Star Gazer Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 (edited) So... he left this morning. It was a very tearful goodbye. He called 45 minutes after he left, which was hard. I pray he makes it to his destination safely. Last night we talked about "us" and where we go from here. He said he wanted to continue things the way they are. Not knowing the way things are now, I had to press on to understand. He committed himself to not seeing anyone else while we're apart, and promised that we'd visit each other until he lands a gig. He's never given me any reason to not trust his fidelity, so we're okay in that regard. He also promised to maintain the same level of phone contact that we've had to date (calling every day, if not 2-3 times a day), and I let him know how important those calls would be to me. In a LDR, communication/contact (in addition to trust and commitment) is key. He agreed. However, he made it clear that he couldn't talk to me 10-12 times a day like his last LDR GF required. His fear about being in a LDR stems from her needs and expectations - he couldn't maintain that level of contact with her even if he wanted to. I explained that I didn't have time nor did I want to repeat the same conversation 10-12 times a day, and that a daily meaningful phone call was all I needed so long as we actually did have that talk. He agreed. All of his promises and commitments were voluntary, BTW. I simply asked, "What do you want?" and all of this came out. We also agreed that while we're "together" for all intents and purposes, we're not going to put any pressure on one another or the relationship...about him coming back (although that's the goal) or me moving to him (that's an understanding of a possibility). We're just going to wait it out until he finds a job (anywhere from 1 to 6 months, but most likely around 2-3 months) and figure out where it is and what it requires before we decide on what we're going to do about "us." But until then, he wants us to "work on this." I'm sure at least one person will come out of the woodworks and chastise me for this, but really... this feels okay. Edited January 16, 2008 by Star Gazer
sally4sara Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 No chastising here. Just a wish for the best. My BF and I went through this and it was hard, but it turned out for the best. We now happily live together! I'd even go so far as to say we are better for the experience. Obviously you wouldn't go to such lengths unless you truly cared for each other.
fray718 Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 No chastising from me either. At least u are clear on things now so he is your bf right? You kept calling him your (ex?) bf before hahah. Honestly, judging from this -- the fact that he wants to work on it despite it all -- means that he cares about you and doesn't want to lose you. The only reason he won't 100% promise you anything is *because* he cares for you and don't want to make a promise only to break it. I'm actually happy that you found someone that is worthy to even 'work on things' with. =)
Lauriebell82 Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 I agree that "not promising anything" like Fray said, is probably just because he doesn't want to hurt you by breaking a promise. If he is saying that he isn't going to be seeing anyone else and that you will talk every day on the phone I would take that as a very good sign. LDR are hard, but if you really care about each other you can make it work. Talking on the phone regularly is important to keep up that level of intimacy. Maybe this was explained in your other thread, but how long will it be until you see him again?
Author Star Gazer Posted January 16, 2008 Author Posted January 16, 2008 Maybe this was explained in your other thread, but how long will it be until you see him again? About 3 weeks. He asked for 2 weeks to get settled and adjusted (he's moving home to live with his mother and is mortified at the thought!), and then for me to try to come out the following weekend. 2 weeks later he'll come see me, and then we'll repeat...
Lauriebell82 Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 About 3 weeks. He asked for 2 weeks to get settled and adjusted (he's moving home to live with his mother and is mortified at the thought!), and then for me to try to come out the following weekend. 2 weeks later he'll come see me, and then we'll repeat... Ok, well thats not that bad. The 3 weeks will be tough, but you will see that talking on the phone helps. When I really miss my bf during the week, and am not able to talk on the phone to him yet, I try to distract myself by doing/thinking about something else. So that helps take some of the hurt away. If you guys are going to see each other every 2 weeks, then you will fall into a routine and get used to it. I'm feeling the pain of being away from my bf since I spent a whole month with him, but I'm trying to get through until Friday when he comes to visit. Looking forward to the time you will have with him will turn the negative feeling of being away from him into the positive feeling that you will see him again soon.
Author Star Gazer Posted January 16, 2008 Author Posted January 16, 2008 I have a feeling it will turn into a once every 3-weeks thing, but that's okay too. I'm hoping we don't have to have too many trips... that he'll be back too soon. Either way, I'd rather be in this "place" than where I was when I didn't know what we were, where we were headed, where his head was, etc. Communication really is great.
Lishy Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 I just hope that your daily call isn't him whining about everything that is going wrong and that he remembers to call Good luck Star!
Cobra_X30 Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 We also agreed that while we're "together" for all intents and purposes, we're not going to put any pressure on one another or the relationship...about him coming back (although that's the goal) or me moving to him (that's an understanding of a possibility). Could you be happy living there?
Racquel Colette Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 No offense, has he told you that he loves you yet? If he hasn't, it's all gravy.
Author Star Gazer Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 No offense, has he told you that he loves you yet? If he hasn't, it's all gravy. It doesn't matter at this point. Words mean nothing. I'll focus on his actions, thanks.
Author Star Gazer Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 Could you be happy living there? Who knows. I believe that's part of the reason behind my future visits there.
Trialbyfire Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 About 3 weeks. He asked for 2 weeks to get settled and adjusted (he's moving home to live with his mother and is mortified at the thought!), and then for me to try to come out the following weekend. 2 weeks later he'll come see me, and then we'll repeat... This is a great schedule for an LDR. Good luck, SG!
ahah2322 Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 good luck, star! i really love how you're so optimistic and sincere about things!
Lauriebell82 Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 It doesn't matter at this point. Words mean nothing. I'll focus on his actions, thanks. Have you told him you love him?
Author Star Gazer Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 Have you told him you love him? I'm unclear as to why this matters?
Lauriebell82 Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Oh it doesn't, I was just curious because I know you had posted many times about it. Even if you havn't acknowledged that you are in love, you can still make it work. I guess I just feel that if you have that acknowledgement, the committment to make a LDR work is greater but it's more serious. But that's totally not saying that because you havn't told each other that that you aren't both still going to be committed to it.
Author Star Gazer Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 Well, yes. I have told him. He hasn't used the three words, but he's come pretty close. For him, that's really saying something, so I'm not going to force the issue.
Lauriebell82 Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Well, yes. I have told him. He hasn't used the three words, but he's come pretty close. For him, that's really saying something, so I'm not going to force the issue. Aww, well thats good you told him. He'll get there.
Author Star Gazer Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 He just called - he's about 30 minutes away from his new "home," and he was VERY upset. He kept saying, "This doesn't feel right. This isn't home to me. This isn't home. This doesn't feel right, I don't want to be here." I wish I could hug him from afar.
Lauriebell82 Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 He just called - he's about 30 minutes away from his new "home," and he was VERY upset. He kept saying, "This doesn't feel right. This isn't home to me. This isn't home. This doesn't feel right, I don't want to be here." I wish I could hug him from afar. Did you ask him why he felt that way?
Author Star Gazer Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 Did you ask him why he felt that way? He wants to be here.
Lauriebell82 Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 He wants to be here. Awwww, that's sweet. Well tell him you miss him, and support whatever he wants to do.
Cobra_X30 Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Who knows. I believe that's part of the reason behind my future visits there. I'm glad! If you need any tips feel free to hit me up. Half my family lives there!
dropdeadlegs Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Awwww, that's sweet. Well tell him you miss him, and support whatever he wants to do. SG, I have a good feeling about this working out the way you want it to. I'm sorry about the separation, but they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder! Best wishes, my friend!
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