vcrandom42 Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 So, I SHOULDN'T have been looking, but I found out today that the Ex BF from 3.5 months ago is dating someone new. His status on Myspace changed from "Divorced" to "In a Relationship", and he deleted about half of the friends he had on there, who were mostly women (he gets a lot of flirtatious attention). His 'title' was changed to some song lyrics that have the woman's name in them, so that's how I knew it was official. It could be worse. This could have happened 2 weeks after the breakup and completely ripped my heart out. Part of me instantly started comparing myself to the new girl, wondering what's so great about HER that he's all of the sudden acting on the up-and-up by boldly taking himself off the market and announcing their relationship to the world, when I was the one who discovered he still had ads on Craigslist and Yahoo the entire last month we were together. (Friends say there's no guarantee he's changed his ways with the new chick, but still part of me is pessimistic and wonders if it was the fiasco with ME and getting caught that made him turn a new leaf). Of course, I freaked. Called in reinforcements (the best friends, via the phone, and locally) for advice. Rationally, I know he's an ex for a reason and what he does with his life is none of my business. Doesn't help that we work together and that he knows I'll be hurt by this new information. I cried on the phone and all my friends helped me realize I must not love myself enough, if my self-worth is based on what this guy thinks of me and whether or not I "won" in this situation. Anyway. It sucks to find it out but we all know it's inevitable, and now maybe it will give me the closure - that final kick in the butt - that I've been looking for. After all, the ball was in my court, he reached out (probably for ego-stroking) months after we broke up but I held my ground, not wanting to give in. But it's hard because likewise for my ego, it felt good to be missed, it was nice to hear from him, and I felt happy we were both in the same boat as far as talking to people in a casual way but not dating anybody else. But still, call me petty but it really *irks* me to see the b@stard happy!!
Lishy Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 Well you can always make yourself feel better to know that he will treat her the exact same way he treated you (I dont know why you split) People may change their partners but they do not change themselves as a rule!
Author vcrandom42 Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 Ok, all that rational talk from yesterday? Down the tube. Today I feel like 100% crap. Can't eat, which is normal for me in these situations. Went to work, so I'm able to function, but the whole time I was driving in my car I was dreaming up ways to kill myself. Objectively, I know how bad that sounds...but I just can't help it, I feel very close to worthless, like nobody will ever love me. Things ended because I found out he'd had personals on Craigslist (for NSA sex) and Yahoo (for a 'relationship') while we were together. What's worse is, he lied, especially about the Craigslist one, and said I was ridiculous for having looked in the first place. His tactic was "deny, deny, deny," even in the face of hard evidence...and even though he didn't make much of an effort to 'fix' things or get me back, he claimed the ads, put up for 'curiosity's sake,' wouldn't have amounted to anything. I've asked him repeatedly if it was a case where he wanted to break up w/me but did stuff on purpose to get me to leave him...and he said no. He claimed he'd been falling in love with me, that there was never a lack of anything, physically or emotionally speaking. We're both 28, but this man was my first (long story). Imagine how I felt when I discovered the Yahoo ad had been updated (with photos) FOUR DAYS after we "sealed the deal" so to speak. The whole thing f***ed with my head because he was SO reassuring, whenever I'd feel a little insecure about other women, etc...and SO (seemingly) loving and communicative...and because I don't have as much relationship experience all I needed was one decent one to put in my portfolio...something that, for once, wouldn't end in complete BS. You're right that people rarely change themselves overnight, but part of me wonders if he WILL be on his best behavior for this woman, because she's somehow BETTER. He took down all his personal ads one day in December and told me (in person) he was "focused on the right things now." So...it was ok for him to have ads up WHILE he was dating me, but a month after he'd been back on the market, he takes them down? Why didn't I get the same respect as this woman? Why didn't I deserve the truth?
mylovegrowsdeeper Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 Who says you didn't? Listen honey, here's some tough love. Listen to yourself. You're basing your entire SELF WORTH on the opinion of a man who WAS BEING A SCUZZ. However, let's say he's a great wonderful guy- why does your self worth calculate to be the total of what some guy thinks of you? You know, it's amazing how many relationship problems,issues, etc are with yourself and not your partner. I'll tell you what this relationship culture today is total bat**** crazy. You need to find some self worth outside of your relationships with men before you can even consider getting into a relationship with anyone or you'll never be in something happy,healthy, and stable. Quit worrying about who she is and take a look at yourself, do what you need to do to find something redeeming about yourself.
Author vcrandom42 Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 I appreciate the honesty. I've been hearing the same things from friends...and I realize you have to love yourself and be 'complete' before someone can love you. But it's easier said than done, and I don't know how to START. I thought I'd been making progress...this relationship was actually a step up for me, in some ways...I tried to fight the paranoia/jealousy, tried to deal with sh*t on my own instead of laying it all on my partner. I see the (assumed) happiness he has with this woman and even though she's 3 years younger I don't know what she's done in her life to become so self-actualized and happy. The same goes with anyone, since I'm not supposed to focus on HER...how does anybody go about digging themselves out of a slump? I'm already doing superficial things like going to the gym, expanding my social circle, etc. But short of paying someone $200/wk for professional help, I don't know what else to do. Self-help books and meditation only get you so far. I just don't know how one *can't* take it as a slap in the face when someone looks you in the eye and says "you're seeing the best version of me anyone has, and you make me not want to look at anyone else," and then you find out they were looking for others all along.
bloodaye Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 hey,im a dude,going thru a similar situation,not quite the same,but im sure we r both feeling the same agony.I was living with my ex for almost 2 yrs,she was infatuated with me,constantly buying me things,always complimenting me,was very affectionate ( almost too much),always talking about having kids with me,telling me im the most handsome and greatest guy shes ever known etc etc... the list goes on. Sure i enjoyed hearing all those things,i loved her also,but i am not as affectionate or as verbal with my emotions,why? i dunno,thats something i need to figure out.I will say this tho the more she did for me and the more she constantly complimented me and so forth the more it wierded me out,i just felt she went a little overboard with it all,sometimes less is more,it made me feel a little suspicious,like either she was screwing around on me,or she didnt really mean everything she said 100% and was doing these things to keep me around,cause she was very insecure.What im trying to get at is,i feel alot of guilt and and i miss her deeply now,cause i didnt reciprocate what she did for me,maybe cause i have my own insecurities,she up and left outta nowhere basically,now i would give anything to have that back.Its the guilt that haunts me the most,its agonizing,cause she was good very good to me,i was good to her also,but not on the same lvl.I feel guilt cause i know she tried real hard and i just maybe took it all for granted at the time,but sometimes i wonder,did i feel the way i felt at the time for a reason? Or was it just my lack in ability to open up as much as her,i will never know and im devastated.Today she texted me to go for coffee,i declined cause i really didnt feel like hearing about any of her exploits,i know it wuld have come up,i know shes seeing others,im just not in the frame of mind to hear about it,it hurts like hell, a part of me wanted to see her,but another part of me thought it was a bad idea
BrianG Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 Not sure if this helps, but i was guilty of a post on craigslist as well, but for me it was a matter of low self-esteem and it felt good for someone from the opposite sex to find me attractive and an ego boost. At the time i considered it harmless because it was an anonymous posting on an anonymous site. However, it was at a bad time in our relationship and the post did not help and I lied because I was scared to lose her (another wrong thing to do) and she broke up with me and I don't blame her for it. It was a poor way of dealing with my self-esteem and I know it was wrong and have found more appropriate ways of dealing with my low-self steem (granted the break up did not help much) since then through counseling and self reflection. I am very devastated by the break-up, but the pain of losing her has been a major motivator in changing my previous behaviour and actions. If its any consolation if he does not change anything he is bound to run into the same problem with this new girl.
Recommended Posts