Hi Everyone, I'm in a bit trouble, your thoughts appreciated.

January 16, 2008

Hi Everyone,

Um...I'm not quite sure where to begin or is this even the right thread but here goes my story.

I have had the same life partner going on 16 years and we've lived together for about 6 years. About 8 years ago he medically was unable to have sex. Also a couple years prior our passion for each other began to cool, for no other big reason than familiarity and we were communicating well in regards to it. But in anycase it's not like his medical issues stopped some rip roaring amazing sex. With that exception, (which yes it is a biggie) we have solid, happy, loving partnership. So as a solution, we decided to open the relationship sexually and take other sexual partners.

He was free to but choose not to as his libido is virtually non-existant. Seeing other women was just not something he was all that interested in doing (strange I know but true) I, on the other hand indulged in the freedom. It took a lot of practice and working out the kinks in our (my partner and I's) relationship but after the first couple of years things were going smoothly. I wouldn't sleep around really but i would have fairly monogomous, long-term (years usually), sexual and intimate relationships in which all parties were informed of the situation.

I spent the spring without a sexual partner and met someone in the late summer. He is married but in an open relationship with his wife. And in fact, it's a happy marriage that he wants to stay in and they have a son. They just choose to live this lifestyle. I thought this would be a good match since the last couple of 'boyfriends' I had were single and after a long-term intimate relationship, naturally strong feelings arouse and cause conflict. I have fallen in love with a couple of the people I've dated. The first time it was really hard but after that, I just learned to love in the confines of my situation and it didn't make me want to leave my partner.

Anyway, the married guy and I hit it off great a lot in common. However After only like he says he loves me and it throws me for a loop as this has been one of the more light-hearted relationships I've had or at least felt like it from my perspective. I really, really, really liked him but I wasn't in love. He said his wife was sensing a distance between them and that she knew he was in love with me and she is becoming increasingly uncomfortable with his and I's relationship. He said this is the first time she's been like this in their entire 10 year open marriage.

I feel really bad about this. I'm uncomforatable with her being uncomfortbable. They have a young son. I know this may sound hypocritical in the worst way but I respect family. I tell him that I'm really into him but his marriage and his family are way more important and bigger than us. He says even if we stop seeing each other it doesn't matter because he would still be in-love with me. So our relationship goes on a couple more months. I'm still uneasy about his situation but selfishly, I don't do anything to help the issue except tell him that if he needs to stop our relationship for the sake of his family, he could do so with no drama from me.

Months go on, the relationship intensifies and I have fallen in love with him. But and know this may not make sense, I'm still happy in my partership at home, very much so in fact and I'm also happy with the way my relationship with the MM is going. However MM guy is not, he feels that we should make moves to be together. He feels he can give up his marriage but then there's his son which he says he cannot live without. His wife is unaware of his feelings and knows no definitive information other than what she sense in him. I tell him I don't want our relationship to change nor to I want to change my home life. It remains at this stale-mate for about another month. But it's not unpleasant, there's no fighting or anger just discussion.

So here's the kicker despite being very, very, very careful (I SWEAR)

I'm 5 weeks pregnant and the MM is the father for sure. I just found out today. I've never been pregnant before. I'm pretty certain I want to terminate the pregnancy. I told my live-in partner as soon as I found out and we're going to talk more about it tonight. My big delima is, do I tell MM. I know the answer is yes. But I'm so scared. I think he may freak-out if I tell him I want to abort the pregnancy. My partner says he doesn't need to know but I feel that he does. But if I do tell him I know MM is going to want to use this as a catalyst for us to live a life together.

I don't know what I'm going to do, not to mention, I'm pregnant, nautious, and a hormonal mess.

Sorry I wrote a book, any input would be greatly appreciated it. I need some clear, objective thoughts. Being critical is OK, through my own actions I've made a mess of a number of people's lives and I feel terrible for it.

Thanks

GB

January 16, 2008

First off, you need to seek counselling because so many lives WILL be affected by your choice.

If you decide not to keep the baby, then you MUST end it with the MM as your own marriage now is suffering, let alone his marriage. If you do decide to keep the baby, then this is going to be very hard on everyone involved.

Sorry I am not much help, hopefully someone else can give you more advice. Think about the counselling and definately go to your family dr to confirm that you are indeed pregnant.

January 17, 2008

The fact that you're pregnant shouldn't change anything...You don't want to be with him full-time and he doesn't want to leave his son...You guys have such a non-traditional R, how does pregnancy fit in here?

I'd say do what you can live with...Only you know the answer to that...

January 17, 2008

If I were in this position...I wouldn't tell him about the pregnancy nor the abortion.

But...it all boils down to your choice, your decision.

January 17, 2008

oops wrong thread

January 17, 2008

Green Bean, if you're going to have a termination then I really don't think MM needs to know. If not, then if you love your H and want to stay with him you have to work together to decide what is best for both of you. Your H especially needs to decide whether he can handle being father to another man's child.

I really hope everything works out for you.

January 17, 2008

Green Bean, if you're going to have a termination then I really don't think MM needs to know. If not, then if you love your H and want to stay with him you have to work together to decide what is best for both of you. Your H especially needs to decide whether he can handle being father to another man's child.

I really hope everything works out for you.

Ummm really, her husband is gonna take care of another man's child???

Her husband needs to decide whether he can handle??? WTF?

He shouldnt have to be there! I'd bounce if I was him. She's trifling!

January 17, 2008

Ummm really, her husband is gonna take care of another man's child???

Her husband needs to decide whether he can handle??? WTF?

He shouldnt have to be there! I'd bounce if I was him. She's trifling!

Stranger things have happened.... plus, it's not as if her H didn't know she was seeing an OM. Just my opinion.

January 17, 2008

Stranger things have happened.... plus, it's not as if her H didn't know she was seeing an OM. Just my opinion.

I get that, but damn that's kinda disrespectful.

There should be some amount of respect. What if his libido does come back does he go out and get an OW pregnant? I mean damn, he cant use his jimmy why not just put a knife in him and finish the job.

This sucks.

I understand this was an open relationship due to the H's medical issues with his penis but where's the usuage of protection? Condom's, dental damns, sponges? C'mon, this woman is clearly stupid. How does she know if the OM doesnt have an STI? or STD?

January 17, 2008

I get that, but damn that's kinda disrespectful.

There should be some amount of respect. What if his libido does come back does he go out and get an OW pregnant? I mean damn, he cant use his jimmy why not just put a knife in him and finish the job.

This sucks.

I understand this was an open relationship due to the H's medical issues with his penis but where's the usuage of protection? Condom's, dental damns, sponges? C'mon, this woman is clearly stupid. How does she know if the OM doesnt have an STI? or STD?

So here's the kicker despite being very, very, very careful (I SWEAR)

I'm 5 weeks pregnant

I was assuming that by saying she was 'very, very, very careful' she meant she used a condom and it split or something but I guess then she would've said that she'd used contraception but it failed!

Cobra, I'm not condoning what has happened at all. I personally couldn't do an 'open marriage' but each to their own. And yes, it must be terrible for her H. I can only imagine that it might make him feel inadequate. I am assuming he agreed to all this in the first place because he didn't feel he could give her what an OM could...it's actually really sad.

January 17, 2008

Thanks for the thoughts everyone and PoshPrincess, thank you for the support. I'm sure from the outside it seems sad, but it really didn't seem that way at the time. We were just trying to make things work in our unusual set of circumstances. I can see why people would say it was the wrong thing to do, especially now but hindsight is 20/20. And we were successful at it for quite a few years until now. If at the time our sexual trouble began If he would have said, I can't have sex with you and I dont' want anyone else having sex with you...If that's what it would have taken, I would have done that without hesitation. I would have given up on sex at 29 years old. But, for right or wrong with the offer of an open relationship on the table, I couldn't/choose not to pass on it.

I was on the pill, I took it like clock work every day and it has been my birth control method for 15 years, never had any trouble. Plus considering my situation when I'm in those crucial weeks I insist on a condom too. I was so shocked but 99% isn't 100% and how shocked can you be really if you're having sex. I've read about situations not all that different from mine and just like Chrome, I'm like WTF?? How does that happen??? Now I know.

I spoke to my parter (he's not my husband) extensively this evening. He's being so wonderful, no matter what comes of this, he reminds me I'm a lucky person. I'm still fairly certain the best thing to do is to terminate the pregnancy. But my partner said he wouldn't ditch me regardless of my decision. So tomororw I'm going to talk to my mother and tell her the story, she's pretty open minded and sage and just keep thinking.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts, I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond.

GB

January 17, 2008

Green Bean, I'm glad you have someone else to talk this through with other than your partner. It will be good to get the perspective of someone who knows you but who isn't directly involved.

I just don't understand why you weren't using condoms all the time when having sex outside your R. Like you said though, hindsight is 20/20. Safe sex is more than just the worry of unwanted pregnancy don't forget!

Edited January 17, 2008 by PoshPrincess
typo - another one! It's 5am here and I am TIRED!

January 17, 2008

Ummm really, her husband is gonna take care of another man's child???

Her husband needs to decide whether he can handle??? WTF?

He shouldnt have to be there! I'd bounce if I was him. She's trifling!

It's called adoption, lots of people adopt other people's children...

And I think he already figured out that it's not his...So to each their own...

January 17, 2008

It's called adoption, lots of people adopt other people's children...

And I think he already figured out that it's not his...So to each their own...

Hmmmm Okay so let me get this straight:

Hey husband,

I know your penis doesnt work because of medical conditions and I know we agreed on having an open marriage. Yes I knew the ground rules were to have just protected sex with someone. Yeah I knew that the other people in this day and age have STD's yeah I know. I know you could still catch it even with protection.

I'm sorry I fell for another man and had so much sex with him and somehow the condom broke. His wife knows were screwing each other and she doesnt like it. They have an open marriage too! I know I messed up. But I need for you to take care of the OM's baby and pretend like it's your own. Yes I know you can't have sex with me anymore and your gonna watch this baby be a reminder of me proverbially spiiting on our marriage.

...Adopting kids through an adoption agency when both parties agree is one thing.

It is totally different to be borne of an affair especially when your married to someone else. And still married to them!!!

GEL you need to have your mind checked!!!

January 17, 2008

I'm 5 weeks pregnant and the MM is the father for sure. I just found out today. I've never been pregnant before. I'm pretty certain I want to terminate the pregnancy. I told my live-in partner as soon as I found out and we're going to talk more about it tonight. My big delima is, do I tell MM. I know the answer is yes. But I'm so scared. I think he may freak-out if I tell him I want to abort the pregnancy. My partner says he doesn't need to know but I feel that he does. But if I do tell him I know MM is going to want to use this as a catalyst for us to live a life together.

I don't understand. You are content with the situation with MM staying with his W (because of family obligations or whatever), and you want to stay with your partner?

You do not want to continue with the pregnancy?

So where is the sense in telling MM that you are pregnant? If it would only make him upset, and you've decided to have a termination?

Something is missing here...

January 17, 2008

Ok, I'm going to approach this from a different angle:

Are you 100% you don't want this baby?

I assume you don't already have children. Do your partners medical problems mean you cannot have his children? Would you be happy not having children at all? If you ask me, this is the first question you really need to be sure about.

If you do want to keep the baby, that opens up a whole lots of other questions! But if you are sure you don't....

Accidents can and do happen. There's no point in chastising her or her lifestyle situation (one agreed to by everyone) now. The point is what to do?

If you aren't keeping the baby, and your partner is supportive of the abortion then there's nothing to do there. It's just a matter of if to tell you MM?

You say you want to tell the MM, but if you are going to stay with your partner and want him to stay with his family what would that actually achieve? You aren't going to give him a choice? So what is your reason for telling him?

You also say you are in love with him? Are you sure you don't want to tell him in the hope that he does try to change your mind? So that he does try to use this as a way for you two to be together? You say you're worried that's what he will do, but perhaps that's what you actually want?

Otherwise I don't see what you could possibly achieve by telling him you are going to abort his child - no matter what he says?

January 17, 2008

Ok, I'm going to approach this from a different angle:

Are you 100% you don't want this baby?

I assume you don't already have children. Do your partners medical problems mean you cannot have his children? Would you be happy not having children at all? If you ask me, this is the first question you really need to be sure about.

That question has been key. It's been only about 28 hours since I found out my situation. Initially the knee jerk re-action was terminate the pregnancy. As the evening wore on and I spoke to my parter about it I realzied things were less clear cut in my mind then I had thought. I don't have children and have never been pregnant. My partner and I cannot conceive through 'natural' methods but there are some potential work-arounds. I'm 35 years old and near the end of the standard child baring years.

So yes, I thought about and discussed carrying the child and raising it with my partner. The fact that he wasn't negatitive and was open to the idea made it more difficult. Mind you he was open about the idea, not crazy about it. Of course further discussions would have to be had with MM, the biologicial father. Part of me did/does want to have the baby, "just have it and everything will work out somehow" But if one thing I learned, it's that life is not the fairy tale and things just don't always 'just workout'

However, after a lot of talking and sleeping on it. I decided that terminating the pregancy would be best and I called and made an appointment. Now the the decision has been made, there a mild sense of relief, the indecision is gone in regards to that.

I'm pretty sure I will not tell MM. I see where nothing good will come of it. It's just a matter of honesty. If there's one thing about this mess is I can say I've been honest and forthcoming with all my parties involved. This seems like a big secret to keep, but if telling him only benifits my concious then it doesn't even seem worth it.

January 17, 2008

IF you have this baby, the MM has a right to know the baby is his. For so many reasons...

January 17, 2008

Are you sure you want to terminate this baby's life? Do you think you will regret it?

January 18, 2008

GB - I became P with my MM about 2 years ago and terminated the p without ever telling my MM. I felt bad about not telling him, like I was lying by omission but honestly, it would have accomplished nothing. He has 3 children, I have 4. I knew I didn't want anymore children and I know that he doesn't either. I didn't want him to think I was trying to "trap" him or force him to make a decision one way or the other. I still feel like I want to confess to him sometimes but I never have. Actually, very recently I have considered it but now I'm just scared. It's been so long.

My advice to you is if you do terminate don't tell him. It sounds like he would use that as "his way out" of his M. Also, think long and hard about terminating. Everything happens for a reason (I believe it does) and if you got P after all of your precautions maybe this child was meant to be. You don't have any children, you are 35 and you say you can have them with your partner but it would be using alternative methods. Will the alternative methods work? How long would that take if you really wanted a child? Just make sure you really, really think about it.

Good luck!

January 18, 2008

green_bean, are you sure you want to go ahead with abortion? After abortion, some people will remain sad for years or even their entire life especially seeing a little boy or girl who would be the same age as the baby they aborted at the mall, restaurant, party, street, etc. These reminders are everywhere.

Make sure you can face that for the rest of your life.

January 18, 2008

Whichwayisup - Yes I agree 100%. If I were continuing with the pregnancy, I would tell MM. As it is I'm terminating the pregnancy and leaning toward not telling him but I'm not sure yet.

Simplegirl - Thank you for sharing your story. Sometimes it feels like you're the only (non-celeberty) person on the planet that these things happen to. I'm thinking along the same lines you are. I have a quesiton for you. Did you continue your relationship with MM after the pregnancy?

I want to be honest with him because we are in a relationship and I *think* I would want to know if the roles were reversed. However, there isn't anything I want from him, I don't want an opinion, a fight, money, him to change his life in anyway. I'm pretty sure his emotions would range between anger, sadness, guilt and sympathy. None of which are all the productive right now. I know I sound clinical but I've had the throw the 'think with your head, not your heart' switch.

As far as not having the child, no I'm not 100% completely sure of my decision with my heart I am with my mind. Through this process i've met some wonderful women's health practioners that I am discussing my future plans with and I feel pretty optomistic. However, I realize I will have to prepare myself for greiving and some regret. I can't say I know what it will be like, but I'm aware and trying to prepare myself for the process.

Thank you everyone for your time and responses.

GB

January 18, 2008

If you are going to continue a R with MM, you have to tell him the truth, reguardless of what you do...But, beacuse this man has feelings for you and you for him, it isn't fair to your husband and his wife. This is MORE than just the open-marriage concept, you are FALLING for him and the more time you're with him, the more you are away from your ill husband, leaving him alone to fend for himself. You'll grow apart intimately and the glue that hold you and your H together WILL disappear if you stay in R with MM.

Take time alone so you can think.

January 18, 2008

As far as not having the child, no I'm not 100% completely sure of my decision with my heart I am with my mind.

No matter how much sin or immoral acts you have done, the child is innocent. Are you sure you're ready for future hearbreaks seeing a similiar age child at the mall (say, 5, 10, 15 years from now), are you sure you'll be ok with your cousin's child's birthday party, Christmas gatherings with kids running around, co-worker's baby shower, movies where a mother showed undying love for her child and the child does the same for his/her mom, etc.?

Something to think about before you make your decision.

Edited January 18, 2008 by Computers

January 18, 2008

If all four of you adults are already on board with open relationships, then why can’t all four of you sit down (as mutually consenting adults) and discuss the pregnancy together?

Better to do a round table and get the input off all four potential parents to better decide what is best for you, the baby, and everyone involved. I hardly think at this point, there’s anything left to feel bashful or uncomfortable about. I understand that the other wife may be disappointed that certain precautions weren’t followed through with, but if she was already aware and had given her husband permission to foster intimate relationships outside of their immediate marriage ... then she can hardly be all that surprised. Right?

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Hi Everyone, I'm in a bit trouble, your thoughts appreciated.

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