Daisies Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 How do parents handle red flags from daughter's fiance'? My daughter 21 years old, has been dating him for 3 months and came home Xmas Eve and announced that she was engaged. Did he talk with us before the engagement, no. He 20 years old and had been married last year for a total of 4 months after dating another girl for over 1 year. Told us ex-wife decided she didn't want to be married anymore. He's paying $742.00/mo for car insurance because he has so many tickets and accidents. His mother's been married 4 times with the father married 3 times. We were so concerned because he didn't have a job when he asked her to marry him, but his mother called and said he was getting a terrific job and no financial worries. Now that job has not turned out to be not what it originally was. Instead it's instead a commission based job. Our daughter has always dreamed of having a beach wedding with all the glamour. It's so hard to put your heart into something when all you can see is crash and burn blazing in huge letters at every thought of the wedding. They have plans to wed in May, but honestly I'm not a fake person and find it so hard to put on a happy face when plans are discussed. They are adamant that they are marrying. I wouldn't want to miss my only daughter's wedding by digging in and saying I'll not be a part of, but I honestly think my hands are tied and can only hope they prove me wrong. My daughter and I have always been so close, but in this instance she'll not heed observations I very carefully voice. I've honestly tried to find an ounce of whatever she see's in him, but it seems during conversations with him all he provides are smoke and mirrors. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
sally4sara Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 That is a hard one! And what usually happens when you tell your young adult kid they're about to make a big mistake, all you get is "I'm an adult and I'm going to do what I want!" Maybe, just maybe....try telling her how special she is, back it with a few stories about things she did while growing up that made you burst with pride and that in those moments you were blown away at how precious she was and how you knew she deserved someone who saw this in her too. Always word it like "And then after knowing you for 6 years, you did fill in the blank and when I had known you 12 years..." etc. Let her know that you know many wonderful things are waiting for her down the road and you want to be there for her for all those things, but you are very worried that she isn't convinced how special she is or how much better she deserves and maybe that is why she is rushing things. Tell her you can't see her fiance's special qualities because you haven't seen any of his accomplishments and you worry she isn't giving HIM enough time to show anyone these things before adding more responsibilities on him. Maybe she should enjoy her time with him and see what he can do if she gives him the time to blow her and your family away with how special he is too. Then everyone will be able to feel the wedding is magical with her. Its worth a shot eh? You can't not say something at all and it's better than just having a go at her.
quankanne Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 highly encourage them to go through a marriage preparation course/class to help them in their future life – there are some pretty indepth ones out there which cover everything from A-Z, and really make you think outside the "oh, how sweet"/lovey-dovey/rose-colored glasses stage of getting married. The Catholic Church does this, and I tell you what, you really think about stuff! or, if they plan to be married by a clergyman, find out what that church's policy is on marriage, if they couple must undergo some kind of preparation. My guess is most other denominations are alarmed at the divorce rate among couples who are ill-prepared for marriage, so they do their best to counsel WAY ahead of the big day so that there's a better chance of the couple weathering those rough patches that often hit. in East Texas, there's a program being touted called "We Vow Now," which sounds a lot like what the Catholic Church is doing with marriage preparation, but it's funded through a grant. It's new, so I don't know what the success rate is, but just even knowing that there's someone out there – a secular entity – that's taking this stuff seriously is heartwarming. meanwhile, don't discourage your daughter's dream of that perfect wedding, but gently remind her that marriage is more than just that one day, it's preparing for a lifetime with someone and she'll be glad that she invested in more than just the ceremony by getting premarital counselling
Author Daisies Posted January 16, 2008 Author Posted January 16, 2008 Thanks for your suggestions. That is the problem in a nutshell. We don't know him and what we've seen of our behavior is not impressive in the least. It doesn't seem like it's important to him that we welcome him into our family. His attitude is basically, I'm marrying your daughter and that's that. As a parent you have to accept it, but not like it. I will make more efforts on my part to speak with my daughter and reaffirm how we would like to get to know him better and see the qualities she sees in him. As your marriage counseling, I will check into that also. Thanks, again.
Angelina Nisse Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Those are great suggestions! My daughter's only 13 but the thought of this makes my teeth chatter....I couldn't stand to see my beautiful daughter hitch herself to some loser! I hope she listens to you!!!
hotgurl Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Is your daughter in college still? Who is paying for the wedding? My first thought is that she is too young to get married. If she is still in college I would sya I won't pay for a wedding until you graduate college that gives her some more time to think about it and get to know the guy more. 3 monhts is not a long time at all to know each other before getting married why the rush? HAve you asked her that?
cicada Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 I would say when you have a moment alone with her with some time to talk .. tell her straight what you have concerns with and that if they love each other it wont matter if they wait another 6 months untill he gets his finances together. now if she wont listen just respect that. there really isnt anything you can do . I had a friend who's fiance was horrible, her fiance did drugs and was just basically strange in general .. all of her freinds told her their concerns.. it didnt stop her, and even when she realized he was a jerk we all tried to help but then she got pregnant... anyway fast forward~ she divorced him and believe it or not lost custody of her child. basically people wont listen no matter how much you care about them .. it is live and learn . so try that talk and if not just be supportive so that when she does finally see the light she will feel that she can turn to you for help i know it must be so hard. your in my thoughts.
Rachel_0814p Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 (edited) This is sticky. Your daughter is at an age where she thinks she knows everything, but in reality, knows nothing, yet legally she can do whatever she wants. If she's going to do it, you can't stop her. And voicing your concerns is only going to lead to more determination to do exactly the opposite of what you want her to do. Sometimes you just have to let your children make some of the terrible mistakes that they are determined to make. My suggestion is to try to talk some sense into her one last time. But, if she refuses to listen, you'll have to face being stuck in the predicament of being the parent of an adult, when your day of authority is over and the time of being seen and not heard is just beginning. If she's dead set on marrying this shabby guy, then the best thing to do will be to support her and be there for her, even if she's dead wrong. Because, when their relationship falls apart, you'll want her coming home to you instead of jumping into another relationship with some other guy because she has no one else to turn to. If the money for the wedding is your last bit of power here, and if your daughter will be depending on you to pay for her wedding because it was always your intention to pay for a big wedding, then you should do your part here and pay for the wedding so that your daughter doesn't resent you. Just make a "Year and a Day" rule: Let her commence with wedding plans, BUT be firm that the wedding date has to be set for at least one year and a day from the date he "proposed", or else you wont pay for anything. Hopefully the year will be long enough for her to come to her senses and back out of the engagement. If you can hold out against her anger, crying and begging until she finally agrees to the year and a day rule, then just make sure to wait as long as you can to put down any huge non-refundable deposits down for the venue, photographer, etc. A lot of couple's break up during long engagements because of the stress of wedding planning. If you're lucky, after being engaged for a while and some of the newness wears off, maybe some of the rose tint will have worn off of your daughter's "glasses" and she'll see what her "fiance" is really all about and she'll realize what she's getting herself into. If you hold off on some of the bigger deposits, you wont risk losing so much money. Good luck. I sure don't envy your situation! Edited February 10, 2008 by Rachel_0814p
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