marlena Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 I am a firm believer that some people don't learn things through love and patience these people learn things through hardships and cold hard realities And some never learn at all. Just another fact of life. By the way, I hold your posts in great respect.
Tomcat33 Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 I know I need to leave and want to, but I am so scared. Not of the unknown, but of never being able to find someone I love as I do him again. I guess I am in love with who he was and not who he is now. Cj ending a relationship is never easy, it is always scary and it is always very hard. Even when you really want it to end and you feel you are no longer in love with someone it is still very hard. It is a big change that needs time to adjust to PLUS there is that whole idea of "what if I never love like this again?" So my next natural question to you is: what do you love about him? I know you say you love him and not who he is right now, but this is who he is and this is the him you have known for quite sometime now and the "old" him seems to be burried away somewhere far out of reach and it does not look like he is going to let him come to surface any time soon under these circumstances, if anything you are helping him burry that guy deeper. So it looks like you lost that even with him so what is the point? Hope is good but unfounded hope on chance or "magic" alone is just irrational. We always feel we will never find a "love like this" again, yet do we, and sometimes two-fold. Just my own obsevation of life, at least my life...I never fear leaving a relationship for not finding love again, it hurts and it takes a lot of getting used to detach of a particular person but I don't fear for what's ahead in terms of feeling again, time has proven over and over that there is always better. Once you convince yourself of this you become fearless. You won't have what you had with him, no prob not, but you can have something different and better in its own way and when faced with losing THAT you will ask yourself the exact same question "what if it never feels like this again?" Staying with someone who is wrong for you because of fear of what's next to come, is not a good enough reason to stay with someone. It is a natural fear but you have to put it into prespective and you have to love yourself above all. This man has nothing to offer you but pain and the message you are trying to send him is not getting though so what can you do to send a louder message when words are no longer heard?
Author cj1988 Posted January 16, 2008 Author Posted January 16, 2008 You all have brought tears to my eyes....I never thought leaving a BAD situation would be this hard. I know it will be hard for him as well, he is not a monster, just a lonely hurt man. I do not believe that this is what he wants either, but will realize one day it was best for both at this point in time. We always swore in the beginning that we would never be like everyone else, D or even treat each other badly, but that was when we were young and in the moment. Now that we are both older, we should no better. We say things in anger that would blow your mind, and to me 2 people IN LOVE that have RESPECT for one another could not do that no matter what. Yes, he bit his tongue for years as I did not and that is why he is so hard now. I treated him harshly and badly, but have not in a long time. Everyone that knew us wonder why were getting married, we faught constantly for years. So, I am sure the peace that comes with the split will ultimately be the answer we have been looking for....I will miss him, I already do......I miss the man he was......he is dead and gone, words from his mouth, I killed him a long time ago. I do not think he wants to be this way, his lack of compassion and love make it normal right now. He will be a great guy for someone one day and I will be a great woman for someone one day, too bad we could not be that for each other, not in the cards I guess.
marlena Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 The fear of the unknown is not nearly as bad as living a life of unhappiness. Words of wisdom. The unknown as scary as it may be still holds promise of better days to come. A life of unhappiness holds no promise other than the promise of more unhappiness. Like Jmargel said, when all options have been spent, it's time to gaze into the unknown - with hope and courage.
Author cj1988 Posted January 16, 2008 Author Posted January 16, 2008 Marlena, you are a wide one as well. I guess I am just freaked that at 41 I have to start all over again. I know that is not old and I am not going to be lonely unless I want to be. I have no problem getting a date, but that is not what I wanted. I loved being married and having that one person in my life. I have never really dated, so this should be fun, eventually. Right now I am thinking about how I am going to fix up my lake house ( I love it there, only place I can relax and have peace) and how different it will be to come home to nothing but me.....I can read, watch TX, eat cereral or do a shot of liquior and have a beer, alone. My brother said, if me and my W were going to D I would be thinking about all the things you can do now that we never did before because we married so young, he said I would be excited not depressed. He is so right....I have a lot to look forward to and I know once I do not have to see his face everyday, all the hurt will evnetually fade. Oddly enough, I am not as mad at him as I was....the last 3 days have been peaceful for me, I guess because I am finally letting go inside, no denial. I do not expect anything from him now, so that makes sense of why I am not so upset.....after you come to terms of what it REALLY is, there is no denying. Now it is my H turn to do that.....
marlena Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 You need to calm down NOW and escape from it all... once and forever. You may or may not have another relationship. There are much worse things that can happen to you. Relax...accept yourself..rediscover yourself for I fear that in all the confusion, you have lost touch with who you are. After reading about your husband and his sister, I wouldn't, not for a million dollars,advise you to stay with this person. Remove yourself from all this emotional clutter and work on regaining your health, emotionally,mentally,physically. Not every person we encounter is worthy of love. Free yourself NOW!
Tomcat33 Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 Cj 41 is NOTHING, I know people that find love and a good life all over again in their 60's you just never know what life has in store for you. BUT the reason I am suggesting you make a move to cut things off with him now is not so that you can start a new life with a new guy (well you might decide you want to do that and if so that's great!) I really don't think that you will walk away and that will be it, I think that if you are still interested he will come to his senses and take the apropriate meassures to get the help that he needs so that he could be 100% your partner again. He is not respecting you now and you are allowing him to disrespect you so make him admire you again. I honestly don't think that he will walk away and never look back, all these scare tactics he is turning around on you to not leave him or else it is done for good and forever is NONSENSE, he is just saying that because he knows it works and is very comfortable right where he is with his thumb planted firmily onto of you. I can guarantee you he will come to his senses, if he is just lost. The only way I see him not coming back is if he is just looking for a way out, but that does not look like the case here. He needs to prove to you that he is on board to meet you half way so that the two of you can have what you once had, or better. What I don't get is why you have to move out if it they are all your homes? anyway that's semantics, just thinking out loud... and finacial things you need to figure out... but the bottom line is, make a move, shove the rug right out from under his feet and make him lose his balance. He will either stand straight to avoid the fall, or fall. Either way it will be better than what you have now. Regardless of the outcome there is a sense of relief, and peace that comes with taking life by the horns and making a change, and a little bit of strength tha you can gain today can go a long way for you tomrrow. And stop blaming yourself for his choices, yes you are both to blame for the relationship problems and the dynamic you might have built together, but he abuses substances, he refuses to get help and has been emotionally if not more cheating on you, you are NOT to be blamed for that.
marlena Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 read my threads and tell me if you would not be some kind of a basket case of your H was f---- his sister End of dicussion! Get up and GO!! No ands, ifs or buts!
Author cj1988 Posted January 16, 2008 Author Posted January 16, 2008 Thank you both, yes I know 41 is not old, just a number. I really hope me leaving helps him to get help, but I seriously doubt it, he likes being high and thinks there is nothing wrong with it. Told me recently in a fight that the drugs and alcohol make it easier to be around me.....whatever. He was doing them way before me and will continue until he dies. If he does get help and changes and tries to come back, I will not take him back....this I know about me, when I am finally DONE, I am DONE. The whole sister thing just shows me more, even if it was a EA that he has deeper issues than even I knew about. If a grown man and woman that KNOW they are related can still act as they did, something is really off with them both. Hell, I feel sane compared to them LOL ! She has pretty much stopped talking to him, I am sure he scared her off with his obsessive calling and the fact I mentioned some things said in the tape to her H......she and my H quit shortly after that (August last year). Anyway, I have a great support system when needed, family, friends and of couse SOME of you here on LS.....just wait, one day soon I will be posting from the real me again, not the me you all know now. I am so much stronger than this one !
Tomcat33 Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 just wait, one day soon I will be posting from the real me again, not the me you all know now. I am so much stronger than this one ! We are all just a shell of ourselves when we are consumed with a crisis situation so that is totally understandable CJ and you should never have to apologise or excuse yourself for that, you are hurt and confused and your self esteem has been eaten away by a situation that is draining. The idea that you are ready to make a change speaks volumes about the strength you do have. Drug addicts that have eaten away at their family's patience are dealt with in the exact same manner, they are told you get help and clean themselves up or they cannot count on the family any longer, but in order for it to work the family needs to be prepared to cut all ties. It is a huge risk to take but the addict is as good as dead anyway, so why not risk for the positive? I know you will find it in you to do what is best for you since you have already taken the first step and that is recognizing your life is YOURS to take control of. {{{{{hugs}}}}}
Author cj1988 Posted January 16, 2008 Author Posted January 16, 2008 Tomcat, you are the bomb ! That is th eonly hug I have had from anyone in over a week, sad but true.....I know in my heart I am a good person and have learned a lot from my experiences, good and bad. I know I can overcome this and feel good about my self again. I know none of you could tell this, but I am the type that walks with their head high and known to be very confident about myself. The attraction men have had to me is my prescence (appearence as well, I take care of my self) the way I held myself a did not give a damn kind of spirit. I still look the same on the outside, but my insides are blue and gray from being beat everyday. I no longer have that confidence as I did, but I will find it soon.....I miss feeling sexy the most.....weird ?
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