peterc Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 hi all, new member here, ive got a situation i was wondering if i could get your thoughts and comments on. My wife and i have been married for 15 years, together for 17years, we have 3 beautiful children, and at one point really enjoyed our life together - it all really started going down hill after our son (last child) was born 7 years ago, my wife started to become less and less interested in sex, and didnt want to try things, and i felt resentment building off and built up barriers to protect my feelings, during this period i also was working too hard and drinking too much so my weight shot up. My wife doesnt need to work as i have a very good but demanding job, so she basically does nothing all day - except shop and 'lunch'. In this time she got friendly with a really nasty woman - who is very poisonous and destructive. She was also friendly with a older bloke (46) - but kept insisting that it was only friends. In july of last year i took us away to a very expensive hotel, and did lots of nice romantic things for her (flowers / champagne / chocolates) - the works. It still didnt do any difference, and i found myself completely walled off from her emotionally. After we returned from hols, about 1 month later we had a row and decided that enough was enough and we would split up and separate - she was fine with this, and even encouraged it. So the months dragged on and here was me just lying in bed hoping that my wife would want to come back to me because she would be lonely. cue forward to New years eve, and at 11:30 a revelation that shocked me to the core - she had been having an affair! - with this older bloke. It completely blew away all of my emotional barriers i had errected, and now i am left a raw and broken hearted person. She wants to try but keeps talking about 'im not giving any promises', and 'i dont know if it will work'. We are going to councilling, but it is not until next week. I am very unsure about how to act or behave around her, and what to do or say.
wizzlebee Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 Well it sounds to me that she doesnt really want to work things out , saying things like 'i dont know if it will work' Dont you think you deserve someone who will appreciate you. You giving this woman everything ,what is she giving you? You worked hard to keep a roof over your family's head....while she worked hard on another man? You say you not sure how to act around her...But how do you feel? You dont know what you say. Well start by having all those unanswered questions thats going through your mind answered.
Lee725 Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 My wife doesnt need to work as i have a very good but demanding job, so she basically does nothing all day - except shop and 'lunch'. In this time she got friendly with a really nasty woman - who is very poisonous and destructive. She was also friendly with a older bloke (46) - but kept insisting that it was only friends. I don't want to sound nasty here & this is by no means a personal attack but have you thought of it from this perspective?: I would just like to point out, that while you are working, she is taking care of 3 children and a household. I assume she was washing, cooking, cleaning, taking kids to school and performing all the duties that kept the family running? Without sounding nasty - that is hardly nothing, have you tried it? it is 24/7, 7 days a week with no overtime, annual leave or sick days, not 7am to 7pm 6 days a week. The reason i mention this is because if you saw her role in your life and your kids life as doing "nothing", then i assume after 15 years of this a sense of under appreciation may have taken hold which would affect her in all areas of life. In july of last year i took us away to a very expensive hotel, and did lots of nice romantic things for her (flowers / champagne / chocolates) - the works. One trip can not compensate for 15 years of under appreciation. cue forward to New years eve, and at 11:30 a revelation that shocked me to the core - she had been having an affair! - with this older bloke. It completely blew away all of my emotional barriers i had errected, and now i am left a raw and broken hearted person. Have you had any firm evidence of an affair or is this merely a thought? If she was feeling under appreciated in life she may seek the comfort of other people, including the person you labeled as the poisonous friend, she may seek this because they appreciate her as a friend, even with the other male friend, it does not mean she was having an affair with him. She wants to try but keeps talking about 'im not giving any promises', and 'i dont know if it will work'. We are going to councilling, but it is not until next week. I am very unsure about how to act or behave around her, and what to do or say I am not sure if my perspective is correct or incorrect but lets for a minute assume it is correct, i doubt that i could go back to that situation after living it for 15 years and give any real promises. Also if you can not see or refuse to accept that you do undervalue her in this relationship, why would she want to seek councelling? Perhaps a sense of "being set in ones ways", has been constructed here. If she has spent all this time feeling under valued in the relationship it could explain some of the behavior. I am not implying that you have not valued her full stop, perhaps just by devaluing her role as a wife and mother, which in itself is one of the biggest roles a woman can undertake. Good luck.
Recommended Posts