Confused9 Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Okay...so after crying, screaming, and asking why for the past 3 1/2 months I think I am ready to put my big girl panties on and move on or at least try to move on from my devestating break up. My x Fiance is not the man I thought he was and as many of you pointed out I am lucky we did not get married/have children. I am still nervous about making ends meat since he stopped paying me back the money he owes, but I have applied to a bunch of jobs and will hopefully get one soon. But, now what...do I email him and tell him to never speak to me again? This si what I want to do. Do I send him an email saying how I feel? I never really did because I was so scared he would get mad and stop paying me back. I want to send him something to try and slap him back in to reality...is that not even logical? I just don't know where to start now. Do I just leave it alone and let him go? How do I start this process?!?
ElvenPriestess Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 You may want to send him an email about your feelings, but what good would it do? Look at the way he's been treating you. You already can see how he feels. Or lack there of. I don't think sending him an email would do any good. It's not going to do you any good because you know he won't really listen, and would probably reply in anger, IF he replies at all. Gotta leave it be. Don't give him the satisfaction. Focus on getting your own life back on track.
Author Confused9 Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 It's just so hard for me to understand that he just doesn't care. I don't even understand how that is possible. I really don't. That's whats hardest for me to understand and thats what's hardest for me to get over I think. The fact that he just doesn't care. I don't understand that at all.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 You're like me. When he gives the cold heart attitude, I think to myself 'Why can't he just care? At least show that he acknowledges I have feelings too, and can care enough to care that I've been hurting.' It's not that you want to go back to things, or that you can't move on, it's that you want to know that you didn't waste your time. That you DID give what you gave to some one who at LEAST cares about you as a person. If they don't, then we end up asking ourselves what have I done, and deep seeds of regret are sewn. Regret is something none of us wants. That's what I think you're dealing with and why.
Author Confused9 Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 EXACTLY!!!!! That is what the issue is. I want to believe that he is acting the way that he is because of guilt and shame and it's just easier to put the blame on me...but I really don't know if that is true. I just don't get it.
curiousnycgirl Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 I think you've done all the emailing you need to do. At this point you need to contact a lawyer about the $'s he owes you and see if you have any recourse. If so have all communication go through your lawyer. If not - I'm sorry to say you need to move on. Just letting him go/walking away is what is best for you, and if it makes you feel any better, itmight have the added benefit of driving him nuts too.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 EXACTLY!!!!! That is what the issue is. I want to believe that he is acting the way that he is because of guilt and shame and it's just easier to put the blame on me...but I really don't know if that is true. I just don't get it. he sad thing is that when people are out for only themselves they don't think the way you and I and other compassionate people do, and people like us suffer. It's a harsh fact, but there's nothing we can do but pity them. As they'll have to go through life not having the life they could have had with people like us who truly care.
Author Confused9 Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 Thanks to you both. This is so frustrating. It really is. This kid always seemed to care for me. I feel like I have been dooped for 7 years! It's just so hard. I hate it!!!
ElvenPriestess Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 One day, the anger WILL be gone. You will be over him, be stronger, and realize that even though he turned out like this, you take the experience with you. Some people just can't be changed, even in their own best interest. You STILL came out on top.
Author Confused9 Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 I know but what caused him to turn in to this man he is now? I just don't get the sudden change? It's like he cheated on me and now he hates me. I don't get it. That is the hardest thing. I know you can't answer me because you aren't him but where did I go wrong? I gave him everything he needed...and he betrayed me. Now this with the $$$. It's like...where is his heart? I don't understand. I think I may email him...jsut to make myself feel better. I will post what I want to write and see waht you all say.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 You say "turn into." For all you know he was always like this, and it just manifested itself after being held back for so wrong. And you may have done nothing wrong. You have to realize that some people supress things for a long time. I had an ex-stepdad that did that. 9 years with my mom and his true old ways came out. You could have been perfect to him and it wouldn't matter as much as you may think.
Author Confused9 Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 That may be true but he's blaming me. Saying, he should have left sooner, he never loved me, etc. I mean...that hurts so bad. I just want to know if he realizes what he's doing is wrong and feels bad? I want that apology. I want to know that he regrets it and I want my @$#%$#%$#@%#@$ money! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
ElvenPriestess Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Take a deep breath. Relax. Be calm. Stop thinking about it for a moment, just breathe. Think about something else. What time is it where you're at?
Author Confused9 Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 It's 11:37 AM. I am trying not to think of it, I really am. It's just so hard. What's your story? What brought you to LS?
ElvenPriestess Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 It's 11:37 AM. I am trying not to think of it, I really am. It's just so hard. What's your story? What brought you to LS? Ah, two things. One thing I google searched, and this site came up, then I read through and wanted to share my story on the H wanting divorce, and all the junk I'd been through. Then I fell in love with helping others. Have you had lunch yet?
Author Confused9 Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 So are you divorced? Or did things work out for you. I have not had lunch yet. Not really hungry. I'm on the heartbreak diet!
ElvenPriestess Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 So are you divorced? Or did things work out for you. I have not had lunch yet. Not really hungry. I'm on the heartbreak diet! Nope, notta working out, every time I tried it just blew up. So that's that, gotta live life. Move on to happiness again. You need a toasted roast beef and cheese sandwich.
Author Confused9 Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 Yeah, I hear ya. Sometimes it's just not worth it to work things out I guess. Was infidelity involved? I actually just ate a half a sandwich. Not roastbeef and cheese, but I ate. : )
ElvenPriestess Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Yeah, I hear ya. Sometimes it's just not worth it to work things out I guess. Was infidelity involved? I actually just ate a half a sandwich. Not roastbeef and cheese, but I ate. : ) Not physically, told a girlfriend of a friend of his about his sexual fantasies for her and how he's b**t off to her. Yep, while he was drunk no less. No excuse. Then lied about using porn every day while I had no sex, and lied about emails to ex g/fs, so yeah, that did it for me. I'm so happy you ate something! And proud of you too:)
Author Confused9 Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 WOW... mine is an alcoholic, was yours? How long were you married? I am proud of how strong you were. I hope to gain strength from this and not allow people to walk all over me. That would be great! How long have you been going through this? Do you still talk to your x? Are you happy now? Did you feel like you could ever be happy again? do you feel your better off?
jdeedee Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Not physically, told a girlfriend of a friend of his about his sexual fantasies for her and how he's b**t off to her. Yep, while he was drunk no less. No excuse. Then lied about using porn every day while I had no sex, and lied about emails to ex g/fs, so yeah, that did it for me. I'm so happy you ate something! And proud of you too:) See that stuff I can't understand. If you are with someone you try, you either don't have sex and they don't have sex or you breakup or you both stay intimate. You don't download porn and whack it while your wife is in the next room going without.
whichwayisup Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 You wait until he contacts you, then write him back and tell him that you no longer wish to hear from him. Short, and to the point and EMOTIONLESS. If you come off to him like you couldn't care less, it will make you feel better. Showing emotion now either by phone or email, or even through a text message only feeds him and makes him feel powerful.
jdeedee Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 WOW... mine is an alcoholic, was yours? Have you considered going to an Al-Anon meeting? The fact that he has a drinking problem also explains a LOT of his behavior. I think you would really benefit from going to a couple of meetings.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 WOW... mine is an alcoholic, was yours? How long were you married? I am proud of how strong you were. I hope to gain strength from this and not allow people to walk all over me. That would be great! How long have you been going through this? Do you still talk to your x? Are you happy now? Did you feel like you could ever be happy again? do you feel your better off? Well we're in the midst of everything, you know, but he asked me to stick it out and accept things and bla bla and I said no. First time i ever stood up to him. He did have a drinking problem, not so much anymore. Married 10 months. Getting the proceedings done, getting out of here and back to the states, it's all work in progress. When the trust dies, the marriage dies.
LakesideDream Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Confused, you say you are putting on your "big girl panties" and are ready to "move on" but are you? This new thread is re-hashing all the old stuff. You ex is not going to turn into the thoughtful grieving, guilty guy. Not going to happen. He is going to be who he is, moving through life satisfied with what he's doing. That's the way it is. He has no guilt because he's doing what he wants to do. Sad but true. Are you doing what you want to do?
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