dunno01 Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 So I posted on here earlier in the week with my story. Wife and I been together for a little over 3 and a half years, own a home together for the last two. We have been in therapy for about a year (1st therapist 4 months, 2nd therapist slightly better with a small amount of improvement in last 7 months). Therapy at first brought our number of fights down, but it didn't really do anything to solve our problems. Basically, though the issues change, we have had the same argument for the last year and a half. Know what I mean? In therapy we learned that we have very different and not greatly compatible argumentive styles. She's confrontational and argumentive, I'm avoidant and withdrawn. When we fight we bring out the worst in each other. While no one gets hit or anything gets said that would be lastingly regrettable, our fights are screamingly intense and terrible. This has gone on to a degree ever since we moved into our home about 2 years ago. We should have been in therapy even before a year ago when we started. So as I posted before, about two months ago, I just felt like I just quit, just gave up hope and effort. A couple of weeks later through work I met someone and we started spending time together and I, unfortunately, began to have feelings for this person. We did not have sex, but we were very physical and caring with each other though we both always had the sense that we were doing something very wrong. I could not stand the lies and eventually told my wife about it. At this point I just figured our relationship was over. Additionally, the whole mess just ruined anything that was there as well with the other person. Myself and the other woman decided to stop this and let me be alone and focus on whether I wanted to continue on with my wife. We are now separated and I volunteered to leave the ho8use since I am the one who has lost the will to continue. Even still, this is ridiculously difficult emotionally and terribly confusing in terms of deciding what to do. My question for some of you is when do you think you know it's time to just call it off? I'm greatly confused and feel very guilty even though I think m8yself and thisi other person showed an incredible amount of willpower in not having sex. Anyhow, I still care deeply for my wife but I just can't see a future currently where we are both happy. I see us trying to repair the relationship and the same thing happening again shortly down the road. My head says that it's probably over, but my heart says it's going to hurt, hurt, hurt for a very long time. We triied therapy for almost a year. Our fighting and such continued. When do you say it's over? It's so hard to tell. I don't want to continue on in something that is not fulfilling but yet I don't want to also make a mistake I'll regret for the rest of my life. So confusing. Also, probably after about 6 months of living in the ho8use and intense fighting, I don't know what happened, but all of m8y sexual thoughts about her just stopped. Is this normal sometimes? I feel so badly for her about it and I never told her that because what woman would ever want to hear that fromt the person she cares about? But they did. They went away and never came back, even in the periods of relative calm they didn't really come back. I know I sound like the opposite of the typical guy, but when we had sex, I usually just had it to try and make her happy. I attribute the fact tha tthe sexual thoughts just disappeared somewhat to our intense and prolonged fighting. Has this happened to anyone else? Before I met this other person, we had sex maybe once every two months or so, but again, usually only to make her happy.
whichwayisup Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 I would take time alone and then talk to your wife again. WITHOUT the other woman in the picture because ANY real feelings you have for your wife, or desire to fix things once you two have time apart, will get in the way if the OW is still in your life. But, it sounds like you're very close to your enough is enough and the fighting, the problems and not a great sex life, therapy (that isn't working) has led you to think about walking away for good. Do you feel you gave it your best and tried to change your ways, tried to have those explosive fights? Did your wife honestly give it her best? These are things you need to sit and think about before deciding 100% for sure to end it and get divorced.
Rx12578 Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 This may not be practical but I'm wondering if maybe you might want to consider changing therapists? After a year if seems like, if nothing else, the fighting should have eased off...
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