cj1988 Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 If you and your WS are not getting along and you think it would do you both good to take a break, should that be grounds for a D? Does seperation and or a break make things worse or better? Anyone tried it and have a good or bad experience to share? By the way, it could be 1 week or months, no time limit here !
jmargel Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 Bad or lack of communication leads to a bad relationship. Then you want to know if seperating and having even less communication might benefit the relationship? Maybe I'm retarded, but I don't see how that will work. Ever try putting more into the marriage, and explore options such as marriage counseling? I have not yet met a therapist or marriage counselor that suggested seperating to try to have a better relationship in the future with your spouse.
Mz. Pixie Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 Bad or lack of communication leads to a bad relationship. Then you want to know if seperating and having even less communication might benefit the relationship? Maybe I'm retarded, but I don't see how that will work. Ever try putting more into the marriage, and explore options such as marriage counseling? I have not yet met a therapist or marriage counselor that suggested seperating to try to have a better relationship in the future with your spouse. I agree with J here. The only way a separation truly works, IMO, is if both parties are separated and NOT involved with anyone else and going through intensive marriage counseling. I know one person this worked for, her husband was controlling and jealous- not unfaithful. She finally had to leave him to get him to get his act together. I think that somehow you're hoping if you separated it would snap him back into reality, but I somehow doubt it. He's had an affair with his sister correct??? He needs some serious IC. Seems like he would only take a separation and use it to see someone else.
Author cj1988 Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 Thanks guys, but I have tried it all! We do not talk because he has nothing to say. He will talk to everyone but me.....I tired more sex, now he does not want it, I have tried asking to go to MC, I already do go IC....he will not have it and after reading a thread by EMPTY, I am sure my marriage is a waste of time.... my H is no longer in love with me, but will not leave...he does not care about my feelings at all and I cannot take this silent, loveless, sexless marriage anymore, hurts too bad !
PerfectXPretty Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 I've been with this guy for 3 years & he's like that... he never talks about anything, he always wants breaks after being together like 3 months, he doesnt seem like the guy i want to marry & the things he does just confuses the hell out of me.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 He's not in love with you but he won't leave? Why? What is it he's clinging on to? Not wanting to be lonely? He's only hurting you more and more, and doesn't realize the damage it will do to him too. I read your posts, but after seeing that last part what is it you are holding onto, if anything?
Tomcat33 Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 Plenty of therapists recommend separation when all else fails, it just depends on the school of thought. Staying together to force a situation when one partner is saying they want out, only sinks you deeper into the problem, more years of limbo go by and the party wanting out loses even more respect and love for the other and the party desperately trying to hold it together loses even more self esteem only to appear even less appealing to the partner wanting out. It's nonsense to insist a couple not try the separation route, nothing kicks reality into gear MORE than feeling like you have lost your partner, and that will NEVER happen if you continue staying together when all else fails, no matter what you do to stay together. It's very rare.
Author cj1988 Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 Trust me I have asked him the same thing over and over again. He tells me if he did not want to be here he would not. BUT, he avoids coming straight home everyday, comes in a few hours shy of going to bed. Sometimes we do not speak at all. He never holds me anymore, nothing but he loves me, right. He said unlike me he loves me unconditionally and has been here through all our crap for 13 years. But in reality it is his body that is with me and not him. He tells me that I am no patient enough and to quit trying to make it work instead of letting it just happen. Well, we all know on LS, it does not JUST happen. He does not like change and or the unknown and I do everything for him and his son. He does nothing but work, play and sleep. Why would he ever leave. I am doormat now and feel horrible. I want to leave and am making plans to move to our lake house. He tells me if I go and take a break down there by myself it is over, so be it. But, when I tell him we need to D he gets mad and says do what you want, now who loves who? I am not the type of woman that can live with someone just for the sake of having soemone. I want someone that WANTS to come to me and be with me, not someone who is comfortable. My biggest issue is that he always tells me how horrible I am and how screwed up his life is because of me, and the next day, he acts like we never had words.....is he crazy or is it me? Why stay in it if you are MISERABLE? He is not trying at all and says I waited for you to join in for years, now you can wait for me....what a bunch of s--- !
Author cj1988 Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 Also, he does not care if he hurts me at all and about my feelings. He said this relationship has always been about me and it will no longer be what i want and he is tired of hearing how everything effects or bothers me.....he said I did not care when he was hurt etc....but I did !
Planofool Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 I have printed it off and will be giving it to my wife to read. Thank you
Author cj1988 Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 Planol, what are printing, this thread? Why, what is going on now?
Tomcat33 Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 He does not like change and or the unknown and I do everything for him and his son. He does nothing but work, play and sleep. Why would he ever leave. I am doormat now and feel horrible. I want to leave and am making plans to move to our lake house. He tells me if I go and take a break down there by myself it is over, so be it. BINGO!!! On top of the fact that he has you pretty much under slave status for him and HE is the one that needs to come around, HE holds over your head that if you do seperate it is DONE? Do you realise just how much power you have given this man? Cj honey, you have to separate, this man has you under his thumb so tightly I am afraid he is going to crush the life right out of you, if he hasn't already. He will never EVER do anything to change having you by his side. And you can play tough and become independant and you can do all you want to treat him like you have the uppper hand while uner his roof, but the truth is that he already has your # he knows what buttons to push and he is WAY too sure of you .The only way to rock his world is to MOVE OUT and separate from him. Tell him I am not putting up with you or your threats a day more, we are through until you can get your life together, if you can't then I will continue on my way but I am not living like this any more., THIS IS the ONLY message that will hit home for him. Hit him where it hurts him the most, and let reality hit him dead smack in the face like a cold snow ball. Staying with him under these dead end conditions is a road to nowhere and you are harming your mental health more than you care to see right now which is only going to make you even more vulnerable to further abuse from him.
Planofool Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 Sorry cj1988....I printed off jmargel's old forum to give to my wife to read.
Author cj1988 Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 Tomcat, you do not even know him and you know US. The sad part I think he likes seeing me this way, hurt and sad. I think he believes I deserve it for all the hurt he felt for years. By the way, he lives in my house, I own both....funny huh? I am renting the other in April, so he has to move and I am moving to the lake house. I do not know what happened to him. He was never this mean, ugly and cruel for years, How did I not see this side of him? Is that what happens when people have A and fall in love with someone else? Do the ones they claim to love for 13 years become the enemy? I feel like a fool 99 % of the time. I am so much better off than he is in many ways, and I have LET him bring me to my knees ( NO MAN HAS DONE THAT TO ME BEFORE) as if I do deserve it.....wow !
Author cj1988 Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 I can tell you this, I do not cry anymore and have not for a long time.
Tomcat33 Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 Cj I think you have painted a pretty clear picture, I can only imagine what is going on. I can't say I understand what is driving him to act this way and to change so abruptly for the worse, but I can definitely see your pain and it makes me sad to know that someone could be this trapped in a very unhealthy situation. I am a firm believer that some people don't learn things through love and patience these people learn things through hardships and cold hard realities. You have tried to understand you have tried reasoning with him and being patient and it has got you absolutely nowhere, he knows that if he plays the guilt trip on you it will make you doubt your own thought process, he has you under his grip. You have so much to live for and your life is being wasted on a person that just does not deserve your love and devotion, your man sounds toxic, and he sounds like someone who is comfortable in his ways and who is more than happy to pass the buck so no good can come of that. He has learned that he can continue on with his bad actions and all he needs to do is threaten YOU and scare you into believing you will be miserable without him and he has you right where he wants you. CJ how much worse off can you be without this negative influence in your life? He has sucked the life out of you, and for what? You say yourself you have so much going for you so why waste it on someone who just does not want it? He wants the comfort of your lifestyle and the freedom to be for someone else, isn't your guy the one having a thing with his estranged sister and is also an avid pothead? C'mon CJ nothing can be worse than what he is putting you through, he wants you out of his way to be and act as he wants as if he were singe and putting nothing into your relationship while he is living under the same roof as you? I would say to him, you wanna act a single guy? be my guest but it is NOT going to happen under my roof." That doesn't mean you will magically stop loving him or that it will be easy for you, but you need to gain some of that love back for yourself. I think you need to really take a look at what it is you are holding on to and why, I agree that in relationships one should not bail when the going get tough, but not when it means staying with someone that is causing a severe detriment to your own health and wellbeing. this is not about working through the hard times this is about compromising your own sanity and emotional health in order to accomodate another human being who refuses to reach out and meet you half or even a quarter of the way. CJ if you have never let any man do this to you before why are you accepting it now? NO ONE deserves to be treated like this, but unless you show others with your actions that you will not stand to be treated a certain way through your own actions and determinations, the message in words alone get's blown away with the wind...
Author cj1988 Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 Thank you Tomcat and trust me I hear everything everyone tells, including our friends who can see it in action. I know what I have to do and must do now, I have just never had to leave someone I love and do not want to be without. Yes, he does act as if he single and the sad part is he has a 16 year old son at home with us that has suffered as much as me. He is embarased by his father and coming from a tenn that is GAY that should tell you something. Both my son (at college) and his tell me to leave him all the time. That he is damaged goods and a selfish p---- ! My son told me when I was really having a hard time with the sister thing that this was MY way out finally and not my H....how do you think that felt coming from a 19 year old. My H has a lot more issues he will have to deal with other than a D in the end. He no longer talks to the sister and is holding a grudge against her as well (claims all his family abandon him) so as you see he passes the blame on al the time. His life is sad, I will give him that, but mine was worse. Yes, I did not treat him as well as I should for years, I had issues, MY fault, but I do now but I guess too late for that. That is not my issue....now it is LET me GO! Knowing him, he will stalk me like he did before and try to live as we did for 11 years, together, but not married. I have no idea what hold he has on me now....maybe because I have never been rejected or dunped before, I know that plays mind games with a person.....
twice_shy Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 If you and your WS are not getting along and you think it would do you both good to take a break, should that be grounds for a D? Does seperation and or a break make things worse or better? Anyone tried it and have a good or bad experience to share? By the way, it could be 1 week or months, no time limit here ! I think taking a break with a WS only allows the WS to more easily continue being wayward.
Author cj1988 Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 I thought about that Twice Shy, but if that is the case then I did the right thing by leaving anyway to find out what he really is about !
jmargel Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 The reason why he continues to mistreat you is because you tolerate it and expect it. You playing the victim will get you no where. He has cheated, lied, disrespected and tells you he is not going to change. When all options are exhausted, such as in your situation then it is time to leave. Leave without holding any regreat that you are leaving. Know that you tried everything and that it was him that caused this marriage to fail. If you don't do this, you will continue to live your life in misery. It's upto you. We can only give you advice, it's you that needs to take it. The fear of the unknown is not nearly as bad as living a life of unhappiness. You need to give yourself the chance to find this happiness. You only have one life, which is a very limited one in terms of time. You don't get any extra bonus points after you die by staying with a man like this. You need to make the next move.
Author cj1988 Posted January 16, 2008 Author Posted January 16, 2008 Jamrgel, you know I have seen a lot of your posts and you give awesome advice to all. You are very wise and seem to have most situations down pat ! I know I need to leave and want to, but I am so scared. Not of the unknown, but of never being able to find someone I love as I do him again. I know that is strange for someone like me that is known as a straong woman. I am leaving very soon, I have been moving things slowly at the time. I just want to make sure I am doing the right thing and that there is NO hope for us. I know he has good in him, he was not always this crappy ! I guess I am in love with who he was and not who he is now. I know I hurt him, but that is no reason for him to continue in this manner. I honestly stay so confused it is scary. I have not really spoke to him unless spoken to for 3 days now. Of course he is all about control right now, so he never touches, hugs, kisses me at all, forget sex.....something he wanted all the time for years.....whatever I want, I will not get with him right now.....he thinks I have controlled US for years and now too bad.....he tells me he does not NEED or WANT anything from me except for me to love him.....what kind of comment is that? Remember this man is NO dummy, very intelligent, but stupid at the same time.....
Kasan Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 CJ, I am not following you here, and I am a little bit confused. I thought that you had come to a decision regarding your marriage a couple of weeks ago. I thought that you were going to leave, so what has changed?
Author cj1988 Posted January 16, 2008 Author Posted January 16, 2008 I am leaving because I have to now. He does not know, I am doing this a little at the time to keep the peace. I have a lot to lose, financially and sentimental things in the house now. I own both houses, so I am leaving one and he will stay. But, I know him....he will trash things I want just because. Yes, I do love him very much, but know what I have to do, do not want to do !
jmargel Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 Jamrgel, you know I have seen a lot of your posts and you give awesome advice to all. You are very wise and seem to have most situations down pat ! I know I need to leave and want to, but I am so scared. Not of the unknown, but of never being able to find someone I love as I do him again. I know that is strange for someone like me that is known as a straong woman. I am leaving very soon, I have been moving things slowly at the time. I just want to make sure I am doing the right thing and that there is NO hope for us. I know he has good in him, he was not always this crappy ! I guess I am in love with who he was and not who he is now. I know I hurt him, but that is no reason for him to continue in this manner. I honestly stay so confused it is scary. I have not really spoke to him unless spoken to for 3 days now. Of course he is all about control right now, so he never touches, hugs, kisses me at all, forget sex.....something he wanted all the time for years.....whatever I want, I will not get with him right now.....he thinks I have controlled US for years and now too bad.....he tells me he does not NEED or WANT anything from me except for me to love him.....what kind of comment is that? Remember this man is NO dummy, very intelligent, but stupid at the same time..... People often change, and unfortunetly sometimes for the worse. He has to hit rock bottom for him to change his life around and he's not going to anytime soon. You are not getting anything out of this marriage, and though he may say the words I love you, there is no substance behind it. Words become meaningless. Before leaving, take pictures/video of every room, mention the date in these videos. Just so that when you move out and he decides to trash it, you have proof this was because of him. You will find happiness again though right now it's impossible to believe. You need to give yourself that chance.
marlena Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 but of never being able to find someone I love as I do him again. Though a vey human reason to stay with someone, it is not necessarily the best. If that were the case, then, we'd all stay with abusers/liars/perverts/alcoholics/drug addicts/psychos etc... simply out of our own fear of never being in love again! Herein lies your issue. Explore its origins and repercussions in your life. One should strive for joy in love not misery. Better not in love at all than in love and suffering.
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