FindingMyselfAgain Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 Hi folks. Here are the facts: We went out for 14 months, planned to be married.I kept relapsing on drugs / alcohol, but I was trying to get clean and sober -- even entered a halfway house voluntarily.She left me for the father of her child, a five-time convicted felon with a string of domestic violence charges because he could quote the Bible and she went hyperreligious on me. This guy has an active addiction to crack.We've been broken up for 3 months now, he moved in from Florida, and she's been in light contact via email and phone. It's given me hope we can get together again....UNTIL one day she let me know that she's been using dope with him for 6 weeks. She never had before! She's a 42-year-old girl scout mom with a 13 year old daughter! She's even been missing work!The guy's been diagnosed recently as bipolar. She was with a clinical schizophrenic before me (for about a month). I've got a little bit of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder myself. She sure likes her crazy guys!She's been entering adult websites to look for lesbian encounters. I was okay with that side of her....However, now I'm not sure we can ever be together. She's a stone-cold addict now, after 6 weeks of hard using.She is physically gorgeous and I am only kinda average looking (although I have a great body and I'm sweet and make money). But I'm still not so sure I will ever find a pretty, sexual girl again. She wasn't sane -- clearly -- so I must have painted an image of a woman on her and fell in love with the image.WHEN -- not if -- she tries to come back (because this thing they have CANNOT work), should I try again? Can I do better? I'll post an image -- women in particular, tell me: Can I get a pretty, sexual girl who IS sane so long as I stay clean and sober? I'm 43 years old myself.
fizzbomb Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 I think the most important thing for you and for your potential girlfriends is that you sort yourself out. It sounds like you're doing great so far, so just keep going. If she does come back, ultimately it's up to you if you take her, but to me it sounds like she's changed, and you might not want who she is now. As for doing better, of course you can. But like I said, work on yourself first. And it doesn't matter what you look like!
Tripper Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 Hi folks. Here are the facts:We went out for 14 months, planned to be married.I kept relapsing on drugs / alcohol, but I was trying to get clean and sober -- even entered a halfway house voluntarily.She left me for the father of her child, a five-time convicted felon with a string of domestic violence charges because he could quote the Bible and she went hyperreligious on me. This guy has an active addiction to crack.We've been broken up for 3 months now, he moved in from Florida, and she's been in light contact via email and phone. It's given me hope we can get together again....UNTIL one day she let me know that she's been using dope with him for 6 weeks. She never had before! She's a 42-year-old girl scout mom with a 13 year old daughter! She's even been missing work!The guy's been diagnosed recently as bipolar. She was with a clinical schizophrenic before me (for about a month). I've got a little bit of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder myself. She sure likes her crazy guys!She's been entering adult websites to look for lesbian encounters. I was okay with that side of her....However, now I'm not sure we can ever be together. She's a stone-cold addict now, after 6 weeks of hard using.She is physically gorgeous and I am only kinda average looking (although I have a great body and I'm sweet and make money). But I'm still not so sure I will ever find a pretty, sexual girl again. She wasn't sane -- clearly -- so I must have painted an image of a woman on her and fell in love with the image.WHEN -- not if -- she tries to come back (because this thing they have CANNOT work), should I try again? Can I do better? I'll post an image -- women in particular, tell me: Can I get a pretty, sexual girl who IS sane so long as I stay clean and sober? I'm 43 years old myself. Hello FMA. Kudos to you for trying to get clean and sober. It's a tough battle and you will fight it one day at a time. Looking at what you have posted, you are better off without her. You are doing and have work to do on yourself to find that balance in life without someone who is falling off the edge... I'd say stay away from her. As far as finding "a pretty, sexual girl", I have problems with your criteria. If you simply want someone who is gorgeously hot, the world is full of them.. But if you are looking for a life partner you may want to think in terms of trust, honesty, similar values, compassion... stuff that isn't necessarily reflected in appearance or looks. I've met a lot of "plain jane" women who have exuded an amazing sensuality and sexuality. This kind of woman, strangely enough is harder to find... In the final analysis, if you work on yourself, get and stay clean and sober I'm sure you will meet a woman that's right for you...
SpanksTheMonkey Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 And why would you want to continue to beat a dead horse?? She left you obvisely there were issues prob on bouth sides. You guys dident work out your on a mb asking if shes crazy so you obvesly have issues with her or you wouldent be doing that. I say learn from it and move on let your past be just that your past. No amount of good looks makes a bad relashionship worth while! stop being so conserned with how women or yourself look and more with finding one that will be right for you even if shes avarage looking.
Author FindingMyselfAgain Posted January 16, 2008 Author Posted January 16, 2008 I think the most important thing for you and for your potential girlfriends is that you sort yourself out. It sounds like you're doing great so far, so just keep going. If she does come back, ultimately it's up to you if you take her, but to me it sounds like she's changed, and you might not want who she is now. As for doing better, of course you can. But like I said, work on yourself first. And it doesn't matter what you look like! Fizzbomb, she has changed. When I met her, she was a superfreak kinda girl, and -- frankly -- my addiction and alcoholism made it impossible for me to meet women, so this one blew my mind. It was also the first time I was truly intimate with a woman. She changed into a hyperreligious lady for a while, then when she got with this man, she dropped all the church stuff and got back into superfreaky. I miss that! But I probably can do better.
marlena Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 But I probably can do better. Only if you become better. Otherwise, look for a repeat
Tripper Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 Only if you become better. Otherwise, look for a repeat Bang on target, M!
Author FindingMyselfAgain Posted January 16, 2008 Author Posted January 16, 2008 Hello FMA. Kudos to you for trying to get clean and sober. It's a tough battle and you will fight it one day at a time. Yes, but I have the desire for it today. Furthermore, she once wrote me a letter in which she confessed that her need for 'drama' was such that she 'needed' me to keep going out. She admitted she was addicted to emotional pain. Sounds like she found a guy who will give her ALL the emotional pain she could POSSIBLY want. Looking at what you have posted, you are better off without her. You are doing and have work to do on yourself to find that balance in life without someone who is falling off the edge... I'd say stay away from her. Sadly, I have to agree. She's really poison in a pretty bottle to me, or to any man. Dammit, there was SO much GOOD stuff there. She had some spirituality and some kindness, but she just jettisoned the spirituality and quickly became quite cruel. It's obvious that what I saw in her was stuff I was making up. It simply wasn't there. As far as finding "a pretty, sexual girl", I have problems with your criteria. If you simply want someone who is gorgeously hot, the world is full of them.. But if you are looking for a life partner you may want to think in terms of trust, honesty, similar values, compassion... stuff that isn't necessarily reflected in appearance or looks. I've met a lot of "plain jane" women who have exuded an amazing sensuality and sexuality. This kind of woman, strangely enough is harder to find... Don't get me wrong, Tripper. I'm not ALL about those criteria, those are important to me, but they are only a part of the package. I also want a spiritual (not necessarily religious) woman, who seeks the Universal Truths we all seek, and who is kind and thinks of others. It looked like she had those qualities, but her actions tell me I was fooled. I need help in my ability to discern! In the final analysis, if you work on yourself, get and stay clean and sober I'm sure you will meet a woman that's right for you... Thanks. I suspect you are right.
Author FindingMyselfAgain Posted January 16, 2008 Author Posted January 16, 2008 Only if you become better. Otherwise, look for a repeat It is said in the Program of Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous, "No relationships for a year." What they don't tell you is WHY. I discovered WHY. I can only attract stone-cold crazy at this point, perhaps because water seeks it's own level, and I must not be sane myself. I am working on that with dilligence, by studying HARD the works of Eckhart Tolle, Dr. David Hawkins, the Bible, and the Big Book of AA. I feel I will be getting better. The better I get, the less I will want to return to her or anyone like her, no matter how pretty and sexual the person is!
marlena Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 I discovered WHY. I can only attract stone-cold crazy at this point, perhaps because water seeks it's own level, and I must not be sane myself. I am working on that with dilligence, by studying HARD the works of Eckhart Tolle, Dr. David Hawkins, the Bible, and the Big Book of AA. You KNOW the answers. You are as addicted to this type of women as you are to alcohol or other substances. Oh, and read more carefully. Obviously, your reading is as superficial as the women you choose to get addicted to.
Author FindingMyselfAgain Posted January 16, 2008 Author Posted January 16, 2008 You KNOW the answers. You are as addicted to this type of women as you are to alcohol or other substances. Oh, and read more carefully. Obviously, your reading is as superficial as the women you choose to get addicted to. Marlena, you are being a little rough with me, but that's okay. I'm still receptive to your message. As I get better, I won't want that type of woman. Your observation jives with my experience, because on a few casual dates with some very nice women, I found that i wasn't attracted. They weren't sick enough for me. So, yes, I do get it. The part about reading carefully, could you elaborate? Point out the thing I'm missing? Thanks.
Tripper Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 FMA, I from your posts I sense you are getting a good grip on all of this. That's great!! Keep working on yourself. Yes, but I have the desire for it today. Yep, it never really leaves you. But do it one day at a time and prove you are stronger than that. Don't get me wrong, Tripper. I'm not ALL about those criteria, those are important to me, but they are only a part of the package. I also want a spiritual (not necessarily religious) woman, who seeks the Universal Truths we all seek, and who is kind and thinks of others. It looked like she had those qualities, but her actions tell me I was fooled. I need help in my ability to discern! I understand. And there in lies the challenge. But there in also lies the lesson. You are that much more aware of what to look for in a person. Also you can't be faulted for her failings coming through. Don't beat yourself up. Just remember the old saying: "fool me once it's your fault.... fool me twice it's my fault"
Tripper Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 Your observation jives with my experience, because on a few casual dates with some very nice women, I found that i wasn't attracted. They weren't sick enough for me. Good point! And then the problem women become your enablers..
marlena Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 They weren't sick enough for me. This is your starting point. Explore what is so dysfunctional in you that causes you to be attracted to these types. Then, aim to heal it. If you want to. After all, you may not want to. You may be content in getting your thrills this way. As for the reading, do not just read but listen and take heart to what is being said. Consider a different outlook as a potential possibilty to change.
Author FindingMyselfAgain Posted January 16, 2008 Author Posted January 16, 2008 This is your starting point. Explore what is so dysfunctional in you that causes you to be attracted to these types. Then, aim to heal it. If you want to. After all, you may not want to. You may be content in getting your thrills this way. As for the reading, do not just read but listen and take heart to what is being said. Consider a different outlook as a potential possibilty to change. I totally appreciate what you have written. I'll work on myself -- a lot! The time will come when Karen will try to come back -- a good gauge of my progress will be whether I entertain the possibility or not. If I gently detach, with love, I will be well on my way. If I try to reconstitute the relationship, I will still be too unhealthy. There is this: The possibility exists that she will experience a spontaneous spiritual awakening. Then -- if I am well -- it's not hopeless. But that is a zillion-to-one chance, and that doesn't change the fact that I perceive she has hurt me -- even if, truly, I only can hurt MYSELF. Perhaps with spiritual awakening on my part, I can forgive, forget, and move on with no anger / resentment / disappointment. This relationship was very useful in this regard: It made me more aware of myself.
Author FindingMyselfAgain Posted January 16, 2008 Author Posted January 16, 2008 FMA, I from your posts I sense you are getting a good grip on all of this. That's great!! Keep working on yourself. Thank you, Tripper. You don't hang around the rooms of AA for four years and not learn SOMEthing.
Tripper Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 Thank you, Tripper. You don't hang around the rooms of AA for four years and not learn SOMEthing. And like most of life, it's not an endpoint but the journey that is important.
marlena Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 And like most of life, it's not an endpoint but the journey that is important. This idea was beautifully conveyed by Kavafy in his poem The Road to Ithaca. Kavafy was a celebrated Geek poet, on par with Greek Nobel Prize Winners, Elytis and Seferis. Ithaca was the home island of Ulysses. Homer in his epic work, Ulysses, depicts the trials and tribulations that Ulysses, the Greek warrior endured, after the end of the Trojan War on his sea voyage back to Ithaca. The poet's message is that what matters most is what we learn from our journeys towards Ithaca rather than Ithaca itself. Like tripper said, it is the journey and not the destination that really counts. In link below , Sean Connery, accompanied by Vaggelis's music, another talented Greek musician working in the US (Chariots of Fire - Oscar for best soundtrack) recites Kavafy's poem. http://it.youtube.com/watch?v=p1K5k9W62F4&feature=related&search=Vangelis%20Cavafy%20Kavafis
Author FindingMyselfAgain Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 This idea was beautifully conveyed by Kavafy in his poem The Road to Ithaca. Kavafy was a celebrated Geek poet, on par with Greek Nobel Prize Winners, Elytis and Seferis. Ithaca was the home island of Ulysses. Homer in his epic work, Ulysses, depicts the trials and tribulations that Ulysses, the Greek warrior endured, after the end of the Trojan War on his sea voyage back to Ithaca. The poet's message is that what matters most is what we learn from our journeys towards Ithaca rather than Ithaca itself. Like tripper said, it is the journey and not the destination that really counts. In link below , Sean Connery, accompanied by Vaggelis's music, another talented Greek musician working in the US (Chariots of Fire - Oscar for best soundtrack) recites Kavafy's poem. http://it.youtube.com/watch?v=p1K5k9W62F4&feature=related&search=Vangelis%20Cavafy%20Kavafis Marry me. I promise to share my joy with you. Marry me today.
Author FindingMyselfAgain Posted January 18, 2008 Author Posted January 18, 2008 Well, she's still on crack. OMG! She looked like **** when one of my buddies happened to go over to pick up a puppy she's selling. She's not going to church any more, and she's missing more work. Picking up a crack habit at the age of 42. Go f***ing figure.
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