How do I tell him I had his child???

[SimplySarah]

I am facing a difficult "situation" and could use some advice. I apologize if I posted in the wrong forum, but this one seemed the most appropriate.

 

I have been married for 16 years, but separated now for a year (we are getting divorced, and get along better now than ever). We were previously separated 7 years ago for a period of 5 months, during which time we both "played the field". And then I got pregnant, despite being extremely careful.

 

My husband and I knew the baby wasn't his as he'd had a vasectomy several years prior. However I'd been with 2 other guys, Chris & Steve, right around the time I conceived. I notified both men. Chris said he would be there and support me whatever my decision was, Steve said he wasn't ready to have kids and he preferred to have no part of it.

 

My husband and I reconciled, and I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. When our dd was about 5 months old, a DNA test was performed at Chris' request, and he was ruled out as her biological father. I knew then she was biologically Steve's. I did not contact Steve, because he'd made it clear that he didn't want to be a dad. My husband had signed her birth certificate, and has been a great daddy ever since. (We also have 3 older children together.)

 

Fast forward to a month ago, when a close friend confided in me that she found out her dad wasn't her "real" dad when she was 19 years old, and it has caused her a great deal of pain, anger, and resentment throughout her adult life. Her relationship with her parents has been strained ever since (she's now 38). She gave me a perspective I never considered before, and she strongly urged me to find Steve, insisting that he has a right to know our dd exists and she is indeed his child, just as dd has a right to the same - or a medical history at the very least (she's 6 years old now).

 

Her story moved me enough to email Steve at the last known email address I had for him. I thought for sure my message would be returned as undeliverable. It wasn't. Steve responded the same night asking where I'd been hiding because he'd been looking for me for a long time (we had moved to a different city when dd was 2 yo). I gave him my number and he called me, and we've been talking on the phone ever since. Steve is still single (as he was when we were together), and still has no children. In our conversations Steve has mentioned that he regrets not settling down and having children, as he feels he is too old now to have kids (he's 36 lol). In every conversation he talks about these regrets, but not once has he come out and asked if I ever had the baby I was pregnant with. I did tell him I have 4 kids, and he said "Oh, I thought you had 3." And we left it at that.

 

Steve is eager to meet again, and I want to meet him too. But I am SCARED!! He says in all his life he has never had a connection with anyone like he had with me, and now that I'm really getting divorced he would like to explore what "could have been" between us. While all that is well and good, I know our motivations for meeting again are completely different. He wants to explore a relationship, but I want to tell him about his child (now at 6 yo she is the spitting image of him).

 

But how do I tell him???????? I can't picture myself sitting there saying "Oh by the way, remember 7 years ago when I was pregnant and you wanted no part of it? Well I had the baby and she is yours." Is there really any other way to say it though????? How do I come clean? Should I keep asking questions to see how receptive he would be first? (Our conversations thus far lead me to believe he would be happy about it but I don't know for sure.) Do I tell him at our first meeting? Do I bring pictures/scrapbooks of her life up til now so he can see what he missed? What if he wants to become part of her life now? While I'm not opposed to that (the more love the better), this is something that needs to be eased into over a period of time. She already has a daddy!

 

Argh! I have so much confusion about what the right thing to do/say is in this situation. I feel as though I'm deceiving him by agreeing to meet up on the pretense of possibly renewing our friendship, when in reality I will be dropping a bombshell on him. It would be so much easier to not tell him, but deep down I do feel he should know he has a child.

 

What do I do?????????????????????? If anyone has been in this position (or been in Steve's position) I would greatly appreciate some pointers on what to do/say and what NOT to do/say.

 

Lastly, I am seeking genuine advice on how to proceed from this point forward. Please do not reply if your intent is to chastise me for decisions/mistakes made up til now. I've done enough of that to myself. Thank you!

 

Sarah

[amaysngrace]

Wow. This is huge!

 

I would hold off introductions until I'd spoken to a child psychologist first. Because keeping her mind settled is the most important thing to consider in all of this.

 

I would let Steve know about her though. Maybe he'd like to go and speak to someone with you.

 

He should know about her. I am just not sure how you should approach this though. I've never been in your shoes.

 

Wow.

[Tripper]

Fast forward to a month ago, when a close friend confided in me that she found out her dad wasn't her "real" dad when she was 19 years old, and it has caused her a great deal of pain, anger, and resentment throughout her adult life. Her relationship with her parents has been strained ever since (she's now 38). She gave me a perspective I never considered before, and she strongly urged me to find Steve, insisting that he has a right to know our dd exists and she is indeed his child, just as dd has a right to the same - or a medical history at the very least (she's 6 years old now).

 

Sarah, you are faced with a dilemma however you really need to think about your child.

There's a big difference between the sperm donor and the parent who raises the child, fathers or mothers her and is her role model.

Steve gave up his right to know about his child when he turned his back on you 7 years ago. Since you are the mother and guardian of your child you have to decide if it's in her best interest at this moment to be introduced to the biological father. I would ask to what point?

As you are going through divorce there's enough turmoil in your childs life without introducing more by bringing Steve into the picture.

Perhaps when she is older, say around 18, you can explain to her how her mom made a big mistake and you could feel her out as to whether or not she wants to meet Steve.

As far as your meeting Steve, you're an adult and have to decide for yourself.

In the final analysis you need to do what's best for your child today.

[marlena]

I totally agree with Trimmer's post. I don't see any reason to upset the child's life at this moment. Perhaps when she is older. As for Steve, I really don't know if he should be given this gift of knowing he had "fathered" a child. When he should have been supportive, he rejected both you and the baby. In my eyes, the real father is your husband.

 

If I were you, I would question my own intentions for wanting to contact Steve or even go so far as to see him. It sounds like you might have residual feelings for him. If you do, just bear in mind that he walked away from you at a very critical point in your life. Do you think he has changed? I doubt it very much. All these years, he didn't care to find out what happened to his child that you were carrying. I don't for a second believe that he couldn't find you. You can find anyone if you set your mind to it. He didn't even bother to find out if the child was carried to full term or not. He does not sound like good father material or relationship material for that matter.

 

I would rethink about the repercussions of what you are about to do... especially where your child's well-being is concerned. I would also brainstorm about whether or not this man deserves a second chance with you.. or his lovely daughter.

[momma3179]

What exactly did you write in the email to Steve? It seems like he is waiting for you to say the 4th child is his... I dunno... but the child is who should be thought of first and I agree that seeking out professional advice would be best.. I wish you luck

[amaysngrace]

I don't think it's fair to keep a child hidden from her father. I think that's just wrong.

 

He has as much of a right to become involved in this child's life as a mother does if he chooses.

 

It doesn't matter what the circumstances were that brought this baby into the world. The fact is there is a child who would probably like to be given the chance to get to know her father. If you don't at least make him aware of her existence your daughter will have no one to blame but you. If you tell him and he is disinterested that's a whole other thing.

 

But he has the right to know in the event that he wants to become an active participant in his daughter's life. He needs to know.

[dbtmarley]

Contact a child support office in your city. He will get a message from them about the kiddie very soon... including the retro stuff.

[Tripper]

I don't think it's fair to keep a child hidden from her father. I think that's just wrong.

 

He has as much of a right to become involved in this child's life as a mother does if he chooses.

 

It doesn't matter what the circumstances were that brought this baby into the world. The fact is there is a child who would probably like to be given the chance to get to know her father. If you don't at least make him aware of her existence your daughter will have no one to blame but you. If you tell him and he is disinterested that's a whole other thing.

 

But he has the right to know in the event that he wants to become an active participant in his daughter's life. He needs to know.

 

I gotta disagree. First the child is too young to even understand why this guy would be her father when her sibs have the same father.

Also this dude walked away without caring one iota about the unborn child or even if the pregnancy went to term. Now all of a sudden he's had some change of conciousness??!!

 

Unless he's prepared to offer financial support for his child, why should he reap the benefits?? He wasn't there to change the diapers and deal with the colic at 3 am when she was an infant. Now he's just going to waltz into this kids life and turn it upside down?? To satisfy his wondering if he missed out on some part of life??

 

He's not the victim here!

[dbtmarley]

They will also perform a DNA test which Steve or Mikey whatever will have to pay for... as easy as that.

[amaysngrace]

Mistakes were made all around. And you're a hundred per cent right to say this man is not the victim. But he is that child's father.

 

Think about it. If your parents split up and three of your siblings were your dads yet you were not, wouldn't it make you feel bad when you found out?

 

I don't know. I think this whole situation sounds complicated but I do think that honesty should come into play at some point, and probably the sooner the better. Otherwise this child's whole life will be a farce one day when she realizes the truth.

 

I think that's unfair. For some reason or another I believe that honesty is the best policy.

[Tripper]

Mistakes were made all around. And you're a hundred per cent right to say this man is not the victim. But he is that child's father.

 

Think about it. If your parents split up and three of your siblings were your dads yet you were not, wouldn't it make you feel bad when you found out?

 

I don't know. I think this whole situation sounds complicated but I do think that honesty should come into play at some point, and probably the sooner the better. Otherwise this child's whole life will be a farce one day when she realizes the truth.

 

I think that's unfair. For some reason or another I believe that honesty is the best policy.

 

I don't disagree that the child has a right to know, but not at the age of 6. In my previous post I suggest the child should be informed at age 18 and she should have the choice if she wants the sperm donor in her life. It's unfair to foist a complete stranger onto a 6 year old and tell her it's he father.

And if and when the sperm donor finds out he has a child then what?? He wants to jump into her life... Same argument.

I'm not against telling him he has fathered a child, I'm against turning this 6 year olds life upside down, when her parents are already going through divorce. She needs to get some stability.

And why now?? In the middle of divorce?? Why not let the fallout settle?

 

For the life of me, I can't think of one compelling reason this child should be subject to any of this turmoil. Yep, I can understand the adults wanting to resolve issues of honesty, but not at the child's expense. They're just going to have to hold on to those issues for now..

 

And I don't think he's the childs father. He's the sperm donor. The father is the man that raised the child to this point in her life.

Edited January 14, 2008 by Tripper
additional comment

[amaysngrace]

And why now?? In the middle of divorce?? Why not let the fallout settle?

 

And I don't think he's the childs father. He's the sperm donor. The father is the man that raised the child to this point in her life.

 

When people get divorced child support is based on the number of children the couple has had. So it very well may be addressed prior to the divorce realistically. Yes he may be the child's only father till now but who's to say if he's willing to continue to support this child? I don't recall seeing that anywhere.

 

I am not a child psychologist and to the best of my knowledge you aren't either. With that being said I stand behind everything I have posted already and will just have to respectfully disagree with you.

[marlena]

Yes, I agree she should be told but not just now. Her parent's are divorcing and her life is already about to undergo major changes that will call for adjustments. My position is that she should be told later when she is in a position to process the information. Of course, the best advice would be to seek the opinionof a professional. What's of uppermost importance now is the child's stability and emotional well-being. This type of disclosure will wreak havoc to her already fragile world and upset whatever sense of stabilty she already has.

 

Sometimes it is better to keep certain people away if they happen to be a bad influence from a child's upbringing...even if it is the biological father.

 

Somehow, I don't feel that this man wants to be a part of his child's life. If he had, he would have done everything in his power to find them and do right by them. He didn't care. He outright told her that he would have no part in it. When the OP told him she had four children, he didn't even inquire if the fourth were his. This in itself speaks volumes. He pretends the pregnancy never happened, that the possibility of his being the father of the fourth child does not exist. This is not the way a decent man behaves.

 

Knowing that OP is now divorcing, he may want to simply pick up where they left off. Sometimes it's better to leave well enough alone .. or at least 'til a better time.

[amaysngrace]

This is not the way a decent man behaves.

 

Sometimes it's better to leave well enough alone .. or at least 'til a better time.

 

 

 

 

Decent men don't hook up with married women either. He tried to contact her years ago. She moved.

 

I have a strong feeling that a child psychologist would say to hold off on introductions right now too. But wait twelve years? No, I don't think that'd be the recommendation of a trained professional.

Edited January 14, 2008 by amaysngrace

[marlena]

Amazing,

 

I thought Sarah said that she was separated at the time and not living with her husband. Perhaps I am not reading properly but I thought she said he was looking for her. Personally I find that hard to believe. When you REALLY want to find somebody, it can be done.

 

But wait twelve years? No, I don't think that'd be the recommendation of a trained professional

 

Sorry but did I say twelve years? I must reread my posts.

 

But why on earth would he want to pick up where they left off if she's getting divorced? He hooked up with her before when she was married and therefore unavailable?

 

Again she said she was separated. As for wanting to pick up where he left off, now, she is even more available.

 

We don't know the whole story. Perhaps the broke up because she went back to her husband while now she is REALLY divorcing him

 

Anyway, that's not important. The child is.

[Cobra_X30]

Contact a child support office in your city. He will get a message from them about the kiddie very soon... including the retro stuff.

 

Doesnt work like that.

 

They will also perform a DNA test which Steve or Mikey whatever will have to pay for... as easy as that.

 

The H signed the papers... no DNA test can reverse that.

 

When people get divorced child support is based on the number of children the couple has had. So it very well may be addressed prior to the divorce realistically. Yes he may be the child's only father till now but who's to say if he's willing to continue to support this child? I don't recall seeing that anywhere.

 

To the best of my knowlege, the Step father for lack of a better term, will pay child support until 18 no matter who the true biological father is.

 

Look the divorce is going to be traumatic for the child... There is going to be a Daddy # 2 stepping in at some point anyway. So there is most likely... First Dad, Step Dad, Read Dad. What a mess!

[amaysngrace]

Sorry but did I say twelve years? I must reread my posts.

 

No it wasn't you. It was Tripper who you previously agreed with.

 

 

Again she said she was separated. As for wanting to pick up where he left off, now, she is even more available.

 

We don't know the whole story. Perhaps the broke up because she went back to her husband while now she is REALLY divorcing him

 

Anyway, that's not important. The child is.

 

You're right. The reason behind them meeting up isn't really important. I guess that's why I forgot when the baby got conceived she was separated.

 

But I do think she has a duty to her daughter to not keep the child hidden from her father. I'm not saying to have her call him dad or anything. Pretty much just go on the recommendation of a professional.

[marlena]

Amazing,

 

I agreed with Tripper about telling the child when she's older in general. Even then, I am not sure it is a good idea.

 

Anyway, whatever we say in here is unimportant, really. Like you point out, she needs to seek out expert on this.

[Tripper]

I am not a child psychologist and to the best of my knowledge you aren't either. With that being said I stand behind everything I have posted already and will just have to respectfully disagree with you.

 

 

I've never said I was a child psych and you are entitled to your opinion, however from all the posts here, most people agree that the childs welfare is paramount and introducing this guy into her life at this point isn't a smart idea. You don't have to be a child psych. to figure that out. At least I don't think you do.

Wait until she's 18?? I think so but others may not. Point is she doesn't have the intellectual capacity to process this at the age of 6

[mental_traveller]

I gotta disagree. First the child is too young to even understand why this guy would be her father when her sibs have the same father.

Also this dude walked away without caring one iota about the unborn child or even if the pregnancy went to term. Now all of a sudden he's had some change of conciousness??!!

 

Unless he's prepared to offer financial support for his child, why should he reap the benefits?? He wasn't there to change the diapers and deal with the colic at 3 am when she was an infant. Now he's just going to waltz into this kids life and turn it upside down?? To satisfy his wondering if he missed out on some part of life??

 

He's not the victim here!

 

I disagree strongly. The main problem is you are not considering the interests and rights of the child. She has a right to know the truth about her background. The consequences will also be nasty if she finds out when she is older - she will quite rightly view her parents as having lied to and deceived her over a huge issue.

 

6 years old is easily old enough to understand the situation. Adopted kids are often told about their situation at that age or even younger. Also, why do you use the term "victim"? That strikes me as a rather patronising attitude to the kid.

 

IMO people should not comment on this issue unless they have some experience of similar circumstances, or done a lot of reading up on it. Resentment at concealed biological info can be a really big problem.

 

To the original poster - it's simple, just tell Steve and then tell your daughter. You don't have to let Steve into your daughter's life btw, although I think that should be your daughter's choice. Personally I would say this is an area where you should speak to an experienced child psychologist. There are many similarities in your situation to issues surrounding adoption, so you might find it useful to speak to someone experienced in that field too.

[mental_traveller]

I totally agree with Trimmer's post. I don't see any reason to upset the child's life at this moment. Perhaps when she is older.

 

The reason is that not telling her will give a huge chance that she will hate her parents when she finally is told, not to mention having major issues about feeling that her life up to then has been a sham, based on lies and deceit. If you want to totally screw up a young person's psyche, concealing stuff like this is a great way to do it.

[Tripper]

I disagree strongly. The main problem is you are not considering the interests and rights of the child. She has a right to know the truth about her background. The consequences will also be nasty if she finds out when she is older - she will quite rightly view her parents as having lied to and deceived her over a huge issue.

 

6 years old is easily old enough to understand the situation. Adopted kids are often told about their situation at that age or even younger. Also, why do you use the term "victim"? That strikes me as a rather patronising attitude to the kid.

 

If this were a simple case where both parents adopted the child and had a stable family, sure, go ahead and tell her. But it's not. The nuclear family (whatever the heck that is these days) is getting pulled apart by divorce, which she has to adjust to, and now you want inform her that while her mother is her mother, her father is some other man?? And then try to explain how this works?? How much do you think this 6 year old should deal with at one time??

 

Why has she been victimized? Because she has absolutely no choice in having her family pulled apart by divorce, and if told about her biological father, no choice in that matter. You can't unring the bell.

 

Of course she has rights, but at that age it's up to the parent or guardian to decide if it is prudent for her to be allowed to exercise those rights.

 

This whole issue will have an effect on her no matter when she's told the truth. But can she process it along with all the other changes in her life?? I will agree that a professional should be consulted on this one.

[bozwa]

I disagree strongly. The main problem is you are not considering the interests and rights of the child. She has a right to know the truth about her background. The consequences will also be nasty if she finds out when she is older - she will quite rightly view her parents as having lied to and deceived her over a huge issue.

 

6 years old is easily old enough to understand the situation. Adopted kids are often told about their situation at that age or even younger. Also, why do you use the term "victim"? That strikes me as a rather patronising attitude to the kid.

 

IMO people should not comment on this issue unless they have some experience of similar circumstances, or done a lot of reading up on it. Resentment at concealed biological info can be a really big problem.

 

To the original poster - it's simple, just tell Steve and then tell your daughter. You don't have to let Steve into your daughter's life btw, although I think that should be your daughter's choice. Personally I would say this is an area where you should speak to an experienced child psychologist. There are many similarities in your situation to issues surrounding adoption, so you might find it useful to speak to someone experienced in that field too.

 

SIMPLY SARAH: This is the absolute best advice given on this entire thread. I would disregard the disagreements going on here and follow this poster's advice. It's logical and makes sense. Follow your heart and have a therapist lined up.

[NotMyselfNEmore]

It's one thing if Steve told you over and over again that he didn't want children and AFTER you two broke up, you found out that you were pregnant and decided not to tell him about it.....

 

But we are talking about the fact that Steve, knowing that a baby was already in her way, decided to "wash his hands" from the situation. He was already informed of the fact that he was going to be a father. You did your part and he walked away. He is not the victim and he doesn't have the right to know anything because he already knows! That he continues to beat around the bush.....well.... that's his problem.

 

The mental halth of your child is the most important thing here. Life, as she knows it will end if you reveal this to her. Think of your husband too... he stepped up to the plate and did what Steve wasn't willing to do. His heart will be torn appart also if his girl is taken from him.

 

Should have, could have, would have... it's not to late for Steve to have a change of heart but it is not convenient or healthy for this fact to be included in your daughter's life right now. When she's older (even a bit older than 18 so that hormones are not raging so much), you can introduce the story of Steve and the possibility of her not being your husband's daughter... she will then decide if she wants to ask the question. And if she does.... come clean about it to her. This is not about Steve or you anymore. This is about your daughter and what's best for her.

[mental_traveller]

Why has she been victimized? Because she has absolutely no choice in having her family pulled apart by divorce, and if told about her biological father, no choice in that matter. You can't unring the bell.

 

Of course she has rights, but at that age it's up to the parent or guardian to decide if it is prudent for her to be allowed to exercise those rights.

 

This whole issue will have an effect on her no matter when she's told the truth. But can she process it along with all the other changes in her life?? I will agree that a professional should be consulted on this one.

 

I agree with you it is the parents choice, I'm just saying that there's a pretty strong consensus amongst professionals that these kind of issues are best to bring up early, and so the original poster should consult someone. This situation would be very easy to make assumptions about (i.e. don't tell till 18) that seem normal and natural, but could actually be quite harmful and cause irreperable psychological issues. Young kids are actually much more resilient than older people at processing these kinds of things, because they have little or no preconceived notion of what is normal or expected. It's a far greater shock at an older age.

 

About being a victim, I just don't see how you can class not having the 2 biological parents together as "victimising" the child. This assumes there is some kind of damage or harm inflicted, which is not true. A kid is a victim if his parents are abusive. A kid is a victim if he is abandoned to a foster home. A kid is not a victim just because the parents are divorced, or there is a step-father or mother around instead of the biological parent. All IMHO.