kle Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 I believe my soon to be ex-boyfriend is a narcissist. To explain some of his behavior, he was so charming and attentive at the beginning, told me how his ex-wife never showed him any love or affection and seemed in such need of love, yet had a very outgoing personality and tons of friends. After a few months of dating, I started catching him in all kinds of lies, small and big. I found out he had been talking to another woman. He would cry, literally bawl, and beg for me to give him another chance and that he loved me so much. I gave another chance, then another chance, and so on. He started to become so emotionally distant. When I would bring up concerns about the relationship he would make these promises of putting in more effort, and the next day it was like the conversation never happened. If he called me, and I didn't answer or call him back RIGHT AWAY, I would end up having 5 missed calls from him on my phone and maybe 2 or 3 text messages asking me why I'm ignoring him. One day he didn't talk to me or take my calls for an entire day, which really hurt my feelings by the way, so the next day we broke up. He seemed to understand the reasons for the break up, and almost like he wanted it. Then, 5 minutes after I left the phone calls and text messages started. I got 27 text messages from him in an hour when I was sitting having drinks with a couple of my girlfriends. They thought it was insane. He was texting me telling me that he had blacked out and fallen down the stairs. Then said "I'm scared of the darkness, please help." and totally random things like that. Again, I gave him another chance. Stupid I know! Now, I've just had it! One day he tells me how much he loves me, and the next you wouldn't even know he thought of me as a friend. He cries more than I've ever seen any man cry. He is seeing a counselor, but can he totally fool the counselor into thinking nothing is wrong with him? He's been going for 6 months now and I've never seen any improvement. I've never been treated like this before, and it's just been so emotionally draining. He's been out of town and gets back tomorrow, and I am ending this for good. I just can't take it anymore!!!!!
Tripper Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Run, don't walk, as fast as you can away from this guy. You do not need this kind of drama. He sounds like a manipulator of the ultimate degree. Do not play his game... get outta there..!!!
Author kle Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 What if he says something like we can go to counseling together? Does this relationship sound doomed no matter what? It's so hard to forget those first great months, but they also say you see someone's true colors after the first few months.
Tripper Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 What if he says something like we can go to counseling together? Does this relationship sound doomed no matter what? It's so hard to forget those first great months, but they also say you see someone's true colors after the first few months. From your original post: He is seeing a counselor, but can he totally fool the counselor into thinking nothing is wrong with him? He's been going for 6 months now and I've never seen any improvement. Do you think couples counseling would be any different?? Once the rosy, honeymoon stage of the first few months is over, I must agree you begin to see more deeper into the persons character and persona. Do you really want to go through this?? I mean, c'mon, texting you he fell down the stairs and is afraid of the dark... PUHLEEZE!!! This is not a sign of maturity or even stability. Don't you think you deserve better than this???
Author kle Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 Yes, I absolutely do! I am pasting a letter below that I left at his house over lunch. I can always go grab it and write a new one, but I wanted you take on it: [FONT=Comic Sans MS][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS] [/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]I have not been happy for quite some time now and want to live for the moment, not for the unknown future which doesn’t seem very promising. You haven’t been able to give me what I need, and I have felt held back in this relationship to love you the way I wanted to. I just don’t feel, in our current places in life, that we are compatible. I also feel that you have been quite hard on me lately, going from one extreme to the other with emotions, which feels like a cruel game. One minute I’m suffocating you, the next you are crying telling me how much you love me and talking about marriage and babies. I can’t grow in a relationship that is so on and off this way. My feelings have been so mixed and inconsistent for the past few months, and I believe that’s because your words have been so contradicted by your actions. You are so sensitive about anyone trying to control you that you didn’t see the good and honest person standing in front of you that had no other intentions but to love you. I should have known months ago, when you said you didn’t know if you were capable of loving someone, to walk away. I should have known after the pregnancy, I should have known after the emails to other women, I should have known after all the broken promises, I should have known after the lies, and I certainly should have known after all the inconsistencies in the relationship. You break up with me, and then text me like twenty some times that night telling me how scared you are and want me back. I certainly should have known then. For that, I am sorry. I could have saved us both a lot of time and energy by walking away long ago. I was a fool to think, or hope, that is was just going to get better. It’s been too much drama, too much passive-aggressive communication, too many untruths, and too much hurt. I am a very caring and loving person who enjoys life and likes to have fun. I value equality and honesty in relationships. I also try to see the brighter side of things. You told me you loved me so quickly, started talking about getting married so early on, and making big plans and promises for the future. I was naïve. I don’t even recognize you now from the Tom I met a year ago. I don’t want to hurt you, but I have to get off this emotional roller-coaster and stop putting myself in a position to get hurt. I might not be very “well-educated,” but I’m certainly smarter than that. When two of your friends recently made comments about things involving you I finally realized the problem really wasn’t me. And for the record, when you said you would never meet anyone as good as me… you were right! [/FONT][FONT=Wingdings][FONT=Wingdings]J[/FONT][/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS] I’ve been patient, kind, sweet, understanding and forgiving to the best of my ability under the circumstances. I am, in no way, a smothering or controlling person. Healthy relationships require trust, love, affection, compromise and commitment. I have felt, for the most part, none of these from you. Relationships are always intoxicating and exciting at the beginning, but they change, and usually grow into something even more special. It takes a lot of care to make that happen. I have this horrible feeling that when you met me you saw me as a vulnerable person and took advantage of that. I have never been someone who needs to be saved, and am quite independent. In some ways you have been a very good friend. I have appreciated your support with my pending business as you have been great with that. I am proud of the hard work you have put into starting a business of your own. I know you will be successful. I hope you find yourself in a happy place emotionally so you can get all the things you deserve. I will always consider you a friend. [/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS] [/FONT]
shockandawed Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Hi Kle, I am in total agreement that you need to get out of the relationship ASAP...this guy has some serious issues and you can't fix them. I am not crazy about the letter however. I don't feel the need for a full scale production to be made about breaking up. I am sure 100% of what you wrote is true and he deserves to be told it. What this does though is give him many points to argue and question you about. In other words, drags the break up much too long. OK, you didn't like it when I sent you 27 text? I won't do that again..... See my point. I would favor a much more brief and to the point letter.... Dear Man, It is apparent our relationship is no longer productive and I no longer wish to be a part of it. It is time I move along. I will always cherish the memories and wish you nothing but good luck in all your future endeavors. KLE
BUENG1 Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 I agree with the above poster, don't give him an excuse to keep harassing you. Just tell him its over and you wish him the best.
Tripper Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 You might not be “well-educated,” as you put it but you write very well and get your points across. I think your letter is fine. Don't let any negative reaction on his part or pleading etc. sway you. You know what you want in a relationship and he's not giving it. Time to move forward...
Leoni Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Whatever he is, he's not a narcissist. Try Borderline Personality Disorder. http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/borderline-personality-disorder.shtml As far as sending out a final letter, I wouldn't do it or offer friendship. It only keeps the connection alive and drags it on. End it with one final phone call then, if he refuses to stop, get call block or learn to ignore his communications.
D-Lish Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 [FONT=Arial Unicode MS][sIZE=3]An all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts. Five (or more) of the following criteria must be met: [/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Arial Unicode MS][sIZE=3] 1. Feels grandiose and self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents to the point of lying, demands to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements.) 2. Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion 3. Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions) 4. Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation - or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (narcissistic supply) 5. Feels entitled. Expects unreasonable or special and favourable priority treatment. 6. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her expectations Is "interpersonally exploitative", i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends 7. Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with or acknowledge the feelings and needs of others 8. Constantly envious of others or believes that they feel the same about him or her 9. Arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes coupled with rage when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted [/sIZE][/FONT]
Author kle Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 I really appreciate all the replys! I know you are all right! I have been hearing these things from my friends, but they can't really be objective since they are so close to it. It has helped getting your objective responses. I have been seeing a psychotherapist for the past month. I started seeing her to make the relationship work, and it has turned into getting over the relationship I guess she is a smart counselor too! She said "dating this man seems like some sort of self sabatoge". Wish me luck for tomorrow. I dropped off the letter at lunch today, and he gets back in town tomorrow night. I won't be answering my cell tomorrow night if he calls, but he has been known to show up at my house during these freak outs. My daughter is staying with my parents tomorrow night... just in case. And my best friend lives right across the street from me, and I'm just going to hang out over there. I'll try my hardest to avoid him! I will see this man everywhere though, he is very intertwined in my group of close friends. We kind of run in the same social circle, so that might be tough. And for the record, I am well educated. I went to college... but he went to law school and once told me I wasn't very well educated. That one made me mad!
Author kle Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 Do you really think he could have borderline personality disorder?
Leoni Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Who knows what he has but I would discount Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He's way too dramatic, if what you wrote is his pattern of behaviours.
torranceshipman Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Man, he sounds like a complete assclown. That was really nice of you to take him back and give it another shot, and write all that in a letter, but if he gives you any more s**t after this point, just tell him that he is immature and cries like a little girl and you are just not into that and that he should man the hell up-and thats why you dumped him. Lol...only kidding I'm not that cold, but it is true, lets face it...crying like a baby and saying he's scared of the dark...geez...the worst part of it is that he did that cause he thought it'd win you back!? Big loser!
Lishy Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 when he text you about being scared of the dark cos he fell down the stairs you should have text back and told him to use his mobile for light! He is crazy - RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
Author kle Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 Okay, that one made me laugh! My friends were floored by the texts. One was like "I'm scared of the darkness" ... he sent that one before he fell. He was saying the darkness was because he was depressed about losing me. Then, the next one said "I'm just sitting here with tears rolling down thinking of how much I love you." Then the craziness really started with one text saying "fll dwn strs" ... then "trig to gt up" like he was so out of his mind from the fall that he couldn't type. He showed up at the bar we were at like 20 minutes later and started having drinks. Do you really think he fell and blacked out? I seriously doubt it!!!!!!!!! He said it happened twice before that month. Hhhmmm... and this is something he wouldn't have told me?? Now, which one of us in not well educated? He can't be serious. At least I'm smart enough to know how to be kind and honest to people! I put all that information in my letter to him on the off chance he showed it to his therapist. Like, maybe his therapist has no idea what is really going on!
Author kle Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 Tell me, if you blacked out and fell 3 times within a month, wouldn't you go immediately to see a doctor?
Tripper Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 And for the record, I am well educated. I went to college... but he went to law school and once told me I wasn't very well educated. That one made me mad! kle, your intelligence and education comes through in your posts. This guy may have a law degree but he is failing real life. Good luck tomorrow and keep us posted..
dell Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 kle, as the others have said, you really MUST leave this one. i'd like to add, however, that you be adamantly cautious about your exit. i've been through this and thankfully came out (finally after 3 break-ups) to suggest some advice. there are a couple of things you might consider: consider your role in allowing this behaviour in the past. this is in NO way to place blame on you, but these kind of guys tend to 'enable' their narcissistic personalities around those with whom they can "get away with it". which, your dude recognizes he can't with the counsellor.having recognized your susceptibility to his manipulation is a key step. everytime he pulls a "fit" of some sort, remind yourself that he's doing it to YOU b/c he thinks he can get away with it.consider is preparing for AFTER the break-up too. - be aware of your surroundings, sometimes these guys stoop to desperate levels related to your possible susceptibility... oddly enough, you may find you miss him or feel guilty if you don't answer one of his bazillion cries for help/threats (mine threatened to commit suicide)... he may try to pull at your heart strings. don't respond - he's still testing you. if you're really concerned, ask someone else to contact him. i hope this helped.
Author kle Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 Thank you! I will keep you posted on what happens in the next couple days. I'm nervous about the response, but heck, I have no control over him so I'm just going to control my own actions. And, in regards to the other post. I appreciate what you said. I know I have a quality that says I'm vulnerable. I have been raped and sexually abused in my past as a young child, but have really worked through those things. However, it still seems to show in my personality when first meeting me that I have pain on the inside. He seemed to pick up on that. I'm seeing a psychotherapist to work on this and make sure I never end up with someone like this again!! Smart advice and I appreciate it
Mistaken Identity Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 I was married to a drama "queen" like your boyfriend. His weapon was to threaten suicide. Don't be surprised if your boyfriend uses the same manipulation. Be prepared.
Author kle Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 He gets home in a few hours and I feel like I'm going to be sick! I don't know why I'm sad to be losing this guy. It sucks! Why do people make us love them pretending to be someone they are not, and then turn on us and treat us badly? It makes no sense to me. I would say, looking back, he is definitely emotionally unstable. That is just something I never saw in him the first few months!
Tripper Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 He gets home in a few hours and I feel like I'm going to be sick! I don't know why I'm sad to be losing this guy. It sucks! Why do people make us love them pretending to be someone they are not, and then turn on us and treat us badly? It makes no sense to me. I would say, looking back, he is definitely emotionally unstable. That is just something I never saw in him the first few months! Hang tough!! Your sad because something is coming to an end and it's a natural reaction.. Just remember when one door closes... another door opens.. And from what I see, neither you nor anyone else deserves to be treated this way.. you are worth more than that...
Author kle Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 I just got out of a 2 hour meeting. He had called once and sent 2 text messages. Nothing irratic like usual. Just basically saying "please call me." I haven't, and am not going to. The funny thing is I feel mean. I need to remember that he's the one that has been mean to me.
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