Heaven and Hell

[mtndew]

This is my first attempt and it is probably a bit long, sorry. In july of '06, I turned 50 and started having the who am I, where am I "midlife crisis". I have been with my wife 23 years, 19 in marriage, with 2 kids, 13 & 9. She has always had severe anger issues and has always fought a weight problem. Me, I'm kinda passive aggressive. Together, it's sometimes extremely volatile. I was 32 when I got married and probably did so because everyone else I knew was and she was the best W material I had found in my somewhat limited experience. Did I love her when we married? Definately, but it wasn't that "crazy" kind of love thing. We've had our share of times, great, horrific, good, routine. Like everyone else I guess.

For my "crisis" I determined changes were needed. No more being passive, being runover by everyone especially W, etc. 9 months later the crisis got interesting. I am self employed and bid on a job which I got. My contact with the company was a 46 year old attractive, fun, funny, physically fit, very active, independant lady who happened to be single. She has 2 kids from her first marriage which dissolved due to finances and his dysfunction. She remarried for a year to a 42 yo never married guy who tried to change her into his mold of maid and servant.

To make a long, intense story short, we worked side by side for 6 weeks. There was an instant connection, but one we both ignored, after all we were professionals. As time passed, we got deeper and deeper into each other thru intense, deep, revealing conversations. But nothing physical. I had experienced opportunities in the past with profressional, attractive ladies, but maintained healthy professional relations with them to this day. This lady reminded me of "the one" I let get away. Soul mate material, this current OW & I became so intune it was scary. As the days passed the intensity cranked up and I told her if I ever saw the spark again, I was not going to pass it up this time. And I didn't. After working on the road a full day, back at her car she asked if I had ever had an affair and I said no, which was the truth. I then grabbed her by the neck, pulled her to me, kissed her and watched the world change. All thru this time, my wife, was suspicious of us and one day she met OW at the office. After OW left, W was very upset and said no more work with her after this job is finished.

On the last day of the project, OW and I had dinner together in another suburb of our large town. The most incredible night of my life. Conversation, dinner, drinks, holding hands, baring souls, sharing hearts. My lord, so this is life! She had an art show hosted by a friend she had to attend so 3 hours later we had to leave. Back at her car, she started the most intense passion I had ever experienced. It seemed like an eternity and when the point of no return was about at hand, we stopped, looked at each other intently and went our seperate ways. A glimpse of what life could be like, what life should be like! There were more memories, more goofy little things, phrases, music, incredibly deep soul searching converasations in that 6 weeks than in my 23 years with my wife. And then OW was gone! And so was W for 36 after I got back home. She knew who I had been with.

3 days later I finally got OW on the phone and she said she had to "back out" that she "would not be responsible for breaking up my marriage". I told her it was not her fault, she was responsible for waking me up.

Since then, 7 months have passed. I have had a dinner and a couple of lunches with OW that are still incredible, enough to know the feelings are still there, but so is my band of gold. W has changed a lot in response to our situation, as have I. She much less angry and stressed, me more assertive, confident, and more comforable in my skin. The OW said I had a beautiful soul, but it needed some work. Doing that now. W & I are stronger today than ever before, but I know I kill her daily because I cannot give her all of the rosy answers about the future. I have listened to counselors, they have a new wing on the building with our name on it, and friends even strangers who all say, "work it out at home, at least stay for the kids sake."

Now the dilemna. One, do I stay in my marriage and continue trying to rebuild trust, to rebuild or really to build for the first time a real relationship with W? Can I fall in "crazy love" with her? I am struggling severely because OW still has my "spark" and a rather large piece of my heart. W knows I cannot and will not go back to the way it was in the past. My fear is slowly slipping back and watching the rain wash away the tiger's stripes. Two, do I leave my current situation and pursue OW? I know the feelings are there, but she is at arms length until the ring comes off for good? I know, I know, I don't know her well, it was only 6 weeks, that's the kicker. I want to learn everything about her, to experience her and her me. Is it worth the risk of ending up with nothing? Or is it worth the risk of ending up with everything you ever dreamed of? Or do I choose door #3 which is leave my current situation for x amount of time, figure out who I am, what I want, get my act together once and for all, then see what happens when the dust settles. If anything. I lived by myself for basically the first 12 years of my adult life, and I enjoyed it. The thought now does not scare me either. What's a man to do? Heaven and Hell.

[whichwayisup]

Because of your two children, you owe it to them and to your wife to give your marriage your best shot. End it completely with the OW, tell her goodbye and go no contact. Focus on fixing what is broken within your marriage. Or, divorce your wife right now, and go to your OW. Hopefully you and your wife can still co-parent together and put your children first.

[GreenEyedLady]

One, do I stay in my marriage and continue trying to rebuild trust, to rebuild or really to build for the first time a real relationship with W? Can I fall in "crazy love" with her?

 

You know, I'm divorced so I'm probably not the best person to be giving advice...

 

But I think it depends on what you value: committment at whatever cost or a chance to lead the life you want to lead...

 

Now either of these could go hand in hand, but often they do not...I guess you need to look at your life and decide what is important to you...But don't hurt your W unnecessarily...If your heart is not with her, then let her find someone who will love her the way you feel for your OW...

[OpenBook]

I choose Door #3. Spend some time alone, to clear your head. You're not doing anyone any favors (especially yourself) by waffling in the middle of everything right now. And there is the distinct possibility you're projecting a whole lot of unfulfilled wishes on the OW. You are the only one who can figure all this out. Well, you and a top-notch counselor if you are considering IC. Or even MC... it may be interesting to hear an objective, trained professional make an assessment of your M. It is a Herculean task to find the answers. If it makes you feel any better, a lot of us are in the same boat. Looking for those answers.

[PoshPrincess]

Conversation, dinner, drinks, holding hands, baring souls, sharing hearts. My lord, so this is life!

 

No, this is not necessarily 'life' - this is new relationships! And there is nothing like the buzz you get from that!

 

I think you should take some time out from both Rs to decide who/what you really want and to make sure this OW isn't just a passing infatuation. It doesn't sound like you are completely 'done' with your M. Tell your W that you want so time away to sort yourself out, make sure you reassure her that this is nothing to do with the OW (as in, you are not leaving your W to be with the OW) and DO NOT have any contact with the OW either. Remember that if you stay with your W without sorting your head out of course the grass is going to appear greener!

 

Lots of luck

[Meaplus3]

Conversation, dinner, drinks, holding hands, baring souls, sharing hearts. My lord, so this is life!

 

No, this is not necessarily 'life' - this is new relationships! And there is nothing like the buzz you get from that!

 

I think you should take some time out from both Rs to decide who/what you really want and to make sure this OW isn't just a passing infatuation. It doesn't sound like you are completely 'done' with your M. Tell your W that you want so time away to sort yourself out, make sure you reassure her that this is nothing to do with the OW (as in, you are not leaving your W to be with the OW) and DO NOT have any contact with the OW either. Remember that if you stay with your W without sorting your head out of course the grass is going to appear greener!

 

Lots of luck

 

I agree with posh! Good luck!

 

AP:)

[frannie]

It's impossible to say whether things with the OW would work out. The question is, should you stay married or not, irrelevant of that. Now, as GEL says, that depends on what you value, and what makes you happy, and what is true to you as a person. It doesn't matter if everyone in the world tells you you 'should' stay married 'for the kids' or whatever reason they believe in. It's what you need, what you feel is right for you that matters.

 

Imagine yourself ten years in the future, fifteen... where do you want to be? When your children have left home and have their own lives, where will you want to be, and will you still be able to find that (and will your wife?).

[torranceshipman]

Number 3, without a doubt.

 

Take time out, be on your own, take a while away from both of them to see how you feel. Be honest with both of them about what you are doing and why you are doing it. That'll give you perspective.

 

I agree that the rush you feel with the OW is no more than that great rush you feel at the start of a new R. As a single/dating gal I know what that feels like and I love it, but I also know that sometimes it can lead to the love of your life but oftentimes it leads to a damp squib of a 3rd, 4th or 5th date and then you lose interest!

[GreenEyedLady]

I agree that the rush you feel with the OW is no more than that great rush you feel at the start of a new R. As a single/dating gal I know what that feels like and I love it, but I also know that sometimes it can lead to the love of your life but oftentimes it leads to a damp squib of a 3rd, 4th or 5th date and then you lose interest!

 

Sorry, I totally disagree...If you're first and second date rock, there's no way the 3rd date and on would cause you to lose interest...It's when the first date is so-so and there's no attraction sexual or intellectual that you lose interest...You know when it's worth the risk of putting yourself out there...

[te75]

Sorry gang, I'll disagree.

 

A: You're married, you need to sort that out first. You can't do that while your mind (and every other part of your body) is elsewhere. Decide what you want. If this gal was not an option (which she may not be) how would you proceed? If you can say being alone would be better, then you have the PROPER answer.

 

B: You don't "owe" your kids to stay in an unhappy situation. That's just as unhealthy for them. Should you divorce it will be up to you to properly maintain your relationship with them. It's not difficult if that's what you want.

 

C: If Mrs. 6 weeks truly feels the same, she still will once you've made decisions about your life in the here and now. If she doesn't then that tells you everything.

 

D: You are fully aware that the "lust" part of this will wear off quite quickly, right? You are mature enough to know that right? Wait til you see her toothpaste splattered all over the bathroom mirror or her hairspray on everything you touch. I hate that stuff, its so sticky. That's real life.

 

E: Are you sure you couldn't have the same level of passion with your wife given the same amount of energy and fixation? Do you effort to share with her?

 

I can tell you that after 36 years together it happened for my wife and I. Unlike you, I was uninterested in another, but I was quite prepared to be alone. I am 50 years old as well. That's right we started when we were 14. I was looking forward to fishing or playing golf whenever I chose. I got tired of waiting for an equal love. Things can and do change. I guess it depends on how driven you and your wife are. Our crossroad came some two years ago. Today we still enjoy very passionate love making 4-5 times a week and feel much as we did when we were in our teens.

 

Those who say it's not possible I think have never put there all into it. My wife wanted it and I wanted her. You can't go anywhere without an answer to A (above).

 

Make your priorities in the proper order. Do what's right for you without Mrs. 6 Weeks in the picture. Maybe the thought of going home to an empty bed every night when your 60 might give you some pause.

 

One last thing, true love is the fullest, deepest feeling of safety with one person. It is not a torrent of emotion. That's called lust. It is a contentment that trancends emotion. Can it become boring? you bet, but that's just as much your fault as hers. Withdrawal is common, now, what will you do about it, leave?

 

Somehow it sounds like you could really be at the point of having the deepest love possible with the one you are with now. Why? because you are passionate and you know what's missing! Maybe its time you show her. Maybe you could be so lucky for it to happen with Mrs. 6 weeks so early but for the vast minority of successful couples to ever "arrive" it takes decades and a mountain of mutual effort. Are you prepared to start over? You'll likely, at some point, face the very same wall you're up against now. When, ten years from now? People seem to think it's "magic" or they have to find their "soulmate". That's garbage and immature, everybody's hamper and morning breathe stinks!

 

Press her, threaten her (with leaving), demand of her, but do so in a way that projects how much you want this "perfect" love with her. Her passion will reinvigorate and she'll love you as you've never known. Yours will too. You see, it's called romance. Is it so hard with her? If it is then you owe it to yourself, and to her, the opportunity to have that "perfect love" with someone else.

 

Think, think, think!

Edited January 19, 2008 by te75

[torranceshipman]

Hey GEL, it wrong to state a FACT that you KNOW the 3rd date and on will be a great success if the 1st two were great. The whole point of dating is tha you get to know eachother better, and in the process of that, you might find that the connection you had in the 1st coupla dates isn't matched by incompatibilities you find in date 3,4, 5 or whenever. For example, you are dating a guy with a W, and if someone else was in your shoes and found out about his status on date 3-or tht he' lied about his status in the 1st place to get you interested - they might well think this a mighty dealbreaker, and be instantly turned off by him and think he is a lying sneak - and walk - nay, RUN away! I'm not criticising your choice, just saying that it's different for different people. I've had amazing first dates that have lost lustre in my eyes on dates 3, etc - clearly then, we had an amazing physical connection that felt like a love thing until it wore off lol, but I find things like how a guy handles a tough situation, what his friends are like, how he treats me on an ongoing basis, etc, hugely telling signs that also make me more (or less) crazy about him...how the heck am I mean to find out about that in date 1 or 2 and thus seal this 'date 1 and 2' crazy love spark forever? Lol!

 

Plus everyone is on their best behaviour in the 1st few dates...the best ones are still behaving like that 20 dates down the line AND the amazing chemistry is stil there.

[GreenEyedLady]

Hey GEL, it wrong to state a FACT that you KNOW the 3rd date and on will be a great success if the 1st two were great. The whole point of dating is tha you get to know eachother better, and in the process of that, you might find that the connection you had in the 1st coupla dates isn't matched by incompatibilities you find in date 3,4, 5 or whenever. For example, you are dating a guy with a W, and if someone else was in your shoes and found out about his status on date 3-or tht he' lied about his status in the 1st place to get you interested - they might well think this a mighty dealbreaker, and be instantly turned off by him and think he is a lying sneak - and walk - nay, RUN away! I'm not criticising your choice, just saying that it's different for different people. I've had amazing first dates that have lost lustre in my eyes on dates 3, etc - clearly then, we had an amazing physical connection that felt like a love thing until it wore off lol, but I find things like how a guy handles a tough situation, what his friends are like, how he treats me on an ongoing basis, etc, hugely telling signs that also make me more (or less) crazy about him...how the heck am I mean to find out about that in date 1 or 2 and thus seal this 'date 1 and 2' crazy love spark forever? Lol!

 

Plus everyone is on their best behaviour in the 1st few dates...the best ones are still behaving like that 20 dates down the line AND the amazing chemistry is stil there.

 

Uhh, first of all it wasn't date 3 it was like date 100 that I found out and we were in a full R by then, see how that's a little different? I don't think that the chemistry and dates were that amazing if they lost their luster...Both of these people were aware of the status of the other and she did not want to be an OW and he is thinking of leaving...

 

The point is not deciding whether the chemistry will be there after 3 dates, the point is whether he thinks it's worth it to leave his M...He knew this lady for longer than 3 weeks and in a close capacity...My point is, that chemistry is not going to go away...

 

So while it seems that you'd like to argue apples and oranges I'm not going to do that any longer...I happen to know for a fact for myself, if the first date has kick a** chemistry and I like the person and it's mutual, the background is set for a good R...

 

Sorry so many of your dates peter off and lose their luster...

[nextel]

Let me start by saying, I am not an advocate of divorce however, you have a few things to think about. There is no one that really knows your situation but you. Start by being honest with yourself. Staying in a marriage for the sake of the children is not a good enough reason because children will always be alright if the parents are alright.

 

With anything new in life, we get excited about it until we get tired of it. What you are experiencing with OW is something new. You really don't know her, not enough to make her your new W. In the process, dont be unfair to your W and leave her hanging while you decide what you want. You owe her more than that. If you have to move out to make your decision, then do so. If you have to stop being intimate with her to make your decision, then do so. But do not take advantage of her vulnerability at this stage in order to please yourself.

 

Can you honestly live your life without her? Is your wife worth losing? Do the bad things in your marriage out weigh the good things? Are you ready to end the years of memories with your family to start afresh?

 

These are the questions you need to answer. Good luck to you and I hope you find whatever it is that you are searching for.

[mtndew]

Several days have passed since my original post and I have been blessed with so much work that I haven't had time to worry much about the situation with my W and the OW. And I have read and appreciate all the points of view. That brings up another problem with my W. We, she has a hard time controlling the $ spent and I cannot get any of that to change. And I recently had a great discussion with W's sis who said she, and most everyone else, are surprised I made it this far.

Nextel, yours are the same questions I have pondered 24 hours a day for the last 7, now 8 months. In response to your post, I know I don't know OW well. I've stated that. I was in the process of building a proper foundation with her. A foundation, built on several steps from attraction, to learning the other person inside and out, to being exclusive together, learning to accept your partner for who they are, good and bad, to nurture them, to build trust and respect. Then you are better prepared for the intimate aspects of the relationship. And if you make it that far, marriage could be considered. It was a foundation that me and W never developed correctly. We went from a to z in 2 dates.

As far as what door I am knocking on, I leaning towards door number 3. Spend some time by myself, getting organized, cleaning up the clutter, spending quality time with my kids. Maybe clearing the physical clutter personally and professionally will help clear the clutter in my head.At least enough to see more clearly the situation at hand and act accordingly. Plus be able to focus better on the work projects at hand. I have had NC with OW for the last 2 months other than a NY greeting text that was immediately returned ditto with a :-). The days and weeks go by so fast and there are times it is easier not to think about OW, but then something, a song, a place, sometimes simply a word brings it all right back. Thoughts?

Edited January 21, 2008 by mtndew
Additional info