chris0255 Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 hello every one im haveing a hard time dealing with all this my wife says she is not in love with me any more weve been together for 10 years and married for 7. she said iv been controling her by calling her during the day at work and eating lunch with her every day for the past 2 months and for some reason i kept accusing her of talking to some one else and i dont know why she just went bck to work last april she was home for a year and half with our little boy she had to grow up fast she had her little girl at 15 daughter is 10 now well she says she loves me on the phone but i keep on about getting bck to gether but she says never again i told her i would see a counsler and get help and ive already been going bck to church again and she wants to get her on house because im going to keep our house we just bought.what do i do i just keep getting mixed signals weve been split for 2 and half weeks now and she keeps saying she going to pack but hasnt done anything all wedding picture and pics of me and her are still hanging in our bed room im just confused
Gunny376 Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Hi Chris, Welcome to Love Shack. I'm in Alabama, South of Montgomery If you hang around long enough? And read enough threads, you will find that your situation isn't all that unusual. I wouldn't be surprised that there's someone else, either (a) emotionally, or (b) physically ~ or someone that's she's got in mind. And, there's the other possibility ~ calling her, having lunch with her everyday at work ~ could be crowding her too much? In your post you sound, anxious ~ to which the flipside of the coin (from her perspective) is clingy and needy. And most un-attractive and un-desirable trait in a man. There's a pyschology to all of this? If you study it ~ you will see patterns emerge. If you think back over the course of your life? Women that you were interested in and pursued? Weren't all that interested in you? Those that you weren't interested in? Were interested in you! You need to back off ~ go limited or NC (No Contact) with her. You need to pull back and re-group. Take sometime to get your bearings and to get your head together ~ get your act together! First things first ~ you need to get control of your emotions. If your not in control of your emotions? They're in control of you! You need to put all of this in the proper persepective? Worse case scenario? You and the wife divorce, and both of you move on to bigger and better things? Its the end of your marriage ~ not the end of your life! What one would abuse? Another could certainly use! And just in case you didn't get the word? There's no shortage of women in the world? The world is covered up with them! You might want to Google: Marriagebuilders Divorcebusting and "Women's Infedlity" Part of the reason my marriage failed is I got married too young (22) and I really didn't know what the Hell I was getting into, nor did I have the skills necessary to make a marriage work? Not only didn't I have the skills, I didn't have the knowledge, nor experience. When a woman leaves a man? Its pretty much "done, did, and over with" You need to accept that fact, and work on gaining the necessary education, knowledge, experience necessary to make a "relationship" work. That is to say, that you need to work on yourself. Absolutely! Hope for the best, but be prepared for the worse! In the meantime? Get your Happy @ss busy learning what they don't teach you about women, men, relationships, marriage, martial communication, etc at any level of school ~ nor for that matter in Church. The difference between "ignorance" and "stupdity" is when you first make a mistake (and we all do) is that you were just ignorant. However? If you repeat the same mistakes over and over ~ well that's just plain stupidity! Indeed! It could be argued reasonably well, that one of the definitions of "insanity" is repeatedly doing the same thing over and over and over ~ all the while expecting different results? Absolutely! If you want to drive nail after nail into the coffin of your marriage? By all means be whinning, begging, pleading, crying, needy! Call over and over and over ~ into the wea hours of the morning! Shower her with gifts, flowers, chocolates, and jewelry! E-mail her, call her, text her ~ pull every trick you can out of the "Stalkers Handbook" Or? You can "man-up" suck it up, and deal with the reality of it. And the reality is? Its over! It was over yesterday, it over today, and it could very well possiblity be over tomorrow! Her fault? Your fault? No-one's fault? That's just the way it freaking is! Just that plain! Just that simple! If you've got any chance of getting back with the wife? LEAVE HER ALONE! DON'T CALL HER, E-MAIL HER, BEG HER, PURSUE HER, TEXT HER~ NOTHING! ZILCH, NADA, NOTHING! TAKE A "FOOL'S" ADVICE! Here are some general guidelines to follow ~ print them off and read them three times daily! (From Michelle Weiner Davis' techniques as described in Divorce Busting) 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! 2. No frequent phone calls 3. Do not point out good points in marriage 4. Do not follow him around the house 5. Do not encourage talk about the future 6. Do not ask for help from family members 7. Do not ask for reassurances 8. Do not buy gifts 9. Do not schedule dates together 10. Do not spy on spouse 11. Do not say "I Love You" 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) 21. Never lose your cool 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic 23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger) 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil) 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than anywords you can say or write 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes
Nomad1 Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Hi Chris. Sorry to hear about your predicament. Most of the people on Loveshack have a similar story to yours and many, I am sure, would wish they had visited Loveshack before their break-up. It may be over between you and your wife, and if any change is to happen you MUST follow the advice given by Gunny. I know that it is difficult not to respond to your circumstances by constantly raising issues to do with the relationship with your wife, but REMEMBER, you will only push her away further. Don't talk about anything to do with the break-up. Focus on the kids, look after yourself and let her be. She is more likely to come back if she sees positive changes in you. The more you ask her back, the more she will withdraw. Take care Nomad1
Author chris0255 Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 (edited) well my phone records come in sat and she hasnt been talking to anybody but just me and family so it maybe i have been crowden her so ill get my self together then wrk on use. i mean she told me the other day she misses me but i just keep pushing so need to stop i told her last night i would go get the divorce pappers done but she hints around not to she just keeps saying she wants time and space she just giving me differnt hints and maybe she wants to wrk on it she just doesnt want to tellme that Edited January 14, 2008 by chris0255 adding more info
redblack66 Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 well my phone records come in sat and she hasnt been talking to anybody but just me and family so it maybe i have been crowden her so ill get my self together then wrk on use. i mean she told me the other day she misses me but i just keep pushing so need to stop i told her last night i would go get the divorce pappers done but she hints around not to she just keeps saying she wants time and space she just giving me differnt hints and maybe she wants to wrk on it she just doesnt want to tellme that With the knowledge I have now, when my wife told me she needed space, I think I was better of if I got the divorce papers going.
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