Daphne Crane Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Is there ever a really good reason for a person to cheat?
joybean72 Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 There is never a good reason in my opinion.
whichwayisup Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 I agree with JB, there's never a good reason to cheat. Bottomline is, if someone is unhappy in their marriage, they have choices - Stay and fix the marriage, break up, or even stay together and see if an open marriage is possible.
TMCM Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Simple answer: No. Cheating puts the BS's life and that of his/her children at risk via deadly STDs. As whichwayisup stated, you do have good and honest choices to help you resolve the issue.
Curmudgeon Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 I haven't come across one! There can be every reason to end a relationship before embarking on another, however.
JosieMcCoy Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Once a cheater, always a cheater I say! And those people that constantly think about it and have emotional affairs... Cheaters!!!
Owl Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 No. There may be good reasons to end a relationship with someone. There may be reasons to divorce. There may be good reasons to seperate... But there's never a good reason to cheat.
FYS Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Simply put, no. It's ridiculous how many people cheat. What's even worse, is when a person does something with someone they know is in a relationship. That's low. And quite angering, really. Always and all ways, Jake
twice_shy Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Is there ever a really good reason for a person to cheat? Never. If one feels the need to cheat, then just leave the relationship, get a divorce, move out.
Ariadne Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Is there ever a really good reason for a person to cheat? Yes, Of course there are. Sometimes you are just stuck in a situation. I give you an example, a woman that is married and has five children, she depends on the husband financially or otherwise wouldn't be able to make it on her own with that big of a family. She is not "in love" with the husband anymore, and stays with him as friends (since overall they get along pretty well) for the benefit of the children and because it's a satisfying union. She meets another man that she falls passionately in love with, and they have an affair and then it ends. I know a lot of happily or relatively happily married couples where one of the partners has cheated on some occasion, and life goes on and they stay together. Nobody is perfect. These things happen all the time. Many of the people that have been married for a long time, someone had an affair at some point. Ariadne
Owl Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 I give you an example, a woman that is married and has five children, she depends on the husband financially or otherwise wouldn't be able to make it on her own with that big of a family. Why can't she? Is she physically or mentally disabled, preventing her from getting a job? Is there some reason she can't qualify for any kind of 'assistance'? She has no family or friends that would be willing to do anything to help her while she DOES get on her feet? Will she be unable to get child support as part of the divorce? Has she considered communicating to her husband that she's no longer in love with him, and wants to divorce...and needs to come up with a plan to support herself after the divorce? If the love isn't there, why shouldn't she talk with him, and work out a seperation plan that works for BOTH of them? Sorry...no 'reason' to cheat here.
Ariadne Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Why can't she? Is she physically or mentally disabled, preventing her from getting a job? Is there some reason she can't qualify for any kind of 'assistance'? Why would she? Why go through all that trouble and mess? She may not even want to be divorced. Not in every single case where people cheat the solution is to get divorced. And nobody is free from it either. Yes, some people are so madly in love with each other that that thought is inconceivable, but those are soulmates and most people that are married are not. They are just good partners at best. Ariadne
Owl Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Why would she? Why go through all that trouble and mess? She may not even want to be divorced. Not in every single case where people cheat the solution is to get divorced. OK, I can give you several reasons. First off, I've never seen ANYONE, in a couple of years on this board and others, who was not devestated by the discovery of their spouse cheating on them. The pain of it is almost incomparable to anything else, short of the death of a family member. Even if she's 'just friends' with her spouse, why would she want to put him through that? A marriage is an agreemant between two people. It doesn't just belong to her. And given how she currently feels, its also possible that her husband may want to divorce HER. Why does she deserve the sole choice in staying together or not? Its as much his choice as hers. What is she teaching her kids by that same cheating? What message does she WANT to give them? Finally, I agree...not every situation where people cheat should end in divorce. I'm in a happily recovered marriage...we didn't divorce. We're better than ever. I feel that many marriages could be in the same boat as mine. I think where we disagree is the fact that I feel a marriage is something between two people...where they jointly make the decisions, and work together for the benefit of themselves, the marriage, and the family. There isn't room in a marriage for three people. I think that you feel differently perhaps.
Ariadne Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 I give you another example, There is this couple in the building where I live that are the perfect happy couple. At least as far as anyone can tell. They are always together, they go shopping together, and every time they leave their home they are together. I've heard them talking, and lively talks at that and seem to be really good pals. You get a good vibe from them. They have two children and always celebrate the children's birthdays with big parties and invite everybody. And they also live with grandma who takes care of the kids while they work. Well, a good friend of mine of many years worked with that married woman in the same job. And she told me that she saw her seriously making out with some guy at work. I believe her, she's very good for picking these things out and she's very clever. And there you go, affair is over and they are still together and happy as usual. There's plenty of cases like that, if you don't believe they happen you are being blind. Not always people divorce because of that, most don't. Ariadne
Ariadne Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Oh, The pain of it is almost incomparable to anything else, short of the death of a family member. Even if she's 'just friends' with her spouse, why would she want to put him through that? I know, I'm not advocating it. Just that it happens for many reasons. And aparently, the people involved think it's a good reason. Who are we to tell. Anyway, got to run, Ariadne
Owl Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 The people involved think there's a good reason... But the rest of the people who are impacted in it nearly always don't feel the same way. The poster asked if there are good reasons to cheat...I guess the answer depends on who you ask. If you ask a cheater, they'll probably say yes. If you ask anyone who's been cheated on, they'll probably say no. I think that most people can rationalize any decision they make, if they put enough effort into it.
heftysmurf Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Infidelity is worse than death. Death is not a choice. You die. That is it. You choose to cheat and hurt the ones you love. I think that is why it hurts so bad. I also think that a person who cheats that is not in love and stays for the kids is a cake eather. Plain and simple. You need to make a choice or have an open relationship. Have the balls to choose. No one EVER deserves the pain it causes. My brain is permanently changed as a result. To me it is a form of psychological trauma that is caused. Nothing can justify that!
BetrayedMM Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 Ok, let me see if I got the gist of it- The woman won't leave her husband who she doesn't love because she doesn't want to work for a living, so that's "a really good reason" to cheat? Screw that 'who are we to judge' nonsense. That's a really pathetic excuse, not a really good reason. How is it acceptable for a human being to be used up like that?
TMCM Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 Seldom are cheaters magnanimous enough to allow their betrayed spouses the same opportunity to engage in an affair. In fact, most of them are vehemently opposed to their spouses cheating on them. Don't believe me? then I would suggest that the next time you encounter an acquaintance/friend who is having an affair, ask him/her how he/she would like it if they found out that his/her spouse had/was having an affairl. Don't be surprised if his/her answer is one of 'he'd/she'd better not'. When it comes to infidelity, cheaters are the epitomy of selfishness for they believe that affairs are their exclusive right and nobody else's.
TMCM Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 A couple that I know of are in what's called an 'open marriage' for quite a number of years. I've talked to them quite a few times in the past and of course my curiosity often gets the best of me and I end up asking them some questions regarding their marriage. One of the most interesting and somewhat ironic discoveries is that they have become closer to one another and value one another more than ever before. Do I believe in the viability of open marriages? No because a couple has to have an extremely solid foundation and history where the benefit and wellbeing of the other is the most important thing in their lives. Unfortunately not all couples have this and when they try it, most of them end up blowing up their marriages because their relationship is not strong enough to whether the strong feelings that come when you realize that your spouse is being physically intimate with another man/woman. But if there is anything that I learned from this couple it is that caring for the other above everything else is the key to opening up their innermost thoughts and feelings in an emotionally safe environment. A couple doesn't have to turn their regular marriage into an open marriage in order to achieve this and it is by no means a walk in the park but the results are more than worthwhile.
Author Daphne Crane Posted January 16, 2008 Author Posted January 16, 2008 LOL. TMCM I must agree with you 100%. I have a friend who engaged in an affair. I asked him, how would he feel if wifey did the same thing to you. The look that he gave me was all the answer that I needed.
Trimmer Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 Is there ever a really good reason for a person to cheat? There is no good reason for any wife of mine to cheat, and there is no good reason for me to cheat on her. Why would she? Why go through all that trouble and mess? She may not even want to be divorced. So, basically, your "good reason" comes down to convenience... Trouble, mess... Indeed, why bother sticking to a solemn agreement with another person. I think there's a difference between asking: are there reasons that people do cheat (yes, of course), and are there good reasons (i.e. valid excuses) for people to decide to cheat. I interpret the OP's question as the latter, and in that context, I cannot think of one. Daphne: I am interested in why you asked. Are you thinking you might cheat and you think you have a good reason, and you just want to air it out, or were you cheated on and trying to see the "other side" or what?
Trimmer Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 (edited) LOL. TMCM I must agree with you 100%. I have a friend who engaged in an affair. I asked him, how would he feel if wifey did the same thing to you. The look that he gave me was all the answer that I needed. Daphne: I hadn't seen this response when I posted my question to you above. Is this what prompted your original question? And with respect to open marriage, while I also question its viability in the vast majority of cases, I don't really consider it "cheating." A big problem I have with cheating is the hiding and lying and deception. At least if you go to a spouse and say "I'm not happy, here's what I feel might happen if we don't make a change somehow...", or simply "I'm not feeling it any more, I want to leave," then you are showing some respect for the other person, and giving them a chance to look at all the information and make a choice for themselves. By cheating, you keep that information from them. And I just think that's, well, "cheating" them. I don't see any "good reason" to hide that truth from the person to whom you've sworn an oath of loyalty, of your own free will. Again, it may be no less painful, but it would show more loyalty and honor to let them go first before moving on with one's own life, than to deceive and lie to them, keeping them in the dark. Edited January 16, 2008 by Trimmer
TMCM Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 And with respect to open marriage, while I also question its viability in the vast majority of cases, I don't really consider it "cheating." I agree though many times a spouse is already having an affair and wants to make it legit by trying to sell his/her betrayed spouse that an open marriage will be good for them. The funny thing is that in many cases once the initially reluctant BS - usually the wife - starts to enjoy and embrace the new lifestyle, the cheating spouse wants to end it. A case of 'be careful what you wish for you just might get it' biting the cheater in the a** LOL.
Author Daphne Crane Posted January 16, 2008 Author Posted January 16, 2008 Daphne: I am interested in why you asked. Are you thinking you might cheat and you think you have a good reason, and you just want to air it out, or were you cheated on and trying to see the "other side" or what? For the most part, curiousity. No, I haven't been in a relationship where I actually cheated with someone. But I have been close.....really close. High school sweetheart comes back in town and he is looking GOOD. But it took everything in me to do the right thing. I told him, there will be not physical contact whatsoever. He is the only guy, that one touch and my clothes would just fall off. Have I ever been cheated on....well, of course. He tried to convince me that it was just something in him that made him do it. He said, I was doing all the right things as a girlfriend and he shouldn't want for more. I must say, that was fine with me. All the nice things I was doing I stopped and he asked why....I told him, if you are getting it from somewhere else then you don't need to get it from me. I've always believed that if you are in a relationship and you want to get with someone, even if, it is for one night, you should end the relationship. Don't get me wrong, I've done something I shouldn't have and I can kick myself everyday.
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