weightoftheworld Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 Im all over the place. I need some perspective. I need your honest help. (deep breath). Im in love. I know my soulmate. I knew her long before I even knew those two things because by chance she moved to my town from the other side of the world in grade 4, sat next to me only because of similar last names and happened to be intelligent and humorous just like me (we even finished second and third at graduation). Weve got along fantastically ever since elementary. So of course I liked her, of course she liked me. We just didnt realize to what extent until we went separate ways for college. She had always had her friends/boyfriends and Id had my equivalents when we were in HS together. We had remained good friends, but the love that grew blindsided us both. The force of the pain was unbearable when we had to be apart. But the world that initially brought us together as young lovers seems to now conspire to keep us apart. All through college we tried to build and maintain some semblance of a relationship, but we all know distance is so very hard. So we loved intermittently. And after college it only got worse since she moved back to Asia and I stayed in the US. But we always kept in touch - email, phone calls and the occasional wonderful meet ups where wed get wrapped in each other for about a week once a year. It was all we had, so it had to be enough. All the time in between we made due, lived our own lives, saw other people and developed as individuals. But its different because now she has a serious asian boyfriend of several years and Im THE OTHER MAN. Now shes even moved down under to live with him and Im still in America. Now I have nightmares that she will get married and our time together will be over. Now every time Im with her I feel the guilt of making her a cheater. Now its so painful to realize what she told me long ago - that her parents would disown her if we were to get married. That in eastern culture marriage is not just her choice, she cant just do whatever makes her happy. Its a family decision. Im so confused. How can she say she loves me best and forever but do this? How can she settle for whats accepted and choose him? Am I being used? Is this really an east v west thing Ill never understand? How can I say I care about her but then ask her to defy her family? How can I give her an ultimatum like that? But what am I supposed to do? Stop seeing her? Not talk to her ever again? Do I walk away? Please help. Should I ask her family for permission? What should I say to her? Weve invested so much time and love here...almost 20 years, together as lovers, students and apart as individuals and strangers and back together again. Love that spans like this has to be real. If its not what else is there? I dont think I have the strength to find out.
jerbear Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 She enjoys your company and maybe it is time to step back to let yourself heal. This relationship / thoughts are not healthy for you. You can wait around all you want but IMO, you might want to work on yourself and go find others. She is with him and she really didn't cheat with you. So she is not a cheater.
Summer108 Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 Wow, my heart really goes out to you! I know firsthand the overwhelming and debilitating hurt that goes along with not being able to really be with the one you love. I'm a romantic and I guess not as much as a realist as I should be, but if you really love her and believe her to be your soulmate, I would go to her and lay it all out on the line. Go to her parents and let them know how much you love her and want to spend the rest of your life making her happy. Not being of that culture, I'm sure that I have no comprehension of the dynamics of how and why they make their decisions that they do. I don't think you will ever get over her if you don't go and give it everything you have to make a life with her there in her country with her family's blessing, which obviously means so much to her. As far as the boyfriend - if she really loved him, she would not keep coming back to you. Good luck - please let us know how it goes.
stagnant Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 I'm Indian and he is Chinese. We met in college during and even from the start I knew my parents wouldn't approve. But as much as I tried to fight it, we were drawn to each other. So for three years we dated and kept our relationship a secret from my parents. Finally, we decided that it was time and I took him home with me for the Winter break in 2006. I had hoped that my parents would like him when they saw how happy we were together... how much in love we were... I hoped that they'd be undertanding and even if they didn't like it, they would at least accept it (afterall, he is at least Asian). I'd love to tell you that it happened that way and we lived happily ever after... but there are no fairytales here... my parents told me that I had to end it. After graduation in May, I was required to come back to India. So, its been thirteen months ago, since I broke up with my boyfriend of three years. We agreed to stay friends, but of course it was just too difficult... too painful. I still miss my Chinese man and I know I will love him for the rest of my life... but not everyone has the priviledge to choose. Cultures, religions and filial duty is not explainable. In fact, I even feel lucky that my parents allowed me to study abroad and are not "arranging" my marriage (like most of the girls here in my town). I guess what I'm trying to say is... whatever you decide to do, consider it from her point of view. From what you've posted, it seems that she loves you very much too and you seem to resent her (for being born into her culture), which really isn't fair to her. Remember, she is the one stuck between you, her parents and this other guy, it must not be easy on her. I'm sure she feels guilty to everyone involved. And if her parents are anything like mine, my heart really goes out to her... At the end of the day, your life really isnt that bad... at least you're not the one stuck with a person you are suppose to love...
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