nadiaj2727 Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 I'm sorry you are so sad Summer. In a way you can feel good that he told you this now instead of stringing you along for a long time like other MMs have done. Just imagine if he kept you waiting and hoping and then on May 22 he said "I don't know if I can do it, I need more time." Then he comes up with a new date and does it all over again. Like Mino said, it could happen again and again and again. So at least this is happening to you NOW, after 4 months, instead of after years. I know that feels like little comfort but it is some comfort to think of all the time and heartache he saved you by being honest now (although, yes, he never should have gotten involved with you in the first place and vice versa). So now you have to be kind to yourself, love yourself, and save YOURSELF your time and heart ache instead of letting him make all the decisions about your life. You don't want to go on for months and years loving this man who won't be with you, you have two daughters to concentrate on. So take this as a blessing. You tried to go after what your heart wanted, and it didn't work out unfortunately. So now go after what your brain knows to be true, based on what he told you. He can't leave to be with you, he is going to stay with his wife and kids and grandkids. You have that knowledge, so use it to your advantage. Say "Summer, this is the way it is. It is better to know now than years down the road." The knowledge will give you power. Best wishes.
Author Summer108 Posted March 21, 2008 Author Posted March 21, 2008 First of all, thank you everybody for your words of support. Well, I did it. After goveling like a fool for him to give "us" another chance - I asked him that if he thought he ever loved me, to give it another shot for a 2 month period and he said he just thought that was prolonging the pain because it wouldn't work out. I said "So are you saying NO?" and he said some other BS but would not say NO. He said he was sorry for hurting me. I said I was sorry we couldn't make it work. Then I said that I loved him but "This is Goodbye". I have cried and cried and now I'm just empty inside - there is this huge hole and I am just numb. I went to my office and collected my files from on top of my desk - when he shows up for work tomorrow he will see they are gone. I know he will call because the guilt is eating him alive as he knows what he's done to me. Where do I get the strengh not to take that call? I am filled with so many different emotions. I love him so much. We had so many great times together, such incredible lovemaking, I loved who I was when I was with him. I hate him for destroying my world. He promised me we'd start a life together - just last week! Now 5 days later he "cant see how it could ever work?" I feel like I don't know what is the truth and what is a lie. My whole sense of reality has been shattered. Did he ever love me? Did he ever mean what he said about wanting a future with me? Or did he just say it to keep me hanging on and then when things got "too complicated" (that is how he described our relationship today) he couldn't deal with it? My every waking moment for the last 4 months was wrapped up with thoughts of us. Where do i go from here? I can't sleep, I can't eat, I am physically ill over losing him. He says he values our friendship so much and would die if he ever lost that. Well when i pick my friends, i prefer the kind that don't make me cry myself to sleep. I am a wreck and I just don't know what to do from here. All I know is that I need to start nc tonight and I don't know where I will find the strengh to do this. I know this post has been all over the place - but so are my emotions right now. All I want is for the pain to go away.
TheRain Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 I love him so much. We had so many great times together, such incredible lovemaking, I loved who I was when I was with him. I hate him for destroying my world. He promised me we'd start a life together - just last week! Now 5 days later he "cant see how it could ever work?" Do you ever selfishlessly think about how his wife feels? How his family feels that you had sex with her husband, their father who is still married to their mother? Or, do you really not care, because it's all about you and how "incredible" the "lovemaking" is? Maybe everything he told is just his foreplay and he just see you as a younger piece of meat. Based on what you have written so far, it seems to me that, he is NOT going to give up his family, his wife, and his marriage just for some foreplay and some sex. Ofcourse, it would be nice to have something on the side, but he is not going to give up everyting just for that fun. Next time, have some self respect and don't have sex with a married man, because some day you will wake up and you will be ashamed and embarrased of yourself. Right now, I bet you don't even like yourself or what you have done, do you?
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 Did he ever love me? Did he ever mean what he said about wanting a future with me? You came on stronger than he anticipated, and unfortunately he enabled it by saying things to make you come on even stronger. Bottom line? Your fantasy become a threat to his reality, and he backed out. I think at the time he said those things he probably thought he did mean them, but people will say a good deal of things in the heat of the moment when they are thinking with their heart (or their genitals) and not their head. The heart (and especially the genitals) tend to be unrealistic, and the head steps in to clear things up. You are lucky that he did this now and not a year from now, or five, or ten... Leave him be. Do not call him. Do not email him. Do not be his 'friend' - that will do nothing but hurt you worse, as it isn't really 'friends' that you want. It will be like sitting outside of a restaurant enjoying the smell and starving when you really want to be inside eating.
John Who Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 You can stay having a affair with MM and continue to cry every night because he will continue to go home to his other life. Or you can end the affair with your M guy,I know that will be hard but I think it will be easier to end a A that just started rather than staying in a affair for yrs which most likely this is where your A is headed towards. He is hinting to you that he will not leave his wife,and at the same time he is feeding you his lines.He is feeding you these lines so you can feel special and he can continue to have his way with you.
John Who Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 Yes things got to complicated for him,he did'nt think you would get attached and fall for him so fast.I'm sure that scared the sh-t out of him. I guess he was not looking for someone to get attached to him,he was looking for a no strings attached kind of thing. I know you are wondering well why did he have to lie to me,sorry to say this but the sweet talk was just part of his game and it worked only it worked to damn good,because you started to have feelings towards him. It's a good thing all this came out in the open so soon,some ow/om wait yrs until they see that the A is going no where.
Author Summer108 Posted March 21, 2008 Author Posted March 21, 2008 Do you ever selfishlessly think about how his wife feels? How his family feels that you had sex with her husband, their father who is still married to their mother? Or, do you really not care, because it's all about you and how "incredible" the "lovemaking" is? Maybe everything he told is just his foreplay and he just see you as a younger piece of meat. Based on what you have written so far, it seems to me that, he is NOT going to give up his family, his wife, and his marriage just for some foreplay and some sex. Ofcourse, it would be nice to have something on the side, but he is not going to give up everyting just for that fun. Next time, have some self respect and don't have sex with a married man, because some day you will wake up and you will be ashamed and embarrased of yourself. Right now, I bet you don't even like yourself or what you have done, do you? Rain, thank you for your "kind" words of "support". I have checked out your stats and see all of your posts are not an attempt to understand, console, empathize or help, what this site was designed for, but instead to chastize people in a condscending manner. I also see you have no threads of your own you want to share? My guess is you at some point have been the betrayed party and you are out to bash others to fill some personal need. I don't believe your are in the right forum.
Owl Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 Summer... He has obviously made his choice...and that was his wife and his marriage. Anything from this point on needs to take that choice into consideration. I think what you should do is to go NC...on YOUR terms. Break everything off with him, right now. Make it impossible for him to contact you...change phone numbers/email addresses/IM accounts/whatever. You won't be able to "go back" to just being friends after this. You'll still have feelings, the affair will likely resume, or be discovered by his wife... End the relationship with him ON YOUR side of things. Don't leave a door open. It'll hurt, but its the best way to get through this as quickly as possible. Just remember...he's already made his choice. So now, live YOUR life...and he'll go live his.
stillafool Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 First of all, thank you everybody for your words of support. Well, I did it. After goveling like a fool for him to give "us" another chance - I asked him that if he thought he ever loved me, to give it another shot for a 2 month period and he said he just thought that was prolonging the pain because it wouldn't work out. I said "So are you saying NO?" and he said some other BS but would not say NO. He said he was sorry for hurting me. I said I was sorry we couldn't make it work. Then I said that I loved him but "This is Goodbye". I have cried and cried and now I'm just empty inside - there is this huge hole and I am just numb. I went to my office and collected my files from on top of my desk - when he shows up for work tomorrow he will see they are gone. I know he will call because the guilt is eating him alive as he knows what he's done to me. Where do I get the strengh not to take that call? I am filled with so many different emotions. I love him so much. We had so many great times together, such incredible lovemaking, I loved who I was when I was with him. I hate him for destroying my world. He promised me we'd start a life together - just last week! Now 5 days later he "cant see how it could ever work?" I feel like I don't know what is the truth and what is a lie. My whole sense of reality has been shattered. Did he ever love me? Did he ever mean what he said about wanting a future with me? Or did he just say it to keep me hanging on and then when things got "too complicated" (that is how he described our relationship today) he couldn't deal with it? My every waking moment for the last 4 months was wrapped up with thoughts of us. Where do i go from here? I can't sleep, I can't eat, I am physically ill over losing him. He says he values our friendship so much and would die if he ever lost that. Well when i pick my friends, i prefer the kind that don't make me cry myself to sleep. I am a wreck and I just don't know what to do from here. All I know is that I need to start nc tonight and I don't know where I will find the strengh to do this. I know this post has been all over the place - but so are my emotions right now. All I want is for the pain to go away. I imagine that while he was sick for 5 days his wife took care of him giving him the attention from her he's been craving. It gave him a chance to reflect and realize he couldn't give her up and all their history. One thing about this guy he has tried to be honest with you from the beginning by telling you he probably would not leave his wife. I personally don't know that I could know after 4 months with someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with them. Even if the guy was single I would feel it was too soon to talk about marriage and such. But, especially with this guy being married I don't understand why you are putting pressure on him to leave his w and be with you (after only 4 months). I think he may have told you that you two would be together to smooth things out with you so your dates would be more enjoyable. (Oh, I'm sure he cares about you but not in love the way you are.) If you two are constantly fighting about whether he is going to leave her or not; you MM won't get what he wants from your affair. So sometimes it's easier to lie than to fight. How many men have said "I love you" to a woman to get what he wants? It's good you are working from home now so you can start to heal. You have to accept your responsiblity in this affair as well. You knew he was married and he did tell you he probably wouldn't leave his wife. You aren't the first person to make a mistake. Your dating experience may not have started out so good but I promise you there are tons of good men out there. Be thankful this man is letting you go now after only 4 months instead of 4 years from now.
Author Summer108 Posted March 21, 2008 Author Posted March 21, 2008 Summer... I think what you should do is to go NC...on YOUR terms. Break everything off with him, right now. Make it impossible for him to contact you...change phone numbers/email addresses/IM accounts/whatever. You won't be able to "go back" to just being friends after this. You'll still have feelings, the affair will likely resume, or be discovered by his wife... End the relationship with him ON YOUR side of things. Don't leave a door open. It'll hurt, but its the best way to get through this as quickly as possible. Just remember...he's already made his choice. So now, live YOUR life...and he'll go live his. I'm not sure exactly how to do NC. He works in the same office as me. His office is 3 doors down from me. We are independent agents and I can come and go as I please, but we are bound to see one another. I could switch to another office within the company but I am partners with my parents who know nothing of the situation (they also work in our office). I don't know if he would be willing to switch offices. He also works with his son (in the same office) so its just a big mess. I am so upset I can't even get out of bed. I miss him so much and I just saw him when we ended it yesterday. I wish I knew how long it was going to feel like this.
Owl Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 Please realize I'm NOT bashing you at all...but honestly, you're probably going to stay feeling like this for as long as the two of you work together. I'm not sure what to do otherwise, friend.
TheRain Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 My guess is you at some point have been the betrayed party and you are out to bash others to fill some personal need. I don't believe your are in the right forum. No, I am not a betrayed spouse. Does that give me more credibility? It seems like your avoiding my points. You still have not answer my questions.
whichwayisup Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 My every waking moment for the last 4 months was wrapped up with thoughts of us. I'm not sure if he can throw away his marriage, everything he has worked hard for (that kind of is stupid seeing as he is/was having an affair with you, therefore putting himself in a situation where he has created his own mess, and having to make a choice) and give all that up after 4 months of being in an affair with you. Obviously you two shared something, otherwise he wouldn't have started the A in the first place...I'm sure he hates hurting you, but he has changed his mind and realized what he wants. I'm not sure exactly how to do NC. He works in the same office as me. His office is 3 doors down from me. We are independent agents and I can come and go as I please, but we are bound to see one another. I could switch to another office within the company but I am partners with my parents who know nothing of the situation (they also work in our office). I don't know if he would be willing to switch offices. He also works with his son (in the same office) so its just a big mess. Then switch offices, it will be easier on you. Yes, it IS a big mess but you two created this mess together, so now both of you have to deal with the consquences. Sorry to sound harsh there, but that's the truth. If you can't handle even being in the same place as him, then think about finding another job. I have to say, he's really stupid to be having an affair, even MORE so since his own son works there as well. Your MM has some pretty big balls..
whichwayisup Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 I wish I knew how long it was going to feel like this. Probably for a while. Like any other break up. I'm sure if he wasn't married and things were different he'd be your boyfriend...It's just the whole thing comes down to he IS married and has changed his mind about the A. Try to keep as busy as possible, grieve when you need to, and everyday do something special for you. Whether it be shopping, or eating a favourite meal, spending time with family and good friends - Focus on the other good stuff in your life. You were OK without him before you two had the affair, and you WILL be OK again without him. It's a loss and a painful one, but you will get through this. You have no choice really..
SerenityX2 Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 Summer... Please see my posts to Findingmyway and hope4us (although I just sort of butted in on that one...some have found my input useful ) I think you may be in a place right now to find my advice useful...but maybe not. You will get out of this darkness...there's a reason though....be strong and take from it what you have learned and build from there. It does suck to be in a place of pain...you just wish you could speed the clock up.....you know the expression...that which does not kill us...and healing takes time it's just a fact of this life...take that time to heal so you can be whole again...and you will be. I'm not sure it would have made a diff if you would have met if he was single...so I wouldn't dwell on that (not that it matters) He sounds like a guy with lousy character (please don't paint him to be confused etc..we have choices...he knew what he was doing and really good people don't do that)...keep telling yourself that when you feel down and keep repeating you are worth so much more...and you will find it. It may not be in your exact time frame (as I've learned to point out ) but there is light at the end of this tunnel...BELIEVE and have faith. Peace
Author Summer108 Posted March 24, 2008 Author Posted March 24, 2008 Thank you everybody, for your kind words of support and insight into my situation I've gotten myself into. Your support has given me a little bit of comfort but it still hurts like a bitch! I saw him at work on Friday and I could tell just by looking at him he was a mess. He acted very concerned about how I was doing, even came into my office and started rubbing my back. I am weak. When he told me he was doing horrible, I said maybe we could talk on Sunday. He said he would like that - he'd call me to confirm it on Saturday. He called as he said he would and asked if we could do it Monday morning instead - too busy with "family Easter stuff". I am so mad at myself for allowing him to continue to put me in second place... again. So anyways, we are meeting tomorrow to talk and I swear if we cannot work it out tomorrow I am done. I know what you all must be thinking but I am the first one to admit it, I KNOW I should be taking your advice and going NC but I can't do it - I'm not that strong and he has this magical power over me. I pray that I can change that.
Starla Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 hi summer. i'm sorry you're going through this - your story could be mine, except i have no children and have never been married. i was an OW to a man i also worked with, and i truly believed i was in love with him, but eventually, my logic and my concern for my mental health and my own ambition for my future (i want a man who is free to love only me) made me face some pretty harsh truths, and make the decision to end the A. but...i see him as my friend - i agree wholeheartedly that NC is best, but we work together still, and i do want him as my friend, but if i feel this is in any way damaging to me, then the job section of the paper will be my first port of call!!!! try not to put so much pressure on yourself, love. you seem to be tearing your hair out - if you are not ready, and not in the right frame of mind, to make difficult decisions, then give yourself a little time, and some space away from him. the secrecy, the concern for your children, the anxiety of having an A...all these things are bound to confuse and unsettle you. i think you must know he has made up his mind to stay with his W, and somehow you will have to free yourself. but be gentle on yourself while you go through that process - find new focus, talk things through with a trusted counselor or friend, and try to find the strength to move on.
Recommended Posts