flower_fairy11 Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 (edited) Definition: “Unrequited love is love that is not reciprocated, even though reciprocation is usually deeply desired. The beloved may not even be aware of this person's deep feelings for them. This can lead to feelings such as depression, low self-esteem, anxiety, and rapid mood swings between depression and euphoria. In extreme cases it may even lead to suicide. Being such a universal feeling, it has naturally been a frequent subject in popular culture.” This is exactly what I feel. I am in love with a man, and I don’t think it is mutual. My story: We met in the 5th grade. We were 10 years old. Now we’re 26. I’m unhappily married, he’s in a live-in relationship. (I am trying desperately to get out of my marriage. I hate my husband. We never should have gotten married in the first place.) Anyways, I have been in love with the same man since the 5th grade. At the present time, we do not see each other or communicate in anyway. We haven’t for years, but I think about him every single day, wish that things were different, fantasize, hope, daydream… I journal about him a lot. I won’t break up his home, I am not the type, but I want to… I am in love this man so much that it physically hurts. My thoughts are scattered. The bold definition above describes me to a T. I know that I have to get over him before I can move on with my life. I know that I can’t give myself completely to anyone, or to myself, until I get over him. The thing is… I don’t want to, I don’t want anyone else. All I want is him. This whole thing makes me feel psychotic. I want to stalk him and “accidentally” run into him. I want to beg him to give us a chance. I want everything to be different, and I want “us” to have a chance. How can I feel this way for the past 16 years??? Can you find your soul mate when you’re 10yrs old?! How can I feel this way about him, and don’t think that he feels this way about me? Is it really possible to have one-sided feelings that are this strong? What do I do? Someone tell me that this is normal or that I am psycho and need to be hospitalized! Please, answer completely honestly. Tell me what to do!!! Edited January 14, 2008 by flower_fairy11 Wrong header
amaysngrace Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 “Unrequited love is that is not reciprocated, even though reciprocation is usually deeply desired. The beloved may not even be aware of this person's deep feelings for them. This can lead to feelings such as depression, low self-esteem, anxiety, and rapid mood swings between depression and euphoria. In extreme cases it may even lead to suicide. Being such a universal feeling, it has naturally been a frequent subject in popular culture.” This is exactly what I feel. I am in love with a man, and I don’t think it is mutual. My story: We met in the 5th grade. We were 10 years old. Now we’re 26. I’m unhappily married, he’s in a live-in relationship. (I am trying desperately to get out of my marriage. I hate my husband. We never should have gotten married in the first place.) Anyways, I have been in love with the same man since the 5th grade. At the present time, we do not see each other or communicate in anyway. We haven’t for years, but I think about him every single day, wish that things were different, fantasize, hope, daydream… I journal about him a lot. I won’t break up his home, I am not the type, but I want to… I am in love this man so much that it physically hurts. My thoughts are scattered. The bold definition above describes me to a T. I know that I have to get over him before I can move on with my life. I know that I can’t give myself completely to anyone, or to myself, until I get over him. The thing is… I don’t want to, I don’t want anyone else. All I want is him. This whole thing makes me feel psychotic. I want to stalk him and “accidentally” run into him. I want to beg him to give us a chance. I want everything to be different, and I want “us” to have a chance. How can I feel this way for the past 16 years??? Can you find your soul mate when you’re 10yrs old?! How can I feel this way about him, and don’t think that he feels this way about me? Is it really possible to have one-sided feelings that are this strong? What do I do? Someone tell me that this is normal or that I am psycho and need to be hospitalized! Please, answer completely honestly. Tell me what to do!!! Why didn't you marry him in the first place if it was so right? And he you? If you want an honest answer I only have one. Get your head out of your ass. He has a life that doesn't include you. Now you are building a fantasy life including him in it while neglecting the real life you have. Yes. You need to get your head out of your ass.
PinkRibbon Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 You are living in some kind of fantasy. You haven't seen or communicated with him in years??? Yes you are in a bad marriage so you are having a fantasy about someone else. Get over this. It is unhealthy and unproductive.
so_sad Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 You have created a fantasy about what this guy from your childhood is like, and that is what you're in love with. You're not in love with the person, you're in love with this thing that you've created inside your head. It's easy to think that you "love" somebody that you don't actually have any contact with, because they can't hurt you, can't dissapoint you, can't bore you, can't anything. But you don't have a relationship with this man. You have to acknowledge that you're in love with the idea that you've created, not the person himself. I'm not saying that there's no basis in reality for your feelings; plenty of relationships exist between people who fell in love in grade schood, high school, etc... But you have to realize that if you haven't had any communication with him "in years", then you really don't know him and any love you think you might have is based on pure fantasy. If you were both single, I'd say go for it and get in contact with him. But you are MARRIED and he is living with someone. You are letting this fantasy of the perfect man get out of hand because you're in an unhappy relationship. I would suggest focusing on your existing relationship before you even think about another man (especially one that's in a live-in relationship).
bozwa Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Were the two of you ever a couple? I had a similar situation where I thought I was "in love" with a friend of mine I've known for 15 years. I now just don't believe it's love if it's unrequited. Meeting someone (my BF) and truly falling in love (me with him, him with me) showed me truly what love is, and it's not a fantasy you've held onto. A friend of mine once said "the fantasy is ALWAYS better than the reality." I firmly believe this. You've built this guy up so much in your head, you have fabricated him into being the perfect man and most likely you would be disappointed if you ever ended up in a relationship with him. My suggestion to you is to let him go. You've already had no contact with him for years (and why is that?). That's the first step. Time to work on the rest and realize he is a man, flesh and bone. Not someone out of a romance novel.
bozwa Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 You have created a fantasy about what this guy from your childhood is like, and that is what you're in love with. You're not in love with the person, you're in love with this thing that you've created inside your head. It's easy to think that you "love" somebody that you don't actually have any contact with, because they can't hurt you, can't dissapoint you, can't bore you, can't anything. But you don't have a relationship with this man. You have to acknowledge that you're in love with the idea that you've created, not the person himself. I'm not saying that there's no basis in reality for your feelings; plenty of relationships exist between people who fell in love in grade schood, high school, etc... But you have to realize that if you haven't had any communication with him "in years", then you really don't know him and any love you think you might have is based on pure fantasy. If you were both single, I'd say go for it and get in contact with him. But you are MARRIED and he is living with someone. You are letting this fantasy of the perfect man get out of hand because you're in an unhappy relationship. I would suggest focusing on your existing relationship before you even think about another man (especially one that's in a live-in relationship). And ditto.
Ariadne Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Hi, I know that I can’t give myself completely to anyone, or to myself, until I get over him. The thing is… I don’t want to, I don’t want anyone else. All I want is him. This whole thing makes me feel psychotic. I want to stalk him and “accidentally” run into him. And that part would be me. Don't know what to tell you, I'm in the same spot. Stuck. Ariadne
amaysngrace Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Pink Ribbon, so sad and bozwa all said it better than me. I apologize if I was a little bit crass. Although I was just being honest and you did ask for honesty. But I do think it's a really good thing when we can recognize when our own heads are up our own asses without being told that it is. So maybe I helped.
Author flower_fairy11 Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 Yes we were a couple off-and-on till we were 18. We didn't take it any further because of different circumstances that I don't want to get into. It was my fault. I know he's not perfect. And I'm not making him "perfect" in my mind. I fantisize about US... Not how perfect he is. He may not even be good for me. But that doesn't stop me... I love his family, and I think that "love conquers all." Does this change any opinions?! (See, I thold you I need your help!)
Author flower_fairy11 Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 Pink Ribbon, so sad and bozwa all said it better than me. I apologize if I was a little bit crass. Although I was just being honest and you did ask for honesty. But I do think it's a really good thing when we can recognize when our own heads are up our own asses without being told that it is. So maybe I helped. No, thank you for your honesty! That's what I need! I need to hear all of it!!! Every angle, and from people that don't know me!!!!
jdeedee Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Yes we were a couple off-and-on till we were 18. We didn't take it any further because of different circumstances that I don't want to get into. It was my fault. I know he's not perfect. And I'm not making him "perfect" in my mind. I fantisize about US... Not how perfect he is. He may not even be good for me. But that doesn't stop me... I love his family, and I think that "love conquers all." Does this change any opinions?! (See, I thold you I need your help!) Why aren't you two in communication? Did it end badly to the point that he no longer wants a thing to do with you?
amaysngrace Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 You guys were together for a longer time than I thought. I think you just probably connect with him more than anybody else in your life. He probably knows you better than anyone does. So what's the deal? Do you have kids with your husband? Is the love of your life married or heading towards it? Do they have kids? How does he act towards you now that makes you think he doesn't love you anymore? You don't have to answer if you don't want considering I was a little rude to you. I'll understand.
Author flower_fairy11 Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 Nothing is too rude... We promised to be together when he returned home... he was away at school, but in the mean time, we were young, and free to see other people. I got pregnant (with my now husband) and we decided to "do the right thing" and get married, after we got married, we decided to have another child. about a year later, I ran into HIM at a nightclub and we started having an affair. Let me clarify something... I am not the cheating type, never have been. Nor am I a home-wrecker, but every single boyfriend I have ever had, and now even with my husband I have cheated on them with HIM! Back to the story... The affair lasted about 6 months, and STUPIDLY, I wouldn't leave my husband for him, even though he begged and pleaded me to, I wouldn't "because of my kids... I couldn't support them on my own", (they were just babies, my youngest being only a year... )I don't know, I had this ideal in my head, "they needed their mom and dad together", BS like that. Now, not only is my marriage distroying me, but my NEED for this man is as well... SO, obvioulsly, during the course of the affair, my time to spend with him was limited, and he continued to date. That's when he met his now-girlfriend, and she got pregnant, so he ended our affair. I know him... he will give his now-relationship a fighting chance. But I know he's not happy. (i check in with him and his family 1-2x a year.) He doesn't want to speak with me now, because of his girlfriend (understandable.) So I f**ked-up twice. Now what?!
CaliGuy Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Nothing is too rude... We promised to be together when he returned home... he was away at school, but in the mean time, we were young, and free to see other people. I got pregnant (with my now husband) and we decided to "do the right thing" and get married, after we got married, we decided to have another child. about a year later, I ran into HIM at a nightclub and we started having an affair. Let me clarify something... I am not the cheating type, never have been. Nor am I a home-wrecker, but every single boyfriend I have ever had, and now even with my husband I have cheated on them with HIM! Back to the story... The affair lasted about 6 months, and STUPIDLY, I wouldn't leave my husband for him, even though he begged and pleaded me to, I wouldn't "because of my kids... I couldn't support them on my own", (they were just babies, my youngest being only a year... )I don't know, I had this ideal in my head, "they needed their mom and dad together", BS like that. Now, not only is my marriage distroying me, but my NEED for this man is as well... SO, obvioulsly, during the course of the affair, my time to spend with him was limited, and he continued to date. That's when he met his now-girlfriend, and she got pregnant, so he ended our affair. I know him... he will give his now-relationship a fighting chance. But I know he's not happy. (i check in with him and his family 1-2x a year.) He doesn't want to speak with me now, because of his girlfriend (understandable.) So I f**ked-up twice. Now what?! Let it go and move on as best you can. You made these choices, now you must deal with the consequences. I would suggest however that you come clean with your current husband and end the marriage. If not for anything else, but to be fair to him. He deserves to be with someone who loves him for who he is. Yes, it would be bad on the kids. Yes, it goes against everything I stand for but infidelity is one of two reasons God allows for divorce. The "love of your life" has a family now and regardless of the circumstances, he doesn't want contact with you. Bumping into him on purpose, stalking him, etc… none of that will make him change his mind. Only time can do that. And right now he seems content to stay in the relationship he is in. He gave you two chances and both times you chose a different path. For men, we don't like being rejected once let alone twice. Burn me once, shame on you. Burn me twice, shame on ME. He's learned a lesson with you and that is the simple fact you have rejected him twice. I seriously doubt he is going to give you a third chance. As for your feelings of unrequited love, I highly suggest seeking counseling. The feelings you have right now, especially if you do feel on the verge of being suicidal (remember your kids, for they do truly need their mom) is not something to take lightly. Get yourself some help. Seek Counseling then follow the advice the Counselor gives you. Best of luck.
so_sad Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 I am not the cheating type, never have been. Nor am I a home-wrecker, but every single boyfriend I have ever had, and now even with my husband I have cheated on them with HIM! Let me get this straight...you are not the cheating type...yet you've cheated on every single boyfriend you've ever had, as well as your husband? Um, I don't know what you think "the cheating type" is, but that sounds like it to me. I know you realize that this guy isn't perfect, that what you think is perfect is the two of you together. But think about the fact that you said no to him twice. You did that for a reason. It's tempting now to imagine that your life would be so much better with him, but you're probably having these fantasies because you are unhappy in your marriage. Regardless of any of those considerations, I think the bottom line is the fact that he's with someone else and has a family and is trying to make that work. I think it's important to respect that. You would be acting out of selfishness and not thinking about his child or his partner (or even, really, about him). Even more important is the fact that YOU are married. I really think you owe it to your husband and children to try to resolve the issues with your marriage (either by working on improving the relationship, or separating). Obsessing over another man while you're married is not doing any justice to your own family. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you did ask for opinions!
amaysngrace Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Well I am a firm believer in that everything happens for a reason. Even if it doesn't make sense at the time it will down the road. For now I think you have to respect that he's working on his relationship and leave him be to do that. As much as it might hurt you to do that if you love him like you say you do you have to put his feelings first right now. And what's even harder is you have to truly hope it works out for him if that's what makes him happy. You have to want that for him if you really do love him. You never know what time will bring but for now you need to let it go. Be strong. XO
Author flower_fairy11 Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 I know what it sounds like, saying that I am not the cheating type, but cheating... but the point is, YES, I cheated... but it was always with HIM!!!
so_sad Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 I know. I'm just saying that it doesn't make much sense to say you're not the cheating type while acknowledging that you've cheated on everyone you've been with. It doesn't matter that it was with him. I know you're bringing it up to prove the connection/attraction/love you have with him, and clearly there is something there. And I'm sorry that you're in love with someone that you can't have. But as I mentioned before, I think you have to respect the decision he's made and the fact that he has a family. Plus, you have to deal with your own relationship (with your husband). I'd guess that most of the people here (including myself) were or are in love with someone that they thought was the ONLY person they'd ever love. I really hope we're wrong. I really like to believe that there are other people out there - that we haven't even met yet - who we can love even more than we thought possible.
Author flower_fairy11 Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 I know. I'm just saying that it doesn't make much sense to say you're not the cheating type while acknowledging that you've cheated on everyone you've been with. It doesn't matter that it was with him. I know you're bringing it up to prove the connection/attraction/love you have with him, and clearly there is something there. And I'm sorry that you're in love with someone that you can't have. But as I mentioned before, I think you have to respect the decision he's made and the fact that he has a family. Plus, you have to deal with your own relationship (with your husband). I'd guess that most of the people here (including myself) were or are in love with someone that they thought was the ONLY person they'd ever love. I really hope we're wrong. I really like to believe that there are other people out there - that we haven't even met yet - who we can love even more than we thought possible. Thanks, so-sad, but I'm not as sure. I thought I could love 2 men at the same time, thought I could get over HIM, but have come to realize that isn't possible and hasn't happened. If anything, my feelings for HIM have gotten stronger, and my desire deeper. I thought I gave my all to my husband and thought I worked as hard as I could at keeping our family together, but how can you really give everything you have when a part of you is STUCK somewhere else? This marriage never had a chance. When I think of all the **** that has happened, the events leading to the fall of my marriage, I realize it never started off on the right foot. Ghosts have always been a part of it.
fabulousgal Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 why do you capitalize "HIM" like we are speaking of God or something. i think you should figure out what you want from your marriage first. it sounds like you want nothing, but make sure that isn't based on the hope this guy will return to you, as caliguy said you rejected him 2 times.
Author flower_fairy11 Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 why do you capitalize "HIM" like we are speaking of God or something. i think you should figure out what you want from your marriage first. it sounds like you want nothing, but make sure that isn't based on the hope this guy will return to you, as caliguy said you rejected him 2 times. Because I want you to know that I am talking about HIM... NOT my husband... And maybe he is a litle like God to me?! J/K... Im not THAT nuts!!!
guessjeans Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 My god girl, take it from me! If I had spoken up years ago, I wouldnt be missing someone I considered to be my soulmate either. I didnt tell him. We met when I was 16 yrs old, lived common law for 26 yrs, have a 20 yr old son together. Separated because we just began to fight and become distant from each other. I know now, after 4 yrs separated from this man, that I did have in my life as a friend, but loved him from a distance, that I just cant stop loving him. I think we gave up too easily, but now, I think we are both in a better place. The pressures that were upon us at the time, and I think because we were common law relationship, it was much easier to walk away. He moved his parents in with him 3 yrs ago just days before I was going to tell him how I felt. I held back..i didnt want him to chose between me and his parents. I had just put my dad in a home and it was painful. I didnt speak up, and now he is with someone else. Someone that I believe he will be with now, possibily for the rest of his life. He is happy and content. When I finally told him how I felt because I panicked when he told me about this new woman, he said I DIDNT TELL HIM HOW I FELT! and that he loves me, but he is now going in another direction and wants to persue this new relationship and give it a try. Dont ever have any regrets! They will haunt you! Fantasy or not, they are YOUR dreams, YOUR hopes, and you should follow them. Dont ever fear the unknown. Perhaps his relationship isnt all that great either. Perhaps he thinks about you still. But he doesnt want to break up your marriage. I say FIND HIM! Contact him! Start off as just a friend reconnecting..then if you find that he is happy, content, and really never thought about you over these years, then you know you followed your heart. You gave it a try. Dont be like me and live with a regret for the rest of my life..and I will. I will live with my decision everytime I hear about his life from our son, everytime I hear him leave a message on my phone for our son, everytime I see him. FOLLOW your HEART and reconnect with him girl!
Author flower_fairy11 Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 Thank you! But HOW?! How do I reconnect, get into contact with him??? If only he'd give me 5 minutes.... i know EXACTLY what I'd say to him!
CaliGuy Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 Thank you! But HOW?! How do I reconnect, get into contact with him??? If only he'd give me 5 minutes.... i know EXACTLY what I'd say to him! Maybe he doesn't want to be found? Don't let your own personal desires get in his way of being happy. Has that thought occured to you? It's not necessarily about living with or without regrets, but doing the right thing as well. He made it clear he has moved on. Why can't you accept that?
Author flower_fairy11 Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 This post is so good for me... Calli-guy, I really appreciate another man's perspective on this. And everyone else's too. Keep 'em coming. I need the help! Over the years, I have tried my damnedest to get over him. I've tried to forget, I've tried to trick myself, I've tried to get mad at him... as well as many more things that I can't remember right now. Do you really think I WANT to feel this way about him?! No way. I feel like a psychotic, immature, ranting lunatic! This whole thing makes me feel and act crazy! I feel like one of those little girls that no one ever wants to be and never likes. I think about how I feel, and about how there is no way this can be one-sided! How could it be?! And then I think... If I am this miserable, isn't he?! And then I think about how I have coped over the years, and that is not fair to anyone.... Not me, him, my kids or my husband. I have let myself go down-hill, I have lost all motivation, I have played a mind game with myself meanwhile hurting everyone around me. And in the long run... for what?! I feel like if I can just TALK to him, one more time... either to have him tell me to get lost, or whatever... Is that so bad?!
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