FsuBA34 Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 (i apologize for this being so incredibly long, there's a lot of context here) I've been dating this girl Allison on and off for a while now. We've never been actually officially together, but we were going through everything in a typical relationship, and I used something similar to your ultra short term relationship to actually get it going. I met this girl early last year at Barnes and Noble (she works in the cafe), and everytime I went in there we would always flirt back and forth. Well one time she finally told me she was going to be at this club in town one night, so I went there, with plans on asking her out and whatnot. So, she wasn't there that night, or the next few times I was at Barnes and Noble. So eventually I decided to see if I could find her on facebook, and I did. We talked for a while, I inevitably got her number, and we finally went on a date, after she no-showed to a party i invited to her (which her friend later told me was her fault, she didn't know who I was so she didn't let Allison go). I had a feeling I was in for something potentially crazy, because she's only 20, and I'm 25. So we went on seeing each other for about 5-6 weeks, talked quite a bit, had dates like every Saturday. Well one mistake I know I made with this girl is I started making assumptions that I eventually found out were false. Like I assumed she was a virgin, because she always acted really shy when it came to sexual things (like quickly changing the channel when a sex scene was coming up on something we were watching, and not pushing it any further when we would make out, etc.). And the other assumption I made was based on my last relationship. I started doing much more nice things then I had in my last relationship, essentially going from the "not paying enough attention" to "paying too much attention". I started doing romantic things for her before we were actually together, and I think it freaked her out a bit, which she later admitted to me (like I sent her flowers to her work when I was out of town and I knew she had to work late one night, and we had only been seeing each other for like 6 weeks or so). It's funny, looking back, dating this girl has put me in almost a high school frame of mind, i've made so many classic mistakes with her. Well one night before I left town, our communication got screwed up, and we didn't get a hold of each other on a night we were supposed to have a date, so she thought I stood her up. She acted kind of strange to me, up until i left town for two weeks. So one night when I got back from being out of town for two weeks, she sent me a "leave me alone" text message. At that point, I figured it was over, and about a week later I wrote her a facebook message (I know, I didn't call her...but I had lost my phone and numbers, so I actually had an excuse, since I couldn't remember her nubmers) saying that I didn't understand the text message, I wasn't trying to freak her out about wanting a relationship, said something about I'd wait as long as it took (the virgin thing), and how I wasn't going to hold a grudge if I saw her again (assuming that was the end). She wrote me back saying "I got your message, I can't write you back now, but I will soon". Eventually, that was like a week later, shortly after she had actually texted me that night, and I wrote her back saying 'who is this?" (I still didn't have my numbers, but I figured it was her), and then she actually called me that night. Well later that night, she wrote me back a long message, saying she was drunk and didn't mean to write me that, saying she hoped we could still each other, but if not wanted to at least be friends. Well, it took about 2-3 more weeks after that, we occasionally contacted each other, until one night when she texted me asking if I was going to this one bar, which i wasn't, but decided to change and go there. Finally I got in and we saw each other for the first time in like 6-7 weeks or so, and I talked to her and her friend (who's become a big part of what's screwed this up). After I left that night she texted me saying "it was great seeing you" and we talked back and forth a bit and she said "hope to talk to you soon". Well we both had to be up for class like 5 hours later, and she texted me that morning, and that's when it started. Before I met this girl, I could barely type a text message. Now I've sent so many back and forth with her, I could practically write them blind. From that morning, for about the next 6 weeks (familiar mark in time) we texted non-stop, day in, day out, every single day. If we went more than like two hours without talking, she would apologize to me.She was flirting with me like crazy, and things were probably more intense than they were over the summer. We talked about everything, including creating a fake honeymooon for ourselves, after I jokingly told her I was going to take her to the bahamas and marry her now after she said something I liked. The first time I saw her after that, I went out with her and her friend. One of the first things she told me was "Allison has a problem with lying", which has later turned out to be true. She lies, but not about really important things (usually), it's usually to spare people's feelings (which later has turned out to be me). So in the interest of speeding this up (I know you're probably like...get to the point!), I'll say her friend did a number of things, including putting words in my mouth, saying to Allison I said things to her that I never said. It seemed like from the beginning she's tried to keep Allison and I from getting together. Also, Allison's been going through a lot with her family, starting since I've known her. She had her favorite grandmother die over the summer, along with another relative, and both of her grandfathers are terminally ill, so she's been dealing with that all along (which I've also found myself making excuses for). So, Allison and I did a few things in the second six weeks, went on a few dates, she came over here for a party. About three weeks in, after she saw me one night, she sent me this incredibly lengthy text message, asking if I actually liked her saying that it was important to her, and that she wasn't going to "just sleep with me". So, rather than playing it off, I naturally bit, assuming she was different, and told her I was into her for her, not just to have sex with her. But she did like that, because after that, she started complimenting me left and right, coming on to me more than ever, etc. So I made plans with her to take her to my parents beachhouse one weekend, where I thought we would consimate the thing (nice wording huh?) and get together. Well that weekend turned into one giant disaster. I bought her a red rose, and was going to ask her to be my girlfriend before we left, but she said she didn't like awkard moments when I started to talk, so I instead just said something about looking forward to the weekend, we kissed and left. Eventually I had car issues, and we got stuck on the side of the road waiting forever for someone to come help me fix it. Well standing in the grass for a long time, her allergies flared up and she got hellaciously sick. We stopped at my parents house to have dinner, and it occured to me right when we got there I had told them I was bringing my girlfriend home (I was confident she would say yes) and we never talked about it. So like a genius, I sprung it on her right before we got inside, saying "do you mind if I call you my girlfriend to my grandparents?" and she said she didn't, for the sake of my family. And I said "well it's basically a formality anyway, right?" to which she didn't say anything. Well, on the drive down to the beachouse, she asked me who all I called her my girlfriend to, and i said they were the first, and I had meant to talk to her about it before. Well she said "there's nothing really to talk about", so I assumed at that point, that meant we were together. But, with her being sick, the rest of the weekend wasn't nearly as great as I hoped. I didn't try to mess around with her at all, because she was so sick. But I made a few references to us being together, and she didn't say anything. So when we got back, after I dropped her off, I wrote her a text saying "I'm glad we're together now...and I guess we'll have to update our facebook status hahaha", and she responded saying "just because you called me that, doesn't mean we're together". At that point, I made another mistake and flipped out mentally, and wrote her this incredibly long text saying we were at that point, it had been 5 months (since our firstdate), she was all I thought about, etc. etc. The other reason I was doing this, because I knew she was about to go to New Orleans for a concert with her ex-boyfriend (who she didn't tell me was her ex, her friend had to tell me, and she also told me she was going with multiple people besides him, which later turned out not to be true) At that point, that's when things began to change, and I knew after I had done it I had made a mistake. A few days later she texted me and I said I didn't want to ruin what we already had. Well, I saw her two days after that with her and her friend, and I felt awkward about what I had done, so I acted kind of strange around her, not really saying much. Her friend took my awkwardness as being towards her (this is the same one as before). Well she got really drunk that night, and I took care of her, and at one point she called me by her ex's name. The next day she was supposed to go to a football game with me, but she was too sick, so she couldn't go. That night was the last time I saw her, and this was 3 months ago at this point. After this (and after she went to New Orleans with her ex, which was like a week later), we started getting into occasional arguments (one involving that same girl, yet again) and she would make really bad excuses about why she couldn't do things with me. But, she would also apologize, calling me one time in tears apologizing for our arguments, and I felt really bad, because she was dealing with family stuff. I started getting fed up, and finally at one point she offered to come see me before one of the football games. Well, I could tell she wasn't trying very hard, and she didn't make it out in time. But she offered to do something with me after the game. Well my phone screwed up, and again, I accidentally stood her up, after not getting any calls or texts from her that day until the next day.The funny thing about all this, is we still talked about as much as we had. She still called me multiple times a day, we still texted back and forth essentially all day, except some times the gaps in time would get a lot bigger, and she wouldn't apologize to me the way she used to. I had a feeling her ex was looming. So to makeup for me accidentally standing her up, we made plans for a few days later. Well, this is when the final straw had broken I thought, because she completely stood me up, didn't answer any of my calls or texts, and just disappeared. So I was done at that point. I figured it was over. Two weeks later (about a month ago now) she texted me during a Chicago Bears game (I had gotten her to become a big fan), and I decided eventually to talk to her to see what she had to say. It seemed like the time apart worked, we were talking back and forth similar to how we had before, and she told me she had been essentially disowned from her family right before she stood me up, and no one in her family was talking to her. So I decided I'd cut her break, and I even told her I had, and that I normally wouldn't have. This is the problem I've realized I've been doing, I keep making excuses for her. So we talked over christmas break, when I was back at home four hours away, basically every day again. Probably not as much as before (we'd go through like 40 texts or so per day a piece, it was down to 10-20), and we have actually only spoken on the phone twice for about 30 seconds each time since we started talking again. Well I sent her a cheesy but funny christmas card, and I later wrote her another note, attempting to explain everything that happened, trying to say it was clear we weren't ready for a relationship, etc. This was right before New Years. Shortly after that, she had something happen (not sure what, I think it was family related, since she made two seperate trips last month) and we didn't talk for a few days. Well, last Sunday (10 days ago), which happened to be the day I got back in town, she texted me, and we started talking about as much as we had before again. I felt pretty good about it, thinking we'd get a fresh start. Well I had told her about a party i was going to have over break, and when it was, and she told me she might have to travel. Well, when I invited her offically on facebook, she turned it down,and explained to me saying "I have a party to go to where someone invited me first". I started seeing these excuses again, which we had never had the chance, since I couldn't invite her to do something from Orlando. Well it continued, up through this past Sunday, and I even told her she was giving me really flimsy excuses when she never used to, and I was getting skeptical of her. I even proved her wrong on one and said "you understand why i'm skeptical?" and she said yeah. At that point I decided I was going into "no contact" (this was three days ago), that I just basically wasn't going to say anything to her. She texted later that night saying "The cowboys lost!!!" and I didn't respond. She texted me yesterday morning saying "what time do you get out of class?" and I didn't respond to that either, I didn't want her to think I was just going to cave. A few times when I've taken a while to respond, she's responded to me much better, this is why I think not contacting her will work. Even if it doesn't, it'll finally give me some sort of closure to things, even though we've never technically been together OR broken up. My question is, will this work? Am I going to actually get my point across by just ignoring her totally? Thanks so much for spending your time reading this, and I'm looking forward to your response.
oppath Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 there is so much unhealthy here I don't even know where to start. END THIS. Just tell her "look, this isn't working out, with all the drama, off and on stuff we've had, I think that means we aren't right for each other. Healthy relationships aren't like that. I think it's best if we refrain from speaking for each other for a while so we can separate and not stay attached. Maybe a friendship will be possible in a few months, but this is over, and it's time to move on."
Krytie TV Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 You lost me after the fifth paragraph. I would just say walk away from this and just start fresh with someone else. You have regressed to a high school sophomore with this girl. Move on and kill the drama.
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