How would you feel?

[Jmina]

oh i need advice. this is mega long im sorry but it has to be. can someone help me. how would you feel if you recieved this?? im pretty set on sending it. i feel i need to as i really do feel misunderstood.

 

 

 

 

Hi,

I hope this finds you well. My purpose for this is to bring peace. I’m not interested in anything that doesn’t come from the heart.

I saw Lianne the other day, and I just remembered a lot. She greeted me with such a warm hug and told me she missed me, it was really lovely. I miss her a lot too. I miss hanging out with you guys – you were all my friends, I felt I had found some friends that were much more like me. (And I know you know how hard it is to feel like you just ‘fit’)…. none of my friends talk about sex as much as I do. Or act like retards, play games etc. the way you guys hang out I can’t find that again. I honestly say that I haven’t been able to find fun again. Not like it used to be. We had fun.

 

I’m not going to beg for friendship, because I don’t want to be friends with anyone that I have to talk into being friends with me; it would have to come from you – 100% and well it might not be the right time now. It might not ever happen. I have learnt and am still learning to go with the flow. Everything is just how it is meant to be right now. For better or for worse gifts will be brought!

 

Being aware that before we spoke you weren’t interested in friendship I will be brave and say I think I would like to have you guys back in my life again, and I would like you back in my life again – not necessarily now, but sometime. Even if it was just a chat every now and then. I don’t want to force anything that isn’t real or just for the sake of doing so. It would have to be a new friendship with new dynamics. However I believe that it probably would sort itself out. Life is really short and people should know where they stand with each other if it brings some peace.

 

I have been feeling that if we were face to face I would be very insecure to how you feel about me. Going by our last conversation. The most that I have struggled with is the thought that you really do hate me, despise me, and resent me. I don’t really care if you still think I am a psycho. That doesn’t bother me, because for the record...I know I’m really not .I didn’t have any grip and I was at the lowest point before a big life lesson jumped in. I just found it hard to believe that I am on the list of the people you find the hardest to forgive like your uncle. I was really upset and angry with them for how they treated you, god it made my blood boil …and then I found myself right next to them in your corner or hurt.

 

I understand if you haven’t yet been able to find some peace in relation to me. My one wish for you is to find all the peace of mind in the world regarding anything and everything. It doesn’t mean we have to be friends, but knowing you’re your happy, truly happy- That makes me happy.

I care about you. A lot. I do. I can’t help but feel it. You’re just important to me. Even if I’m your enemy. There is nothing I can do about it, but I can still keep my heart open. To everyone. Including you. Shutting it off will only hurt me in the end.

 

 

 

After a lot of time, it’s clear to me that everything really does happen for a reason. It forced me to really get a grip on myself. I gained so much. Everything that I lacked in that relationship I now have.

Now I know why you used to say: “you need a hobby!”

At the time it was impossible for me to get and maintain a hobby. I was too miserable, very down and out. Very insecure about us. All I did was live for you. I was constantly worrying about you hoping that you were coping okay, hoping that WE were okay (this was when you were in whyalla) I thought you were 100% upset about your circumstances. Not about my insecurities which did put pressure on you. My whole mind set was way off whack! I was sending the wrong coordinates for myself! What I totally didn’t see is that what was a dilemma or major concern for me was just a passing thought for you!

 

I’m truly sorry. I know it sounds dumb and probably doesn’t count for anything, but I didn’t know.

 

I didn’t know. I hadn’t learnt anything to know. It was my first shot at loving someone but at the same time I didn’t know how to love me first! It’s true. You can’t love anybody until you love yourself. Well I can say I loved you with all my heart, but the thing is love won’t allow it to work if the ‘work’ hasn’t been done on yourself yet. I have always had love for myself, I’ve had self esteem and confidence, but there were many ways in which I practiced not loving the self. What I lacked I tried to find it in you.

 

I can say that I now know.

 

I can see how I pushed you away every time I lost a grip on myself and then tried to find it in you. I was constantly searching. Like I was forever treading water. And I couldn’t get my own footing, instead I was looking for a place to stand with you, but it was too much strain and we would both end up treading water. It’s tiresome. And head chatty. And it was never ending! Everybody is meant to and should have their own place to stand on- whether in a relationship or not. Since I’ve been alone, I have been able to see and gain that.

I’m not sure how you knew that no contact was the best way to go. Maybe its common sense for some! In my situation I wanted to talk about it. Which we did but I know there should have been much more time apart. It was a tool that I didn’t know about and I am sorry as I didn’t see the value that no contact has. I do now. I can see you desperately tried for it to happen, and you were so angry and frustrated that I couldn’t do it. I really couldn’t do it. No matter how much I allowed you to hurt me I had to get a grip on myself first and that took time. You were right. I was wrong.

 

 

 

 

There were so many other things that were wrong. I put my hand up for manipulating you. I kind of knew that I had a way to get you to make me feel better but I didn’t know that it was wrong, because the part that I couldn’t see was the cost that it came with. I didn’t see it for what it was; I didn’t even know it was called manipulating. I hadn’t done it before and well considering the circumstances I’m appalled by it. I learnt everything the hard way. I am sorry that you got hurt in the process.

 

I have been able to see everything, everything you didn’t say, everything I didn’t say, everything that needed to be said, I see the strain I put on you, I see the strain I put on myself! I saw how I had absolutely no inner strength, I saw how I labeled myself as weak and I lived up to it. As much as you said I was your rock, which I know I was at times, and I did try to be -but it really truly was the other way around. You were my rock. And you felt it – all the weight on your shoulders. It was hard.

 

For that, I’m sorry. I’m also thankful for how you were patient with me, and I’m thankful for what you did do for me. You have been my biggest comforter. And it’s a gift you have. I was weak and needed that care. I became weak the same time we started courting. I was getting sick and started freaking out (I always needed to be assured) I started to unconsciously define myself as the sick one, the sensitive one, and all that horrible stuff and It stuck right through as long as I kept it alive – which was up until till the day you had to leave us and for a bit after. Back when you were in Africa I prayed for the strength that I didn’t have. I promised myself to be a better person because I could sense the strain on you. I didn’t understand anything but I knew I had to change, the only catch which I didn’t realize till one day when I remembered my prayer about gaining the strength that I needed was to actually lose the most important thing to me. You. How ironic.

 

As I got stronger the labels dropped off and my insecurities well they literally just dissolved away and I was clear to gain some direction and much needed inner strength. You probably walked out just the right time for both of us. It was the best thing that ever happened for me. 2007 was both equal in the best and the worst year of my life. Having you in my life showed me my faults, loosing you showed me how to correct them and gain more. Believe me I had everything to gain. –They say a relationship will show your faults that you don’t see in yourself otherwise.

It has been biggest pivotal time yet and has brought gifts, wisdom and morals to me. You opened my heart for the very first time. I believe I did the same for you. I now know what my heart is capable of and I am trying to keep it open just how it was when I first started out. I am more aware of who I am now more than ever and I have achieved a lot in myself that others will never achieve.

 

I want you to know that before when we spoke I was sorry from the bottom of my heart, and today I am still sorry. However there is a difference now. I didn’t know exactly what I was sorry for before, all I knew was I really hurt you it just came with a load of guilt. The guilt is probably what you would’ve sensed which is why you couldn’t accept any apologies. This would just create anger. Maybe you still feel the same. I know I feel different. I am different. I’m a wonderful person, and wonderful friend and family member. I really really want you to find this inner peace and strength someday (if it isn’t already there). I didn’t want any of this to be rubbed into your face. You are a god send. You’ve been an angel to me, in challenge and support.

I want you to know that you’re allowed to feel upset and hurt and that you have all the right to feel like I am the worst person on the planet for hurting you especially when you were already juggling things. I give you permission to hate me now. And I am okay with that. I take all the blame for my actions. Every single thing. I hope you can see that these words come with solid strength and awareness, and peace.

Jmina

[Jmina]

well i got advice from my friends before i sent it.. and they felt it was good. so i sent it.

 

if everything happens for a reason, i will have something to learn whatever the outcome is. so its all good. for better or for worse.

 

Jmina

[Lyssa]

Hi Jmina,

 

I just read your thread. I feel it's a good one although I don't really know the whole story to this.

 

Yes, everything happens for a reason - you'll learn something out of it.. hope it all goes well. If you feel like it, do tell me the outcome!

 

[[[Jmina]]]

[Jmina]

hey thanks lyssa.

 

basically we adored each other, but talked about forever way to soon. she freaked out and had to pull out even though we were in love. we were on and off for a while, then we tried no contact which i couldnt do at first as i didnt see the value in it so and got messy. its been about 6 months of no contact now. maybe a bit more. we both have done soul searching since we are both happy and i feel i am just about ready to see how this is gonna end up. i need to let my side be heard and i really needed to let her know that i recognise what she was upset about and apologise for it.

[Lyssa]

Wow - that sounds really hard to do... I don't know if I could have done the NC thing for months... days were hard enough for me!

 

I can sort of see from her side as it would freak me out if my partner and I talked about forever too soon but if both were on the same page then I don't think it will be that bad.

[Jmina]

she had things to experience that i had already done, it wasnt right for her. the love was there, the timing wasnt. and well really the timing wasnt there for me either. love wont allow it work anyway if people have soul searching to do. that is why love is rare. because it only happens when two sound people come together with gifts to bring to each other, instead of insecurites.

 

ill always love her in some way =)

[Jmina]

So she hasnt replied yet. but really when i sent it i expected that a reply in a few weeks would be suffice.

 

but now im freaking out that i did the wrong thing.

 

i dont know if it is my ego bringing me down, or if its my rational frame of mind i dont know what anything is saying right now heart or mind.

 

please if someone can take the time to help i would REALLY appreciate some company and advice.

Jmina

[BrownBear]

Hey there,

 

What you wrote was long and seemed heartfelt - it will take your ex along time to digest it. I would'nt expect a reply for quite some time.

 

Can I ask, why did you truly send the email?

What sort of response are you hoping for - what would'nt you want to hear.

 

Stay strong

[Jmina]

i want her to accept my apologies. i want peace between us. i was working on getting this peace by myself, which i have been doing, but after seeing a mutual friend i got some 'courage' and a silly idea in my head that if i explain all that ive discovered and gained and realised will help her to forgive. i found it easier to forgive her when i realised why she did the things that she did. it has been a long time and i have been wondering what she would think of the new me.

 

i sent it to stop wondering. but now im wondering if shes going to reply .the first day is always hard. im not in any sort of torture though. i will be absolutley fine. i do expect her to reply sometime with a pretty indifferent answer. which is okay. as long as its the truth, i want the truth but not in a way to spite me.

 

what the worst reply could be is "i dont want to be friends not now not ever" but there are two parts to me that handle this. half of me is fine with it. because i gave her permission to hate me and that is okay. when i look at it like that, i really dont feel any sadness at all. but if i let it get to me, i suddenly feel devestated that i will never be her friend ever again as i love her so much. im just going to stick with the first side of me though. might be hard sometimes, but its better.

 

i think i might have done the wrong thing in the terms of it might annoy her. but that is just my first initial thought to how she used to react. but apparently i had to do it, and it still has its place. so right or wrong it happened for a reason. ill learn. shell learn.

 

life goes on! i do feel better now that the past few days though. i think getting it out helped. she knows everything that i wanted her to know now. oh and thankyou for helping me too.

i think it will take her a while to digest also.

 

just antoher thing what do you guys think the email reads? what kind of feel does it have other than heartfelt and long? i wanted it come across as taking blame for my own actions where i didnt before and acknowledging how she felt. i hope she knows the value that the email holds and that its not 6 months too late. the thing is. if i had the answers 6 months ago then there would have been no point to the breakup as it wouldnt have affected and changed me, which means there would have been no life experience and that is what life is made up of. thats my opinion anyways

Edited January 14, 2008 by Jmina

[PinkRibbon]

It is a little wordy. I think it was too long and drug out. After 6 months of NC I don't think I would have sent it unless I was hoping we could get back together??

[Jmina]

drug out?

 

i am hoping of reconcile. not to get back together.

 

i did really try to explain it in the best way that i could. and i took out everything that i felt wasnt relevent. the issues in the letter are the issues we had so... thats why they are in there.

 

i dont know...maybe i shouldnt have done it. i felt it might have helped her. i felt she might have gone "thankyou for telling me that" like she did when i explained something else to her.

Edited January 14, 2008 by Jmina

[madgun68]

Jmina,

 

It isn't going to do you any bit of good to start second-guessing having sent that letter. You sent it. Find a way to make peace within yourself for having done so.

 

I do wonder though.. Have you forgiven yourself?

[Jmina]

yes i have. i am just thinking out loud which probably isnt a good idea on loveshack as it makes things confusing for people. i have made peace with the letter, but i started to doubt it after talking to my sister. i am back on track again now.

 

sometimes i think loveshack makes things harder. i might give it a break.

[serendip]

It's a nice letter but it really depends on your ex's state of mind. If she doesn't want any contact...it will come across as you wanting contact and it might annoy her.

 

Before sending anything you have to ask yourself honestly...will you be ok if she doesn't reply to the email...or will it set you back. But in this case you already sent it...so you have to be able to make peace with it.

[carrotgirl]

yes i have. i am just thinking out loud which probably isnt a good idea on loveshack as it makes things confusing for people. i have made peace with the letter, but i started to doubt it after talking to my sister. i am back on track again now.

 

sometimes i think loveshack makes things harder. i might give it a break.

I can understand this.

 

And in answer to your initial question of how would I feel if....? Carrot of 5 years ago would have responded to your letter and wanted to talk about it. Carrot of today would probably ignore it and possibly delete it.

 

{{{Jmina}}}}

Edited January 14, 2008 by carrotgirl

[sedgwick]

I would be extremely touched. It would take me quite some time and thought to respond to that, so don't expect to hear from her right away.

 

The only thing wrong with it to me is that you're apologizing for yourself way too much. You were human and you loved with all your heart. I'm trying to convince myself that's nothing to be ashamed of or apologize for. From what I've seen here you're extremely insightful, thoughtful, and considerate. You're working really hard on yourself. You've come a long way. You should be really proud.

[Jmina]

Hey guys,

well i havnt recieved a reply, and im actually okay. if she doesnt reply to it think that i will be able to move on better, because the unsurity of rekindling a friendship wont be there anymore.

 

i did apologise for a lot in that email, but i am okay with it because i have learnt from every single thing and i really feel strong from it. she does deserve the apologies.

 

who knows what will happen...

 

i feel really confused about everything at the moment.

 

Jmina

 

p.s. i REALLY appreciate you reading such a long letter for me guys. thankyou.

[Jmina]

ive been thinking a bit, (for something totally unlike me to do...)

well actually the thought that has been coming to me is that i don't care if she hates me now. Where as before i really had to push that thought out of my head because it was to painful. .. after writing that letter i feel like its fine..i feel like i dont care less if im important to her anymore...

i dont know how i will feel about this in a week... but it is a new feeling which i never thought i would feel!

 

any thoughts?

[CalamitousJane]

I think that's the feeling that comes when you know you've said and done everything in your heart. You are free and clear, you have released yourself. It is all up to her now.

 

There is something that feels very good about finally expressing yourself clearly, kindly and completely. Maybe it's knowing that you can never go back to living any less honestly and lovingly. The next person in your life will be very lucky.

[Lyssa]

ive been thinking a bit, (for something totally unlike me to do...)

well actually the thought that has been coming to me is that i don't care if she hates me now. Where as before i really had to push that thought out of my head because it was to painful. .. after writing that letter i feel like its fine..i feel like i dont care less if im important to her anymore...

i dont know how i will feel about this in a week... but it is a new feeling which i never thought i would feel!

 

any thoughts?

 

This could be some sort of a closure for you. You have done all that you can and now you're free of all the guilt and pain.

[Jmina]

i hope it is. i hope the feeling of not caring about if i am important to her or not lasts... its not in a spiteful or negative way. its just like well ive done all i have, i am happy and proud of who i am, and i know she has a long way to go in some areas... so im happy for myself and thats all that i feel is important right now. everything else isnt valid.

 

i cant believe how long this is taking. from start to now... from when i first met her till now. its like shes been this drug from the start. and drugs are bad!!!!

 

mkay.

[jdeedee]

Congrats on doing all you can Jmina, and with that letter you really did. It was a very long and bit drawn out but it was honest and that's all you can do.

 

Will she respond? It's hard to say and no one can predict the future but sometimes I feel like people would rather leave well enough alone.

 

The email is quite overwhelming, I can only imagine how it would feel if I was the actual recipient. She very well may not ever respond but you and I both know that this is all you could have ever done.

 

So it's OK.

[k10k]

so im happy for myself and thats all that i feel is important right now. everything else isnt valid.

 

i cant believe how long this is taking. from start to now... from when i first met her till now. its like shes been this drug from the start. and drugs are bad!!!!

 

Just wanted to say congrats Jmina - looks like all the hard work you're put into yourself and learning as much as you can from your experience is finally paying off I still have a long way to go, but you're an inspiration.

[Jmina]

Is anyone there to talk to? =(

[Jmina]

jdeedee :Thankyou. I feel that she might want to just leave it all alone now because it has been a while... however the only thing that makes me think that the letter might work to a positive in some way is that i know she couldnt forgive me (even though i wasnt asking for it) 6 months back. I did say i was sorry to her about upsetting her but she said she didnt wan't any apologies and that she was still in the "anger stage" she was very confused and didnt know what to believe or not as her friend told her things about me that wasnt true that upset her more.

 

now that i have come a long way i wanted to show her the strong side of me that she used to know before i got ill and show her that i really am sorry now that i understand exactly why and how it hurt her.

 

i want her to know that she is safe to be my friend.

 

 

i dont want to go through life with the biggest part of my life and not have it healed - i deserve peace WITH her, i can find peace on my own but its not enough sometimes.

 

im allowing myself to fall apart a bit and not control my thoughts, i feel its too hard to talk myself into "looking at me and my life and how wonderful it can be" like i usually do.

 

My nanna is about to die, and me and my mum have to be strong for my dad, and all i can think about is did my letter help her. my tears are for myself shouldnt they be for my nan? =(

 

Has anybody seen harriet the spy? i used to feel exactly like harriet did when ole golly had to leave her. i felt innocent to everything and abandond... i really felt my inner child come out and just cry because she had to go. i just wanted her to sweep me up and tell me that we'll be okay.

 

i feel like i should know better. i have so much wisdom and im choosing to ignore all of it.

 

:'(

Edited January 16, 2008 by Jmina