Trimmer Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Now I have communicated. I hope this makes me a little bit better of a person. May - I know I was pretty hard on you up above (the whole "show you're a human" comment was pretty over the top, wasn't it?), but I admire you for doing this - especially because I can tell how hard it was for you. And in spite of my dramatic tearing my hair out, etc., I haven't thought you were a bad person either. You seemed like someone who had found herself backed into a corner, and took a way out that seemed gentle and easy at the time - and that you hoped would save feelings all around - but the tension was building because it turned out not to be so easy. And as uncomfortable as you were dealing with the situation directly, you have seemed willing to look at yourself with honesty, and I think that's a really good thing about you, too. Your note that you haven't really dated as an adult was interesting - You're around 30, right? So you were in one relationship from what, 18 or 19 until recently? So fine, you've got some catching up to do, and this was certainly a situation that gave you some good experience. Like I said, dating is inherently experimental - embrace that with the honesty that you've shown here, and you'll have a good time of it... Incidentally, I think what you said to him: I told him that I was sorry if I gave him the wrong impression, but that I'm not looking for a romantic relationship with him, that I went out with him with the intention of making new friends in the area, but that I was flattered all the same and thank you. ... was a great combination of all the right stuff. I like it even better than what I suggested myself. It was honest and clear, but also human, and kind. Nicely done. Now what he does with it is his responsibility, not yours. (And incidentally, in the absence of any active encouragement from you, I do have to admit that telling you that he'd be willing to hang out "even if" it was just while you were walking your dog, eating, watching TV, cleaning your toilet or whatever, does come off a little desperate... Sounds like maybe he doesn't have much dating experience either... Hopefully now that you've been clear with him he will move on.)
lino Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 He called while I was out to dinner with my friend and left a message about how he would like to be able to hang out even if it was while I was walking my dog, or eating, or watching TV. I called him back as soon as I left the restaurant. I told him that I was sorry if I gave him the wrong impression, but that I'm not looking for a romantic relationship with him, that I went out with him with the intention of making new friends in the area, but that I was flattered all the same and thank you. And then I got off the phone. It sucked. I could hear the disappointment/ anger in his voice. Oh well. I did what had to be done. Now I have communicated. I hope this makes me a little bit better of a person. I think you handled it well
Author maynicholas Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 KMT- I'm a retail manager/ full time student Trimmer- Thanks for the 1st kind words;)- I did take your responses to heart. Yes, I'm 30 & was pretty much in the same relationship since 19 (with a few breaks here & there- but those breaks were in my early 20's when I still wasn't required to act like a complete adult) Thanks to everyone else who replied with advice! This is why I love this site. Even when you are getting torn apart it is all for the greater good to help you learn for the next time. That being said. I think I'm done accepting dates for a while. Unless of course the guy is perfect
Green Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 u need to something now, I need another story track and critisize you on.
ronin82 Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 He called while I was out to dinner with my friend and left a message about how he would like to be able to hang out even if it was while I was walking my dog, or eating, or watching TV. I called him back as soon as I left the restaurant. I told him that I was sorry if I gave him the wrong impression, but that I'm not looking for a romantic relationship with him, that I went out with him with the intention of making new friends in the area, but that I was flattered all the same and thank you. And then I got off the phone. It sucked. I could hear the disappointment/ anger in his voice. Oh well. I did what had to be done. Now I have communicated. I hope this makes me a little bit better of a person. 2 cents here. You did the right thing in the end, and yes the guy didnt get what really happened. Now, the really cool thing to do, would be if you could somehow make him understand that acting needy and codependant, the puppy eyes, roses and begging for your time, will not make him attractive to women. Well, in the end, he will have to figure it out by himself somehow, just like the rest of us guys:D
Trimmer Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Now, the really cool thing to do, would be if you could somehow make him understand that acting needy and codependant, the puppy eyes, roses and begging for your time, will not make him attractive to women. Well, now I'm going to stand up for may here... I know you're not saying that she owes him this - just that it would be cool - but I'm not even sure I agree that would be a good idea. In addition, I think she's made a great step here - and a complete one, bringing the whole thing to a close - and I don't think she needs to be saddled with any further thoughts of "maybe I should have done something more." The reason I'm not even sure it's a good idea to try to go that apparently extra helpful step (and I speak from the guy's perspective here, too...) is that trying to engage him on the basis of what wasn't working would just cloud the situation further and keep them entangled, when the whole point is to make an honest, clear break. Really, I think her point was that she just didn't feel a connection, and while the needy aspect may have been a part of that, it may not have been the dominant factor. The problem is, if she tries to help "fix" him, then even that good-hearted intention may well lead to misunderstanding. Can't you just imagine a guy - especially this guy - thinking "OK, she told me what I need to change, so if I change like she suggested, then she'll like me..." If the fundamental issue is that the chemistry just isn't there, then things aren't going to be any different, and it just potentially extends his confusion. It just keeps the can of worms open, when the whole point is to close it and move on, for both their benefits. Well, in the end, he will have to figure it out by himself somehow, just like the rest of us guys:D I agree, and there are lots of other ways for him to get feedback on his dating behavior - talking to other guys, talking to women friends, boards like LS, etc. I think a date who has turned you down - while I grant that she is certainly close to the situation - is probably not the person to get that feedback from. Clean break.
Mary3 Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Well ,I gave the * I don't feel a connection speech * to the guy that was calling and calling me .......and turned around and met a great new guy 2 nights ago
Green Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Well ,I gave the * I don't feel a connection speech * to the guy that was calling and calling me .......and turned around and met a great new guy 2 nights ago Lest just start sleeping togather and see if you begin feeling one
Mary3 Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Actually I am way over the letting the guy have sex too soon stuff. If he likes me he will wait until its right ....
Phateless Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Actually I am way over the letting the guy have sex too soon stuff. If he likes me he will wait until its right .... That's valid. How long is that on average?
Mary3 Posted January 26, 2008 Posted January 26, 2008 That's valid. How long is that on average? It could be weeks....
Author maynicholas Posted January 27, 2008 Author Posted January 27, 2008 u need to something now, I need another story track and critisize you on. Not to worry KMT- I'm sure I will have one soon enough. My boss wants to set me up with his brother when he comes in town. I told him to get that idea right out of his head. He told me he dreamt that I was his sister in law. I'm sure some drama will ensue in a few weeks. Hang tight.
Author maynicholas Posted January 27, 2008 Author Posted January 27, 2008 Well guess who showed up at my job again today... I pretended I didn't see him and one of my coworkers swooped in and waited on him. Seriously. Would you be so quick to show up again like that? It isn't like he didn't know I would be there today. He knows I am always there on the weekend. Ick. They said he would not stop staring at me and it looked like he was about to cry the whole time. Is this odd?
underpants Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 Oh my, You may have devastated him a tiny bit. It is odd after one date for him to visit like that. Yet, there was a bit of miscommunication and he might just have needed to do something silly like visit your place of work to have his closure. He might have thought it was a good idea and that you would approach him and reconsider. When that did not happen he caught a clue. I hope that is it and he moves on. You did communicate with him on the matter so if he should call or visit again you can reaffirm your words. Can't wait to see how your next drama unfolds.
Author maynicholas Posted January 28, 2008 Author Posted January 28, 2008 Can't wait to see how your next drama unfolds. I'm alright with a little drama. As long as this doesn't turn even more weird & creepy. I should have listened to my gut and cancelled the date (or said no) from the begining. All my friends were so pround of me hanging out with someone I didn't know (I'm very anti-social). There are reasons why I don't like strangers- this whole event proving my point precicely!
Phateless Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 I'm alright with a little drama. As long as this doesn't turn even more weird & creepy. I should have listened to my gut and cancelled the date (or said no) from the begining. All my friends were so pround of me hanging out with someone I didn't know (I'm very anti-social). There are reasons why I don't like strangers- this whole event proving my point precicely! With all due respect, this is a ridiculous attitude. Your fear of strangers and anti-social tendencies are the exact reason you were too chicken to turn him down for a date in the first place. Also, EVERYONE you meet in life starts out as a stranger. Don't get me wrong, this guy is definitely WAY out of line here, but don't go using this one event as fuel for the fire of not ever wanting to meet people and being even more shy.
Author maynicholas Posted January 28, 2008 Author Posted January 28, 2008 With all due respect, this is a ridiculous attitude. Your fear of strangers and anti-social tendencies are the exact reason you were too chicken to turn him down for a date in the first place. Also, EVERYONE you meet in life starts out as a stranger. Don't get me wrong, this guy is definitely WAY out of line here, but don't go using this one event as fuel for the fire of not ever wanting to meet people and being even more shy. Of course it is. It was meant as a joke. I am just a loner and happy in my solitude. But I am not shy by any means. I am selective and warm up slowly to people, that's all. -However, I do feel badly rejecting a person to their face when I can see how nervous they are asking me out, and know that they went out of their way just for that purpose. Especially in front of a bunch of people. But don't worry, next time I'll be much better at it
Phateless Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 Of course it is. It was meant as a joke. I am just a loner and happy in my solitude. But I am not shy by any means. I am selective and warm up slowly to people, that's all. -However, I do feel badly rejecting a person to their face when I can see how nervous they are asking me out, and know that they went out of their way just for that purpose. Especially in front of a bunch of people. But don't worry, next time I'll be much better at it Good. Honestly, in most people it's the guilt that makes it hard. It's actually much easier on him long-term if you reject him immediately. I've had girls say "I don't think so..." when I ask for their number and I much prefer that to playing phone tag for a week and then her flaking out on a date.
Author maynicholas Posted January 28, 2008 Author Posted January 28, 2008 Everyone keeps asking what I did to this poor guy! Everyone who knows me knows that I love to say no to people, I'm great at it- but then again, they also know I have a soft spot for stray animals. Maybe my brain short circuited on this one (oh, that was mean, sorry)
Green Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 im like a lone wolf babe, just when they think they've tamed me I do something wild
Author maynicholas Posted February 3, 2008 Author Posted February 3, 2008 Well... guess who showed up AGAIN today. I saw him as soon as he walked in and went & hid in the back. I know he saw me. He asked my coworker what time we got out tonight. That coworker of mine isn't the brightest and told him. Finally everyone else is as skeeved out as I am.
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