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Does LS think this is a bad idea??? One final email to my X???

Confused9

By Confused9
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Confused9 Established Member

Confused9

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Posted

Hello all,

 

Many of you know my situtation...but I will put the short version here in case.

 

My Fiance of 3 years, boyfriend of 7 went to a different state to work and met someone. He cheated on me with her. Lied about it, I heard messages, he finally admitted it than said he didn't want to be with me.

 

He wouldn't talk to me, was mean to me, etc. Finalyl he told me she was pregnant so I left him alone. He was mean and posting mean things on myspace, etc. He owes me money and paid it to me then he stopped last week. I called him on it and he said I he was laid off then when I mentioned a lawyer he got defensive and said fine, take him to court...he'll win blah blah. He seems to be lying about having a lawyer as he wouldn't give me there name or anything.

 

I don't really have much of a case since everything is in my name. I will still talk to a lawyer but with all the legal fees, etc it may not be worth it.

 

So I want to email him and just say my last whatever and let it be. I really didn't say much to him throughout the breakup because I wanted to keep the peace in terms of money. Now, I really have nothing to lose.

 

should I just let it go (I really don't want to do this) or can I email him and just put it all out there. This probably won't change much but perhaps it will? I don't want to be back with him but I want him to realize what he is doing with the money (with everything, really) is wrong. Maybe I just made him mad with the lawyer talk so now he is being an @ss?

 

What's LS's thoughts?

 

I want to let go...once and for all, but I would like to write something just to say my final peace. UGH! I don't know.

 

Is he too far passed this to care that what he is doing is wrong?

SeraBella Established Member

SeraBella

Posted
Posted

How much does he owe you? Would it be for small claims court, or something greater?

 

Verbal contracts are just as binding as written, gather up everything you have and go with it. If you have nothing in writing as to what he owes, you, at least keep a journal of when you spoke to him, what you said, what he said, what the original agreement was, when he paid, what he paid, etc.

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Confused9 Established Member

Confused9

Posted
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Posted

He owes me about 8,000.

 

There really isn't much on paper besides credit card bills, etc. He was direct depositing 200.00 in my account until this past Thursday. So...that is some prove but other than that that's it. Our funds were comingled and it will be hard to prove whose money is what and who's debt was whose. It's all in my name. UGH!

serial muse Established Member

serial muse

Posted
Posted (edited)
Hello all,

 

Many of you know my situtation...but I will put the short version here in case.

 

My Fiance of 3 years, boyfriend of 7 went to a different state to work and met someone. He cheated on me with her. Lied about it, I heard messages, he finally admitted it than said he didn't want to be with me.

 

He wouldn't talk to me, was mean to me, etc. Finalyl he told me she was pregnant so I left him alone. He was mean and posting mean things on myspace, etc. He owes me money and paid it to me then he stopped last week. I called him on it and he said I he was laid off then when I mentioned a lawyer he got defensive and said fine, take him to court...he'll win blah blah. He seems to be lying about having a lawyer as he wouldn't give me there name or anything.

 

I don't really have much of a case since everything is in my name. I will still talk to a lawyer but with all the legal fees, etc it may not be worth it.

 

So I want to email him and just say my last whatever and let it be. I really didn't say much to him throughout the breakup because I wanted to keep the peace in terms of money. Now, I really have nothing to lose.

 

should I just let it go (I really don't want to do this) or can I email him and just put it all out there. This probably won't change much but perhaps it will? I don't want to be back with him but I want him to realize what he is doing with the money (with everything, really) is wrong. Maybe I just made him mad with the lawyer talk so now he is being an @ss?

 

What's LS's thoughts?

 

I want to let go...once and for all, but I would like to write something just to say my final peace. UGH! I don't know.

 

Is he too far passed this to care that what he is doing is wrong?

 

LS always thinks a final email is wrong. ;) No Contact is canon around here. And generally, I do think that it's the best way to heal.

 

I know that a final email can feel like a good idea initially, because you want to be heard, you want justice, you want your side of it to be on record somehow, and of course you want him to regret and feel guilty and wrong. But it may not feel that way a few weeks down the line, after you've sent it and stewed over it and he hasn't replied and basically you have no idea what became of your heartfelt words and you also wonder whether you've left an impression of yourself that you would very much like to edit (and so are tempted to send yet another email). Preserving your own mystery and sense of dignity in the face of his truly crappy behavior is a priceless feeling - but one that you only start to feel after weeks, or months, of distance.

 

The truth is, unless he were to apologize fully, and perhaps even return to you, it's possible that you'll never feel like your side has been heard. Because the way he treated you was incredibly crappy and unfair.

 

Just to give you a sense of where I"m coming from, I was actually in a pretty similar situation. Married for 3 years, with him a total of 7. He cheated the last year, and treated me like crap - truly said some of the most hurtful, deeply wounding things you could ever dread hearing from someone you were so intimate with and trusted. I couldn't wrap my brain around it - where did all that anger come from? Could I possibly deserve this?? What had I done to earn all this rage from him?

 

The answer is, I didn't. But he needed that anger to keep from feeling guilty over what he knew was really unconscionable behavior. So he fed it, for a while. And I sent emails like the one you're talking about - more than one - because I thought I could connect to the part of him that I once knew, that I could somehow restore justice, at least. It didn't work. He was full of self-righteousness and unwilling to hear my side. Of course - how could he? It would have burst apart the fantasy he had of himself as a good guy.

 

The update, however, is that he has since apologized (took a few years). He somehow found me online and emailed me at work to say he couldn't believe he had acted like that, that he's ashamed when he remembers it. It took that long for him to admit to himself that he wasn't really angry with me, but had just needed to justify his affair.

 

Well, good. I was glad to hear it, and acknowledged it to myself. But the truth is, although there was a time when I wanted that kind of email more than anything, by this time I simply didn't feel like replying and took it in stride. I was genuinely done.

 

So I understand why you want to send that email, I really do. And I don't think anyone would condemn you for sending it, since most of us have. :o I don't think it'll help you much, at least not in the long term, but if it's what you need to do right now, then it's what you need. I do empathize. :)

 

One way or another, your equilibrium will eventually be restored...sending a "final" email might postpone it for a bit, that's all. But it's not the end of the world, either.

Edited by serial muse
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Confused9 Established Member

Confused9

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WOW! Your story is VERY similiar. You're right...I do want him to feel guilty and I want to get to the old version of him that loved me. I want him to read that email and think, oh man! What have I done. But, it probably won't get me anywhere and will just make me feel worse.

 

I just feel like he wins if I don't do anything right now. Like he gets to walk away leaving me broken and sad while he has a new life in a new state with a new girl, leaving behind everything we/he ever had. And NOW he gets to walk away from debt in MY name but that he is responsible for. He knows he's responsible for it but he doesn't seem to care. So...I know I don't really have much of a case in court due to my stupidity and having my name on everything...so it seems like if I don't send him an email telling him why he won't be hearing from my lawyer he will then thing he won.

 

I am just so hurt that we ended up like this. I guess I just want to hear the I'm sorry or I regret that or whatever and I may never hear that and I need to understand that. It's really hard to swallow.

 

I am SO glad you responded. I will call you my guardian angel for the day. Your story is very similiar and your post made so much sense. I will try not to send the email. I really will. Like you said, it won't make a difference. If you really believe that...then I won't send it.

serial muse Established Member

serial muse

Posted
Posted (edited)
I just feel like he wins if I don't do anything right now. Like he gets to walk away leaving me broken and sad while he has a new life in a new state with a new girl, leaving behind everything we/he ever had. And NOW he gets to walk away from debt in MY name but that he is responsible for. He knows he's responsible for it but he doesn't seem to care. So...I know I don't really have much of a case in court due to my stupidity and having my name on everything...so it seems like if I don't send him an email telling him why he won't be hearing from my lawyer he will then thing he won.

 

I am just so hurt that we ended up like this. I guess I just want to hear the I'm sorry or I regret that or whatever and I may never hear that and I need to understand that. It's really hard to swallow.

 

Oh believe me, I know that feeling! I can't count the number of times that I said to my friends how ANGRY I was that he got away with it, that he's going off to be happy in his new life and I'm left feeling both unwanted AND somehow vaguely at fault. :mad:

 

And in the middle of my raving, one friend said to me, repeatedly, that there would come a time when he apologized. But that the hard part is, by then I probably wouldn't care. Well, she was mostly right (I didn't care enough to want him back in my life in any way, but I did feel rather satisfied that karma finally kicked in). By the way, his relationship with the OW didn't work out. ;)

 

I didn't really have the financial wrinkle, so I wish I knew what to advise there! We had kept our bank accounts separate. Foreshadowing, perhaps. But it's definitely worth it to talk to a lawyer! You're not going to be the first person in this situation, and it may be there are all sorts of things you wouldn't think of that can strengthen your case.

 

Anyway, one thing that I read on LS a while back, regarding sending a post-breakup letter to tell someone how you feel, was this: the thing is, he already knows. You can explain and express yourself till you're blue in the face, but it won't bring him closer to you. (It's taken me two relationships to actually learn that lesson, so I wouldn't blame you if you did it anyway!) Because you're not telling him anything he doesn't already know.

 

He just doesn't want to face your pain, and he's not prepared to face the guilt he feels, deep down. And it may be a long, long time before he is prepared for that (if ever). Which sucks. But there will come a time when you won't care.

 

Ha, I feel kind of like I'm your future self coming back to reassure you. :bunny: I'm sorry for the hurt you're going through...but it's going to be okay. He's not getting away with anything. Really.

 

I am SO glad you responded. I will call you my guardian angel for the day.

 

Oh, thank you - you just made my day!

Edited by serial muse
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Confused9 Established Member

Confused9

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Wow, your words really really really help - THANK YOU!

 

I hope he comes to his senses and apologizes to me. I really know this man loved me. He held me on a pedastle. I don't know waht happened in the short couple of weeks he was away (besides cheating) to choose this new life but for some reason he did. I know there is nothing I can do to change this now and we will never be able to be together. I mean...there is just too much hurt.

 

I am so sad to say that as he was my first love, my first everything basically. I was to be married at 27 and now I am single. It's scary but I guess it's something I need to face as it's my reality. I am scared that I will never trust anyone again becasue of all he has done. I know this is something I need to work on. I just worry I will never be in love again or if I am I won't trust it becasue of his poor actions towards me.

 

He just doesn't want to face your pain, and he's not prepared to face the guilt he feels, deep down. And it may be a long, long time before he is prepared for that (if ever). Which sucks. But there will come a time when you won't care. Sometimes I worry he doesn't even feel guilt or pain. Sometimes I worry if I ever meant anytthing to him becasue he has been so cold. But, I would think if he really didn't care...he wouldn't be so angry.

 

His parent's are crushed, my family is crushed our friends are crushed and he moved 1,000s of miles away and has yet to return or call anyone from our live. Maybe that means he does care?

 

But, if he did...would he stop sending me that money? This is something I wrestle with. He did it for 2 months...what caused him to stop now? He said he was laid off but I don't know if I believe him.

 

I have an interview tonight for a second job...hopefully I get it.

 

Keep your fingers crossed.

 

THAKN AGAIN FOR POSTING TO THIS. You made me feel a lot better.

 

You have been SO HELPFUL!!! :bunny:

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