4givrnt4gtr Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 Oh god....i feel like puking...... For some reason i decided to go to the site where I met my bf. We've been together for 7 months now...we're supposed to be dating exclusively now....I just went because...i dont know, really, i guess just wanted to reminece on what made me decide to go out with him.... Well, i went online, thinking I would find his profile the same way it was since we met...but is not... He changed his picture, which means he is still active on the site. I want to puke. The worst part is that he put a picture i had told him recently was really good and should put as his avatar in our chat.... I WANT TO PUKKKEE I dont know what to do...i really really dont know what to think. I mean.....what does that mean? is he still looking? why did he change his picture? should I confront him about it???? what do i do?!? God i really really wanted to believe in him.....please dont let him be the jerk he seems to be right now...pleaaaaseeee
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 Please someone help me....im in a lot of pain and I really really dont know know what to do Im about to call him and confront him...pleasr help me!!
Lee725 Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 ask him why... He could have the answer which will ease your thoughts. Only he can answer why... Tell him you were being nostalgic and thats why you were looking, see what he says.
allina Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 Yes you do have the right to confront him and you should. Don't accuse him or yell at him, but do explain that you saw the changes and that it was very upsetting to you. Is it strictly a dating site? Can you tell what date he updated information on?
Leoni Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 Is this a dating site? Edit - allina beat me to it.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 Yes it is a dating site...lavalife. I just texted him saying "nice lava pic". He immediately signed on to messenger. him: u saw my lava pic? me: yes me: when did u update it him: should be the same me: really? I dont remember seeing this one before him: which one is it? me: the same one as the one in the avatar here him: its an old pic me: hm i thought u had the one with ur blue sweater me: i cant remember him: oh ya... me: ? him: must have changed then me: lol u forgot u changed ur profile picture recently? him: not recently him: have not logged in for some time now me: Im sorry if i sounds a bit...off. I guess it took me by surprise to see u changed ur profile. I didnt think u were still using it him: i am not me: ok him: why do u think that me: well, why else would you have changed your picture? him: i must have done it while ago me: ok, good What do you guys think???? i kinda feel he felt caught....but at the same time nothing up until now has made me feel that he has cheated...... But still....the fact that he changed his profile AFTER we started dating (granted we were not official for a while) makes me a bit uneasy.....what do u guys think? (I cant tell when he updated the picture, but the rest of the info hasnt been updated in years)
allina Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 Yes it is a dating site...lavalife. I just texted him saying "nice lava pic". He immediately signed on to messenger. him: u saw my lava pic? me: yes me: when did u update it him: should be the same me: really? I dont remember seeing this one before him: which one is it? me: the same one as the one in the avatar here him: its an old pic me: hm i thought u had the one with ur blue sweater me: i cant remember him: oh ya... me: ? him: must have changed then me: lol u forgot u changed ur profile picture recently? him: not recently him: have not logged in for some time now me: Im sorry if i sounds a bit...off. I guess it took me by surprise to see u changed ur profile. I didnt think u were still using it him: i am not me: ok him: why do u think that me: well, why else would you have changed your picture? him: i must have done it while ago me: ok, good What do you guys think???? i kinda feel he felt caught....but at the same time nothing up until now has made me feel that he has cheated...... But still....the fact that he changed his profile AFTER we started dating (granted we were not official for a while) makes me a bit uneasy.....what do u guys think? I don't know, what do you think of his response? Personally I would not have approached it the way you did. So the site doesn't say what date he last updated it? Do you believe that he last updated a really long time ago and doesn't really remember?
marlena Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 Well, my ex pulled this number on me on the seven months mark as well. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. There were lots of other much more serious problems. When confronted with it, he said, I was being silly and that our relationship was not in any way threatened by his chatting and, yes, sending texts to people he met on line. That he still wanted to be with me! Yeah, sure, buddy!!! Next!! He still keeps in touch, calls,the occassional email and a Christmas card. I politely turn down all his attempts at rekindling any sort of connection. Although there have been times I wanted to succumb to his wiles, I stick to my guns and refuse all his overtures let's say. He's still on the site active every single day. He is addicted. He is a screwball who needs CONSTANT validation from women perhaps because deep down inside he knows he is a worthless piece of sh**! Yes, I would tell him. See what he says and more importantly see what he does. Whether you choose to continue seeing him or not depends on your own boundaries and what it is you want out of a relationship.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 I don't know, what do you think of his response? Personally I would not have approached it the way you did. So the site doesn't say what date he last updated it? Do you believe that he last updated a really long time ago and doesn't really remember? I dont know what to think....before this....i had no doubt in my mind that he really liked me....but now.... And the whole thing with having changed that picture a while back...what a coincidence that he changed it a long time ago to the same picture he and i both chose for his avatar a few weeks ago....very fishy. I dont know....I really dont know. I guess ill have to see. THe only thing that would make it alright is if he erases he account.... I just asked him what he was doing, he teasingly said "on lava, checking on you"....i had to assure him that wasnt the reason why I went on the site in the first place....but now i dont know how it all will go down.... I guess ill have to see
allina Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 I dont know what to think....before this....i had no doubt in my mind that he really liked me....but now.... And the whole thing with having changed that picture a while back...what a coincidence that he changed it a long time ago to the same picture he and i both chose for his avatar a few weeks ago....very fishy. I dont know....I really dont know. I guess ill have to see. THe only thing that would make it alright is if he erases he account.... I just asked him what he was doing, he teasingly said "on lava, checking on you"....i had to assure him that wasnt the reason why I went on the site in the first place....but now i dont know how it all will go down.... I guess ill have to see Do you know how long ago the picture in question was taken? Don't blame yourself for checking you did nothing wrong, he on the other hand may have. Do you think he's telling you the truth? I'm all for trusting your SO but if he did update his account on a dating site after he was your bf that IS an issue.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 Do you know how long ago the picture in question was taken? Don't blame yourself for checking you did nothing wrong, he on the other hand may have. Do you think he's telling you the truth? I'm all for trusting your SO but if he did update his account on a dating site after he was your bf that IS an issue. Well im not sure exactly when it was taken BUT when we started dating he gave me a bracelette and he has one that matches. He always ALWAYS wears it no matter what. In the picture he doesnt have the bracelette, so it makes me think it was before we met. We dated for a few months with the understanding that it was "casual" and that if either one wanted to date others it would be ok. I always said I wouldnt cuz I just dont do that, he always said he didnt have time nor energy to do it so neither of us ended up dating anyone else. In December we officially became bf/gf. If that picture was updated a few months back...say two or three months into our dating I wouldnt have THAT much of a problem, since i did agree to the casual status of our relationship. But if it was recent...thats a problem.... All i got now bassically is my choice to trust him or not. He already said it was updated a long time ago....The hard thing is that so far, until this he's been a really great guy. Sure I have issues once in a while...i question motives all the time due to really bad experience...but overall he has been a really great guy. Now i have to deal with the aftermath of my stroll down memory lane. Do i trust him and believe him? How is he going to act now, that he probably thinks im being controlling? Im afraid he's gonna pull back, fearful that im going to turn into this controlling psycho that checks up on him. Ugh....what a bad bad nite
allina Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 Well im not sure exactly when it was taken BUT when we started dating he gave me a bracelette and he has one that matches. He always ALWAYS wears it no matter what. In the picture he doesnt have the bracelette, so it makes me think it was before we met. We dated for a few months with the understanding that it was "casual" and that if either one wanted to date others it would be ok. I always said I wouldnt cuz I just dont do that, he always said he didnt have time nor energy to do it so neither of us ended up dating anyone else. In December we officially became bf/gf. If that picture was updated a few months back...say two or three months into our dating I wouldnt have THAT much of a problem, since i did agree to the casual status of our relationship. But if it was recent...thats a problem.... All i got now bassically is my choice to trust him or not. He already said it was updated a long time ago....The hard thing is that so far, until this he's been a really great guy. Sure I have issues once in a while...i question motives all the time due to really bad experience...but overall he has been a really great guy. Now i have to deal with the aftermath of my stroll down memory lane. Do i trust him and believe him? How is he going to act now, that he probably thinks im being controlling? Im afraid he's gonna pull back, fearful that im going to turn into this controlling psycho that checks up on him. Ugh....what a bad bad nite When you have a choice to make involving trusting your SO vs. not trusting them I always vote for trusting them if all other aspects of the relationship point that way. I think this will be okay. However this is sort of a bit deal and i'd say that next time you talk to him you should tell him something like "It upset me when I saw the updated picture on lava because it made me feel like you're still looking. If you say you last updated before we were official I believe you, I just want the truth." You're in no way psycho for this.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 THe only thing that would make it alright is if he erases he account.... Have you talked to him about this? He needs to know this. If he doesn't, he will keep his account up there and you will eventually have a blowout about it. What if you both deleted your accounts at the same time? I'm not sure why an exclusive bf/gf would need to have dating profiles up and active.
marlena Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 We did that..together. And then I found out he had started another account under another name with no picture this time. I won't go into the details about how I found out. I mean really who is to say fro sure that he isn't on other sites or have multiple profiles? Of course, things like this can't be hidden for long. Or can they? This is what I found to be so irksome about online dating. Most people get addicted to the attention and ego boost and just go back for more and more. They can't commit simply because they know there are plenty of other fish out there. And it's a well- known fact that dating sites are a magnet for players and married men. These are my conclusions for what they are worth.
Kamille Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 I'm totally with Allina and you on this one 4giving. You will have to chose, based on everything else in the relationship, whether or not you trust him. On another somewhat unrelated note... I'm wondering why so many of your conversations - even the important ones - happen by IM? Do you not live in the same city?
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 I'm totally with Allina and you on this one 4giving. You will have to chose, based on everything else in the relationship, whether or not you trust him. On another somewhat unrelated note... I'm wondering why so many of your conversations - even the important ones - happen by IM? Do you not live in the same city? WEll my first instinct is to shrug it off. I have no reasons to doubt him regarding cheating etc as he spends a lot of time with me and when he isnt I usually know where he is and with whom...but it does make me wonder why did he update the profile. It just irks me bc is the same picture I chose for his avatar a few weeks ago...yet he says he put it up a while back....just kinda too much of a coincidence, but i guess it could happen. Anyhow, we talk online so much because we usually talk when we are at work. I texted him last nite thinking he would see it this morning but apparently he was on the computer at that hour so he logged on. WE live about 30 minutes apart, so its not really convenient to drive out there or out here at the drop of a hat. My friend says i should give it a few days, see how i feel. If i feel i cant trust him...then i have to let him go. If somehow im ok with it after a while, and i believe him he isnt actively looking then...well i guess i continue, but with more caution.... Way to kill a good thing
tanbark813 Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 One thing I've learned over the years is that you should always do these confrontations in person so you can see their facial expressions and hear their tone of voice.
Star Gazer Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 Why is his profile even on lavalife right now to begin with? Why didn't he remove it? That's the more important question here...
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 Why is his profile even on lavalife right now to begin with? Why didn't he remove it? That's the more important question here... he's had it for a few years. He goes inactive when he's dating someone. I knew that cuz he told me when we started dating, thats why i even bothered looking him up, what i didnt think was that an "inactive" member would change his picture. Bottom line is that i dont believe he changed it a while back since it is the same picture i picked for his avatar not two weeks ago. And I dont know what to do about that or what does it mean. How can he be introducing me to his family, and still be looking on a dating site?? nothing makes sense right now....
Star Gazer Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 I don't buy it. I've been on dating sites before, and as soon as I'm in a relationship, my profile disappears COMPLETELY. Otherwise, I'd still be on the market.
underpants Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 It might be too late to do this, and it is sneaky. Someone I know had this issue with someone she dated, same sight even. She made up a different profile with a different picture. She may have contacted first with a wink or something. That guy contacted her and said he was single and wanted to meet. I had to hear all about it. She kept up the 'fake' romance up for a while and I think instead of confronting him she just wrote him off. On line dating scares me. I think Marlena said it best that for some it is a fantasy addiction. They compartmentalize it and justify the distraction as entertainment. Not realizing that it does hinder with a real life relationship to explore 'options' and to maintain other 'irons in the fire'.
marlena Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 I don't buy it. I've been on dating sites before, and as soon as I'm in a relationship, my profile disappears COMPLETELY. Otherwise, I'd still be on the market. Sorry, OP but I think Star is right. It's fishy! I also agree with Tan. This is something to be talked about face to face!
Cobra_X30 Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 It might be too late to do this, and it is sneaky. Someone I know had this issue with someone she dated, same sight even. She made up a different profile with a different picture. She may have contacted first with a wink or something. That guy contacted her and said he was single and wanted to meet. I had to hear all about it. She kept up the 'fake' romance up for a while and I think instead of confronting him she just wrote him off. On line dating scares me. I think Marlena said it best that for some it is a fantasy addiction. They compartmentalize it and justify the distraction as entertainment. Not realizing that it does hinder with a real life relationship to explore 'options' and to maintain other 'irons in the fire'. Unders! Your an evil genius. No it's never too late to take this approach. I would'nt pick a picture that is too pretty or professional. Also wouldnt fake it for too long. I mean really... how long does it take?
oppath Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 Also wouldnt fake it for too long. I mean really... how long does it take? It takes 1 week, 3 emails. However, she can't do this now after calling him on it, can she? She'd be better off having a friend with a legitimate profile do it. It does seem sketchy. I agree with Tanbark -- as I've learned this too from past relationships -- that it's best to do these things face to face. Two reasons: (1) so you can see their facial gestures and tone and (2) so they can see yours, and the pain you feel. If they are truly innocent, and they see real pain and concern in your face, then while it is possible they are a good liar, it is a little more difficult to sweep your emotions under the rug.
MakeLemonade Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 I would say deception used to uncover possible deception is equally wrong. Without any real proof, just a "maybe the picture was updated too recently" but all else is good and he has proven trustworthy so far might be worthy of a benefit of the doubt. At least for now. Also - I have never been on lavalife but doesn't it have something like yahoo or match where it TELLS you when the person was last active in their account? Those sites even let you sort matches by how active they have been. Anyway just a thought. I would also agree w/ some others here that once you are serious with someone the profiles should be gone, his and yours.
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