Garbo Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 (edited) Hi everyone! I'm brand new to this forum and site, and need some advice on a guy I'm dating. We've been seeing each other for about 5 months now. Things were going very well. I traveled with him out of state for a week to meet his family over the holidays. He told me he loved me for the first time on New Year's Eve. Before in our relationship, when we left each other after being together, we'd spend 3-5 minutes saying goodbye, kisses and hugs. In his emails to me, he'd sign his emails "affectionately" (I'm using another word to hide my identity, but you get the idea - a term of endearment). Since we got back from our trip, however, there's been a slight change in his behavior. I had a talk with him the day after we came back from the trip because I noticed a change in his behavior, for instance, pulling back a little when I tried to give him a kiss. He'd give me a kiss, but it was hesitant to me. When I asked him if he was okay, he said that it was, that he was just in a disarray since coming back, sort of like needing to get back in the routine of things. He said it was not me at all. When I asked him if he wanted to date other people, he said no, and jokingly ( I think) added that he didn't have the time for that. Well, since our talk, he still acts less affectionate and pulls away a little when we kiss goodbye, so I called him on it a couple of days ago. He told me that he is not always in the mood for a 5 minute kiss. This hurt my feelings because he seemed to like our "5 minute" kisses before, in the first 5 months of our relationship. He also stopped using his signature ending in his emails and has just been using his name or initial. He also doesn't show me affection as much as he did before. On the flip side of things, he has been giving in some other ways, but this lack of affection and his comment have made me depressed. In my previous relationship, I had an abundance of affection, and I've been told that perhaps this guy I'm seeing is the type that is affectionate until he feels comfortable in the relationship, and once he feels that we are really together, he doesn't feel the need to do that anymore. He's a nice guy, but I am afraid I've found myself backing off emotionally a bit because if this really is the real him now, I'm not sure I can deal with less affection. If this is how he really is, am I being unrealistic to tell him what I need from him and that this pulling away and his comment about kissing hurt my feelings? Any comments or advice? I do love this guy very much. I'm just not sure what's going on here and if I'm asking for too much. Edited January 15, 2008 by Garbo
amaysngrace Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 I would tell him that he hurt your feelings. Definitely. Because it's making you feel insecure in your relationship. Very uncool. Every time you get an email you feel insecure too. That's gotta suck.
Author Garbo Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 (edited) I'm thinking about telling him this, that it hurt my feelings, but then I think, who am I to push a kiss if he is not always in the mood for it, and worried I'll make us both self conscious about kissing. After all, if he's just being honest with me, won't it make him not want to be again if he's worried about hurting my feelings? It's true that many put masks on for each other until we know we've got that person I guess. Edited January 15, 2008 by Garbo
Krytie TV Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 Welcome Garbo. PLEASE use paragraphs... they make it easier to read First, I think you sound a little oversensitive, not that you can necessarily change that. People always change as relationships develop and 6 months can be about the time when people start regressing to their normal behavior. Don't take the change personally, it's natural. However, on the second point, if you can't handle less affection, then you need to tell him and let him decide if he can fulfill that for you or not. It's possible he may think you're being too needy, but you need to make your feelings known ASAP.
amaysngrace Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 Yeah but you have this insecurity and he can easily help you out if you let him know about it. If you tell him it makes you feel bad when he doesn't sign his name like he used to he'll probably understand. And he'll probably appreciate you more for it even. Because you opened up a bit more of yourself. I'm sure he wants you happy and secure in this relationship. If he doesn't he's a scumbag. But I'm guessing he's probably a good guy.
Author Garbo Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 Krytie, Yes, I know people change over the course of a relationship, but this change seemed to come on suddenly, not gradually. I guess the only way to find out is to talk to him. I have been putting it off because I don't want to scare him away. Other than this, I want to be with him. I guess I'm also trying to see how big an issue this is for me - like can I adjust to his new behavior?
amaysngrace Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 I have been putting it off because I don't want to scare him away. I guess I'm also trying to see how big an issue this is for me - like can I adjust to his new behavior? If he doesn't like you for all of you then what's the point? Don't change or "adjust" yourself if it's something you feel strongly about. The guy is obviously making you feel bad with the recent changes. Bad enough to post about it. To me that makes it a big deal for you. You should let him know.
Author Garbo Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 amaysngrace, You have a point. I will most likely bring this up by Friday. Still thinking about it and I will more than likely see him on Friday. Thanks! G.
Author Garbo Posted January 16, 2008 Author Posted January 16, 2008 I decided to talk to him, but this is the way I handled it. ...a little background information is in order. This guy is going through a lot right now. A family member is very ill and is not expected to make it much longer. My guy was very upset about leaving when we did and expressed this to me. There are some other things that he's dealing with as well, but I decided to handle it a bit differently than I was going to originally. I told him that I noticed a distance between us still and that I understood that he was going through a lot right now and that he can talk to me if he ever needs to. He told me he knew this and things seemed to be alright. I guess from this point, only time will tell. The next time we have some time alone, I may casually and lightheartedly bring these things up that are bothering me, but will just wait and see how things go.
amaysngrace Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 I'm glad you clarified your situation a little. I think he has needs right now. He's going through a lot like you say which is probably making him withdrawn from the affection he showed you before. He's putting his needs first before yours right now. And that is understandable. By you saying you are behind him tells me that you are good for him. You know when to put your needs on the back burner to concentrate on his. That's good stuff.
Author Garbo Posted January 16, 2008 Author Posted January 16, 2008 amasyngrace, Thanks for the positive words. It helps to hear them. G.
Jilly Bean Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 Garbo, it's entirely normal for a man to pull away after a period of a lot of closeness or intimacy in a relationship. This is NOT a bad thing. After your extended holiday trip and meeting his family, though YOU would feel closer, it can freak a guy out and cause him to pull back and regroup his own feelings. I strongly suggest you DONT raise any of this again with him, as it will only push him further away as he will feel nagged. Just act light and breezy, and I am sure within a few days, everything will be back to normal. This is a temporary and normal part of a relationship.
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