Author Star Gazer Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 SG, I have a good feeling about this working out the way you want it to. I'm sorry about the separation, but they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder! Best wishes, my friend! But it also goes "Out of sight, out of mind!" That said, I have a good feeling too. However, I'm not going to get my hopes up too high...up, yes, but not Everest-high.
dropdeadlegs Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 But it also goes "Out of sight, out of mind!" That said, I have a good feeling too. However, I'm not going to get my hopes up too high...up, yes, but not Everest-high. The bulk of my posts are of the optimist nature, but you certainly have a point. Which is why "out of sight, out of mind" is not the path I have chosen to travel. I keep myself in the forefront, regardless of what he thinks he wants. It hasn't always worked, but I knew the odds, and have no regrets. Mostly it DID work, but I sometimes had to make a later break. I so want you to be happy. You have been looking for happiness for so long. May it find you this time!
Storyrider Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 I think I missed something but is he going to Iraq or someplace else? Sorry for being dense.
Krytie TV Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 I know I shouldn't do this. I've been fighting the urge for weeks, but I just can't hold back anymore. Star, really. I may be wrong, but seriously... wake up. Step back and take a good look at this situation. This is just a train wreck. You have a lot of feelings going on right now... and they're feelings of loss. I understand that. When you feel loss, you then paint all of the memories of that person in a positive light. I think this whole moving away thing, when combined with this person's inability to let someone else into his life, is a freaking nightmare in its own. You have chosen to cope with it how you want... which I think will be devastating to your mental state... but hey, your choice. But these recent events are also clouding you from seeing the other aspects that were present before. He's self-centered, bad tempered, and emotionally unavailable as soon as things get serious. The list of absolutely and pathetically selfish and disrespectful things he has done is already long, and growing longer. He's stereotypically military in every sense of the word. I know military... I grew up military. Let's just say it's an interesting life and filled with very interesting people. What I do not understand is how you have let this person walk into your life and turn it completely upside down. He has seemingly found a way to make you doubt all of your beliefs and instincts. How did he do that, Star? You talk about all of the great times, but I get the feeling (no, I can't know for sure) that they are superficial and that you're having to convince yourself. Things are best when you don't put pressure on him and have no expectations? WHAT? Do you have any idea what that says? What would you say to me in that situation Star? What would you tell me? What I most want to know is what the hell has happened to you Star? This is not the person I thought I knew. This will sound offensive, but it's an analogy that has crossed my mind for weeks as you've been posting. It's like he's turned you into a beaten puppy. Moping around with no happiness and always wondering what's next and what kind of pain will be coming next. I'm sorry, but it's sad. You are WAY above this... or at least you were. I just don't know.
Lishy Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 (edited) Sometimes in life we do things that feel right in our hearts but wrong in our heads - We then have to choose between our conflicting feelings. In Stars case the cons are 1. He is commitment phobic 2. He complains and moans more than the average man (that is being polite) 3. He has let her down and left her hanging numerous times 4. He only chirped up and chilled out when she became his fk buddy 5. He has never said he loves her!!!!!!!!!! (BIG red flag for a LDR) 6. He seems happy to say he will stay exclusive after he has left and yet treated her like a fk buddy when he was still with her, seems like he could just be saying that so that she stays faithful to him so he doesnt get any diseases whilst away. The pro's are ...... actually I dont know Star has tunnel vision right now and I know she think I hate her and that I just want to have a go at her, but that is not the case. I just see things with no emotion attached! I am sure most of you well wishers are also thinking these things but too scared to say as Star throws her toys out of the pram when she does not hear what she wants to hear! Star's ability to gloss over and make excuses for his bad behaviour is worrying. Woe betide anyone who says anything negative about the man who has made her cry on so many occassions. I see everyone saying they have a good feeling about this and I think they say this because they are scared that Star will be upset with them for being 'offenive' and 'negative' - Personally I cant see much positive with this sudo relationship! Kudos to how honest she is though, at least she didnt pretend he told her he loved her. I do hope that it works out in the end ... Just given his history so far, it is fairly unlikely! Edited January 17, 2008 by Lishy
Kamille Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 I see everyone saying they have a good feeling about this and I think they say this because they are scared that Star will be upset with them for being 'offenive' and 'negative' Oh come on! Do you really think I spend my days worrying about what Star -who I do care about but who lives about 4000 miles away and who I will likely never meet in person in my life- thinks about me? No, some of us just believe that sometimes you have to take chances and that not everything is always black and white. I think Dropdeadleg has made this point most clearly in other threads. And I am not condoning her boyfriend's actions, but I have faith that Star knows how to take care of herself. I also think she is a beautiful person for following her instincts, and the love that she feels, in spite of what everyone here was telling her when things went astray. We all know - you more then anyone- that there is no such thing as a perfect match. I think every relationship is faced at times -and this especially in the beginning- with the question of whether or not the differences can be worked with. And one partner might have more doubts then the other. I think what is most important is not infallible devotion but both patner's willingness to work through it. And you know what, Star's bf is showing the willingness to work through challenges.
Krytie TV Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 And you know what, Star's bf is showing the willingness to work through challenges. I'm not convinced that's what's going on, but we'll see.
Lishy Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 And you know what, Star's bf is showing the willingness to work through challenges. Your reply was very noble. ::Applause:: Can you tell me though, exactly how is he showing willingness? There is a difference between trying and banging your head against a brick wall. This man has disprespected her, spent most of his time whining down the phone at her, let her down and made her cry so much, and all of this at the beginning of the relationship when they should have been in the honeymoon phase! If that was the honeymoon phase I would hate to catch the fallout from the divorce! Again I am not saying this to be mean to Star, I am saying it because it seems as plain as the nose on my face! He has already been whining down the phone at her before he even reached his destination!
Author Star Gazer Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 The list of absolutely and pathetically selfish and disrespectful things he has done is already long, and growing longer. Okay, other than standing me up that one night (which I absolutely agree was wrong), in what ways has he disrespected me? What "list" are you referring to? Please, enlighten me...
Lauriebell82 Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Okay, other than standing me up that one night (which I absolutely agree was wrong), in what ways has he disrespected me? What "list" are you referring to? Please, enlighten me... I think you are getting defensive SG, which is natural because you love him. Not saying this to be mean, but this is going to be tough to do LD when you are so early in your relationship. It sounds like you are willing to do it, but I can't help but wonder if without the committment in place, you both are going to find this very difficult. I do think he has issues as well, I mean we all do. And the reason that I had asked you about whether or not he has told you he is in love with you is because this could create a problem. I know its actions that count, but being in a committed serious relationship that is LD is somewhat different than being in a new relationship where there is no committment/love in place. So I think that's all that people are saying here. I meant what I said about you guys trying to work things out and thats good. It sounds like you are optimistic and that is important to sustain a LDR as well.
Author Star Gazer Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 I'm not convinced that's what's going on, but we'll see. You're not the one who has to be convinced. I do. There's so much negativity coming from you and Lishy - oh, woah is me, he's sooo evil, he's sooo selfish, he's sooo disrepectful! - when that couldn't be farther from the truth. Just because I don't list the 15 things he does and says everyday to show me that he wants to make this work doesn't mean it's not happening. You two both expect perfection, and as Kamille said, there's no such thing as a perfect match. In the beginning, there are always some doubts about whether the differences can be worked through. Our differences are the fact that he's UNEMPLOYED (and very insecure about that when it comes to our relationship) and really, really, needs to find a job, and until he does so he needs to live off unemployment rent-free at his mom's place. His job field is VERY limited and not one where open positions are lying around. This has caused him a great deal of stress, and as YOU and everyone else in the world knows, stress can reap havoc on a relationship. It's not HIS fault. It's not MY fault. It's a situation that we have to be patient and wait through. Only time will tell, and just because things aren't perfect and sunshine and roses now doesn't give me justification to walk away. Despite the stress-related issue, his strengths and positive traits GREATLY outweigh his mental selfishness. Do you honestly believe I would fall in love with an a-hole?! Give me some credit here, jeeezus. I am so done with this and any other thread regarding my relationship. No wonder the board's actual advice-forums have been so quiet lately!! I'll engage those who are actually CONSTRUCTIVE privately. Thanks y'all.
Author Star Gazer Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 I think you are getting defensive SG, which is natural because you love him. Not saying this to be mean, but this is going to be tough to do LD when you are so early in your relationship. It sounds like you are willing to do it, but I can't help but wonder if without the committment in place, you both are going to find this very difficult. I do think he has issues as well, I mean we all do. And the reason that I had asked you about whether or not he has told you he is in love with you is because this could create a problem. I know its actions that count, but being in a committed serious relationship that is LD is somewhat different than being in a new relationship where there is no committment/love in place. So I think that's all that people are saying here. I meant what I said about you guys trying to work things out and thats good. It sounds like you are optimistic and that is important to sustain a LDR as well. The commitment and feelings ARE in place. I just honestly don't feel like sharing the details publicly because they are so special to me, and having certain people tear those details apart would cheapen them. Just the thought of even telling certain people about those feelings and commitments makes me sick to my stomach because I know they will take joy in picking apart the details.
dropdeadlegs Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Star, Please don't stop posting or I'll never know how things turn out! None of us can possibly know all the intricacies of your relationship. We are all skewed by our own experiences and current states of mind. Some of us will always see the glass as half full, and others will always see that same glass as half empty, but most of us are able to see both options on any given day. I have caught myself in the role of the doomsday naysayer at times. If you don't want the opinions of some, use the ignore button. You certainly don't have to spend time and energy in defending your situation. Now, back to the situation at hand. I take it your BF's field of expertise has limited employment options. That's quite a problem and has me wondering why he would choose such a field. That's neither here nor there, so is there any way to take what he does and go in a similar, yet easier employable route? I'm not sure I'm getting my question across well, here. If I need to explain further I will try to. I'm just trying to figure out if the job search is difficult in Cali, N. Cali, or if it's a nationwide problem. Is it overcrowding in the field, something that pretty much only pertains to a military career, or just a small highly limited job prospect kind of field? Maybe it would be simpler to just ask, what exactly does he do? If it's something you are willing to share, that is. I probably can't help in any way, but I'd like to understand what you're dealing with. And how far away is he at the moment?
Krytie TV Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 You're not the one who has to be convinced. I do. There's so much negativity coming from you and Lishy - oh, woah is me, he's sooo evil, he's sooo selfish, he's sooo disrepectful! - when that couldn't be farther from the truth. Just because I don't list the 15 things he does and says everyday to show me that he wants to make this work doesn't mean it's not happening. I'm not surprised you're going on the attack. I expected that. You say that I am a "grim-dating-reaper", and that's fine. I would say back to you that I think (meaning my own opinion) that you have totally lost sight in this relationship and I think that you have begun to act in a way that is defeated and desperate. I think that you have sacrificed your pride (yes, there I go again) and common sense in order to hang onto something that I have been really trying to wrap my mind around. What it is that you two have, I don't know. But it sounds incredibly one-sided. I think you are hitching your wagon to the wrong horse... I just hope this horse isn't as wrong as I suspect it is. You never answered my question: Things are best when you don't put pressure on him and have no expectations? WHAT? Do you have any idea what that says? What would you say to me in that situation Star? What would you tell me?
Krytie TV Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 I am so done with this and any other thread regarding my relationship. No wonder the board's actual advice-forums have been so quiet lately!! I'll engage those who are actually CONSTRUCTIVE privately. Thanks y'all. Man, I wish you could see how hypocritical you can be sometimes. You have never had any qualms about telling me what you thought when I posted. Maybe you shouldn't post anymore if all you want to hear is the echoes of praise coming from the posters falling in line behind your opinion. I'm really very sorry that you can't handle when people don't agree with you. And I'm sure I'll be called a few more names for even saying this... have at it.
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Star Gazer, your extreme defensiveness makes it clear that you are very insecure. I wish you luck, but it seems to me like he's just trying to let you off easy. We'll see.
Krytie TV Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 OK, no need to pile on. Your point was made.
Author Star Gazer Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 If you don't want the opinions of some, use the ignore button. You certainly don't have to spend time and energy in defending your situation. Done. Now, back to the situation at hand. I take it your BF's field of expertise has limited employment options. That's quite a problem and has me wondering why he would choose such a field. That's neither here nor there, so is there any way to take what he does and go in a similar, yet easier employable route? I'm not sure I'm getting my question across well, here. If I need to explain further I will try to. I'm just trying to figure out if the job search is difficult in Cali, N. Cali, or if it's a nationwide problem. Is it overcrowding in the field, something that pretty much only pertains to a military career, or just a small highly limited job prospect kind of field? Maybe it would be simpler to just ask, what exactly does he do? If it's something you are willing to share, that is. I probably can't help in any way, but I'd like to understand what you're dealing with. The overcrowding is a nationwide problem, which makes his desire to stay in NorCal that much more difficult. I've privately discussed the details to some, and I'll do the same now with you. And how far away is he at the moment? Approximately 500 miles. 7-8 hours driving and a 1hr 20 minute flight.
whichwayisup Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 SG, I hope you continue posting. I know that you aren't pleased with some responses, but don't stop because of that...People DO care and I think KTV, and L do care about your wellbeing and don't want to see you hurt. My worry for you is, how are you going to feel, let alone handle things if you don't hear from him at times, he gets busy and doesn't call for 2-3 days, is in a bad mood and brushes you off or is cool to you on the phone...It kind of ties in on the dynamtic that was built before he left - The mood swings, and how he gets when he's grumpy... Anyway, I guess you need to have faith and trust in him and the relationship you two have. I DO hope it works out because I know you really love this guy..
Author Star Gazer Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 SG, I hope you continue posting. I know that you aren't pleased with some responses, but don't stop because of that...People DO care and I think KTV, and L do care about your wellbeing and don't want to see you hurt. I disagree with you here, WWIU. I think they take some sort of sadistic pride in seeing others experience pain. My worry for you is, how are you going to feel, let alone handle things if you don't hear from him at times, he gets busy and doesn't call for 2-3 days, is in a bad mood and brushes you off or is cool to you on the phone...It kind of ties in on the dynamtic that was built before he left - The mood swings, and how he gets when he's grumpy... I don't know how I'll feel, but I can't go through life worrying about the "what ifs" - what if he dies? What if he wins the lottery and meets Jessica Biel and runs off into the sunset? What if he has diarrhea and has to get off the phone abruptly? All I can focus on right now is the present and immediate future, not somewhere down the road. We've discussed his moods, we've discussed the need for daily contact. Those issues appear to have been resolved (well, his moods anyway...the calling has never been an issue). If his mood pops up again or he suddenly goes without contact for days at a time, then yes, we'll have a problem. But just because he was in a mood before doesn't mean that I should assume the worst about the future, does it? Not only that, but if his most recent behavior and comments and demonstration of commitment to making our relationship work is any indicator of success, then I think we're headed in the right direction. Anyway, I guess you need to have faith and trust in him and the relationship you two have. I DO hope it works out because I know you really love this guy.. I do have faith, and I do trust him. I'm not in denial, I know this relationship isn't exactly everything I want it to be... if it were, he'd be HERE. That's literally the only piece of the puzzle that's missing for me right now.
allina Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 "We are in a RELATIONSHIP. I am his GIRLFRIEND. His friends and family (who he had me meet this week) called me his GIRLFRIEND, said we're a cute COUPLE and they're looking forward to seeing me AGAIN. He bought me plane tickets to come visit him. He put all of his stuff in storage HERE about a mile from my house as proof of his intent to return and not stay where he is temporarily" That's honestly great Star. I'm thrilled to see the turnaround he has made. It looks like the barriers he was putting up have come down and he's finally allowed himself to commit What angered me the most previously was him breaking up with you and hurting you then still expecting all the positives of a relationship with you. I hope he's grateful for you sticking by him through all this.
Author Star Gazer Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 That's honestly great Star. I'm thrilled to see the turnaround he has made. It looks like the barriers he was putting up have come down and he's finally allowed himself to commit What angered me the most previously was him breaking up with you and hurting you then still expecting all the positives of a relationship with you. I hope he's grateful for you sticking by him through all this. He was lost, and still is a little lost. I admit that I am too. But we are committed to working on this, being patient, and trying to go about it without any pressure/expectation about where we eventually end up. We just know that we don't want anyone else but the other, and want to end up in the same place. Right now what's most important to me is that we WANT the same thing. Whether or not it's possible in the long run...well, we'll have to wait to find out. And yes, he's grateful. (At least, he better be, the f*cker! haha!)
KenzieAbsolutely Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 i think he is grateful...to be away now so he can start the phase-out process practically guilt-free. sorry, star. i do. i know you don't want to hear it, but i just do. i'd say i wish i weren't true, but i can't say that either, because i think he is a sucky match for you and you deserve better. i'm sorry you're sad and feeling out of sorts, but most of me thinks 'good riddance to bad rubbish'. i mean, he's gone, so it's easier for you to think of the things you miss than of the crap he pulled when he was there(which is more than you want to admit...go back through some of your old threads and you'll see, maybe not yet, but you'll see.) that's what people do after break-up situations too, they know why they broke up, but when they're lonely, they start to remember all the good things and reconsider, even though they broke up for good reasons. know what i mean? someone said it best...a relationship that only works when you omit pressure and expectations is not a relationship, or at least not a real one or a healthy one. but no matter what, it's hard to miss someone. buy yourself somethin' purdy with that fancy new raise of yours!
Ariadne Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 Originally Posted by dropdeadlegs they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder! But it also goes "Out of sight, out of mind!" Absence is to love as wind is to flame, it extiguishes the weak and feeds the strong.
dropdeadlegs Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 Absence is to love as wind is to flame, it extiguishes the weak and feeds the strong. That is quite profound!
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