Trimmer Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 (edited) I thought that ignoring him and just not calling him would make the point perfectly clear. Do I need to comb other posts in the Dating forum, or dating books, or whatever, and come up with examples where women are told: "Make him work for it, don't give in too easily..." How the heck is a guy supposed to read your mind about not returning calls when you said "OK" to his "we should do it again" You said you were soooo busy; that's probably why he thinks you aren't get back to him right away.. Honestly I disagree with this. You don't have to give an explanation or even tell a guy you're not interested. You simply don't pick up the phone or return his calls or say "I'm sorry, I can't go." It is simply an acceptable and polite way to decline, and men are getting psycho thinking that they need an explanation after a first date or even two or three if there is no interest. Well, you don't have to be a kind, considerate human being either, but some of us strive to be anyway. He's not psycho and claiming he needs anything; the OP is complaining that he's not getting it, and would like a solution. Given that he's gotten contradictory messages, wouldn't a little honesty go a long way toward resolving that? So, you're suggesting that after she's already agreed to a second get together ("we should do this again", "OK") that going completely no-contact is "acceptable and polite?" Now I would have loved to step out from the counter and say, thanks but I'm not interested in dating you (in a nice way)- but we were busy, So you claim to be willing to speak the truth, so then why not make one phone call and say exactly that same thing. Alright. So I figured if I just didn't call him he would get that I wasn't interested in anything.... How do I handle this now. I do not feel like I owe him anything... Why are you avoiding just telling the simple truth? It is looking like all this about "I don't owe him anything" and "he should just get it" is rationalization for you being unwilling to extend the simple human courtesy of telling him the truth, when you have led him to believe something that isn't going to happen. Do I call him and tell him I'm not intersted or just not call and if he calls me let him know then? If he calls, I have a feeling that you won't pick up anyway, so if you're going to do it, you might as well call him and do it on your terms. But why is it even a question whether to call him or wait until he calls you? It really makes no difference at all, other than if you call him you get it done on your terms and on your schedule. Why the dilemma? Are you just looking for more rationalizations to avoid it? <tearing hair out> Why go to such lengths and such aggravation to avoid the simple truth? I don't think it is all that funny. I absolutely agree with you. I have absolutely learned my lesson here- no dates with customers! Actually, I think that's not the primary lesson you should have learned here. You could just as easily get into a similar situation with someone you meet somewhere else, but realize after a first date that you don't want to continue. How about the lesson: be honest about your intentions so as not to lead someone astray... Make him go away! I believe you could do that. So far, this isn't completely about him being insistent and forward - it's partly about you saying "yes" to a second date and him relying on your words, and not being able to read your mind that "OK" really means "I don't want to see you again..." If you are straight and honest with him, and then he persists, then I will wholeheartedly agree that he should back off, and he's "not getting it." But while you expect him to read your mind, and your actions contradict what you said, things will continue to be confused. What would you do? I hate confrontation. As a guy, I can't tell you what I would do in your place, but perhaps better, I will tell you what I would like done to me. I would appreciate an honest, straight statement that you are not interested in persuing a relationship with me. Don't make excuses about "too busy" or say "not right now" or lean on some other excuse to save my feelings. (You've already asserted that you "don't owe" me anything, so why would you bother...) Just give it to me straight. It would be great if you could at least be kind, but no need to inflate my ego or make excuses. I can't speak for him, but if I were interested in a woman who said "yes" to a second date, and then she didn't answer my phone calls, I would probably try a little harder before giving up, too (although admittedly, I wouldn't invade her work environment for the purpose...) I don't read minds - and frankly, being expected to pisses me off - but I do appreciate being treated like a thinking, adult human being, and I would understand if you just tell me "Thank you for the (coffee, whatever...) but I don't feel any chemistry, and I don't want to persue a relationship with you." Maybe even an apology for being caught off guard and agreeing to a second date... Treat him with honesty and courtesy as an adult human being, and in the same action, show that you are one yourself. Edited January 22, 2008 by Trimmer
Jilly Bean Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 I thought that ignoring him and just not calling him would make the point perfectly clear. No, as you see, for some of them, it makes them try harder. I say its high time to produce your mystery ex! Or, do you want me to call him for you?
Trimmer Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 No, as you see, for some of them, it makes them try harder. I say its high time to produce your mystery ex! <The last strands of Trimmer's hair slip through his fingers to the floor, and as he slumps in his chair, his now bare skull reveals the burst blood vessel that has at last silenced his typing fingers.>
oppath Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 I agree with Trimmer. While this guy hasn't been getting the hint, I once went out with a girl 6 times, and she turned down 5 of my next 6 dates offers. Think I'd get the hint, right? I was inexperienced, but she also gave me mixed signals. "Yeah, give me a call Friday and we'll figure out Saturday." She wouldn't call me back until Saturday and she was sick. Or she lost her phone. The thing is: she actually did want to casually date me (we talked about it a month later when I ran into her and we got back together. Naive me). She just broke up with her long term boyfriend and was trying to slow things down. She didn't want to see me more than once every 2 weeks. With more experience, I've learned not to even bother with someone who is at all unavailable no matter what the reason, but she did give conflicting signals. She would kiss me at the end of dates, accept my next one, etc. I could not understand, if she were not interested, how after 7 dates she wouldn't say "I'm not interested" so it made me try more hard. In this case, with more experience, yes, this guy likely would get the picture, or rather, he wouldn't want to waste his time on someone who isn't forthright. However, he was given a yes for a second date but never an official no. So he is going to try extra hard. If you want a solution, the solution is simple. "I enjoyed meeting you and had a good time, but I don't feel we are right for each other romantically. I'm sorry I wasn't more forthright. I wish you the best of luck." Problem solved. If someone is not getting the hint, shame on them, but if it is a problem for you, shame on you. Just be brief and honest. Don't be evasive. Don't bring up mysterious ex boyfriends.
Green Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Well at least you know that you have a friend after the ordeal! But he might wow you,and his looks wont even matter, and next thing you know you are in LOVE!!!!!!! oooooooh:love: If a girl told me she didnt like the way I looked, I would suggest we have sex and see how she feels afterward
Phateless Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 So I agreed to a date with a guy I'm not attracted to (we had some things in common so I said yes). I know this will be the only date. Do I tell him at the start of the date that I am not interested in dating and I'm just looking for friends (which is true)? I really don't have time for dating- especially if I'm not attracted to the guy. How do I handle this? I don't want to be rude and cancel- so what would you do? I think it's more rude to go on a date with someone who you already know you have no interest in. You could go on the date and give him a chance, but if you've already made up your mind, then you're wasting his time.
Green Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 now lets see where you went wrong shall we 1) you went on a date with a guy you knew you were not into 2) you let him pay 3) you didn't make it clear you just were not into him when it was obviouse he had the wrong idea (eg flower incedent)... At the rate this is going your going to end up underneath this guy naked
Krytie TV Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 At the rate this is going your going to end up underneath this guy naked But only because he didn't get the "hint" when she didn't say yes.
Mary3 Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 I would not go on a date with him. Period. You need to give the speech now...ie: sorry but I don't think we are compatible. I am about ready to give that same speech.
Author maynicholas Posted January 23, 2008 Author Posted January 23, 2008 (edited) Oh god. Do I really have to call this guy just to tell him I'm not interested? I don't even know how to say it. "Um hi. I'm just calling to say sorry if you got the wrong impression, but I'm not interested in you romanticly. Thanks. Bye" Seriously. If you men are so keen on me calling him to tell him, could you give me a script or something. Nothing more than 2 minutes. And to clarify- when I said yes it was because I could use some new friends in this new town and he is from my old town so I thought it would be nice to hang out with someone from my old neighborhood. I didn't think he was going to go all stalking me at work type of thing. Seriously, he showed up 2 days after we went out and then 2 days after that. I don't think it is appropriate to have this kind of talk in my work place in front of the customers. Trimmer- If he did call I would answer the phone (it would be much easier than calling him just for this purpose)- but he doesn't ever call because he knows he can find me at my job and stop by. Edited January 23, 2008 by maynicholas
underpants Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Oh god. Do I really have to call this guy just to tell him I'm not interested? I don't even know how to say it. "Um hi. I'm just calling to say sorry if you got the wrong impression, but I'm not interested in you romanticly. Thanks. Bye" Seriously. If you men are so keen on me calling him to tell him, could you give me a script or something. Nothing more than 2 minutes. Actually, I can understand where Trimmer is coming from. Have you ever liked a guy and he 'flaked' on you, or just stopped calling. It is frustrating. If you don't deal with it, then he will most likely develop an opinion of you as an insensitive flake, or a girl with (pretend) ex issues. What if later you happen to like someone he knows? Just be direct and honest and he will have to at least respect that. I think what you wrote is fine. At least he will know and not be wondering what happened. I would go with calling him. 'I had a nice time with you however, I am not interested in pursuing anything further. I hope you understand. Take care.' If he tries to question you about it just say you have stated what you needed to and that you have to end the call.' It sounds so rude, but it is better the being passive...I think. Good luck...
Author maynicholas Posted January 23, 2008 Author Posted January 23, 2008 Hey- I'm fine with insensitive flake! Alright, I'll call him tomorrow. Unless he shows up at my job again. Seriously- doesn't anyone think it is creepy that he keeps showing up? It isn't like we had several dates. It isn't like we have been speaking on the phone or online. It was one date. We talked about books. I rushed out of the car and kept my head turned away incase he was thinking of making a move when the night was over and when he said we should do it again I was halfway out the door when I tossed back a 'sure I just don't think I'll have time anywhere in the near future'.
Green Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Hey- I'm fine with insensitive flake! Alright, I'll call him tomorrow. Unless he shows up at my job again. Seriously- doesn't anyone think it is creepy that he keeps showing up? It isn't like we had several dates. It isn't like we have been speaking on the phone or online. It was one date. We talked about books. I rushed out of the car and kept my head turned away incase he was thinking of making a move when the night was over and when he said we should do it again I was halfway out the door when I tossed back a 'sure I just don't think I'll have time anywhere in the near future'. I think he just liked you, hes obviously not smooth enough to pick up on girls like you. I dont really know what he was thinking showing up with flowers, but it doesnt make him a creep
Author maynicholas Posted January 23, 2008 Author Posted January 23, 2008 I think he just liked you, hes obviously not smooth enough to pick up on girls like you. I dont really know what he was thinking showing up with flowers, but it doesnt make him a creep I didn't say he was a creep- just that I think it is creepy.
Green Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Oh god. Do I really have to call this guy just to tell him I'm not interested? I don't even know how to say it. "Um hi. I'm just calling to say sorry if you got the wrong impression, but I'm not interested in you romanticly. Thanks. Bye" Seriously. If you men are so keen on me calling him to tell him, could you give me a script or something. Nothing more than 2 minutes. And to clarify- when I said yes it was because I could use some new friends in this new town and he is from my old town so I thought it would be nice to hang out with someone from my old neighborhood. I didn't think he was going to go all stalking me at work type of thing. Seriously, he showed up 2 days after we went out and then 2 days after that. I don't think it is appropriate to have this kind of talk in my work place in front of the customers. Trimmer- If he did call I would answer the phone (it would be much easier than calling him just for this purpose)- but he doesn't ever call because he knows he can find me at my job and stop by. hhaha who cares about being inapropriate infront of customers what do you do anyways?? bank? resteraunt? retail?? look you obviously dont like this guy so stop looking for reasons to put him down and call him a stalker... although I really cant think of a good way to end it at this point. Probably just call and be really clear that you dont like him that way and that you dont feel comfortable with him showing up at your work to see you.
monkey00 Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 If you liked the guy, flowers or not you probably would not consider that creepy. Though at this point if you do tell him, likely it's better off not being friends at all. Because if you want to be and tell hiim that you guys can be friends, it'll make him think he has a chance with you...and may try hard or just give up.
Trimmer Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 (edited) Seriously. If you men are so keen on me calling him to tell him, could you give me a script or something. Nothing more than 2 minutes. I see that Unders has already replied with a good option, and there were two other specific suggestions earlier in the thread, before you even asked: ...I would understand if you just tell me "Thank you for the (coffee, whatever...) but I don't feel any chemistry, and I don't want to persue a relationship with you." Maybe even an apology for being caught off guard and agreeing to a second date... If you want a solution, the solution is simple. "I enjoyed meeting you and had a good time, but I don't feel we are right for each other romantically. I'm sorry I wasn't more forthright. I wish you the best of luck." All 3 are reasonable; I think oppath's is my favorite of the bunch. So what is the giant obstacle here? It's pretty basic human courtesy and communication... Oh god. Do I really have to call this guy just to tell him I'm not interested? I don't even know how to say it. May, my worry for you isn't about dating customers from work, or even about this particular guy and his inability to read your mind in spite of the active assertions you made. Nothing about your statement above is specific to this situation or this guy. My worry is: are you really ready to date, to experiment with relationships, and to communicate honestly to men? Dating is experimental, almost by definition. You won't be able to completely know or control what kind of man you will see before you go out - that's the whole point of going on a date. And therefore, you're not going to connect every time. As a matter of fact, it will most likely happen more often than not that you will realize after one or two dates that you DON'T connect. And even once this creepy-stalking-flowers-at-work guy is gone, even if you swear off dating customers from work, some time further down the road, after a date where you don't feel a connection but he thinks he does, aren't you going to be right back here again, at "I don't even know how to say it?" I will again disagree with Raquel's assertion up above that completely ignoring someone is an acceptable and polite way to handle it (especially when you said yes to a second date - your secret 'friends-only' intentions notwithstanding,) but ignoring is the only mechanism you seem to be able to use right now. I think that it would help you to develop a little more skill at communicating honestly with your dates. I do agree with Raquel that you don't owe some detailed explanation of why, but I think you do owe someone basic honesty and courtesy: a return to a phone call, an honest answer if they say "want to do it again?" (which, you need to understand, after a first date doesn't mean "want to be just friends?" and he's not going to read your mind if you are thinking that, unless you SAY IT.) What happens with the next man you date, or the one after that, if you decide it's not working for you? Will it really be any different? Do I really have to call this guy just to tell him I'm not interested? Of course not. You can just go on expecting him to "get it" eventually. How's that method working out, by the way? Edited January 23, 2008 by Trimmer
Phateless Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Unders is dead-on. Listen to her. If a girl knows she isn't interested in me, I would be really pissed at her for letting me take her on a date. I have better things to do than waste my time with someone who isn't interested.
lino Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Oh god. Do I really have to call this guy just to tell him I'm not interested? I don't even know how to say it. IMO you don't have to call him to tell him you're not interested but you should tell him you're not interested the next time he calls YOU or comes into your shop. Yeah, the flowers thing is over the top but other than that the guy is just pursuing a woman he's interested in, nothing wrong with that. If a girl knows she isn't interested in me, I would be really pissed at her for letting me take her on a date. I have better things to do than waste my time with someone who isn't interested. Definitely!!
HoustonScrewed Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 You need to call him and explain it from the start, that you never were interested, but you wanted to give it a shot with the date. You didn't become more interested. Be nice and try not to break his heart! This will be the easiest way!
Author maynicholas Posted January 23, 2008 Author Posted January 23, 2008 Trimmer- Perhaps your right about me not being ready to date. I did just get out of an 11 year relationship and have never really dated as an adult before.
Author maynicholas Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 He called while I was out to dinner with my friend and left a message about how he would like to be able to hang out even if it was while I was walking my dog, or eating, or watching TV. I called him back as soon as I left the restaurant. I told him that I was sorry if I gave him the wrong impression, but that I'm not looking for a romantic relationship with him, that I went out with him with the intention of making new friends in the area, but that I was flattered all the same and thank you. And then I got off the phone. It sucked. I could hear the disappointment/ anger in his voice. Oh well. I did what had to be done. Now I have communicated. I hope this makes me a little bit better of a person.
underpants Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Now I have communicated. I hope this makes me a little bit better of a person. It makes you an honest person and that is good.
Green Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 It makes you a person less likely to find themselves in this situation again if you keep this communication thing up. And for the record I never thought you were a bad person, just naive. u never answered what kind of job u work in
Phateless Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 He called while I was out to dinner with my friend and left a message about how he would like to be able to hang out even if it was while I was walking my dog, or eating, or watching TV. I called him back as soon as I left the restaurant. I told him that I was sorry if I gave him the wrong impression, but that I'm not looking for a romantic relationship with him, that I went out with him with the intention of making new friends in the area, but that I was flattered all the same and thank you. And then I got off the phone. It sucked. I could hear the disappointment/ anger in his voice. Oh well. I did what had to be done. Now I have communicated. I hope this makes me a little bit better of a person. You did the right thing. You're a good person for doing that. Now you have set him free to pursue someone he might actually have a chance with.
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