br0ken_w0lf Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 Hi, I guess this is my introduction post. I feel like I have to tell someone how I truly feel and I don't even feel comfortable telling friends and family so here I am. The short story: my wife left me in August 2007 after 2 years of marriage and 4 years together; she felt there were things missing from our marriage (which she had seen in a friend of hers), thought she found them with this new guy but now realizes she's not happy there either. Me? I'm an absolute mess of a person without her who ultimately still wants her back and my own previous issues are amplified tenfold making day-to-day life barely tolerable; most days, I'd rather not be here at all. Now on to the long story... Two things I'll mention: I can't say I got all the timelines correct and this will likely seem somewhat disjointed; second, I suspect some people will say that I've been "jerked around" at various times but I know my wife: though it seemed that way to some people, she certainly never intended as such. Almost to foreshadow all of this, when we first met she left after 3 weeks in our relationship. She had been suffering from depression and had had a history of exiting relationships when things started to get serious for her. I really liked her at the time and, being a very emotional guy anyway, I was completely devastated. When she saw what kind of shape I was in, she decided to try and reshape her past histories and come back. She came back, I was elated, and we got married 2 years later. I think if anything was wrong in our marriage, it was that we let ourselves become too comfortable with each other; our lives revolved around working on our house, looking after our dogs, and pursuing our separate interests; it's not as bad as it sounds; we did spend a lot of time together but I guess often it was not real "us" time. We became more like roommates than husband and wife I think. Another issue was that I suffer from low self-esteem so, as a result, I took a more passive role in the relationship. She was largely in charge of things but seemed to be happy in that role. Maybe two or three times in the past, we had had conversations about how she didn't feel like she was always getting what she needed, indicating she wanted more affection, the way things used to be in the beginning. Never serious conversations but they were had nonetheless. Things usually improved for a while then we would drift back to our usual habits (for the record, I also felt somewhat deprived, but moreso of the physical part of the relationship - ahem). But we never had the huge issues that some couples have e.g. fighting all the time, etc. We really did love each other and showed it. In July of 2007, she indicated that "something was happening", that she was feeling different; she felt like an old housewife, and that now she wanted to party a little more (i.e. kind of like a mid-life crisis). Wanting to give her what she wanted, I let her do her thing. A couple of weeks later, she indicated that she "needed some space to think about things". This is the phrase that any person in a relationship never wants to hear and I was terrified. However, she was very upset about everything and I wanted only to give her what she wanted, so I agreed. A week later, she came back and indicated that she was leaving; we were separating. I was devastated like I never thought possible; a pain that I wouldn't wish on anyone yet one that I know many people before me have gone through. I naively thought that since it was a separation, there may still be a chance for us but later on found out that she broke things to me gradually in an effort not to hurt me; it was not really a separation, the intention was a divorce. That she still loved me but wasn't "in love" with me (any other guys out there confused by that one?); that she had reached a point in her life where she was heading in a different direction and didn't want to be married anymore, to anyone. I continued to live in the house and she stayed with a friend of this male "friend" (mentioned earlier) for the summer; later in the summer, she had to work again and, as she works out of our house, she continued to do so as we had no choice. This was understandably painful and I spent the entire summer trying to convince her that we could work things out; that it was worth it to work things out. In my mind, there was no other option. I happened to be out of work at the time as well and so had a huge amount of time to think and brood about what was happening. I fought for her more than I would fight for me own life. We would talk and cry; I would write pages of letters explaining what I think we did wrong in the marriage and that we had the benefit of knowing; that I know we could have the wonderful life that we should. At some point in the summer during my trying to convince her of things, she indicated that she now had feelings for this friend (feelings which I figured out had existed earlier as she saw in him things missing from me) and was very confused. She had also ended up staying with him at some point instead of the previous friend. I also learned that something had happened between them while we were still together (nothing bad, but not something that would have happened had I been present either). Even after learning all of this, I continued to fight; I didn't care there was a third person involved. I loved this woman more than anything and if she came to the conclusion that she had made a mistake, that she wanted to be with me, then I was willing to try and make it work. At various points throughout the summer, she was thinking of coming back; it could change from day to day, hour to hour (I didn't hear this firsthand but in bits of separate conversations). There was one weekend where she was basically making a decision about where to go; with me or with him. Somehow, I had convinced myself that she was coming back; I was wrong. Her reasoning was that she felt that we were somewhat lacking in the chemistry department and she felt more chemistry and more of a connection with this other person. That she felt she was getting what she needed; to be protected, to play the passive role, and that she had more of a physical connection with this person as well. I was devastated yet again. My brain simply could not (and still can't but more on that later) wrap itself around what was happening. We continued to tell each other how much we love the other; yet we're not together? How is this possible? She moved out on December 1, 2007. I had since found work and was trying to deal with a separation, a new job, and day to day life. I got a second dog to replace her dog which she took with her (we each had a dog when we met); I decided to keep our house as I couldn't deal with a move with everything else that was going on. I started working on the house and trying to keep busy in general. I put possessions and items relating to her in a box and keep it in the bedroom; occasionally, I open it to read old cards; and I still have a picture of her on the opening of my wallet. On to the present... There are still some of her things in the house and she is gradually removing them. Divorce papers cannot be done until August so we are technically only separated at this point. She has since moved into a new place with this other person but continues to be unhappy there. Yes, some things that I was missing she's found, but the other person is also missing things (no surprise there, no one is perfect). But she realizes that she has issues and is in the process for getting help with them. Actually, she is in a lot of pain mentally and I feel terribly for her; it is extremely hard to see the one person you love the most in such pain. Ultimately, I do want her to be happy and if that is not meant to be with me, then... We talk occasionally and see each other occasionally (though less than we talk I would say). My life is complete crap at the moment; I had started smoking in the summer and still do occasionally; I've lost 25 lbs. since all of this started and have gained 10 of it back simply by eating badly and drinking (though I've cut back on that); I feel like a shell of a person that I was, like I'm a deep hole and can't get out. Day to day life is nearly unbearable, I have no motivation to do anything, I have no energy, simple tasks like doing laundry, cooking, or cleaning seem monumental to me and I usually end up in front of the TV. The stress of a new job is also high at it came at the worst time, despite allowing me to keep this house for now. I've been buying things at an alarming rate which temporarily make me happy. I largely avoid people and socializing which I know is wrong as well. When we do see each other (we saw each other today actually), I no longer try to convince her of anything though I feel the same as I did last year; we don't talk about the possibility of getting back together (only when friends bring it up I suppose) but it's always on my mind. I still love her so much and miss her terribly. If she decided to leave the other person and come back, I am almost positive I would be open to it (and I say "almost" only because I think I'm so screwed up right with my self-esteem issues that I don't know how successful it would be; but I believe it could be if we both got ourselves straightened out). She is the one to initiate meetings and she continues to tell me that she misses me; with another person in the picture, I find myself reluctant to contact her generally and I don't want to be clingy or forceful about anything either, especially when I really don't know how she feels. I'm gradually trying to figure out what I need to do to feel better but I have to admit that I am really doing it in the hopes that she will come back (which I guess is better than not doing it at all). A couple of different times when leaving the house, she had made the comment, "who knows, maybe I will be back here in a year", speaking to her confusion regarding her decision and the whole situation. Both times that was said, I remember thinking, "I can only hope that's the case"; I believe I even said those words the second time. Does that sound like a comment that a person who is sure of her decision would make?? I still believe that we were meant to be together and that she made a mistake due to what we allowed to happen in our marriage and issues that we both have. The other thing about all of this that hurts so much is that we didn't even try to fix things; she had convinced herself that it wouldn't work (i.e. she didn't want to try) so she didn't want to work on it. My ultimate hope is that I get myself straightened out, she does the same, and we somehow end up together again. That is really what is keeping me going at this point. If that takes a year, two years, to me it will be worth it. Have you ever just believed that someone is just the person you're meant to be with and you can't really explain it? This is how it is; there are no alternatives for me. I would never feel the same way about someone else. Even now, each of us could call the other in need, and we would be there for each other, no question. My love for her is as close to unconditional as it can get. I've asked myself if maybe there are other reasons for me wanting her back: that it's familiar, that I'm afraid to start over, etc. But it's none of those. I just love this person more than anything else in the world; more than even I myself knew. I guess some things I've learned from all of this so far: you can't make someone stay with you; our capacity to love someone is more than even we know; and that sometimes, it's not enough to love someone (no matter how much) to keep them around. I realize that it would be very difficult for us if we did get back together, after another person being involved; but I am still willing to try. People reconcile after full-blown infidelity and in situations much worse than this (and perhaps that "Getting Back Together" book I read gave me hope as well). I just want my wife back to grow old with. I realize that there are tons of women out there (of which everyone keeps reminding me) but the fact is, I love and want this particular woman (!). So to the subject: am I crazy for having hope at this point? I think I know what I need to do for myself, it's just a matter of doing it: work on what I believe to be my deficiencies; eat better and exercise so I'll physically feel better; continue with my hobbies and working on this house so I feel a sense of accomplishment; make sure I keep my job; and try to socialize more. I just don't know of a way to do it without linking it to the hope of reconciliation....
Nomad1 Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Wow Broken Wolf, I feel for you man. However, I think that you are in a state of denial. She has left you and is currently with another man. She will never respect you, for the very reason that you want her back despite all what she has done to you. It shows that your self-esteem is rock bottom at the moment. Throughout your post you have made excuses for her. She simply does not want to be with you and even if there were no other man, she probably wouldn't. Why? Because you have shown your vulnerability to her. Yes sure, she talks with you regularly, probably when she is bored because the other guy was inaccessible. You do not want this woman in your life. Start living for you. There are certainly a million other women much better than her. You are prolonging your agony by yearning for her. Cut her loose man. She will only make you unhappy. Take care Nomad1
Author br0ken_w0lf Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 Thanks for the reply, Nomad1, I really do appreciate it. I especially appreciate that you took the time to read it all! I'm sure the length of my post was a turnoff for most members and I'm not surprised at the lack of replies - either that or it's really obvious to everyone but me what's going on My self-esteem definitely is rock bottom and hasn't been great in the past. I think the best I can manage at this time is to improve my life for me as you said, not hoping for anything in particular (though I know there is a small part of me that continues to hope - very hard to let go of that). Thanks again.
81West Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 This awful situation has whittled away an already fragile self esteem, and you need to restore your dignity and self respect. Whatever her motives, intentions or basic decency she is simply not behaving in a way that justifies your outward display of devotion. 'Unconditional love' in these circumstances will only engender pity and loathing because she knows she doesn't deserve that love just now. People are not motivated to renewed love and passion through pity. Don't accept first runner up. I don't know a thing about you, but I know you deserve more than that. You can't change your feelings, but you can change how you allow others to treat you. The only thing to do right now is to put every ounce of energy you have into caring for yourself, whatever that means to you. Little ways, every day. When you value yourself more, others will follow.
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