3 Years

[Roughweekend]

3 years......

So here I am, single again after the last three years... she broke up with me Friday night... talk about a roller coaster... Back story would probably help huh? I met her almost 3 1/2 yrs ago when i was posted to the east coast (I'm in the military). Things went well at first, then when I mentioned that I was going to be posted to the west coast, I asked her if she wanted to go for a drive with me (this is at the two month point) and she promptly broke up with me... we got back together about three days later. Then came the posting, she had a good job she didn't want to leave so I told her to take her time and see if she wanted to come out... I went out to see her for a week that summer and she came out for a week in the fall... at this point I had started my sailing career (sigh...) and was gone a lot. Then she decided (after a year) to move out here to be with me... I was still sailing and there was still a lot of time spent apart but just this March I was shore posted. She had finally got a good job (although it meant she was gone all summer) but I gave her time to go chase her ambitions and waited patiently for her to come back... thing were really looking up, she had a great job, I was home alot... I thought finally a smooth patch... but then she started getting distant and I thought something was up, but she's always been close-lipped about feelings and I didn't know what to do (hell I still don't) and part of me wanted to scream, ask questions, but I didn't know how to do it and part of me didn't want to hear the answers (background to the background: this is my first long term/distance/living together relationship, I'm 32 and previous to her were all three month or less encounters). So she left on Friday and she confirmed she had been thinking about for months... she went to her parents' place for Christmas (I was invited, but it seemed that I wasn't really wanted...) and there she spent time with her friends... I guess what I really want to know, is why is it that women would rather talk about everything with their girlfriends rather then talk to the man they supposedly love? I mean why didn't she open up to me, talk to me and let me be the best friend I thought I was? This hurts alot.... and I know what I should be doing, but... all she said was that we weren't compatible.... we had very few interests in common... but who does????? How many men want to go to poetry readings and watch foreign films that don't star Jackie Chan?? Isn't it normal to have people live a happy life loving someone who has very little in common? I mean isn't that what makes things work, having different interests as a way of still being yourself while being in love? We all make compromises for the ones we love.... why did it take her 3 yrs to discover this??? And why do they always want to be friends right after they bring the walls falling down around you???

 

Rough

[Lee725]

I guess what I really want to know, is why is it that women would rather talk about everything with their girlfriends rather then talk to the man they supposedly love? I mean why didn't she open up to me, talk to me and let me be the best friend I thought I was? This hurts alot....

 

Based on my experience & this may not be the case with you, but friends don't judge normally.

We can say anything to them about our relationship and they don't take it personally.

Partners can take expressions of dis-satisfaction and emotion as personal attacks which then results in arguments.

It can be hard to look into the eyes of the person you love & say "you are not giving me this..."

 

I find it easier to talk to my friends also because they are outside the box and see things that i might not otherwise see.

 

You are right tho, she should have been able to talk to you & the fact that she didn't/couldn't says there was something missing there for her.

At the end of the day no matter how much i talk to my friends i always approach my partner whether they like it or not.

 

all she said was that we weren't compatible.... we had very few interests in common... but who does?????

 

Isn't it normal to have people live a happy life loving someone who has very little in common? I mean isn't that what makes things work, having different interests as a way of still being yourself while being in love?

 

You have to have things in common.

A physical attraction can get people together and keep them together for a while but in the end there has to be more.

 

I could not see anyone long term that i did not share common interests with, otherwise i would not want to spend time with them pursuing hobbies etc and they would not with me.

 

People who don't have much in common or at least a common interest rarely last - sorry to say.

A connection & enjoying things together keeps people together long term - it can not just be about physical attraction (well to me anyway).

 

We all make compromises for the ones we love.... why did it take her 3 yrs to discover this??? And why do they always want to be friends right after they bring the walls falling down around you???

 

By your own admission you have been away alot and each time you have come back it may have been the physical attraction that drew you back together each time.

You have "missed" each other and that can make it exciting to see the other person again.

 

This last time you have been able to spend an extended period together, therefore the initial attraction has had a chance to wain at which case you would normally fall back into the connection/interest mode.

 

EG: She is a great looking girl & we love to restore vintage cars together on the weekend (example only).

 

I broke it off with a guy a fair while ago because even tho he was a great guy, there was no emotional connection with him and we did not really share the same interests besides fish tanks, i could not continue with it, i could not lie to myself that it would get better.

 

I am not keen on the "friends" thing either.

Some people do it because they cant bring themselves to stop contact because they have been together so long.

Maybe she really does care for you like i did for my ex (although i didn't say i wanted to be friends with him).

There are a few reasons here and in her case for wanting to be friends i can not answer.

 

I hope you start to feel better soon.

Edited January 14, 2008 by Lee725