virtucon Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 (edited) Went out with this girl for a few months. I fell in love with her. She broke up with me about 3 weeks ago and I'm having a hard time recovering. We still make good friends and agreed to maintain our friendship. For the first week, we continued to talk like usual and hung out together. Now suddenly for the past week 2 weeks it seems like we talk about 20% of what we use to talk and don't hang out at all. I know at her work, she is super busy now. Also, it took a little bit, but she told me her ex (who ended their relationship in a very bad way) came back 2 weeks ago, reiterating his apology and saying he has issues. No, she did not break up with me for her ex and I think she is only feeling things out with him right now and she still tries to protect my feelings by not mentioning him or being vague about what she is doing or what's going on in her life, but for some reason this seems to hurt more. I also tried to get her back about the same time the ex came back (not knowing this). I can't tell if she is putting distance between us, because she is really busy and/or she said she doesn't want to give me false hope and/or her ex is back in the picture and/or she can't deal with both of us at the same time. It hurts anyway. I still love her and it hurts that we're not together anymore. It hurts that the ex can come back in her life after what he did and take a priority in her life so easily. I know I have no right to feel the way I feel about her relationship with her ex, but I do. I thought I was getting better, because I got most of my appetite back and was able to sleep a little more each night. But now I'm back to not being able to sleep. Still got my appetite though. I know staying good friends right after breaking up is usually not a good idea, but we really do make good friends. Sorry for the disjointed rant. I'm just messed up. Please no other fish in the sea comments. I've heard enough of those. Edited January 14, 2008 by virtucon
CaliGuy Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Please no other fish in the sea comments. I've heard enough of those. So are you here to get the advice you WANT to hear or the advice you NEED to hear? Both are completely different. If you are "tired" of hearing certain things it means your mind is closed to other possibilities and healing can not take place. So here's my advice. You MUST go no contact with her. As long as you are "buddies" you will not heal. Get to a gym, every day and do at least 45 minutes of cardio work. Remove all reminders of her. Find new hobbies you've been meaning to do. Invest a lot of time outdoors with friends (skiing, hiking, etc). Lay off the booze/drugs. Get to Counseling (I don't care if you don't think you need it, go anyway). Accept that it's over, it is what is is, and take notes of all her bad qualities and write them down. You may be surprised to realize she was never a good fit for you to begin with.
fabulousgal Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 i feel you dude. the guy i was dating RAN back to his ex like a little b* when she showed signs of life. just a few weeks before, the relationship was described as was "horrible". i didn't try to go the friend route. why the hell should i or you take a demotion bc of some ex who walked off to begin w? its beyond me. cg is right. cut it off. maintain some value in this. you don't need to entertain someone in your life who is so easily swayed. i totally understand the cliche comments and how you just want to beat your head into the wall when people say them. the one thought that has helped me get through this: everyone plays the fool and unfortunatley it was my turn this time. why leave something good for something that broke? that is their demon, not yours or mine. pick yourself up off the ground, at least in front of her, and walk off. she knows where to find you if she comes to her senses, but something tells me (bc of how i am feeling lately) you'd chuckle to yourself if she ever does w a "b* please".
Author virtucon Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 Thanks. I should probably elaborate our relationship a little more. It will probably make me sound a little pathetic, but hey that is what love does. We meet because we have a passion for a particular interest, this interest is also shared by her ex. He doesn't particularly care for the group that I hang with, but she likes them and he came along a few times for her. So to begin. I dated her a few times about 16 months ago, she also was dating the ex at the same time. After a few dates, she started to brush me off and ignore me for a few weeks. She finally told me that she was dating this other guy and she was going to go out with him exclusively. No big deal. So I don't really talk to her for the next month. Then we started to talk again once in a while, then a little more often as time went by. Nothing serious though. About 4 or 5 months later, I find out on my own that she is engaged to this guy. She never bothers to mention this to me, which is okay because it is up to her if she wants to tell me or not. We still talk a bit as usual. Then one month later, she contacts me and tells me she needs a friend and that her ex had just dumped her and she is in another time zone away from her ex. So, I'm the good friend and support her. They try to work it out the next few weeks. She avoids telling me this for a little while, because she knows I still like her. I tell her I value our friendship and I don't want to be a rebound guy. Well things don't work out with her ex and we start talking a lot more and hanging around bit. About month and a half later, we start flirting around a bit and decide to try dating despite her reservation about our friendship. We take it slow and easy and about a month later, we are bf and gf. Things are great while we were dating and the first month we are a couple. She mentions once in a while that she's emotionally fragile right now and wants to take it slow. Understandable, considering what happened. A month later, she questions where the passion is in our relationship and she's not feeling the chemistry. She decides to give it a chance to grow. A month later, she breaks up with me saying her heart just isn't feeling it. I know this doesn't put her in the best light, but she has had a tough time with past relationships and is a little scarred by them. She has always been honest with me, but she does avoid trying to tell me things that she thinks will hurt my feelings though. And no, she didn't just have me around to have somebody around or a backup. We do make good friends also and she is a great person. Some of reasons I'm having a hard time getting over her is that I did fall in love with her and she almost fits the mold of everything I want in a significant other. I didn't want to hear the more fish in the sea bit, because it is so hard to find someone who shares the same passion as you, especially when that passion consumes a large part of your time and is male dominated. Well, I don't think I'm going to have a choice in the NC thing, because we are talking less and less which probably means things are going well with the ex. I just don't understand how it is so easy for him to get back into her life. I guess she's still in love him. We are still going to see and talk to each other because of the mutual group we belong to though and like I said we do make good friends. I know some of you are probably going to say I should have seen this coming, but love is blind.
Recommended Posts