Im Dying from the Inside

[SmileyFace82]

Hey Richard,

 

I felt exactly the way you felt, did pretty much what you did when i was going through my break up... and even 4-5 months on, i'm still thinking about my ex. That probably won't go away for a while yet, but you learn to deal with it. The problem with people like you and i is that we are too innocent and too trusting etc. We just have to be more realistic with ourselves and not take everything to heart. My ex said the same thing as your ex did. We had our future planned etc but the next thing i know she's left me and sleeping with someone else. Yeah it was painful but it made me realise that she wasn't who i thought she was. She really isn't "the one" for me if she can do something like that to me. You've got to realise that you've actually dodged a bullet and you should look forward to the next relationship you will have. I still think my ex is this amazing girl sometimes and think that i would take her back in a second if i had a choice but then i focus on all the times when things wasn't great... the things she had done that hurt me. In time you will see this...

 

For the time being, just maintain no contact and talk and write as much as you want. Just talk with friends and family and people on here whenever you need to and it will get better. At the moment you aren't thinking straight cause you have a lot of emotions playing with your mind. Once you get past this stage you will start to think more clearly and realise that perhaps this is a good thing that has happened and you can move on and find someone who actually loves you for who you are.

[NowWhat]

Glad you are going to get that book. Let me know what you think. In the meantime, it's great that you are working out. Just like D-Lish said, you've inspired me to work out again too so that's something right?

 

I'm having a pretty rough time myself, lately so you aren't alone.

[D-Lish]

RC, I can really see how hard you are taking this.

 

Not all women are going to draw you in and abandon you.... Sometimes when we date- we just choose the wrong people, then when it doesn't work out we go nuts blaming ourselves. If nothing else, this will help you choose a better partner next time. Perhaps someone who is in the same stage of life as you are. It's not you she's running from- she is viewing life as a 20 year old girl, and a 20 year old girl simply dosn't know what she wants. She is just starting to figure out her place and path in life....while you have been in the process of doing that and establishing that for quite some time.

 

You know what you want- a healthy, stable long term relationship with someone you can trust and open up to.... someone who is thinking "forever". It's just that a 20 year old would have a hard time wrapping her head around "forever" at this stage in her life. So- she isn't running from you, she's probably running from the pressure of committing herself to "forever" at such a young age.

 

Yes, exercise helps a lot.

 

Just a thought. Have you ever questioned if you have an anxiety disorder? Often, abandonment issues manifest as anxiety.

I was adopted- and my adoptive mom never really bonded with me as her daughter- it was a superficial relationship that I struggled to solidify into something more meaningful my entire life.... but she wasn't capable of bonding with me.... and that coupled with being an adopted child left me with the same issues you describe.

 

I hate it when someone leaves me. The thought of it troubles me so much, that I get antsy and needy in my relationships.... that behaviour often pushes men away- because I contstantly test them and their love for me.

 

Maybe your abandonment issues manifest as getting overly attached?

 

I too had feelings of nervousness since I was a child... that carried on into adulthood- then I finally had an epiphany one day when I saw a commercial for an anti-anxiety medication.... I realized I had all those syptoms the commercial was focusing on, then I saw my Doc and got some help. I take meds for it now and it has helped a whole lot.

 

Just a thought. SOme of the feelings you described were familiar to me.

 

People like us internalize rejection like it's the end of the world- the worst possible thing that can happen to us. It doesn't have to be that way. We have to learn to get over that. It's about learning to like ourselves and find confidence in ourselves so we don't have to rely so much on validating our self worth through being in a relationship with someone else.

 

You are doing well with the NC.

I think that you will soon need to start working on yourself and building self confidence and self worth through your own accomplishments.

There are so many books to read.... that always helped me- and continues to help me in dark times like these.

 

You will pull through this. But you can't just sit in the hole and expect someone to come and pluck you out... you have to find your own way out. Start slow- day by day.... just like you are doing. But don't be idle- force yourself to get out and meet some small attainable goals.

 

How are you doing tonight?

D

[richardcruz]

Okay I just came back from the gym. Even prior to my breakup I have always gone to the agym. Only difference is now I have the increased dedication that only something from a life-altering event such as a breakup can give you. I went over to my supplement store and bought some sups (protien,L- glutamine etc.) to aide my training efforts. Several years ago went I went through my last breakup, I started going to the gym and with 5 months or so I was in the best shape of my life. Larger biceps, triceps the works. This time around I plan on even looking better than I did at my last peak. But even when I acheive that (which I undoubtedly will), It's the internal stuff that will still hurt just like last time. Thats the part that sucks.

 

D-Lish, its funny that you ask whether I have a anxiety disorder because I do. It is because of my high anxiety problems that my digestive problems stem from, which is why the anti-depr have been prescribed to me. It all ties in. I too have always needed the constant reassurance to in my relationships because i'm always so afraid that the person is gonna leave me. And when they do my world shatters around me. It truly is the worst feeling in the world. It makes me feel that I have lost the one person that truly loved me and understood me. But now I feel confused because I'm realizing so much information about me that never crossed my mind. One of my flaws in my relationship was that I was always needy. I'm sure she saw this as clingy especially towards the end of our relatonship. I am starting to think that I am mostly to blame for the demise of our relationship becuase of all of these internal issues which I had that can very well stem back to my childhood. Maybe then it is really my fault that she hung up on me because I begged her so much to stay because of my abandonment issues, which I wasn't even aware of uptil now. To let go of a relationship when the other person decides to leave for reasons unknown is one thing, but to let go of a relationship when I know I was mostly at fault...that I can't. I can't deal with that regret. I CANT. I JUST CANT. I know you guys tell me truth and not what I would want to hear, but everytime someone posts "now you will learn from this and apply it in your next relationship," it really hurts me. I know that she was young but I fell in love with her, and after a while our age difference never even came to mind (other than nightclubs, thats a different story). She pretty much carried herself in a very mature manner (except towards the end). I never pressured her about marriage or anything not typically sought after at her age and I always told her that I knew she was young and that we would worry about all of that when the time would come. Guys I cant let go of the fact that I want her back, and I want my relationship back. Everytime I think that this relationship is 100 % over for good, it hurts me and it gets this weird rage inside me going to the point where I just feel like grabbing my cellphone and dialing her number or texting her and telling her something, anything to keep this from happening. It happens so quickly. I fact I just came up with something that I feel like textin her, it reads like this..

' I wanted to thank you for being so patient during our realtionship, I am just starting to realize how many internal issues I had (many stemming back to things from my childhood) that I was completely not aware of and most likely strained our relationship. I only wish we could give it one more chance now knowing what I know. Things would be completely different.'

 

Guys I want her back badly, Especially if it turns out it was mostly my fault that things didn't work. I completely and utterly loved her and I cant accept the fact that I lost her because of my own doings. Im really starting to panic now that I'm just doing NC because I already screwed up my relationship and its time to move on to the next. I dont want to move on. I'm just starting to feel that I'll never hear from her again and it's making me feel like I need to call her to make things right.

[LoveIsABeauty]

The last paragraph hit home with me. Thats exactly how I feel. Exactly! But here I am sticking to NC for how many months now? Its been so long I lost count. I can't help but sometimes think maybe if I call one more time I could fix things, talk things out, do something but you know in reality it's not like how we think its going to be so why take that chance of getting hurt even worse then you are now? At least that's what I tell myself. Sucks but what can you do. I just feel really sad that we are all going through this. Sometimes I wonder if love is really worth the risk of getting hurt cause I don't know if I could deal with another heartbreak ever again...

[richardcruz]

**This entry is really weird..I think im really starting to lose it. Ive now started to psychologically fight myself. Failed love can completely break a person**

 

My text ideas on my phone in the past half hour:

 

1) Please dont let me give up on love. The only reason I still believe in love is because you.

 

2)I haven't given up on us. Please dont give up either. We've been through so much

 

3)What happended to us. We were so in love with each other.

 

4)I miss you. When I lost you I lost my bestfriend too.

 

But then i think that she'll ignore those things. I just feel like i'm losing my mind. Its like I miss her so much but a part of me is so hurt and so angry with her and can't bear to hear another hurtful thing from her. When I think of sending her one of the above mentioned texts, I worry that she'll text me back something like "I already told you I don't want to be with you," which I can completely see. Then I feel like texting one of these instead:

 

1)I am so upset with you. You treated me like dirt when the only thing ive ever done is loved you with all my heart.

 

2)I will never forgive you for doing this me. You betrayed me. I hope your happy.

 

3) I hope your happy that you hurt me deeper than anybody ever has. You have no heart. I wish I had never met you.

 

4)I will never forgive you for hurting me so bad. I wont forget what you did to me and how you treated me like garbage.

 

5)One day you will fall completely in love with someone and you'll will be the happiest you've ever been, and all of a sudden that person will walk out of your life. HE will treat you like you never meant anything to him. He will treat you like crap. What goes around comes around....bye.

 

Honestly, the "anger" ones are more genuine and accurately reflected the way i'm feeling. It's really sad that I've gotten to that point were I making up scenarios in my head of how she'd possibly respond to my texts and how i'd feel if she would in fact say these things. THAT IS THE SCARY PART. If I just knew she'd come back to me, i could let all of these feelings of anger and frustration go in a heartbeat. I would forgive her for everything she has done to me If I could just have her back. I know I'm not right in the head right now so I'm not going to text her anything. I saved all these texts in my drafts box on my phone but I couldn't for the life of me send any of them. I'm afraid to send the ones that are "happy" because Im afraid she'll just hurt me more, and also because I'm really upset at the way she treated me. However I can't send any of the angry texts because I don't want to ruin the chance of ever hearing from her, and also because I really love her......I'm just going to go to sleep and cry some. I think i'm on the verge off a break down. This is all too much.

[richardcruz]

Last night I wrote "I'm officially losing my mind" after writing "I cant let go especially if its me all along." I'm sorry that there so long. This has been one of my worst days.

[FindingMyselfAgain]

I can't think at work today. I have gotten a few things done that are priority, but then I get to thinking and it hurts. This friday will be my no NC week mark, and the more time that goes by, the more grim it starts looking as far as getting a call back from her. The longest we've gone without talking ever was two weeks. I think i'm coming to the point where I know I can't call her anymore because that would mean that I am the one that is intiating things again, when she should be the one that should call me. After all she was the one that hung up on me was I was crying and wouldn't even return my texts that night immediately after she hung up when I was just asking her to hear me out (wow that really hurts). The whole thing just keeps on replaying in my mind. "Please don't leave me, we've been through so much. Just give us one more chance. I L___ You." My voice starts getting shaky as I start to sniffle. "Why are you being so cold-hearted to me. Your hurting me." Its audible now that i'm crying. "I never did anyth"..she cuts me off. "You know what! You are over reacting! I'm not gonna have this discussion with you again" she says. "Its just that it hur.." she cuts me of again. I really don't have time for this." "Wait! Plea.." she cuts me off. "I don't have time..Bye.........dial tone. Im crying alone with the phone still in my hand. I don't have to put the receiver down; the line has already been disconnected. Out of desperation I grab my phone and start texting her. My fingers type quickly. I shoot the first text off that reads "please just hear me out." Yet I get no response. A second one follows 5 minutes later that reads "please just pick up" but no response. She's ignoring me. That second my heart shatters into a million pieces. Since that day the same thought has plagued me over and over and over. How could she treat me like that. I didn't do anything to deserve that. For the most part, I was the best man I could've been with her. I always respected her, never hung up on her, always went out of my way to help her in any way, shape or form. Sure I'm flawed. no one is perfect. But I never cheated on her, didn't cuss at her, opened doors for her, was always was affecionate with her, always tried to make her feel special. How am I deserving of this. In a way I just want her to call back just to know that she did have feelings so I know I didn't spend a year of my life with someone that was completely callous and cold-hearted. But its not looking good. If she was cold hearted enough o hang up on me when I was begging for her, I'm sure she can go through with not ever contacting me after she completely treated me like the lowest thing on this earth.

 

Why would you want such an abusive woman???

 

I have a woman who used to be in my life -- she became a crackhead at the age of 42! Her act of using was abusive to our memory, abusive to her daughter, and abusive to herself. Why would I want a horrible, abusive woman? She is nothing like I imagined. I painted an image of a woman on her face and her body and fell in love with the painting.

 

You may have done the same thing.

[82knightrider]

I was watching some crazy sheeit on the history channel called shock wave. This guy in a helicopter lost his rotor and fell to the ground . It was a mangled mess of metal but he survived. He said he treats that day like his second birthday. Hearing that guy talk just reinforces how precious life is.

Same thing with a break up.Its really tragic but life goes on.Imagine if we went through a near death experience like that.Would you still think about your ex?

So I pretend like my ex and I were on that helicopter and I survived and she didnt

I mean we wish our exes well but we have to have the mentallity like there dead.Sad but true.We cant contact a dead person right?

All we can do is mourn and move on....

[Islander]

Its a hard thing love ain't it?? Its the most amazing feeling which can make you feel invincible and then like a kick in the stomach! I'm going through some stuff at the mo and to be honest what is making me feel better is reading other peoples stories on LS and trying to lend advice. So i'll try and give some because this thread has touched me.

 

Its the simple things that make you miss a partner, I find its a smell. Must be a animal instinct or something. I get it randomly when my partner is not around. It seems like your doing a lot better from your first thread comment. Its good to see your going to the gym, i used to box so i'm thinking of helping out at the gym today, but just don't lose your mind yet!! Keep going!! Try reading some random threads, do creative things for yourself, and most of all run! It really works.

 

I know you want her back bad, i'm there with you at the moment. I'm not a religious person but i have found myself praying the last couple of days. It helps in a way too. Another idea would be to spend some money on yourself. Buy a game, dvd, cd, buy dinner with a work mate. I really know its hard, and all you want to do is speak to her, and i dont really know what the best idea is ie - this NC thing i've heard about or speaking to her. Its different for everyone.

 

Just remember, the pain your feeling in its own way, is a good thing.

 

To D-Lish and the others who have been sticking by richardcruz, i salute you guys! The world would be a better place if we all just started helping each other more!

[miami45uconn]

I was wondering how things have been going since your last post. I have been reading your posts but have not commented yet. I am going through the exact same thing your dealing with. I would call alot 1.5 months ago when it first happened and i guess that annoyed her but i guess i did it because she was the only friend i had that cared enough and the one i went to when i was upset and that had been taken away from me so i didnt know what to do. I slowly stopped but some nights i had breakdowns and called and she never answered. her friend told me she wants nothing to do wiht me from the pain i caused her ( I didnt do anything malicious or crazy, i guess calling when she didnt want me to hurt her, it wouldnt hurt me maybe annoy but hurt is just insane ) However since then she has blocked everything she changed her number, and no i didnt go nuts and call every day i just had a here and there text reminding i love her and then new years i was hammered and call alot apparently and then she changed her number after that. If you have found anything that gets your mind off of your X id love to know. I havent talked to my x in about 3 weeks i have sent 2 emails just saying sorry and trying to explain with no response. Just not thinking about her is so hard isnt it? I havent slept much and right now pulling an all nighter just to sleep for tomorrow night before i have my college course starting back up. The only light i find in this whole thing. Is that it happened to me and not her, i couldnt live with myself if i did this to her and seeing her how i am now. Thats something new i have thought about and sometimes it works.

[slipstream]

Hey mate,

 

Just read all of this thread and seeing as how i am in a similar position i thought i would give you my insight.

 

I was dumped about 7 weeks ago by a girl who i was seeing for around 11 months, similar age gap, she is 19 and i am 26. This girl was crazy about me, she was the one who approached me, asked me to start dating her etc... i didnt even know she existed untill that night i met her in a local club.

 

Anyway i usually have a rule to not "s*it on my own doorstep" ie. date girls from my own town, i broke it for her because we really hit it off.

 

We broke up two months before the real breakup, (only lasted 2 days). Anyway after the real breakup i was in bits, begging for a week after, texting etc... and then it just hit me, what the hell was i at ?? i didnt bother contacting her but she started contacting me the whole time, flirting etc... i was having none of it so told her we needed space, this made her mad because i was out enjoying myself with female friends and this got back to her, to be honest it felt like she dumped me to see if i would change and try and win her back... i wasnt about to start playing any games...

 

So it being about 22 days since NC and at the beginning it was tough but it was really a blessing in disguise. I have started back at the gym and im noticing an improvement, i have started following my childhood career dream again and im also studying for another exam...

 

My point is things happen for a reason, if she hadnt of finished with me i wouldnt have bothered going back to the gym, studying, or getting started on a career etc... i think of it as a godsend..

 

Your ex like mine is young, they need to enjoy there youth like we did and as tough as it is to think about, this means meeting members of the opposite sex, i didnt dream of having a girlfriend when i was 20 because i was having too much fun.

 

I know its hard but you really have just got to forget about her, if it is meant to be it will be and one thing is for sure, you will never get her back if you keep contacting her.

[jrkidd05]

My Ex left me it has been 46 days now since she left, weve been together almost two years (We live together for one year in that 2 yrs.). I loved her so much and I just cant get over her...One day she just told me that she's no longer happy with our relationship and she wanted out, we talked for hours and we decided to work it out and fix the relation wherevere it went wrong...that night i really thought we are going to work it out but the shock came when I come home from work only to find out that she already took all her things away and she's gone. that was the worst day of my life.

 

I tried contacting her but sometimes she simply ignore my calls, when she do answer its simply just to tell me to move on and then she will say bye i have to do something...I think she is being so mean to me. But my heart really felt so devastated up until this time, there mornings when I find it hard to breath just because of thingking of her again...but part of me wants to really move on. I dont know if sometimes she also thinks of me, I hope that if she does think of me she will remember that goodtimes.

[richardcruz]

Hello all..Tomorrow will be day 15 of NC for me , and in all honesty its been absolute hell. My bday came and went and I didn't even as receive a text from her. Every night I keep my phone close in the unlikely event that she'll call me. Every single day has been a complete struggle; everday I fight myself to keep from calling her. Today was especially bad. I was thinking about going to her house and just seeing her in person. Last time I saw her was early December. I think to myself that maybe if she sees me in person, her feelings for me will come rushing back. In my mind if feel like I have to do this and that this will bring her back. It feels like the right thing to do. It almost feels like something I have to do if I want her back. Something inside me tells me "if you want your girl, go get her, bring her back." But then again I don't know if my judgement is just being clouded with my lingering feelings for her. My friends say "How clear does she need to make it to you that she doesnt want you in her life. She's hung up on you when you were tearing up, and she didn't take the time of day to tell you happy bday. She treats you like crap. Someone being mean to you equals leave that person alone!!" In the past when she has left me, I've always been able to bring her back. But things have never gotten to this point. I really want her back, but then again I know its not fair that she has treated me like complete crap (i.e. hung up on me when I was crying for her). I know its not fair to me but I just don't care. What If I just take this one chance and somehow someway I can bring her back and slowly get back to the point were she is back in my life and I can hold her in my arms again. What if I can go back to the place where I was once happy again.

[richardcruz]

Its 12:50am in the morning and I can't sleep. I've been crying all night long. I can't do this anymore. I hurts too bad. Like I've mentioned before, my ex ex cheated on me and I gave this last girl every bit of hope and trust that was left in me only for her to dump me and treat me worse than anybody has ever treated me. Im really starting to give up on hope and I don't know what to do anymore. It's like everyday; wake up to hurt. Then come night; get into bed to hurt some more. I cant concentrate at work because the only thing that I think about is her. Im on day 14 of NC and im tired of hurting. I cant get past the fact that she treated me so cold-hearted. Its eating me up from the inside. I'm just starting to give up on ever feeling better. I'm just too depressed now.

[messiah]

My friend, you just have to try so hard to not think about her. From what i have read shes not worth your mind space, keep that space for important people. Its hard, and reality is there is no easy way through it but you just got to not think about it. Spend a lot more time with your friends and family. Youll notice how much friends and family cheer you up while your down. Learn a musical instrument, take up some sports, dance classes, Martial Arts (these are good to meet new people!) You dont need people like her in your life if she hasnt even got the disposition to talk to you like an adult. You will find someone else that will appreciate you and love you for who you are. Statistics always show that there are always single woman out there on the prowl ahaha so get out there and choose one of them (when your ready that is) I am currently in NC with my current/maybe ex gf at the mo. Its only been 4 days! and yes im struggling as well its hard to kno that you cant just txt them or call them about anything thats on your mind. But im enjoying time to myself, I look at it as if a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I hope you can see it the same way.

Edited January 24, 2008 by messiah

[dom1]

Hey Richard,

I have come on this board from time to time when things in my life were tough, because it always felt good to know there were others dealing with the same thing. But I've never been compelled to comment until I've read you're long story, because I see so much of myself in you. My comment may not be what you want to hear, but I've found it to be the truth in my life.

 

Several years ago, I lost the one girl I ever loved to another guy, probably the worst way to lose someone. She really was the best thing to ever happen to me, and when she left, I went through all the things you are going through now, for weeks, months, years now. I'm realizing now its been nearly 5 years, and I still miss her every single day, I swear I do Richard. I miss her every morning when I wake up. I think about her. She really was the "one", but as you are finding, there is absolutely nothing you can to stop someone from leaving, no matter how much you love them. If they want to go, they are as good as gone.

 

My bad news is here, its been nearly five years, and I have yet to have any kind of relationship with anyone. I have never met anyone that I could even date more than a few times. 5 Years man, it doesn't go away. You have to accept the possibility that this girl may really have been the one for you, and that she really is gone. I've had to accept that, it's been really really hard, but the idea of being alone for the rest of my life becomes more and more real every day, more and more real with every date that goes no where. It's awful, but it's true.

 

I'm sorry to not have uplifting things to say to you, but I think I'm being honest. It took me a long time to realize that I've only loved one person, and that she just doesn't love me back. It's the worst thing I can pretty much think of to experience. But I'm still here aren't I?

[babes23]

Hello Richard

 

I've been reading your thread for the past few days now as i'm going through something very similar (although that's a whole different thread). I'd just like to offer my words of support and even though it doesn't seem like it now, things WILL get better, you just need to hang onto that thought and start believing it.

 

xx

[Pikaia]

Richard,

 

My heart goes out to you. I was going through your pain in August of 2007. That month was one of the worse I've ever experienced in my life. After reading your posts, all of the feelings of dispair, betrayl and anguish poured back into me. God, I don't ever want to experience it again.. but I know that in my life I will run into those feelings again. It's almost a given. We all hope that the person that we give our heart and soul to will forever give us theirs in return.. in a perfect world that's the way it would be. The human spirit is very strong and you've shown us all that you are a lot stronger than you think!!

 

15 days with NC! That is truly something to be proud of. Even though you are hurting deeply, you've stuck to your goals. Please remember that you deserve someone that will love you for who you are and be honest while treating you with respect. You're gonna get that someday, I know it.

 

I was not as strong as you, sadly. I contacted my ex and it didn't work out so well. You are doing the right thing!!! By not contacting her, you are giving her a chance to miss you. If SHE truly wants you back, she WILL call you, she WILL let you know. That's the only way you should want it. You don't want to be with someone who doesn't truly love you and want to be with YOU.

 

Best wishes my friend.. You are an amazing person.

[82knightrider]

Hey Richard,

I have come on this board from time to time when things in my life were tough, because it always felt good to know there were others dealing with the same thing. But I've never been compelled to comment until I've read you're long story, because I see so much of myself in you. My comment may not be what you want to hear, but I've found it to be the truth in my life.

 

Several years ago, I lost the one girl I ever loved to another guy, probably the worst way to lose someone. She really was the best thing to ever happen to me, and when she left, I went through all the things you are going through now, for weeks, months, years now. I'm realizing now its been nearly 5 years, and I still miss her every single day, I swear I do Richard. I miss her every morning when I wake up. I think about her. She really was the "one", but as you are finding, there is absolutely nothing you can to stop someone from leaving, no matter how much you love them. If they want to go, they are as good as gone.

 

My bad news is here, its been nearly five years, and I have yet to have any kind of relationship with anyone. I have never met anyone that I could even date more than a few times. 5 Years man, it doesn't go away. You have to accept the possibility that this girl may really have been the one for you, and that she really is gone. I've had to accept that, it's been really really hard, but the idea of being alone for the rest of my life becomes more and more real every day, more and more real with every date that goes no where. It's awful, but it's true.

 

I'm sorry to not have uplifting things to say to you, but I think I'm being honest. It took me a long time to realize that I've only loved one person, and that she just doesn't love me back. It's the worst thing I can pretty much think of to experience. But I'm still here aren't I?

 

that sucks lol

[dom1]

I suck?

I don't think I suck. I think I have a pretty decent life, I live it basically alone, but I don't have much to complain about. I was just trying to be honest about my experience to Richard. Sometimes our worst fears come true, and then we realize they aren't so bad.

 

I wrote that I have never met anyone since that "one" left me. I haven't. But will I meet someone tomorrow? Or the day after? Or next year? Maybe. I can't say.

 

I was just trying to tell you Richard, for some people like me, these feelings don't really ever go away, they stay with you for a very long time, maybe forever. But you learn to live your life, eventhough you still feel this way, you learn that things that happen to you, change you, and make you a different person everyday. I am certainly a different person now than I was before I met my love, a different person even that I was when I was with her. We all change. Am I kind of a lonely guy? Yeah, I am. But I'm ok. I maintain the belief that the REAL "one" might be right around every corner, everyday, but until that happens, I'm still OK. I was trying to tell Richard, he will be OK too.