mylovegrowsdeeper Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 So, The current situation is my boyfriend would like for me to come and live with him and for us to be together. I am an aspiring writer/director who holds a regular job while also putting time and effort into my first official project.I'm 23. He- is 35, He's a self made well off man who brings in close to a million in a year and runs his own company which is large enough to now include three seperate branches. I probably rake in about 13 thousand a year. He knows that right now I am sharing rent and expenses with my mother who requires some caretaking and that my life has really revolved around my family for quite some time. He's expressed that he'd be more than glad to have my mother come stay with us and such. He has helped me out with some expenses being that he knows I don't have a whole lot of money to throw around (helped me get my car running etc.) This is all things he has OFFERED to do for me. Also,I don't eat the greatest because I don't really have the money- I mostly live off of roman noodle soup cups. Anyway a few months back he told me it upset him to think about that and that he wanted to send me a certain amount of money, weekly for groceries. I did not ask, I barely accepted- I realize I may not have much but I have worked hard for everything I own and never in my life not even with my own father have I had someone just "give" or "do" things for me- it's not at all something I am accustomed too. He makes references all the time to my family being "his" family also. He goes out of his way to do things for both them and me and he has told me he sees us growing old together, having children etc etc. It all sounds so great right? Yeah. So last week he sent me a usual money installment for groceries and then told me he loves me but he can't send me money anymore because he doesn't want me relying on him for that. He still makes references to me moving in all the time since that's happened but I haven't commented because now I'm confused as all hell. My mom who is very fond of him for reasons OTHER than his money is taken aback. She basically says- it's rude. If it was his idea to give it of course I am going to depend on that money being there. Anyhow now I am just as confused as she is I guess. Deep down I honestly resent him a little bit right now because I never called begging for money- it was HIS idea, and now he doesn't want to be relied upon- but my god the man wants me and my mother to move in- knowing my mother CAN'T work- It's like- hey am I going to do that so he can turn around in 3 months and say he doesn't want to be relied on any longer? Ahhh...what are your thoughts.
SeraBella Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Perhaps it is his way of trying to force you to move in with him? Maybe he figures you are dependent upon that money and then he pulls it away, so maybe you will have no choice but to move in?
Beauty28 Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Wow... that's deep. Maybe he feels used. Maybe he offered to send you money to get you to see that he'd take care of you and it was kind of a way to get you to move in. If I may ask... how long was he sending you money? Anyhow, you should ask him why because if you make assumptions (especially in LDR's) it is a recipe for disaster. You must communicate, even if it hurts. Just tell him that it hurt your feelings that he did that. If you do ask, i'd be curious to know why myself because it does seem alittle weird. B28:bunny:
melodicmaybe Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 I think maybe -- after a few months of it -- what seemed like a good idea at the time (to him) didn't seem like such a good idea anymore. Whether you realize it or not, him doing that -- although it's been a tremendous help to you -- is creating a major power imbalance in the relationship between the two of you. Money is a delicate issue at the best of times. With the way it was between the two of you, eventually one of you would have started resenting the other one about it. Either he would be resenting you for not committing to the relationship after he'd already made a commitment of that magnitude financially or you would have resented him because you felt obligated because he'd done that. I know it doesn't seem like it would turn out that way, but I'd be willing to bet money that it would turn into an issue down the road. So maybe he just wanted the relationship to be on more even footing between you two.
Author mylovegrowsdeeper Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 We've been together about 8 months. The day he told me that I called him crying and asked if I'd done something wrong. I wasn't upset that he didn't want to send me money anymore in the materialistic sense- I was upset that he had given me his word on something and taken it away. I asked him what I did wrong and he said I didn't do anything wrong, he seemed to be upset (not like angry upset) that I was crying and asked why I was crying about it. I got more upset because I was an hour away from cheering on my brother at a very important event for him and told him I needed to go. He told me to call him back later and sounded very eager that we talk. This was a week ago. Since then we haven't really discussed it whatsoever. Today when my mom found out she brought up a lot of things. I guess I haven't talked it over with him because right now I have so much going on in my life I'd rather laugh now cry later. Things haven't been distant between the two of us. He's still very affectionate, calls and we fall asleep together on the phone (If I were reading this, I'd puke but since it's about me it's okay ) So I guess what's really rolling around in my mind is..wether or not he's ready for a big committment. I don't know, he's the one who brought it all up from the get go but now I'm starting to wonder if he's really ready for that kind of thing. I don't think it makes him a bad person or anything I am just worried now about putting myself in the situation to move in with him. Also, I don't want to come up as trying to pick a fight or hurt him because I tell him this. I guess it's inevitable. Oh, and he's been sending me money for about 2 months. le-sigh.
Nevermind Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Well...if he thought you were taking advantage of him or were actually satisfied with the arrangement without trying to change it...a tear-filled phone call will do very little to change that. Did you tell him that you were sad about a broken promise? Or did you simply ask him why he wasn't sending the money anymore? I would also see it as a huge inbalance in your relationship. Maybe he didn't want to change your ways and saw you behaving a bit different. Maybe (and this is the most likely to me) he gave you the money to help you out of tight spot but never intended to be giving it to you for the rest of your life. When he didn't see a change in your financial situation (or the attempt to change it) he stopped. To not make you dependent. So I guess what's really rolling around in my mind is..wether or not he's ready for a big committment.As for this: he has asked you to move in, asked you to bring your mother along, talks of your family as "his family", sent you money for food weekly, shows steady affection. What else does he have to do? It seems like he is doing everything for a future together. Maybe he wonders why you are accepting money yet don't want to move in. Maybe he is not sure wether you're ready for committment and therefore stopped the payment. Nobody likes being taken for granted.
Author mylovegrowsdeeper Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 About the imbalance..MAYBE. But keep in mind I put a lot of effort into doing things for him too, I may not have a lot of money but I give back in other ways.Maybe you're right- he wanted me to somehow change my financial situation and become depedent but he offered money to pay for my wisdom teeth removal. I'm not going to let him do that because it's too confusing for me : one minute he wants to help, then he doesn't, then he does. If he doesn't want me depending on him then I refuse to do so. As for ..what more does he have to do? Well, he is a wonderful guy. I love him so much I do, but do you think it's never crossed my mind.."I'm going to have to depend on him" because I'm going too. Even if I pay half of everything down there- I'm moving to a new state and while I plan to meet other people in a sense or another I'm going to depend on him. You think it doesn't make me hesitant when he does stuff like what he did? It isn't that I don't think he's a terrific wonderful man, it's that I trully wonder wether he is ready to take on such responsibility. I worry that he's getting himself in for more than he's bargaining for. I mean I can nearly promise you that he's going to dish out more than 80 bucks a week when I first begin to settle in. I am worried about being an intruder, but then again MAYBE you're right. MAYBE he's thinking he's more committed than I am and he's pulling back in a sense because he wants to make sure he's not just enabling me to be living out here. You know people who open the door for us have to remember we wonder if we're going to be over-bearing them. So yeah we're back too he wants to pay for stuff for me again. I think it's time I just straight out ask him what the point of taking away my grocery money was. Maybe then I'll have some clarity as to why he wants to pay for me for things again and etc etc.
TMichaels Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Found a mistake, spelling error, wrong word? Help me improve, tell me how it should be. "wether" is the word that describes a castrated male sheep. "whether" is the word used when referring to two options.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 (edited) I think he was offering out of for a lack of a better word here sorry but pitty. And even pitty can only last so long when its draning some ones bank account. Perhaps hes haveing second thoughts about the R seeing as hes sucessfull and you bearly survive not that thats right don't get me wrong. Maybe like some one else here said he thought he would help you guys out of a tight situation but diden't want it to become a reg. So many maybes my advice just sit him down and ask him whats going on and why he did what he did. Far as liveing with him theres a differance between haveing a stable R were you guys actualy live togher and share liveing expenses to some degree and just sending money to your gfs house. One speaks of stability and hope for a reg happy future and one speaks of desperation and unstability if that makes any sence. So I wouldent be over worryed about that honestly but thats up to you its all about good comunication! Oh and I know you say you don't ask for the help but honestly you don't compleatly refuse it eather and some times thats just the same as asking for it to some degree. Now I hope I havent offended you at all as its not my entetion to do so honestly. Edited January 17, 2008 by SpanksTheMonkey
SpanksTheMonkey Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 So yeah we're back too he wants to pay for stuff for me again. I think it's time I just straight out ask him what the point of taking away my grocery money was. Maybe then I'll have some clarity as to why he wants to pay for me for things again and etc etc. Honestly I wouldent have excepted it again doing so would prob have showen him that your not expecting it and you don't need it from him. It being money I'm sorry but at that rate I wouldent be surprised if the R dosen't last that much longer Really what dose it matter what the point of takeing away the money was its his money and he can do what he likes with it no? He did tell you it was because he dident want you to become dependant on him no? theres the anser. So by doing what you did you kinda made it look like the money was the issue all along not good sorry.
Nevermind Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 TMichaels: Oh my! Thank you! Wether...hihi. A new word. Now, I'll go check the pronounciation. Taking away my grocery money. It wasn't your money, it was his. You were not entitled to it, it was a present. And your reaction to this is...well not so great. I agree with SpanksTheMonkey, taking it again makes you look very...dependent and a little focused on money.
TMichaels Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 TMichaels: Oh my! Thank you! Wether...hihi. A new word. Now, I'll go check the pronounciation. nevermind, wether, whether, weather... though they mean different things, they are all pronounced the same. Best, TMichaels
Author mylovegrowsdeeper Posted January 18, 2008 Author Posted January 18, 2008 Hey y'all. Back for the daily update, no none of you have offended me (those of you who stated the concern) I'm a big girl. :-) . Anyhow, no I don't in the slightest think our relationship is ending however here's an update in what's going in my life : In an effort to better myself and my situation I did a lot of hardcore thinking. I'd like to attend college and get my ph.d in psychology. I've already made all the phone calls ON MY OWN, I've found feasible programs I can enter such as americorps- which will not only pay for a year of my schooling, but also help with my resume when I apply to undergraduate school and be relevant to my career path.In addition there's housing options so I won't have to move in with him either. I've scrounged up some books from last years psychology course, abnormal psychology course, and biology- I've even got practice tests and answer keys so I can get a leg up so to speak. Start learning now and give myself an academic edge when I attend the classes. It actually wasn't him that prompted this so much as the birth of my nephew. When I realised I'm young right now and it's really crucial to do something that I can put some job security into as well as be intellectually challenging to me and a way to help others. Plus the americorps thing will be a great way to meet new people from that area when I move closer to him. Anyhow, my family loves the idea but I've yet to tell him. I wanted to dot all my i's and cross all my t's before I give him the good news.
Author mylovegrowsdeeper Posted January 18, 2008 Author Posted January 18, 2008 And P.S- Just to clarify- when I said we're back to he wants to pay for my stuff again- I DID NOT accept it. I was just saying that's what he wants to do but as I said he has stated once he doesn't want me to depend on him for anything, therefore I refuse to do so.
Author mylovegrowsdeeper Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 So we finally talked so there would be clear understanding to everything. When I told him the college program could provide me campus housing at no charge he said oh okay that's fine if that's what you want to do. Then no later than 5 seconds later said no, that's not fine. Basically, why even live somewhere else if I can live in his nice big luxury bla bla bla which I'll be at all the time (in his words). Then I had to explain I didn't consider it because I was worried about what to do if we break up- then although not verbalized he began to go on about his pride and that if a girl didn't want him there's women who throw themselves at him yada yada yada. So, go figure. I was looking more at my own independance which contrary to popular belief- is important to me. Even if for a few months my boyfriend did help me pay for groceries. You know and he even expressed when it came down to daily things he wanted me to have my own seperate money and I buy it and what not. Which is fine, it isn't that I was ever upset because he took the money away- I was upset because I thought it was an indication that maybe he isn't ready to take on me moving in and etc etc etc. That was my whole beef with it in the first place. Anyway, as it would appear he wants me to have my own indepdence (as do I) but in the very same breath he's very threatened by it. You know I have to say- with men and woman having such equal inherent indeciveness you'd think we'd all get along better. . Anyhow, I repeatedly assured him that the reason I thought about the option was not as an "escape route" so to speak. I still think though it's going to take him some time to feel secure about it. I feel great about going to college to persue the whole PH.D thing, it's a great way for ME to invest in my future and make sure I work hard and earn a living for myself and my children...now ironically men say that's what they want in a woman but the minute she pulls up her boots to do it they get all scared over it. At least, that's becoming my experience. Well that's the latest in the trials and tribulations of money woes.
TMichaels Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 I'm sorry, but it doesn't sound as if the two of you talk to each other. It sounds like you talk [bold] at [/bold] each other, and neither understands or hears what each other is saying, means or wants. I don't think you understand what he was trying to do by sending you money, and I don't think he understands why you were upset when he quit or why you've decided to go to college near him, yet not live with him when he offered that previously. Quite frankly, I don't understand all of this either. One minute you were saying that you have to stay where you are to care for your mother. Is she moving into college housing with you? If not, what happened to that obligation? Sorry, but right now, it sounds like you are just going from crisis to the next for the sake of the drama, and that you don't have a clue what it is you want or how to communicate that to others so they understand. Best, TMichaels
Nevermind Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 [big luxury bla bla bla, yadda yadda, dish out - to me this choice of words sounds offensive and not very considerate for his side of the story, but that is just a sidenote.] I really don't understand it either. TMichaels has put it (like every time ) in good words. You do not communicate well. Not meaning to critizise, but what is it that you want from him? Once you're willing to accept money without feeling obliged to anything or threatened in your independence, then you need separate housing to feel good on your own. Where is your mother in that picture? And will you accept grocerie money once you'll have trouble in college? Oh, btw, are you going directly for the PH.D? So you did study previously? (Just curious. )
SpanksTheMonkey Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 I agree shes all over the place I don't get much of it eather..
Author mylovegrowsdeeper Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 Well, I think you all hit the nail on the head- We do not communicate well. A problem that has shown it itself up until this point in small ways. My mother's SSI finally came through so she is able to get the help she needs without me being it. She wants me to be able to get out and go to school, and do things that previously I could not because I had to tend to her. (Just since it was brought up). So, about our communication. when I say bla bla bla I'm not trying to be disrespectful towards him however it probably indicates a level resentment that is forming. I DO want to do something about that. The reality is he's 35- I'm 23. Now I know I'm not perfect and if he were to get on here he would probably have a whole load of things to say about me-so I'm not just trying to say here's how he makes mistakes but I am going to share something that is a re-occuring bother. TM says we talk AT eachother not TO eachother. I thought about it and can agree. I don't feel like he listens when I talk, and he would probably say the same damn thing about me.He feels I don't listen when he talks. Which I can say there is a ring of truth too. It isn't that I don't love him or don't care but I have repeatedly expressed that when we have a disagreement I never feel validated- which is true I don't- because he talks to me like this : "Once you're my age you'll see how you are wrong, now I'm older so I'm much more mature and know these things." To that I say- honey, I know that you do have more experience with some things and make some good points- but just because I'm younger doesn't mean I don't make any good points as well. To that the reply is always something to the tone of "I know but you're saying that because you're younger and don't realize the situation." Now, he's admitted that at my age he's made some of the same mistakes I have- been in the same position financially- and had some of the same mindsets that I have. So I feel how unfair- I told him flat out- I feel like you want me to be 35- but I'm not. I said we're at two different stages in life- I'm 23- just starting out just beginning to try and make those decisions so I can establish a happy and secure future. You are 35- you've been where I'm at and put years and years of hard work in to get where you are financially stable, in a career that challenges you, etc etc. Anyhow- I know we need to make a change. Because he constantly puts me on the defense. When we do have an obstacle to overcome we never do because like TM says- we talk AT eachother and not too. He says things in a way that puts me on the defense so instead of listening to what he says I'm guilty of trying to plead my case because I want so desperately for him to JUST ONCE realize where I come from and acknowledge my thoughts on things. Again- I'm sure there's something or a number of things I'm doing that could be provoking his behavior too. I know I can be and am immature about certain things; That being said a lot of people still tell me I have good insight and that I have a good head on my shoulders- so there must be something validating about me right? Tonight I told him to contact me when he has some free time available because we need to talk. The litterally FIRST time I've ever said "we need to talk" and when he calls he's sweet and lovey dovey and says "so what is the thing we need to talk about" after explaining he fell asleep and is behind in his work and has all these things to get done- I said oh, we do need to talk but it can wait because I can see you have a lot on your plate. His response was "Honey, why do you always do that?" I said do what? "Say "we need to talk" like something serious is going on" I said, that is the first and only time I've ever said we need to talk and it IS serious- I just said it can wait because you told me about all the projects you're trying to finish before 8 am. Honest to abe, I've never once said "we need to talk". So his reaction to that does what? Back on defense mode I go. He seems to pick times when I am ill to start picking out things he doesn't like. Like last night I had worked 16 hours in that day and I had gotten sick and then he tells me the thing he hates about me is how I view money- I went to work and did a double when I should of been taking it easy because I'm trying to make money and money isn't more important than my health. He's right it isn't- but I wasn't sick when I went to work the double- I started to feel sick but I thought I'll tough it out- am I so wrong to do that? But it really hurt me that he's saying these things when I'm sick and have just worked 16 hours. I can see his valid points- but once again don't I have one too? I have to work a lot so I can fix my car- and get health and dental insurance. Anyway we ended up with him continually re-iterating (sp?) his point and me just trying to defend myself because again he's older and he knows better (in his words). Anyhow, believe it or not this is the first time I'm seeing how serious this problem between us two REALLY is on a concious level-albeit I can see where my unconcious mind has picked up on it. (I.e- me feeling obligated- oe how I thought to think about how maybe it isn't good that we live together) me trying to I want to work this out and I'm willing to take responsibility for what I'm doing wrong and learn to change things so I can do my part in proper communication but I'd like some advice on how to do that. I can't see us two living together if this keeps up. This IS a relationship worth saving YES we have our problems but the good outweighs the bad by far. I know we are two people who do really love and care about one another but we are still vulnerable like any couple to the clashes and mistakes that anyone else can find themselves experiencing. But yeah, I appreciate all the outside insight. Keep it coming, I need it!
Author mylovegrowsdeeper Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 (edited) I generate more income than my parents. Often times they are the ones coming to me for financial/emotional/physical resources. It has been this way since I was a kid. Not necesarily (sp?) the financial resources then but leaned on emotionally and such. Edited January 21, 2008 by mylovegrowsdeeper sp errors lol.
TMichaels Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 mylovesgrowdeeper, If your b/f is always pointing out flaws in your judgement, throwing it up to you that your choices are immature and your concerns not valid, I question whether you have as good as a relationship as you would like to think. A 12-year age difference isn't a big deal when, say, one of you is 52 and the other is 40, but when you are younger, the difference does make a "difference." You are correct, the two of you are at two different stages in your lives. You're just trying to sort out your life, and he's already established. What troubles me is not so much your reaction to his "advice," but his insistence that "he knows best." Yes, he is more experienced, but his unwillingness to hear you out, understand, and respond with any other solution than to tell you that your concerns are silly and "when you are as old and wise as he is you'll know he's right" is insensitive, controlling and quite frankly, insulting. I don't know if you're consciously or unconsciously looking for a father figure, but this guy seems to think you need one for some reason. If your home situation has improved to the point that you can pursue a college degree, then go do it. It's time you invest in yourself and plan a course for your own life. Where does "Knows Best" fit into the equation? My guess is that he won't like it that "his baby" is growing up and testing her own wings -- in fact, he's given you hints of that already. Should you ditch your hopes, your dreams, and your future for a lifetime of a relationship based on the need for one partner to always feel superior and making the other feel indequate? I know what my answer would be, but the choice is up to you. Afterall, it's your life and it's your right to decide. Best, TMichaels
compassion42 Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 This is indeed a challenging situation and an interesting dynamic you two have in your relationship. May I ask how often you see eachother and how far apart are you? I think that really does make a difference as well. It does sound like your bf really wants to do what's best and perhaps the whole money issue is due to him just wanting to make sure you aren't using him or taking advantage of the money he sends? Yes, communications is critical and I think your age difference comes into play here. Talk to him and let him know how you feel about him as well as the future of your relationship.
Author mylovegrowsdeeper Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 About the college plan- Yes I am 110% persuing it. I never once wondered "is this the right thing". As I said I've begin making the initial steps to making it happen, I've even gone and picked up discounted books from the college courses that will be relevent to my studies and studying them to get an academic head start. I am very determined and serious about this. I don't know that I'm looking for a father figure but yes I think somehow the line has become blurred and he thinks I need that. I never had a good father figure in my life. So perhaps it was natural but I'm trying to break out of that. You know him being angry that I went to work and then got sick just is making me think he has no empathy for my position. Not that he doesn't care- no I know he cares, but I feel like I try to understand where he comes from but he doesn't do the same for me. I am definately trying to talk with him about all of this. I'm just about to go work another 16 hours and he's busy too. But did I mention how upset he got when I sent him a text saying "Give me a call when you've got some time freed up we need to talk." And then when he told me he had a lot to finish and I was trying to be mature enough to say- okay it can wait until later then he pretty much attacked me with "why do you always do that?" "do what?" "say we need to talk like it's something serious." I might have already shared this story with you from what happened last night- it was afterall what prompted me to pop on at 4 am and pour out my soul- but in case I didn't- that was the very first time I ever said we need to talk period. Anyhow, I agree tm, maybe our relationship isn't as good as I thought it was- however I'm willing to compromise, own up to my responsibility (hear his side and what he thinks I can do to better the situation). But yeah, I really can't go on feeling like I am not validated. I mean, the man talks right over me when we get into disagreements- how would that make you feel? Plus, he'll add things I NEVER EVEN SAID and then "constructively criticize" me for them. Anyhow, obviously he still has a lot of positive things going for him (no, not the money either guys ) or I wouldn't be committed. I think with some hard work from both ends we CAN have a great relationship, we just need to get our roles switched back around. I'm starting to see where giving me money for personal spending was a big mistake- not one that he did intentionally and I'm just as at fault for taking it, but I think that opened the doorway for this "father figure" business. In reality- I can take care of myself and I'm a tough girl, it's just a matter of handling things better and learning (I'm only human harry!) but I really am TRYING. Anyhow I'm off to work sorry if I left any questions un-answered I will tend to them next time I'm on. Thanks guys! I've been really appreciating all of your help!
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