spookie Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 There are so many aspects to a successful match-up that sometimes my head spins. If you had to pick 4 things that you thought were most important, would it be: -respect -shared values -common interests -desire for similar lifestyles -chemistry -good genetics -trustworthiness -similar allocation of free time -similar sense of humor/ POV on the world -understanding of your worst hurts/fears/most painful insecurities (emotional intimacy) -other Is it possible to have a successful relationship with some aspects missing? (If my parents' 25-year moderately-happy marriage, built entirely on respect and desire for similar lifestyles, can be an example, I think the answer is yes.) For me, it's probably chemistry, good genetics, understanding, and respect; but I notice for friends I go for similar allocation of free time, similar senses of humor, and common interests; and I'm actually happy when I'm with my friends, which makes me wonder if I'm setting myself up for bad romantic choices with the criteria I have for long-term relationships.
desertguy Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 There are so many aspects to a successful match-up that sometimes my head spins. If you had to pick 4 things that you thought were most important, would it be: -respect -shared values -common interests -desire for similar lifestyles -chemistry -good genetics -trustworthiness -similar allocation of free time -similar sense of humor/ POV on the world -understanding of your worst hurts/fears/most painful insecurities (emotional intimacy) -other Is it possible to have a successful relationship with some aspects missing? (If my parents' 25-year moderately-happy marriage, built entirely on respect and desire for similar lifestyles, can be an example, I think the answer is yes.) For me, it's probably chemistry, good genetics, understanding, and respect; but I notice for friends I go for similar allocation of free time, similar senses of humor, and common interests; and I'm actually happy when I'm with my friends, which makes me wonder if I'm setting myself up for bad romantic choices with the criteria I have for long-term relationships. I can't choose just 4 out of that list. But I can perhaps list them in importance to me (and some of my own personal factors of my own) 1.) Chemistry 2.) Intelligence 3.) Similar temperment 4.) Shared values 4.) Desire for similar lifestyles 5.) Good gentetics 5.) Trustworthiness 6.) Similar sense of humor/ POV on the world There's a lot of others, and I consider all of those above to be traits to be very important, the presence or absence of one is a deal (breaker/maker) for me personally, which is maybe why I'm still single into my 30's. I hear what you're saying spookie, if we weren't so damn picky about every little thing (or at least as much as maybe our parents' generation), there might not be so much angst/depression/whatever in regards to relationships for us in our present time. Who knows? I've thought a lot about this myself, actually. We have a lot more freedom than our parents, but a lot more of everything, including heartache mixed in. You take the good with the bad...
BUENG1 Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 There are so many aspects to a successful match-up that sometimes my head spins. If you had to pick 4 things that you thought were most important, would it be: -respect -shared values -common interests -desire for similar lifestyles -chemistry -good genetics -trustworthiness -similar allocation of free time -similar sense of humor/ POV on the world -understanding of your worst hurts/fears/most painful insecurities (emotional intimacy) -other Is it possible to have a successful relationship with some aspects missing? (If my parents' 25-year moderately-happy marriage, built entirely on respect and desire for similar lifestyles, can be an example, I think the answer is yes.) For me, it's probably chemistry, good genetics, understanding, and respect; but I notice for friends I go for similar allocation of free time, similar senses of humor, and common interests; and I'm actually happy when I'm with my friends, which makes me wonder if I'm setting myself up for bad romantic choices with the criteria I have for long-term relationships. Maybe a stupid question but what do you mean by genetics? Do you mean intelligence etc? Id say chemistry,respect, trustworthiness, and shared values.
Author spookie Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 Maybe a stupid question but what do you mean by genetics? Do you mean intelligence etc? Id say chemistry,respect, trustworthiness, and shared values. Intelligence, good looks, but also (and I realize this is kind of psycho) propensity for good health, lack of family history of cancer/ heart disease/ mental illness, and things like good eyesight and strong teeth. I want smart, cute, healthy babies. And a partner who will outlive me. TBH (this is psycho as well) but it was really hard for me to get over my ex simply cause with him, I always thought I could have the perfect babies.
BlueEyedGirl Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 I have read once that we feel "soulmate attraction" to people who share or even understand our deepest fears, hurts, insecurities, flaws... I tend to agree with this, and if I could find one man who can understand me and who I can be 100% myself with, he can pretty much be missing a head and I would still marry him. However since that is next to impossible, I would settle for hot physical chemistry/sex, that's kind of easier to find
desertguy Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 BlueEyedGirl, perfection doesn't exist in nature, as much as our starryeyed fantasies wish it to be be so.... Wouldn't you want your ideal mate to understand BOTH your highest hopes AND your darkest fears, your whole being, in essence? I've probably opened a philisophical Pandora's Box, by saying that, but as much as we express the negative aspects of love here(which we all know far too well), we tend to forget the positive( or perhaps we've experienced it, and the absence pains us, at least it does for me for me in my case, but I see other couples apparently blissfully in love), the joys as well? I see spookie's initial point: whether or not our parents are actually happier in love than us, are they really? Do they know something us we don't? Who knows? It's worth asking.
amaysngrace Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 I think connection on all levels is important. But I think the one that is most important is acceptance. And it's very true that you can't give someone something you don't have. So if you don't accept yourself, flaws and all, then you can never be fully accepting of another. I think acceptance is what makes love grow.
Tony T Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 -respect - Essential. You must have it or the relationship won't work. -shared values - Absolutely. There can be no compromise here. -common interests - Important but not completely essential. You can have a good relationship if you respect the interests of the other person. It takes very mature people to do this. There are got to be some shared interests or you wouldn't have began dating in the first place. -desire for similar lifestyles - Essential for some couples, not for others. People do have expectations and there is a severe danger of disappointment in a relationship if those aren't met, as insane as expectations are. I expect to win the lottery. -chemistry - Absolutely essential for a relationship to be successful. The scary thing is, as in all chemicals their intensity diminishes over time. You can totally lose it for someone you formerly went crazy over. Just happens! -good genetics - It's nice to have and good for having kids but not essential for a great relationship. -trustworthiness - One of the most important things. You can't have any kind of relationship or friendship if you don't trust the other person. If that's gone, it won't work. How many people out there are truly trustworthy? Problem is, though there are lots it only takes ONE TIME to do something screwy and that trust is GONE!!! -similar allocation of free time - If that doesn't exist, you don't even start dating the person usually. -similar sense of humor/ POV on the world - This is important but it can develop over time. I'm not sure just how essential it is, really depends on the people. -understanding of your worst hurts/fears/most painful insecurities (emotional intimacy) - Sadly, this element is missing in many relationships. There are so many selfish people who simply are unable to be empathetic or to even make themselves available emotionally on this level to another person. I would also like to say you cannot have a healthy relationship with someone who is selfish. A great many people are these days and that's terrifying to me.
Leoni Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 spook, try not to cookie-cut relationships. What's a high priority for one person, might be meaningless to someone else. More importantly, how can you work together with a sane and reasonable individual, to create a lasting and functional relationship? All terms used in this post are subjective, particularly the words, functional, reasonable, and sane.
EYECANDY000 Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 cant pick all of them? thats a tuffy . because I choose all of them.. Wowzwers!!!
quankanne Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 a strong, open line of communication is best, followed by • respect/loyalty • common life goals & interest • sexual compatability • sense of humor
torranceshipman Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Chemistry, respect, shared values, intelligence Failing that, a love of cheerleading, american football and a hot, hot body would do (-;
halfarock Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 A common question that I ask myself whenever I connect up with a woman is what it is that makes me like her and her like me, what it is that makes us work as a couple. Though I can typically come up with several things, I always come to the conclusion that it is just because. Of all the choices in your list I’d have to go with chemistry. With my girlfriend I can say that we communicate well, that we have a lot in common, that we admire each other, that we have a similar outlook on the world, similar hopes and dreams and a long list of things. Still, in the end it’s the chemistry, when we’re together it just feels right – and it’s been like that since we first met. Everything else is just an extension of that.
shadowplay Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 respect chemistry understanding of your worst hurts/fears/most painful insecurities (emotional intimacy) common interests
pandagirl Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 1.) Chemistry 2.) Similar sense of humor 3.) intelligence 4.) Trustworthiness gotta have someone i can laugh with all the time!
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