iwoulddie4u Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 How in the world do I manage NC with 3 kids?? I see her 4 times a month for custody exchanges. We have to discuss the kids from time to time. The kids constantly tell me about her life, boyfriend etc. NC doesn't seem possible when children are involved. It's like constanly picking a scab off a wound. Unwanted divorce, when your children are involved, breaks your heart on two different levels. And you are expected to still be a dad while you are grieving your ex-wife. Though I am much better off now than 4 months ago, that was a cold, dark, lonely place. Necessary NC makes full healing seem impossible...Sigh
blind_otter Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 In this case you would rely on "limited contact" -- where you only have contact where the children are concerned.
kirikat Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 As one who has been there - no, healing is possible. Its just a whole lot more work. I just posted a long post about this on another thread... The thing is, with children, your goals are different, because you and your ex are family until the day you die. You need to approach this as best you can as a family issue rather than a romantic issue. Within a family, things change (kids grow, they go to school, people move - ) - and you do your best to maintain family cohesion thoughout these changes and upsets. In a way, you are kind of blessed. Though this is hard, you have a worthier goal than just forgetting and moving on. Your goal is to find a way to create a healthy and loving relationship with your ex - and that should be your focus. You need to find a way to be successfully divorced, while still maintaining close familial ties. You have to chose love, and over time, I think that this is a whole lot better - and in some ways less painful - than choosing to surgically remove someone from your soul. If you can, please persuade your ex to do counselling with you. Try and learn to be a successfully divorced couple. The kids see and feel the anger and pain when the contact is only about the exchange of custody - they end up feeling like a sack of potatoes being thrown around. Plus, they end up being used to punish the other parent in a subconcious passive aggressive game played between the adults - In the best of all worlds, the coping that needs to be done to bring about healing should be done together - its a family issue, she is your family, and if you can work together on this, the outcome will be a whole lot stronger, but its almost impossible to do this without a third party. Please, try and seek family counselling. Most people dont do this because most divorced couples choose to cope as if they were ending a romantic affair rather than renegotiating a family relationship. Best of luck to you, and I am so sorry for your loss. I can tell you one thing.... if you do it right, it will get better and someday you and your ex can once again be good, loving friends.
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