorry for the lenght)
Ronni_W Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 He says she's not special, that I shouldn't worry that he loves me more ... I find it hard to believe. And it pisses me off that when I tell him the same about my ex fwb he just brushes it off, like it didn't matter that I love him... Sorry...I'm totally confused: [1] What is it about your b/f that you don't trust what he tells you? [2] What is it about you, that your b/f doesn't trust about what you tell him? [3] Why are you both more concerned about the past than about building a wonderful future? [4] Is there anything positive and uplifting for either of you in this current relationship?
Geishawhelk Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 Now ronni_w, that's hardly constructive... NNYB, this is what you have to do. Go back into your boyfriend's past, and have a word with his girlfriend then, tell her you'll be going out with her soon-to-be ex-boyfriend, and could she please not ever have been a part of his life at all? Thanks a bunch. Now, you give your B/F the key to your past, let him go and knock this other guy's head off his shoulders, prevent anything happening, and make sure he's with you from the word go so that you never ever look at another guy between your puberty, and when you meet him. That's how simple it is. If you can't do this, then I think you should listen to ronni instead, because that advice is much more realistic! Otherwise, I'd give up on relationships, because if you're both going to keep hauling this joint baggage around - you're not mature enough to have a relationship.
Author notyourbiz Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 Sorry...I'm totally confused: [1] What is it about your b/f that you don't trust what he tells you? [2] What is it about you, that your b/f doesn't trust about what you tell him? [3] Why are you both more concerned about the past than about building a wonderful future? [4] Is there anything positive and uplifting for either of you in this current relationship? [1] I don't trust him because he says all that after I get upset when we argue, but when he brings up everything I've done he treats me like crap about it, saying how could I be so easy, have no self respect, etc... and I feel he says that just so I won't break up with him, plus he never talks bad about her and sometimes that makes me feel as if I'm the worst girl he's ever been with, because he uses harder terms with me and is much judgemental. Plus after months after breaking up with him, after the pain and humilliation she caused him, he took her back... she must've been so special then, I doubt he'd do that with me because he has treated me so bad after all this that it still makes me feel I'm a lesser person than her to him because he has never treated her as a "whore" like he has told me! [2] He says actions speak louder than words... he thinks the other guy was more important because he was my "first" guy, even though we never dated and my "ex" didn't even have a crush on me, because I did everything he said just so he'd reciprocate. And because my mom was a friend of his mom, because he was friends with my sister, because he came over for my birthday and New Year's, because my sis had put his pic on the fridge (along pics of her other friends) and so my BF says my ex was like "family". Of course not, but my BF is a very stubborn man... I didn't even love the guy, and actually our fwb was a pain because I had a huge crush on him and he never reciprocated! So how could it be special if I was suffering? [3] Insecurities, I guess. I hate feeling he's with me just because he fell in love with me... like if he had the chance he wouldn't love me because he's said I've dissapointed him so much. I hate feeling that his ex was a better person than me, more special, because that's how he makes me feel. He says he feels I was dirty, that I'm a whore, but that he loves me, that he wishes he had been a special or importanta as the other guy, that he wishes he'd known me forever... but that he can't believe I had a feelingless, sex based relationship with the other guy... that how could I be like that and he though I was different, he says he can't trust me and thinks I may cheat at any moment... [4] Sure there is! We don't talk about this very often, nor is it all we talk about! We have a band, we share a lot of great stuff... I dare say our relationship was perfect until these problems arised, because honestly, it's the only problem we have. Sadly a major one, but there's nothing else... really we get along great and always share a laugh! I don't know how to explain it... but it's awesome, yeah. We both agree it's worth working on these issues.
Author notyourbiz Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 Oh and they still talk, whereas I stopped talking with the other guy to avoid problems...
Ronni_W Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Now ronni_w, that's hardly constructive... ...the key to your past, Geisha, you're right, that was quite deconstructive of me! BUT...where can I buy one of those keys you mentioned -- do you think it would work to 'vanish' my own ex, who has recently started acting all weird and freaky (after 10 years of relative peace and harmony)???
Ronni_W Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 (edited) [3] Insecurities, I guess. I hate feeling he's with me just because he fell in love with me... like if he had the chance he wouldn't love me [4] Sure there is! I guess his emotional immaturity is showing, and you are allowing yourself to get caught up in the drama that he's so busy creating in his head. Is that a possibility? Love is also a choice that we each make. He is just snowing himself if he thinks he had/has no say in the matter of loving you -- What happened? You gained some 'good witch' powers and just went "abracadabra" and all-of-a-sudden he HAD NO CHOICE and was in love with you??? I'd have to agree with you that it's your insecurities (low self-esteem) that is causing you to put up with being treated so abusively. You do not deserve to be called such names and made to feel as if you are worthless. You are absolutely worthy and deserving of being treated with respect, consideration and dignity! What you've desribed does not meet the standard of "a major problem" in an otherwise *perfect* relationship. Respect and trust form the FOUNDATION of a loving, supportive, encouraging, growth-inspiring relationship, romantic or platonic. When you don't have that, you really don't have the basic ingredients for a positive relationship. What you've described, I am sorry to say, is a crummy, emotionally abusive relationship with just enough tiny little "niceties" thrown in to keep you hooked. You really, truly, honestly deserve so much better than what you're settling for here! Edited January 17, 2008 by Ronni_W grammar
Geishawhelk Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 :do you think it would work to 'vanish' my own ex, who has recently started acting all weird and freaky (after 10 years of relative peace and harmony)??? I could tell you... but then you'd have to kill me.....
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