phattlewt Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 a friend who shows her true personality and gains a "friend with benefits"? To start off, i'm bipolar, have depression, and have maladaptive personality disorder. This is generally irrelevant, so I'll skip on a life-story-thing. I'm also a big prude. I would never do anything with a girl that might regret it the next morning. I've never identified with the whole "teenage scene", but i'm being forced into it. Without it, i'd have to spend the rest of my youth on the computer. A while ago I had a very short infatuation with a girl I'll refer to as "Angela". I would think about her most of the day, which continued for a solid couple weeks. A lot of this obsession was because the rest of my life seemed quite dull, and the only interesting thing going on happened to be angela. I've been over this puppy love since October though... or so I thought. Skip a couple months, and i'm decent friends with angela. I knew she was never a modest girl, but I never viewed her as a whore. She was never like that around anyone I knew. Around December, generic teenager gossip comes around, but this one took a mild turn. She had started making out with guys at parties through truth or dare, after getting "incredibly drunk". I was a tad upset, so I knew I wasn't entirely over angela. She didn't pursue anything farther after making out though. She calls them "drunken regrets". She says she's never slept with anyone recently either. Recently, this has become more and more of a constant thing. I hadn't known her like this before. She still maintains the excuse "i'm drunk", and I still remain aggravated. I've had my fair share of drinking, but never have I had the complete lack of control she proclaims herself to have. This triggered a hunch in my mind that she enjoys the sexual attention, and uses "i'm drunk" as an excuse. From what I can tell, noone else is seeming to identify this. A couple weeks ago she had bashed a certain guy for being a player and "doing" some things with her best friend, and blaming him for it. Later on, she cuts him a little bit of slack by saying "it takes two to tango". Tonight, she says she might use him for sex, because he's been trying to get in her panties for quite a while. This just came as a bit of a shock to me. She said it would never go any farther than "friends with benefits", but viewing her as someone who would just sleep with a guy because "he's easy and he's got experience" just aggravated me. It's been quite a while since October and I thought I had been over angela, but this is making me think twice. She's actually hanging out with him tonight, and I don't even want to know how it goes. My internal reaction is confusing me. If I had no history of liking angela, my response would still be "don't do it", but I am not sure if I would be so upset over it. The other way to interpret this is that I have a lack of interesting material in my life, and I immediately obsess over whatever pops up. I can't drop angela as a friend yet. She loses them left and right because she's self centered (she's hot, and in the local area there aren't many hot women, causing her to get mass loads of kiss-up), but the situation is different for me. If I had a large selection of friends to choose, I doubt I would pick her. But out of personal gain, she's my only link to grabbing other friends. If I stop hanging out with her, I'm going to be chained to my room until I get a job, which won't occur for a month or so. By chaining myself to my room, my depression and bipolar ALWAYS get to me, and i'm 99% sure i'd spend it in complete misery and return to deep suicidal thoughts. I cannot afford this until i'm capable of coping skills and self-sufficiency. Concluding, I've lost most of my respect for who I thought she was. My question is if my upset reaction means I'm still a bit fond of her, or if I have a valid reason as a friend. I also don't know if I should stop hanging out with her to the extent I do because our values headbash eachother. PS: It's very late tonight and my grammar may be a tad incorrect. I'll edit in the morning.
SeraBella Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 It's probably a bit of both...one you have feelings for her as more than a friend, and two you just care for her as a friend. No one wants good friends to make poor decisions. Althought Angela sounds like she has a lot going for her, it sounds like she has very little self respect, and low self esteem.
Author phattlewt Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 I have to admit I never understood the "lack of self esteem" thing. I imagine you're right though. She's hot and knows she is, but her pulling these stunts just led me to believe she's just horny. She IS generally quiet around groups of people though, which basically tells everyone that guys try to get with her solely for her body. I also forgot to mention i'm a VERY nice guy. Another reason that me and her would never work is because i give too much, and from what I can tell that's a sign of weakness for a guy. Despite women saying that they want a nice guy, they never do, emotionally and biologically. For example: a guy i've been an acquaintance with for a little bit was going to go to jail for a SPEEDING ticket. He was a very good friend of Angela as well. I felt terribly bad for him since it was something so small to get something that bad on his record, so I loaned him $100 bucks (i have plenty of money) to keep him safe (he's paying me back of course). This will get me a lot of respect from the area, but makes me sound even more like a nice guy. I also felt bad for Angela being so depressed about a previous relationship which led her to starve herself in addition to her lacking money to eat in general. I spent about 20 bucks on her for that. To me, this seems enough to drop me as a possible option for a deeper friendship. I'm not bad looking. I get hit on by women and gay guys a lot (i'm very straight though), but my previous history is tainted by me being very quiet, emotional, and reclusive. This reputation leads on until today, even though I have changed a great deal. Months ago I would freak out if someone touched me when I wasn't expecting it, but now I embrace it. But the reputation issue jumps quickly because I live in a small area. Everyone knows eachother, and everything is so dull here that drama bombs obliterate the area and gossip flies throughout the town so quickly that people i've never met know who I am. My next question is how to redeem myself from this quiet reputation. It seems so awkward calling up someone I haven't hung out with in months.
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