wanttoknow Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 I have read some of the replies to another post on just friends - whether or not it is okay for a spouse to have a close friend of the opposite sex. I agree that it can be okay - and I do know that some of my own insecurities can lead to unneeded jealousy. My extra question is this though - in talks with their opposite sex friends, is it appropriate to discuss our relationship and struggles? or do you think that a person who does that is just trying to replace something that they are not getting from their partner by bringing that up? Obviously, I have a vested interest in this, and honestly it is all in what you choose to believe in I think, but the more I read on this, the more I see the importance of keeping some real important boundaries so that the marriage (significant relationship) is not harmed or jeopardized. Thanks ahead of time for all of your input!
quankanne Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 I guess it all boils down to just how well you know this person. In my case, yeah, I'd discuss certain concerns with my closest guy friend because he's helped me through some emotionally tough times, but out of respect for him AND for my husband, there are certain areas I won't go (sex, primarily) because that would be just a little too weird, you know? But concerns like "I'm worried about my husband because his problems with his back are worse and he seems to have sunk in a depression/is hard to approach, how do I handle this without making him angry or feel persecuted?" are when BFG's insights as a married male are invaluable. Same thing when he's talking about trying to be a good stepfather, but still be able to firmly keep the boundaries (respect in relationships, adolescent problems, etc) as a person who has a grasp on what's right and what's wrong, but without causing his wife hurt or concern or anger: I'm the "married girl" perspective. And I think in that sense, it's definitely good to have a trusted friend of the opposite sex to help guide or mentor you BECAUSE he/she knows you that well. And because his/her vested interest is in seeing your marriage be or stay successful.
quankanne Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 I'd also add that the opposite-sex friend has a friendly/strong relationship with your spouse and is adamant about not taking sides or bashing your spouse when you share your problems with this particular friends. As I said earlier, his/her main concern is to help you be successful in your marriage. do you think that a person who does that is just trying to replace something that they are not getting from their partner by bringing that up I think when someone crosses the boundary in taboo areas (stuff they've implicitly agree that's not food for discussion unless it's high-level emergency, and only if X conditions apply), it's their way of trying to draw attention to themselves. Sorta like the five-year-old who keeps pestering her parents' company by saying "Look what I can do!" However, the little one is probably acting without guile ...
whichwayisup Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 I took a little read and am wondering if your wife still has that male friend she was close to during his divorce? I take it that friendship with him is still on-going? Because this has been an issue now for over a year, it's time that your wife distances herself, detaches from him. Most people in a marriage who have opposite sex friends are also involved with BOTH spouses, let alone keep things platonic, honest, and no hidden secrets and meetings. Your wife IS getting something out of the friendship and it is not good for your marriage.
Author wanttoknow Posted January 16, 2008 Author Posted January 16, 2008 in regards to this friend, it has changed since last time. We are more mutural friends - and I believe my question has come from some recent discussions where I am just wanting to know where those boundaries are. Earlier, I believe she has stated that it was inappropriate and that the boundaries were moved in her favor - but me talking to this guy often has helped me see what an advocate he is for me and he has truly been more of a mutual friend. I am still believing that there are more barriers that need to be put in place, but I know that there is more time with me now than anybody and as we talk more - want to make it a more healthy and agreeable situation for both of us.
MysticStar Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Wouldn't a simple generic approach to friends of the opposite sex is to treat them like a brother or sister. For example...Would you discuss your sex life with your spouse with your sibling of the opposite sex? So wouldn't a brother-sister, sister-brother approach to such relationships be a good way to handle them?
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