Author kle Posted January 16, 2008 Author Posted January 16, 2008 Okay, this one just erked me! He gave me an apple macbook they had as an extra at his office and said I could keep it, he also loaded Illustrator and other stuff on it for my pending business I'm starting. I just sent all my savings off to the manufacturer of my products, which he knows. He sends me a message saying they need the laptop at the office during the week, but that he wants me to be able to use it on the weekends so "please promise me you'll come back and get it on Friday." Oh, how nice of him! I view this as a tactic to see me twice a week, to drop it off and pick it up. I'm having my friend bring the laptop to his work tomorrow (though, he's expecting me), and I'm just going to have to finance one. Whatever, @sshole! I'll out smart him at this one. I'm not going to be under his thumb for a computer. I know for a fact he does not need it at work, and it's like he's trying to come off nice by "letting me use it on the weekends," when really, this is something he's doing to benefit himself!
Lishy Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 JUst send him a message back saying that as you were bringing the laptop down the stairs to bring to him, you fell and it has broken into a thousand pieces! Joking! Give it back to the control freak and then change your number!
littlekitty Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 JUst send him a message back saying that as you were bringing the laptop down the stairs to bring to him, you fell and it has broken into a thousand pieces! Joking! Give it back to the control freak and then change your number! Mind you, changing your number might not be a bad idea. He's likely to keep hassling you for a while, given his past behaviour. Well done for staying strong though. Don't let him break you down.
Author kle Posted January 16, 2008 Author Posted January 16, 2008 Now the dramatics are starting. He has called me 15 times already this morning and I've gotten the following text msgs: 8:04 - "really, you won't speak to me?" 8:06 - "when you were at the Grapevine with Lisa and Kelly, I was afraid. But, I left you alone." 8:07 - "In retrospect, I guess you were planning this all along." 8:12 - "I am deeply hurt that you will not speak to me. Truly, I am devastated." 8:16 - "You really can't pick up the phone for 5 minutes?" 8:18 - "Are you telling me that you won't speak to me again? Can't you tell me something?" 8:21 - "Please. Anything. Do I send you an email? Call tomorrow? Please." 8:23 - "Please talk to me. Anything." 8:26 - "Please call. I will be very nice, understanding, and positive. I promise." 9:19 - "Please?" 9:32 - "I am concerned that tomorrow will come and go and still you won't speak to me. Please don't fear our conversation." 9:46 - "Okay, in the absence of a response, I will just hope that you call. Please." And just called again as I'm tying this. I can't turn my phone off because it's my work cell. It's driving me nuts.
Lishy Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 Oh sh*t babe this is bad - Do you have a phone that can block numbers? If so then do it! Another idea is that if it is a work phone then get someone else to answer it and say it is no longer your phone? You really must not reply but I bet you are getting worried and stressed. This guy is nuts!
Tripper Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 Good Lord!!! This guy is nutz!! He just doesn't get it! For your sake be strong!! You definitely don't need this kind of drama in your life.
StartingOver07 Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 My guy did this. When we broke up, I would have 9, 11, 13 missed calls on my phone. He stil calls (one month later) but less often. I think your guy sounds abusive more than anything. I am referring to verbal/emotional abuse, not physical. But... it doesn't matter what his diagnosis is. It matters only that you can be strong eough not to succumb to his pleas for further contact (and empty promises of change).
Author kle Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 35 text messages today, and 27 missed calls. Then, he showed up at my house. I guess I knew at some point that was probably going to happen. Based on my letter, he did a good job of not crying or pleading. He kept asking me if there was ever a chance for us again, or if I was willing to even consider it. I said "look, I'm not going to talk to you about how I'm feeling or how you are feeling right now. It's always been counter-productive and I assume it will be now too. I meant the things I said in the letter and I am not happy. I think you have a lot of things to work on that you can't work on yourself. I will go see your counselor with you, but it's not to work on us, it's in hopes of helping you as a friend. The only communication I want to have with you about our relationship is through your counselor." He agreed to that and just asked me over and over to try to open my heart up to giving it another chance and to remember back when things were really good with us and try to hold out some hope. I just smiled and said "There is no hope in me right now, and there won't be for a while, if ever. I will let you know where I'm at with things at each counseling session." I was firm, and I know he's taking it hard. He said "You are very resolute about this, and it scares the hell out of me. I know you have had enough, and I'm sorry it's taken us getting to this point for me to understand that we need to go to counseling together." I then asked him to leave, and he did respect that. I also asked him to continue to give me space, and the next time I wanted to talk to him would have to be at the counselor office. Maybe I appear weak this way, but I felt like I was being strong. I am in no way making efforts to get back together with him, but I guess one of my weak points is caring and I want him to better himself. If it's really some kind of disorder (narcissism, emotionally unstable, borderline personality), I want to act as a friend and help him in getting the help he needs. Thoughts?
Author kle Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 So, I saw my counselor today and it was such a great session. We talked about by ex's behaviors and she said it sounds like he could have a combination of 3 things going: Narcisissm, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Histrionic Personality Disorder. She actually stood up and gave me a hug for how I handled everything yesterday and said it was great that I set boundaries and gave a consequence. She loved that I told him I'd only discuss things at his counselor's office. I do care about this man, and I know he has a lot to work through. If he does have these disorders, I hope he can get the help he needs. I know I may never choose to be with him again, but I view what I am doing right now as tough love... helping him get the help he needs. My counselor (she's a psychotherapist actually), said that personality disorders are extremely hard to change and sometimes can't be changed since they are so embedded in people's personalities. But, she thinks these people can be helped to some level. She also told me it was good that I'm in the mind frame of probably never being with him again. You know, I have Post Traumatic Stress disorder (not too bad at all now, but very bad as a child), and Dissociative Amnesia (again, as a child). What if the people that cared about me hadn't made the choice to get me help, and not be there for me? I view it that way. We can't help what life throws at us sometimes, but we can try to help the people we care about.
Tripper Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Bravo!!! Kudos to you for handling it the way you did.
Mistaken Identity Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 I think you're handling it well, too. You're a wonderful person to worry about this guy. However, don't feel responsible for his mental health. My ex is a paranoid schizophrenic. I can't tell you how much time I spent cajoling him into getting medication, sitting in crisis centers for hours, etc. For eight years, my health and happiness were sacrificed for his. (I'm overweight and on anti-depressants now.) But no matter how much I did, in his eyes, it was never enough. And where is he now? Off medication and out of town. No contact with our daughter. No gratitude. No support. Nevertheless, it is only now that I feel like I can finally let go and live again. Beware.
Author kle Posted January 19, 2008 Author Posted January 19, 2008 Well, this has come to a point I really wasn't prepared for. He is talking very suicidal. I called his brother last night, who is a doctor, and now has him on depression medication. He is truly a disaster, and I woke up this morning in an utter panic when I saw he had been calling me since 1:00a.m. with very dark thought messages. Maybe I'm a glutten for punishment, I don't know. I care about this person a great deal, and now I'm in a bad position of trying to get over him, and worry about him at the same time. I know that doesn't work. I am going to see the counselor with him on Thursday, and he admitted to not telling the counselor about a lot of things I deem very important information. Thing is, I have to hang in there for him until he gets to that counseling appointment and I can help him get the help he needs. God forbid he ever do something to end his life. The guilt would eat me up forever. He's got 2 wonderful children and for his sake, and theirs, I feel like I have to do this. My god, it's very hard though!!!!!!!!!!!!! I do know that I cannot be with this person. I am very sure of that now. I know I will be able to move on. I have appreciated everyone's help. I'm sure you'll be hearing more from me.
Mistaken Identity Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 If you read my earlier post, you'll see that I predicted he would threaten suicide. You are being manipulated.
jcster Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 God forbid he ever do something to end his life. The guilt would eat me up forever. He's got 2 wonderful children and for his sake, and theirs, I feel like I have to do this. My god, it's very hard though!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why in the world would you feel guilty? You have no control over what this guy does. If you have no control, then you have no responsibilty. He's a grown man, even though he is acting like a 3 year old. Please, continue to stick to your previously stated boundaries. If you read my earlier post, you'll see that I predicted he would threaten suicide. You are being manipulated. You are definitely being manipulated. Please try and generate some good old fashioned self-protective anger here. Despite what you might feel for this guy, it's obvious he doesn't feel the same way about you. What an appalling situation.
Author kle Posted January 20, 2008 Author Posted January 20, 2008 I went to this social engagement on Friday night for young professionals in my city. I actually met someone and have a dinner date tonight. I guess that is promising I'm looking forward to it. I told my ex that I have a date and am hoping he understands though I am willing to help him out, I am also moving on. I know in order to make a new relationship work, I will have to completely cut that off. But, my hopes are that Thursday at the counseling appointment I will see him getting the help he needs and move on. I know he will still try to manipulate, but I do recognize it. Anyway, it's just a dinner date, but I really am looking forward to it!
sunshinegirl Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 kle, please reconsider attending counseling with him. He has to work out his issues HIMSELF. They are not your issues. If you continue to have any kind of contact with him, he will keep you embroiled in his drama. Indefinitely. You think he's going to react well to you having a date with someone else? You're not being realistic here. Please extricate yourself from this guy altogether. Completely. Change your number. Move if you have to. Get a restraining order. Make sure his brother and other people understand the seriousness of his situation, and then STOP letting him manipulate you with his suicide talk. If he's serious about it, let others in his life help him. YOU need to get out. Completely.
Recommended Posts