Star Gazer Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 (I'm not really sure which section this belongs in...dating, coping, second chances, LDR...what?) (ex?)BF leaves in 3 days (Wednesday morning) to move back home temporarily while he looks for a job. He's been with local family and friends this whole weekend. We have plans to get together tonight, and hopefully tomorrow and Tuesday night as well. The end is here, and it hurts so badly. I am so sad. I miss him so much, and he hasn't even moved away yet. He keeps saying this move is temporary, but how can I deal with that when I don't even know the status of our relationship right now? Things have been better than they ever were before - we're much more connected, we understand one another better, we laugh more, we're more passionate with one another, and most importantly, we've made plans to visit one another while he's gone (his idea). But still... I worry he'll drive away, never look back, and forget about me... while I sit here missing him, crying over him, and longing for what we had to come back. I don't think I'm really looking for advice - I don't think there's any to be had here. Perhaps just support, words of wisdom...I don't know.
Ariadne Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 Nah, But still... I worry he'll drive away, never look back, and forget about me... while I sit here missing him, crying over him, and longing for what we had to come back. He'll miss you don't worry. He tried but couldn't do it. Good job with the: more connected, we understand one another better, we laugh more, we're more passionate
Nemo Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 Parts of him will definitely miss you a lot. Probably the whole of him will, but I can't be 100% certain.
Lucasarts Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 so long so long and on to the next one... - Guster anywho, lifes not like that song so i wouldnt worry about it (well yes i would) but if you really believe what you guys shared was genuine, wholesome, and real..then i would believe him that the move is temporary...he needs to get his life a bit grounded, he doesnt want to be a bum (and you shouldnt want one either) so be happy for him while still longing for him, because in the end love and time will prevail. GOod luck
johan Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 Love is supposed to make us happier, but sometimes it doesn't. I hope you won't settle for a tiny fraction of what you want.
melodymatters Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Star, I have been following your threads to the point where you appear in my dreams ! ( no jokes guys, or....heck, go ahead !) I have no superior wisdom to offer, but one thing that comes to mind is to get to work on YOUR life. You have stated that you are not very happy working where you are. Instead of using all this energy missing another person, thinking about the woulda, shoulda, coulda's, use this time to make stars life TERRIFIC. Personally, this is the first time i am without a SO in over ten years ! Once I got used to it, my focus has changed, and I'm all about falling in love with me, or rather creating a life I am in love with. Not only would you make yourself happier professionally, you would be exposed to a whole new group of co -workers, and perhaps become so busy and involved, the current BF is just another thing on your combo platter : The potato rather than the meat From what I know of you ( here) I really think perhpas you would get a LOT of satisfaction working at the DA's office ! ( and lots of OTHER hunky cop types to choose from there as a bonus !) Though I don't "know" know you, I really like and respect you, and have great faith in your future ! melody
Author Star Gazer Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 I have no superior wisdom to offer, but one thing that comes to mind is to get to work on YOUR life. You have stated that you are not very happy working where you are. Instead of using all this energy missing another person, thinking about the woulda, shoulda, coulda's, use this time to make stars life TERRIFIC. I agree with you. Now is the time to focus on ME. I just can't help but think of BF as part of what I want and what makes me happy. But you're right, he should be a component, not the whole part, of what my life is made of. I spend this weekend looking around for available positions. There's one particular firm I'm VERY interested in working for, but competition will be fierce. I look forward to the challenge though. Hopefully I'll be able to find something before I go crazy where I am right now...
oppath Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 As an illustration, let's take 10% of a blowjob. That's cruel. It's torture. I mean, just leave me alone. Please. not if it is the climatic 10%. And I can do without the 5% of her taking a break to pull a hair or two off her tongue. hiJACKING aside, Star, of course this is going to hurt. You have no control over him because you do not have commitment from him. Whatever future you have is really, up to him, and you won't know until his actions once he is away demonstrate how serious he is about keeping you in his life. Right now, he is indicating that he wants to continue in some way. All you can really do is wait and see if he follows through on those things. Consistently. What I admire about this is when you've been pissed, you've express that anger, and that is good. Keep it up. Don't be afraid of saying "I am angry" any more than saying "I love you." Be who you are. Ask for what you want.
Author Star Gazer Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 Right now, he is indicating that he wants to continue in some way. All you can really do is wait and see if he follows through on those things. Consistently. I guess that's what we all do in all relationships, right? Look for consistency in order to build trust? What I admire about this is when you've been pissed, you've express that anger, and that is good. Keep it up. Don't be afraid of saying "I am angry" any more than saying "I love you." Be who you are. Ask for what you want. I fear I've expressed more anger and disappointment towards him in recent weeks than signs of love and affection. I hope we don't part with a black cloud over our head. I'm meeting two of his best friends too - one tonight, and one tomorrow - both in from out of town. I'm a bit nervous...
Nemo Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 (edited) not if it is the climatic 10%. I'm not sure what the weather has to do with it. Unless you're expecting a bolt of lightning to strike your mast? I hope we don't part with a black cloud over our head. You always remember the good more than the bad. In time, anyway. And I hope that a bolt of lightning doesn't strike his mast. Edited January 14, 2008 by Nemo
Kamille Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Things have been better than they ever were before - we're much more connected, we understand one another better, we laugh more, we're more passionate with one another, and most importantly, we've made plans to visit one another while he's gone (his idea). I'm so glad things worked out and better then before SG. Crazy how deeper connected you can feel when you manage to pull through the rough patches hu? It's only to be expected that you feel sad right now - but you will be seeing him soon and you two will be in touch. He's not disappearing, he's just moving. Again, I would say it is also normal that you feel fearful right now. I would suggest you recognize that fear, just to better avoid letting it overrule your life or let it color your perceptions of things.
shadowplay Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 What do you think has allowed you to develop a deeper connection with your guy? Maybe it was getting over the fear of losing him, or the fact that you both were unburdened by discussing your feelings? I think the fact that he hasn't let you go speaks well for his feelings toward you. It sounds like he's already developing more of an attachment. Have you asked him to define your status as this point, or are you just hesitant to put any pressure on him? I can understand if you are. I would bring it up eventually, but wait awhile because you don't want to scare him off. I believe he's letting himself get closer to you now because he's feeling less pressured.
Lishy Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 It can't be that traumatic can it? She has only known him 5 minutes and she spent most of that in tears or waiting for him when he had not intention of turning up. If not he was whining like a little girl! Maybe now she will have a chance of meeting a nice man!
Author Star Gazer Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 *Sigh* I'm not sure why negativity keeps popping up on my threads. A relationship doesn't have to be 18 months long in order to be meaningful...and clearly some relationships of 18 months aren't worth a damn thing. Kamille - you're right. I have to force myself to remember that he's not disappearing, he's just moving...and only temporarily. Shadow - I'm not sure what has caused the deeper connection I feel with him. I do believe that being able to express how I feel about him, and him expressing his fears about pressure/expectation/etc. and also sharing with me some additional stressors that explain his behavior has just made us closer. We understand one another more. There's a quiet peace between us. There's something in his eyes that's different - sad, longing. We shared a special evening together last night that only solidified our connection even more. However, I'm still fearful of losing him. Previously I simply was afraid of him moving, not having him around, him just being absent. Sadly, that's already happening. I'm (somewhat) over that fear, but I still fear losing him forever in the relationship sense. He's given me very clear signs of his intention to keep me in his life though... that's what I'm holding on to. Until he comes back, I'm just going to focus on ME.
Leoni Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 I don't think I'm really looking for advice - I don't think there's any to be had here. Perhaps just support, words of wisdom...I don't know. It's difficult to care about someone when you're so uncertain about the future. ((hugs))
shadowplay Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 *Sigh* I'm not sure why negativity keeps popping up on my threads. A relationship doesn't have to be 18 months long in order to be meaningful...and clearly some relationships of 18 months aren't worth a damn thing. Kamille - you're right. I have to force myself to remember that he's not disappearing, he's just moving...and only temporarily. Shadow - I'm not sure what has caused the deeper connection I feel with him. I do believe that being able to express how I feel about him, and him expressing his fears about pressure/expectation/etc. and also sharing with me some additional stressors that explain his behavior has just made us closer. We understand one another more. There's a quiet peace between us. There's something in his eyes that's different - sad, longing. We shared a special evening together last night that only solidified our connection even more. However, I'm still fearful of losing him. Previously I simply was afraid of him moving, not having him around, him just being absent. Sadly, that's already happening. I'm (somewhat) over that fear, but I still fear losing him forever in the relationship sense. He's given me very clear signs of his intention to keep me in his life though... that's what I'm holding on to. Until he comes back, I'm just going to focus on ME. I know that look well. It's a good sign. I remember my boyfriend giving me that look for the first time one day not too long before he told me that he thought he was falling in love with me. It sounds like he's starting to allow himself to feel more.
momma3179 Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 I know from experience that distance can make or break a relationship. In my case, it has made it stronger, more fulfilling and rewarding. My now H is active duty Army and has been deployed 3 times in the 4 years we have been married and I have to say they have been some of the hardest times in my life but if the connection is true and is there, you have nothing to worry about. Just keep the faith in what you know you have and since it is a temporary move... the sweeter it will be when you two are back together in the same place.
ahah2322 Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 hey star, i've been following your thread and though i really don't like that fact that he's stood you up countless of times, i really admire you for the love and peserverence you've shown in this relationship. i hope everything turns out great. if it doesn't, you can be proud to say you've tried (and not bail when the relationship gave you lemons) and there will be someone coming along to snap LS's star girl.
Krytie TV Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 Star, I hope you're prepared for the possibility that this situation may continue to be like pulling a band-aid off of a hairy arm one small tug at a time... even while he's gone.
Author Star Gazer Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 I know that look well. It's a good sign. I remember my boyfriend giving me that look for the first time one day not too long before he told me that he thought he was falling in love with me. It sounds like he's starting to allow himself to feel more. He pretty much said that the same night I saw the look. I felt it before he opened his mouth. hey star, i've been following your thread and though i really don't like that fact that he's stood you up countless of times, i really admire you for the love and peserverence you've shown in this relationship. Huh?!?! Clearly you have NOT been following my threads. He has NOT stood me up "countless times," only ONCE (not that that's okay either)...and it was due largely in part to miscommunication.
Author Star Gazer Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 Star, I hope you're prepared for the possibility that this situation may continue to be like pulling a band-aid off of a hairy arm one small tug at a time... even while he's gone. I am. It's scary, but I'm prepared. These past few days have been the hardest, and tonight will be the worst (his last night here). I cry a little each night, and he doesn't quite understand why. He really seems to think this is all temporary, that we're going to see each other while he's living there, that it will be good for us to work on ourselves, etc. Even assuming that all to be true (which it likely is), it still SUCKS. I'm going to miss him like crazy. I think I might have to go get a puppy to be my cuddle buddy at night.
Nemo Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 i hope everything turns out great. if it doesn't, you can be proud to say you've tried (and not bail when the relationship gave you lemons) and there will be someone coming along to snap LS's star girl. Hey, Star!? You missed this bit. She was being really nice!! Anyway, every minute counts for one "you stood me up" (actually, I think it increases exponentially as time passes)... I've been there before.
Author Star Gazer Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 Hey, Star!? You missed this bit. She was being really nice!! Anyway, every minute counts for one "you stood me up" (actually, I think it increases exponentially as time passes)... I've been there before. I realize there was a nice bit. However, it doesn't do much good to provide advice when you (not you per se, but anyone) have got the facts all wrong...
EnigmaXOXO Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 I am. It's scary, but I'm prepared. These past few days have been the hardest, and tonight will be the worst (his last night here). I cry a little each night, and he doesn't quite understand why. He really seems to think this is all temporary, that we're going to see each other while he's living there, that it will be good for us to work on ourselves, etc. Even assuming that all to be true (which it likely is), it still SUCKS. I'm going to miss him like crazy. There isn’t a single thing I could possibly say to make this feel any better for you. Except to admit that I was feeling every raw emotion that you were a little over nine years ago. It really brings me back and reminds me of what a difficult time I had in finally making that choice. I think I might have to go get a puppy to be my cuddle buddy at night. That’s okay, Star. At least that means you’re still a long way off from becoming the crazy cat lady!
Art_Critic Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 I am. It's scary, but I'm prepared. These past few days have been the hardest, and tonight will be the worst (his last night here). I cry a little each night, and he doesn't quite understand why. He really seems to think this is all temporary, that we're going to see each other while he's living there, that it will be good for us to work on ourselves, etc. Even assuming that all to be true (which it likely is), it still SUCKS. I'm going to miss him like crazy. I think I might have to go get a puppy to be my cuddle buddy at night. SG.. by reading your post it seems you are settling into a LDR ?.. Is that what you want ?.. Do you think it is what he wants or do you think he is promising this to help with the pain of him leaving ? A LDR after the kind of closeness you both have had is going to be very difficult and require a good deal of effort and time to keep alive. I'm hoping for the best for you both
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