jdeedee Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 So this may sound silly but... how do I move on without finding someone new? I've never done it before. I don't know how to get over a person without replacing them in my life...
Jmina Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 me either... i thought i had let her go. but it turns out i had lot a lot of stuff go and became much happier but still i find myself upset that there is no peace between us. or reconciliation. im so cut up on reconciliation! its rediculous. sigh. ive been starting to think that i might be one of the people that wont forget about this untill i really do fall head over heels for somebody new. then she really will be in my past.
Tripper Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 So this may sound silly but... how do I move on without finding someone new? I've never done it before. I don't know how to get over a person without replacing them in my life... Well, JDD, first you don't "move on". You move forward. This means you need to do some work on yourself and figure out what you like and what you want to do and change the things you don't like. Develop some new interests, make some new friends, learn to spend time on your own and do things by yourself. In short learn to be independent. It's not easy, but it will pay off in the long run. And it's ok to mourn the loss of a relationship and grieve for it for awhile. That's a natural reaction. If you simply jump into a new relationship, you really never get closure on the past.
Jmina Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 ive done all of that tripper i can safely say that i have moved 'forward' and stil continue to do so. i have worked on myself and have loved every moment of it. i have figured out what i really love to do, which i didnt know before, and i have changed things also that i dont like. i have new interests, new friends, and i love to spend time on my own now. i am now independent and yes it is the best thing you can do for yourself. But it really hasnt done anything to stop loving my ex. some people just have to accept that they will love them some people see it as a fault in themselves that they just have to live with it and get on that way.
Author jdeedee Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 ive been starting to think that i might be one of the people that wont forget about this untill i really do fall head over heels for somebody new. then she really will be in my past. That's how I've always been, I didn't get over my first girlfriend until I was months inside my second relationship and realised that it was time to move on and treasure what I had in front of me. The pattern repeats itself throughout my dating. Not until I find a new person can I leave my past with my exes behind. ...and I don't like it anymore. I don't like being hung up on these women who have gotten over me long ago. Well, JDD, first you don't "move on". You move forward. This means you need to do some work on yourself and figure out what you like and what you want to do and change the things you don't like. Develop some new interests, make some new friends, learn to spend time on your own and do things by yourself. In short learn to be independent. It's not easy, but it will pay off in the long run. And it's ok to mourn the loss of a relationship and grieve for it for awhile. That's a natural reaction. If you simply jump into a new relationship, you really never get closure on the past. I just feel like I am not only mourning the relationship but I'm getting to the point where I can't stop thinking of my ex and our times together. It's been almost two months since we ended, I doubt she has spent this much time obsessing over me. It's not healthy that I think of her every morning, night, etc. I do have moments of clarity but I have many many more moments of distress and sadness. It's almost bipolar in the switches, I can be really really up and okay and then sometimes minutes later I'm a wreck. I've been taking walks, hot showers, trying to clear my mind. I haven't met any new friends which is really part of the problem. I am having trouble going out and doing things. It's so much easier to sit inside, play video games and watch TV.
Jmina Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 ........... 2 months is nothing.... give yourself a break.
Tripper Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 ........... 2 months is nothing.... give yourself a break. Exactly. It's been said that you need to go through all the seasons ie: a year, for the pain to lessen and finally go away. I certainly found that. Unfortunately there is no short cut and time, and only time will heal it. Don't beat yourself up. Keep getting out and doing things....
Author jdeedee Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 Exactly. It's been said that you need to go through all the seasons ie: a year, for the pain to lessen and finally go away. I certainly found that. Unfortunately there is no short cut and time, and only time will heal it. Don't beat yourself up. Keep getting out and doing things.... A full season? That's harsh. I could see that though, I mean then it's like "I've done this once already, I can do it again." ...but ugh, I hope for my sake I can move on sooner than 10 months from now.
Tripper Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 A full season? That's harsh. I could see that though, I mean then it's like "I've done this once already, I can do it again." ...but ugh, I hope for my sake I can move on sooner than 10 months from now. jdd, the scars are still pretty fresh.. let some time pass and if by 4 or 5 months from now it's not better, you may want to gets some therapy. I spent 2 years in weekly therapy after a 23 year marriage went south. I'm now in a much better place...
Author jdeedee Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 I'm going to weekly therapy right now, actually. Well, my session today was cancelled because of weather so it's pushed back to Wednesday but yea. I know I can get through this without therapy but I need to work on my self esteem and coping mechanisms, I really am just not that good to myself right now. I want to move on but I want to be with her so bad.
InferiorityComplex Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 I have only had to deal with breaking up with someone once. My ex and I were together for quite some amount of time, and it was so hard when we broke up because 1. I was so young. 2. He was a friend of the family and was always around. I did not get over him till about 4 months after we stopped dating and I met a new guy. Whom I am still with after 4 years. So I think it does take something else to get your mind off of it. Same as in the case of trying to stop smoking, you try to do anything you can to make yourself otherwise preoccupied or to forget. Chewing gum, eating licorice, etc. It always gets better in the end, but yes there is a tendency for it to get worse before getting better. Hope everything works out!
Author jdeedee Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 I did not get over him till about 4 months after we stopped dating and I met a new guy. Whom I am still with after 4 years. So I think it does take something else to get your mind off of it. That's the issue I have, I have done this before and it becomes easy to get over a person if you just replace them, which is what I do. Now my main question is who am I really replacing in the end? I can't decide who the initial person is that I am trying to replace... My first girlfriend? My father (?) who didn't abandon me but did leave from a divorce... I have no clue. My mother loved and still loves me very much. I just don't know and don't want to fall into this cycle anymore.
Tripper Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 That's the issue I have, I have done this before and it becomes easy to get over a person if you just replace them, which is what I do. Now my main question is who am I really replacing in the end? I can't decide who the initial person is that I am trying to replace... My first girlfriend? My father (?) who didn't abandon me but did leave from a divorce... I have no clue. My mother loved and still loves me very much. I just don't know and don't want to fall into this cycle anymore. Bingo!!! You have put your finger on the crux of the issue. Most men tend to replace. I fell into that cycle myself until I realized that I was simply trading one amour for another without realizing I didn't know what I wanted in a relationship. Kudos to you for being in therapy. This is your chance to really sort yourself out. You can't be by yourself if you don't like yourself... and if you don't like yourself, how can you expect anyone else to be with you. Soooo... there is light at the end of the tunnel. Again, while your sorting out the issues you raised ... don't beat yourself up. Your human. And you can learn from mistakes and bad experiences...
Author jdeedee Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 Yea its particularly rough because I am seeing all these mistakes I made in the last relationship I had and yea, I'd like -- love to have a second chance to fix them. I apologised to her and I really hope she believes all the words I sent, whether that matters or not. I know I'll find another person and I know I'll be happy and better with them, but I still miss her and am so damn lonely. Not to mention it hurts thinking of her moving on. The whole nine.
CaliGuy Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 So this may sound silly but... how do I move on without finding someone new? This is a problem. You seem to "need" someone in your life and that is essentially why you can not move on. You will never be truly happy IN a relationship until you can make yourself happy OUTSIDE of one. That may not make sense to you now, but how can you expect to make someone happy in relationship (yourself included) if you can't make yourself happy outside of one??? I've never done it before. I don't know how to get over a person without replacing them in my life... Because your happiness is dependent upon someone else and not yourself. Some suggestions: Join a gym and work out at least 45 minutes every day (preferably cardio). Find a ton of new hobbies you have been meaning to do and invest fully in them. Spend lots of time with friends outdoors (hiking, skiing, swimming, etc). Leave the booze/drugs alone (if you do them). Get to Counseling. It's the #1 thing people NEED to do at times like these that they don't do. Remove all reminders of him. Mementos, photos, IM contact, phone numbers, old emails. Remove all the reminders. Go NO CONTACT. That means resisting the urge to contact him no matter what. You can not move on with your life until you put the past behind you. You will never be prime real-estate for someone new until you've learned to make yourself happy and free, complete alone. Cheers.
Author jdeedee Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 Join a gym and work out at least 45 minutes every day (preferably cardio). Find a ton of new hobbies you have been meaning to do and invest fully in them. Spend lots of time with friends outdoors (hiking, skiing, swimming, etc). Leave the booze/drugs alone (if you do them). Get to Counseling. It's the #1 thing people NEED to do at times like these that they don't do. Remove all reminders of him. Mementos, photos, IM contact, phone numbers, old emails. Remove all the reminders. Go NO CONTACT. That means resisting the urge to contact him no matter what. Thanks for the advice Cali. I'm happy to say I've been doing a lot of your suggestions, therapy, cardio (walking for 30 minutes a day), I'm sober for 2 years now and am pretty steadfast on the NC. The mementos are my big issue. I've been like this with every girlfriend. I don't have visible mementos but I do have tons of reminders everywhere. I turn my life into a reminder of the person. When I break up with a girl my tastes change, or at least I change my tastes. I buy food they liked, books the read, listen to music they liked, toothpaste, etc. It is really creepy when I think about it intently. It's almost like I am idolizing them. Anybody have suggestions on how I can undo this idolization process? I mean this in a nondestructive way. I am not going to burn the mementos I have of her, perhaps pack them away in a box and put it in storage?
sedgwick Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 (edited) what are you doing on a day-to-day basis that you're really, really passionate about? after my last big breakup, i started taking dance classes, and now i've been bellydancing for four years and am beginning to perform. my latest thing after this breakup? gymnastics! i did it as a kid and have always missed it, and i found an adult gymnastics class and have gone back. i can still do the splits, back walkovers, front walkovers, cartwheels, and roundoffs, which feels damn good for 36-almost-37 years old. i'm just realizing that even if he can't love me for who i am, i can love myself. i don't think i'll ever get over him, but after six months i feel at least a little better. i don't cry every single day or dream about him every single night anymore. at two months i was still a complete and utter wreck. give yourself a break. i dumped all my ex's stuff the very day he left me. everything. deleted all emails, deleted him from my phone, took his clothes to the goodwill, threw out every gift he ever gave me (except for a vintage camera that i can't throw away because it's awesome, but i hid that deep in the closet and will use it again someday if i ever get over him.) threw out his toothbrush, his underwear, all the CDs he gave me, tore the stickers from his band off the back of my door, EVERYTHING. GONE. i've done this with all my exes (except my ex-husband, who is my best friend still and it was an amicable divorce.) i don't want him taking up any space in my apartment if he's not in my life. Edited January 14, 2008 by sedgwick
Author jdeedee Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 what are you doing on a day-to-day basis that you're really, really passionate about? after my last big breakup, i started taking dance classes, and now i've been bellydancing for four years and am beginning to perform. my latest thing after this breakup? gymnastics! i did it as a kid and have always missed it, and i found an adult gymnastics class and have gone back. i can still do the splits, back walkovers, front walkovers, cartwheels, and roundoffs, which feels damn good for 36-almost-37 years old. i'm just realizing that even if he can't love me for who i am, i can love myself. i don't think i'll ever get over him, but after six months i feel at least a little better. i don't cry every single day or dream about him every single night anymore. at two months i was still a complete and utter wreck. give yourself a break. I've been slacking on the things I love to do. I've played a lot of video games with my roommate and his girlfriend. I justify it as a semi social thing, we're playing together. It's just a bit unproductive. I should play piano more as that has an end product (I will be a better keyboardist). I've justified the video games because I'm on winter break so hey, it's time to relax a little.
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