fantasyangel Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 I was in a year and a half long-distance relationship (we were in college together, but then he moved 1000 miles away after we started dating for a couple months). We saw each other a few times a year, but we fought a lot...he never wanted to talk to me and he would ditch me all the time to play video games and other "addicting" activities. It reached a point where I didn't even feel like I had a boyfriend because we spoke maybe a few minutes once every few days. He now admits that throughout our entire relationship he had treated me horribly...he lied to me and stole over $15K from me for online poker/gambling. He even went to jail because he stole money from a store, and he still hasn't gotten his college degree after he's "graduated" for two years because he's been procrastinating finishing the last class he needs. But I was too attached and "in love" to break up with him, so I tried to understand and forgive him. In the end what finally made us decide to break up was when I got a job and we realized we'd be apart for at least another year or two. After we broke up I felt good...like I was making a good decision for myself and that I could find someone who would treat me so much better. One of my guy friends and I got pretty close and we ended up cuddling in bed together and kissing sometimes. We might have started dating if it weren't for the fact that I had just broken up with my boyfriend and his ex was still attached to him also...very messy on both sides. The drama occurred when a group of "friends" started gossipping because one person mentioned they might've seen me and my guy friend kiss, and then from there on they made up more extravagant and untrue rumors about how we were having sex. I was so hurt and I lost a lot of friends because they all turned against us by making up stories and badmouthing me. Well, my (ex) boyfriend heard all these stories and was incredibly hurt, because he thought that we were going to get back together in a couple months. He jumped on a plane and flew all the way to where I was and he spilled all his feelings about how much he loved me and how he realizes that he was a horrible boyfriend and I deserved so much better. He said how he wants to change and be a better person. He's determined to finish up his last class so he can get his bachelor's degree. He's enrolling himself in the MBA program where he is. He's even been talking to me everyday and actually telling me how much he loves me and cares for me. These were all the things I wanted while we were going out...but now I don't know what to do because we're not together anymore. He wants to get back together but I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do. Also, I've been feeling guilt because he asked me for the truth, if I did anything with my guy friend. I told him no...I'm not sure if it's because I don't want to hurt him or if it's because I don't want to lose him. Part of me feels that we were and still are broken up so I don't know if I necessarily need to tell him what goes on with someone else. I think that lying is wrong...but I also don't want to lose him forever. I think I'm just very confused right now...after losing many people I once thought of as friends and moving to a new city where I don't know anyone.
malaclypse Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 My advice: Drop your boyfriend - he will revert back to his previous state soon enough.. And if 'your friends' reject you because of some sex-rumors, they were never really your friends anyway. A new city is a chance to start over, and get some good friends as opposed to game-addicted losers or worse.
torranceshipman Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 I agree sweetie, those people arent your friends! Find some nice, new ones who have your back and are caring, sweet people...and that ex of yours....you can do so much better. Stealing money to pay for gambling suggests a serious addiction which is a HUGE problem - he can't just 'change' like that even if he has the best intentions - its a big problem (an addiction) and those stay with a person forever...I'd worry a lot about his future behaviour. Why not tell him too much happened last time you were a couple, and if he is serious about you, to be good friends for a while and to prove to you he can be serious about finishin the bachelors, doing well on the MBA, not gambling, etc etc...
Author fantasyangel Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 Thanks for all the support. For the time being, I have expressed my feelings to him...that there has been too much that has happened, on both sides. The fact that I was emotionally involved with another guy is something he may never get over. He feels very hurt and betrayed...even though from my point of view we were broken up. And there's the fact that he lied and stole from me (among many other behaviors that would pretty much label him a horrible boyfriend) is something I MAY be able to forgive in the future, but that also depends on whether or not it becomes apparent that he's worth it. This is a huge issue, and I feel that if it ends up that I can find someone better who will make me happier...then there's no reason for me to forgive my ex. I didn't tell this to my ex though...it sounds a bit too harsh. And I don't know if it makes me a bad person to feel like I can get someone better...and if I can't then I'll see if I can make things with my ex work? I feel like I'm kind of using him as a backup in case I can't get anyone better...I'm not sure how I feel about this whole situation...very confused >.< I just told him we should take time to figure out both our lives and see what happens in the future...if we even end up in the same city. Ever since I've said this, he seems determined to show he's changed into an amazingly sweet and caring and romantic boyfriend. He talks to me on the phone so much now, he's enrolled in the MBA program, and he's quit gambling and smoking. He even talks about the dreams he has for us and all the romantic things he wants to do for me. I don't know what to think of this either...is this enough to show that he's changed?
BrianG Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 I can feel for this guy because I am working very hard to change things that led to the demise of my relationship to show myself and my exgf even though we are not on speaking terms that I am a person deserving of her love. He is taking a lot of positive steps in his life but it is up to you to decide on whether is enough to show that he has changed. As you know actions speak louder than words. Another thing I would suggest is not keeping him as a back-up. Even if he has done some horrible things in the past, its just that the past. You dont need to forget what he has done but use it as a guide to assess his future actions to see whether or not he has changed. Only you can forgive him if ever when your ready. If you love or care for this guy keeping him as a back-up will only end up hurting him more. I have learned its just best to be honest and let the chips (no pun intended) fall where they may.
Author fantasyangel Posted January 22, 2008 Author Posted January 22, 2008 Okay...he wants me to come visit for the weekend (Thursday night-Sunday night). He says he wants to do all the romantic things he never did and show me what a good caring boyfriend he can be. He says he has so many ideas and plans for when I come. Part of me thinks it's a bad idea because I don't know what I want...but the other part of me wants to see him and do all these romantic things too and see if we can "work it out". I don't know what to do or think. It sounds amazing and romantic but I get a bad feeling at the same time.
Albucosor Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 I would say don't go. He has personal problems he has to fix before he can get into a good relationship. Once he'll fix his problem, he'll have no problem finding a right girlfriend, because when we're ready we're ready. For now drop him and cut contact. It's better for him and better for you. You let him stole 15K and now you want him again in your life, to me this is relationship suicide. Let him go and be confident you'll be happy In the same time, focus on finding the partner you want. Start to define exactly what you want, and you'll have it after a while. Don't be afraid to be alone, this is the first step to finding the love you want. (Unless of course, you want a relationship with someone who is not ready yet to have a relationship) This is my opinion
sandflea Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 My advice: Drop your boyfriend - he will revert back to his previous state soon enough.. And if 'your friends' reject you because of some sex-rumors, they were never really your friends anyway. A new city is a chance to start over, and get some good friends as opposed to game-addicted losers or worse. Yep. This is good advice... Explore your world!
l0stMike Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 (edited) I can feel for this guy because I am working very hard to change things that led to the demise of my relationship to show myself and my exgf even though we are not on speaking terms that I am a person deserving of her love. He is taking a lot of positive steps in his life but it is up to you to decide on whether is enough to show that he has changed. As you know actions speak louder than words. Another thing I would suggest is not keeping him as a back-up. Even if he has done some horrible things in the past, its just that the past. You dont need to forget what he has done but use it as a guide to assess his future actions to see whether or not he has changed. Only you can forgive him if ever when your ready. If you love or care for this guy keeping him as a back-up will only end up hurting him more. I have learned its just best to be honest and let the chips (no pun intended) fall where they may. I can also attest to this situation. Everyone always says there are plenty of fish in the sea, but I personally think that quote is BS. If there is one person he wants to be with and even after a breakup, he fought to be with you again, maybe he realized that you really are the fish in the sea that he was looking for. If this guy really puts time, effort, and energy to getting you back, let him prove it to you. Then, if it really doesn't work out and you really see it going back into an old routine, you can axe it without any questions asked, because you gave him the shot that he wanted. Second chances, to me, are a sign of maturity and forgiveness. If he blows it again, it's not worth your time, and you'll know that. Some people just f*** up the first time around... Edited January 27, 2008 by l0stMike
sandflea Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 My buddy likes to say that the grass is always greener because of all the manure... LOL!
Author fantasyangel Posted January 30, 2008 Author Posted January 30, 2008 Well, after I thought about it for a long time I decided to go but still be cautious in the back of my mind. He really pulled out all the stops and became the boyfriend he "always wanted to be". He was very sweet and romantic, and confessed that no matter what happened he would always love me and he's never felt this way about anyone before. He really wants to get past all this and move forward. Start fresh...as if we're starting a new relationship. I told him I think we still need time to see where our lives are going. I think he understands, but right now he wants us to come clean with everything we've ever lied about. He's told me everything he's lied about...a lot of it hurtful but I know that if I really want to, I can forgive him. Now I'm debating on whether or not to tell him that I made out with my friend after we broke up. I know it'll hurt him a lot and there's a big possibility he'll never speak to me again (even though he says I can tell him the truth about anything). I'm really thinking about coming clean about it. I'm trying to be rational and I'm not getting back with him...I'm just thinking we can see where things go. And if there's any chance of us getting back together I think I owe him the truth?
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