Confused9 Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Hello all, Many of you know my situtation...but I will put the short version here in case. My Fiance of 3 years, boyfriend of 7 went to a different state to work and met someone. He cheated on me with her. Lied about it, I heard messages, he finally admitted it than said he didn't want to be with me. He wouldn't talk to me, was mean to me, etc. Finalyl he told me she was pregnant so I left him alone. He was mean and posting mean things on myspace, etc. He owes me money and paid it to me then he stopped last week. I called him on it and he said I he was laid off then when I mentioned a lawyer he got defensive and said fine, take him to court...he'll win blah blah. He seems to be lying about having a lawyer as he wouldn't give me there name or anything. I don't really have much of a case since everything is in my name. I will still talk to a lawyer but with all the legal fees, etc it may not be worth it. So I want to email him and just say my last whatever and let it be. I really didn't say much to him throughout the breakup because I wanted to keep the peace in terms of money. Now, I really have nothing to lose. should I just let it go (I really don't want to do this) or can I email him and just put it all out there. This probably won't change much but perhaps it will? I don't want to be back with him but I want him to realize what he is doing with the money (with everything, really) is wrong. Maybe I just made him mad with the lawyer talk so now he is being an @ss? What's LS's thoughts? I want to let go...once and for all, but I would like to write something just to say my final peace. UGH! I don't know. Is he too far passed this to care that what he is doing is wrong?
Ronni_W Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 I don't really favour the "emotional vomiting" that you're thinking of, and especially wouldn't recommend putting it in print. You will at some point move through all your current feelings -- and may then end up feeling badly that you gave in to this temporary urge to "strike back" at him in some way. But he will still have your upchuck there in black and white, to prove how you lost all self-control and dignity and whatever else negative he can turn it into. Why give him another thing to post about you on MySpace? Have you considered writing a letter but with the intent of releasing all of it from your mind, heart and body? You could then perform a ritual of burning or burying it. It is important to get it all out of your system -- anger, disgust, disappointment, frustration, etc -- there are just some ways that will be better for your long-term wellness than others.
Author Confused9 Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 That's a great idea. I did actually write the email but I haven't sent and it the consensus is to probably not do so. Luckily for me before I do things I post here and talk to my girlfriends. I guess what I am trying to get out of this is for him to feel bad and do the right thing in terms of money since I am not sure if my case will hold up in court since my name is on everything. I feel if I don't try and fight in court he will win and think I didn't have a case or what have you. I just don't want him to be able to walk away from everything and not have any consequences. But, I guess...that's not for me to worry about anymore!
Ronni_W Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 I guess what I am trying to get out of this is for him to feel bad and do the right thing in terms of money Nah, unfortunately we don't have the power to influence how others are going to feel OR how they're going to act. Plus, it seems like you already know that he's a lost cause and chances of him acting honourably are pretty much nil(?) If that's the case, IMO, lashing out KNOWING that your efforts will be futile makes it even less desirable to do anything that doesn't reflect who you are and who you want to be. On the other side is that saying about "catching more flies with honey than vinegar" (or however it goes). With any luck, leave it alone and there's a small chance he may end up repaying you. And if he doesn't, I really believe that his Karma is gonna catch up with him someday, somehow.
Author Confused9 Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 Thank Ronni. I really have been so good to him through this whole thing. I haven't contacted OW to tell her who he really is and left him alone when he told me to. This man was my everything, left me alone, broken and to pick up the pieces of our once wonderful life and I did it. I moved, I told everyone (even his parent's) because he wouldnt' say anything. I told him I loved him and wanted to make it work and he just kept hanging up on me or telling me lies. I should have known there was another woman but like an idiot I believed him. Then he told me she was preggo and I was sick to my stomach. Now all the sudden she isn't. I don't even know what to think if there ever was a baby...but that is not my concern anymore I guess. He is a liar and a alcoholic and a cheat. I guess there is nothing I can do.
LakesideDream Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 There is no point in sending that email, it just continues the Drama. As to talking to your "girlfriends" on LS, I'm a little miffed.... I don't have a vagina!
Ronni_W Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 As to talking to your "girlfriends" on LS, I'm a little miffed.... I don't have a vagina! No, no, you were included...she said "post here AND talk to my g/fs"... feeling better?
br0ken_w0lf Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 I second (or third or fourth) writing the letter but not sending it. Many therapists recommending doing this as it allows you to get your feelings written down and out of your system, without the possibility of repercussions from sending it. I've done this a few times and I always felt better after writing the letter; sometimes, there is simply no point in sending it and this is probably one of those times. Take care.
velouria Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 I unfortunately know this from experience. Whatever you have to say, no matter how valid-- will sound like sour grapes and a whole lot of hot air. At best, he'll think you're just trying to make him feel guilty and still, even if he does feel a teeny bit guilty he didn't come to that noble conclusion on his own. Therefore he'll still be invalidating you. This will still be some unpleasant thing you are doing to him. You will NEVER be able to make a man capable of that kind of behavior see reason, short of a thunderbolt or some major catastrophic event. However, if you just really feel like letting him have it, go for it. I mean your relationship is dead and you might as well be shouting into the wind anyway and **** him. That's what I tell myself. According to my books, aggression has no place in intimate relationships unless you are trying to destroy the attachment bond. So, if you want to really give your relationship a fatal blow, then go for it. Just be aware that that is the kind of damage you will do.
Author Confused9 Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 No, no, you were included...she said "post here AND talk to my g/fs"... feeling better? Thanks for sticking up for me Ronni. I was like ahhhh, that's not what I meant. But, you already helped him figure that out. I was just at my job interview for my second job...gotta make money if he isn't going to pay me back...
Author Confused9 Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 I unfortunately know this from experience. Whatever you have to say, no matter how valid-- will sound like sour grapes and a whole lot of hot air. At best, he'll think you're just trying to make him feel guilty and still, even if he does feel a teeny bit guilty he didn't come to that noble conclusion on his own. Therefore he'll still be invalidating you. This will still be some unpleasant thing you are doing to him. You will NEVER be able to make a man capable of that kind of behavior see reason, short of a thunderbolt or some major catastrophic event. However, if you just really feel like letting him have it, go for it. I mean your relationship is dead and you might as well be shouting into the wind anyway and **** him. That's what I tell myself. According to my books, aggression has no place in intimate relationships unless you are trying to destroy the attachment bond. So, if you want to really give your relationship a fatal blow, then go for it. Just be aware that that is the kind of damage you will do. I guess there really is no need to send it. However, he must be really trying to ruin our relationship becasue he is so angry towards me...so if your post is correct (bolded what I am talking about) then he obviously could care less. Although, maybe I should have noticed that when he cheated, moved away, stopped paying me back, stopped calling me or just texted me out of the blue to say 'it feels good to know you are moving on'. oh man, I am an idiot!
brothermartin Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 He dose feel guilty. That's why he said and did mean things to you, to help him deal with the guilt of betraying you. I also thought about sending my ex a letter, telling her everything that I've gone through because of her and how wrong she was for treating me the way she did. But I decided not to, because all it would really do is hurt her more and prove that I'm just as weak and lacking in character as she was. I won't continue to play the part of the victim, and neither should you. What he thinks or how he feels dosen't matter now. Be your own boss and prove to yourself that you are better than some petty grievances left behind by someone that was in your life, for a time.
Author Confused9 Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 Thank you brother martin. I agree...I think he is guilty too, but I guess that doesn't matter now because he doesn't want to apologize or make things work and I need to stop waiting for that to happen. I also need to stop analyzing and thinking about his life. It's no longer my life and I need to get over it. This new chapter begins now...
brothermartin Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 Thank you brother martin. I agree...I think he is guilty too, but I guess that doesn't matter now because he doesn't want to apologize or make things work and I need to stop waiting for that to happen. I also need to stop analyzing and thinking about his life. It's no longer my life and I need to get over it. This new chapter begins now... Welcome to freedom.
Author Confused9 Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 Let's just hope I can keep it together. I get so strong then I just crash. IT's a brutal cycle.
brothermartin Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 Let's just hope I can keep it together. I get so strong then I just crash. IT's a brutal cycle. You'll have moments when you feel vulnerable and shaky, but it will pass. Tough times don't last, tough people do.
Author Confused9 Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 : ) Thank you. I hope this passes. I hear the best revenge is a life lived well. So...I guess I will start that process.
Ronni_W Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 Thanks for sticking up for me Ronni. I was like ahhhh, No prob. I think LakesideDream was just joking anyway. At least, that's how I took it and I was LMAO in my response to him. Guess you were just preoccupied and didn't see the potential for a lighter side in it . Hang in there.
Author Confused9 Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 Oh I figured he was joking. At least I hope he was! : ) Thanks again!
velouria Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 He dose feel guilty. That's why he said and did mean things to you, to help him deal with the guilt of betraying you. I also thought about sending my ex a letter, telling her everything that I've gone through because of her and how wrong she was for treating me the way she did. But I decided not to, because all it would really do is hurt her more and prove that I'm just as weak and lacking in character as she was. I won't continue to play the part of the victim, and neither should you. What he thinks or how he feels dosen't matter now. Be your own boss and prove to yourself that you are better than some petty grievances left behind by someone that was in your life, for a time. hey BM, i'm not sure I like your tone here. Are you insinuating that because I have been forthcoming with my x about the damage that he has done and continues to do to me and my kids that I am somehow lacking in character? Malarkey! Why shoudn't they know? He brought my fury and despair on himself. He didn't marry and have children with a girl with a friggin' stiff upper lip. And anyway, like I said, no matter what I say he writes it all off anyway or at least resents me for pointing out that he's a narcissistic jerk. After what he did to me, if he is struggling with his conscience because of something I said to him, then GOOD. Someone needs to spell it out for him obviously. One day I'll be over this and hopefully I will then be able to treat this horrible experience with benign indifference but until then, he's just going to have to ride this bull**** out with me.
Author Confused9 Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 Nope. I didn't. I just let it be. He knows he's wrong and should pay me...why should I tell him again. He knows what he did was wrong in terms of cheating...what's the point of telling him again I am upset about it. There are so many things I want to say, but what's the point? He doesn't care. If he cared he would call me and apologize. He's made his bed...he can sleep in it with all the sh*t he's created.
Author Confused9 Posted January 16, 2008 Author Posted January 16, 2008 YEah they do. They totally do. But, on a good/scary note. I contact my landlord who is a lawyer regarding our debt together and he is sending my X a letter demanding payment of our debt. I am scared this will make it get uglier but I guess I need to fight for what's mine. I just don't want his parent's to be mad at me. I have tried to be so fair and nice throughout this...while gettting stepped on...but still.
Ronni_W Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 ...I guess I need to fight for what's mine. I just don't want his parent's to be mad at me. Doesn't hurt to be prepared. Let's pretend you HAD to choose one of those two scenarios: What do you want more -- to ensure that you are treated fairly and nicely OR for his parents to think you're fair and nice, and not be mad at you? Obviously we hope that his parents understand both your points of view. But it could come down to a time when you have to know what you really, truly want so that you can make the best choice for yourself. Good luck - I hope the lawyer-landlord's letter works as it's intended
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