Im Dying from the Inside

[richardcruz]

Thank you for reading my post. I broke it up into two parts; The Story, and my efforts to cope..

 

The Story:

I am 28 years old and just got dumped by my 20 yr old girlfriend of 1 year. We just celebrated our one year anniversary. throughout our relationship she had always tried to pull away. I guess her personality kind of makes her push away when things start getting intense. By that i mean she broke up with me three times throughout our relatonship because she would say that she wasnt ready for this. Well each time she'd do that, she would come back a few days later and of course I would take her back right away because I really loved her. But towards the end of our relationship she started acting really distant(i.e. not calling, going out with her friends and almost ingnoring me). After a few weeks of it, I called her on it and she told me that she needed time alone to think what she really wanted Reluctantly I gave her the time. I caled her during this break and she would call and text me too. But after a month I noticed that she stopped communicating and it was just me calling her.I called her on it and when i asked her why, she would just give me vague answers like 'i dont know.' So I kept calling and begging her to come back (big mistake). She didnt budge. It really hurt and I felt she was the only one that could stop the pain. A few days ago, I called her crying my eyes out telling her that everytime she came back, I took her back. She replied that was along time ago. Once I started audibly crying, she told me that I was over reacting and she said she didnt have time for that....Then she hung up on me while I was crying for her. I called her immediately after and texted her..But she would pick up or text back. I was texting her "please just hear me out". She ignored me. THAT NIGHT I FELT THAT MY HEART DIED. I realized at that moment that she had no love or respect for me if she could do that to me. That was four days ago.. I have been NC since..

 

Coping:

Everyday since I have been so devestated. For two of those days Ive laid in bed sleeping from depression only to wake up and start crying. Ive been on 20 mg (low dose) anti-depr for digestive probs that hasnt been helping much. I havent ate much and I am starting to lose weight. I can't stop crying. Im from So-Cal so theres alot of nightlife, but when i go out none of the girls there look like her, smile like her, or laugh like her. In other words..I just want what I had. Ive already done the whole club scene for many years and Im sick of it. But i feel like I have to be out instead of staying home. When I go out, I dont feel like socializing or dancing and I feel like bursting into tears, yet when i stay home all I do is cry and think about things. I dont wanna meet anyone right now because I just dont feel ready at all, but maybe just taking to other girls will help me get my mind of things. But all Ill probably talk about is my breakup and thats not good. As you can see I am completely confused out of my mind. I want the hurt to stop. I realy feel like ive lost my heart and that I'm dying inside. She was like my bestfriend and we used to talk all the time. I feel so alone now and I feel like im not gonna get over this. I wish she could just call me and tell me she loves me an make all this go away..but I know thats not going to happen. Everything hurts and everything I see reminds me of her. I just want to close my eyes and sleep for the next few months. Please anyone help. Im a wreck and I feel like I lost my heart.

[bloodaye]

im going thru the same thing dude,i cant stay home,but when im out it doesnt feel right,i look at all the happy couples dancing and smiling,it almost makes me feel worse,but when im home,i feel like i need to b somewhere,cause i live alone and it gets so lonely and boring.When im out i spend money i really shuldnt b spending then i feel guilty,and i have soemthing else to b depressed about.I think to myself,hell,shes prolly out having fun,why shuldnt i? But it doesnt fill the void at all.I wake up in the morning after drinking and feel 10 times worse and it starts a vicious cycle.I mean i have friends i have family,so im not alone,but why does this one individual make me feel like i have nothing? and why does she make me feel so lost? I dont get it. I know shes seeing someone else,but we did spend a day together over the holidays,which went well and she held my hand and we cuddled. I didnt understand that cause at the time she was with another person,but seemed so into me at the time.Since then she hasnt spoken to me,and i regret seeing her,cause it totally confused me and messed me up. So i know exactly how u feel,its hell,why we feel like this i will never know,cause deep down i know its ridiculous,but it doesnt seem to fade.Why is that?

[richardcruz]

Bloodaye:

That makes two of us. Eveyone says look past your situation and understand that it could be worse. And you know what, they are right. But that still doesnt help. Im going through hell right now and everytime if feel like this I ask myself how could she do this to me after all we've been through. How can she be so cold-hearted after we did so much together and I gave her my all. I took her back when she left the other times so why cant she realize that and say she'll give us another chance. I even told her just to try for us, if not that then for all the good that I did in our relationship. She said she couldn't. I starting to hate myself for letting this happen. She was the last hope that I had in relationships. My ex gf left me after year, which I found out a month later that she was cheating on me. I used to tell this recent gf that she restored faith in me at a time when i was just about to give up in believing in people. Then she does this. I dont see any light at the end of the tunnel and things seem to get worse and worse. I hate the person I was for letting this happen. I cant stop hurting.

[bloodaye]

i feel the same,i think to myself,why am i so friggin weak? How can i let one individual mess me up so much?.Do u think she is hurting? NO she isnt,shes out doing her thing while we sit here all pathetic like. I know its absolutly ridiculous to let this fester and i do know this,but it just wont go away. Do you realize when we were together,we were planning on having kids,getting married,she told me she never loved anyone like she loves me,always telling me how great i am,that we will b together 4ever and so forth.Then outta nowhere one day she says shes leaving me,im not saying i was perfect noone is,but how can u have all these good intentions and say such great things,and then all of a sudden up and leave? Not only that but within a month b with someone else? WTF is that? i culd never in a million yrs spend almost 2 yrs with someone and then within a month be romantically involved with another,that wuld b the last thing on my mind,i just cant seem to shake this lousy empty feeling no matter how hard i try,its unbelievable,its in my head constantly. I picture her saying the same things to this guy and i imagine them in bed together oh god it just eats away at me,i try not to think about it,but it always lingers in the back of my head,i cant even enjoy a night out with my pals cause its constantly in my mind,why? i dunno,sometimes i think im abnormal.

[dell]

(and girls that maybe going through a similar sitch),

as hard as this time may be, know that it has a purpose, and it will eventually end.

it's probably difficult to see light at this time, but try to see the positives. for example, at least she/he got out of the relationship fairly early and curtly. it would likely hurt even more (though that would end too) if prolonged, and then wouldn't be good for either of you. further, many partners feel guilted into staying or aren't strong enough to cut the strings entirely (e.g. coming back and inflicting pain over and over again). this 'sharper' pain, will enable quicker healing.

you will go through phases of pain, hate, understanding. let them happen, it's totally understandable that you may not want to go party (even though everyone says to "get out there"), you will eventually get there.

best of luck

[bloodaye]

i realize that,i really do,but it doesnt seem to matter how much i try to come to grips with it and say to myself " damn boy,snap outt of it!" it doesnt work. Im a thinker to begin with,its hard to get crap outta my head,i stew over things way too much,and on top of that im a very emotional person,so that doesnt help. Im my own worst enemy,i understand that. I feel alot of guilt over my recent expulsed relationship,i think stuff like what if i appreciated her more when i had the chance,or if i did this or said that,it drives me crazy,i was great to her in many ways,but i lacked in others,and the guilt is killing me,sometimes i wish i culd turn back time. I know this isnt a good thing to do,but im gonna get out of my ****ty apt and go for a few beers,i just need to get the hell out

[timjones0674]

Listen I admit I answer girls differently than I answer guys simply because I know guys think differently... Meaning we should not be pampered...

 

First... Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You should not have been dating a 20 year old at 28yr anyway and was asking for troubles. That age separation is either really messed up, or your maturity level is super low... Either way, it is bad news...

 

Second... Start running and exercising now and get off the anti-depressents... On a low dose they are doing nothing for you anyway, and you would get allot better results by running 3 to 5 miles a day. Just remember to keep running until your mind is clear... Also, you dont have to consult a doctor on that one, in that it is just common sense stuff...

 

Third.. Realize the obvious.. As a guy, stop focusing on the little girls and start focusing on yourself for once. Women are not attracted to men who chase.... Meaning, I have never chased a woman in my life and dont really care too, but oddly enough I am never been without a date when I want one. Why?? Simple.. Because I dont care... Whether I am dating someone or not really does not matter to me, and women know this... Hence, they chase me because I focus on my life and not them.. Starting to see my point??

[sedgwick]

My younger brother is 29 and dating a 20 year old (she just turned 20), and he's so in love with her, and I really worry about him. It is inevitable that it will end. I was still a child at 20. I was a sophomore in college and all I wanted to do was go out and party and hang out with my friends. I broke a lot of hearts at that age, because I'd be into a guy for a few months and then I'd meet someone else and move on. I didn't want to get serious. This has nothing to do with you, just like it had nothing to do with the guys I was dating. I was just young and fickle, and I was cute and I wanted to go out and flirt. It's part of the process of figuring out who you are. I really didn't feel like I was ready for an actual relationship until I was in my mid-20s, and that's when I fell in love and had my heart totally shattered for the first time. In many ways, that's when I feel I really became an adult.

 

Don't go after her crying. You have to just let her go. You'll find someone your own age and it'll be a world of difference. I know this all sounds like platitudes, but it's really, really true.

[timjones0674]

My younger brother is 29 and dating a 20 year old (she just turned 20), and he's so in love with her, and I really worry about him. It is inevitable that it will end. I was still a child at 20.

 

Hey I am not saying dont mess with the youngins... I certainly have had my fun with the young ones, but even the sex is bad really.... What I am saying is dont get your heart broken by them and then complain later... I mean we are guys after all...

[richardcruz]

Tim:

Thanks for the post. Ive heard that from a few people now that running works wonders. Ive had a strict weightlifting routine that I was on. Working out helped me in the past and built my confidence but I dont know why this breakup has really done a number on me and everytime I go to the gym i just think of everything thats going on in my life and it bugs the s**t out of me. Once i'm there i just feel like going home. As far as her age goes.. I, like most people that have fallen for a younger girl see something else in her and I thought she was pretty mature for her age. In the back of my head I was thinking 'If we could just grow together we will be okay.' Everyone tells you that its a bad idea but then you think to yourself that this is the own that will beat all of the odds. Guess I was wrong.

[D-Lish]

The bottom line is that nothing anyone can say is going to make you feel better at the moment.

 

As for this being your last hope for a relationship- you're wrong. You may feel this to be the case right now- but you'll get back on the horse again one day.

 

I have been there too- after almost a decade with someone, I found myself alone and back in the dating scene.

 

It took time and a lot of soul searching to turn things around. It's only been 4 days for you. And doing the NC really is the best thing for you. 4 Days is so fresh- it's okay to allow yourself a few days in bed and some crying time.... it's all a part of the healing process. But you can't hide under the sheets for too long.

 

I disagree that you should just discontinue the anti-depressants. Speak to your doctor about this first. I started anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds a while after my break up- and they really helped. It didn't make the situation go away- but it gave me the tools to handle things better. I also started going to the gym in conjunction with the meds- and between the two, I really started feeling better.

There's no shame in taking anti-depressants... if you're truly depressed, your doc might suggest upping your dose to get you through this time. But that is between you and your doc.

 

In the meantime- It helps to talk to others- and that is what you are doing here. That will help you a little- just knowing you are not alone in what you are going through.

 

A 20 year old girl doesn't know what she wants.... that's the bottom line. When i was 20, I had an older boyfriend- and he was thinking of settling down and I was starting university and firguring out where my life was headed. I left him shortly after starting univeristy when I realized our paths were heading in two different directions.

 

You can and will recover from this.... but you can't do it from your bed. Start slowly, get yourself outside, doing things... seeing friends, etc.

And yes- exercise will help too.

[oppath]

great advice D-lish!

[SmileyFace82]

Hey RichardCruz,

 

I think many of us have been in the same situation as you have. I certainly did 5 months ago when i'd split up with my ex. I cried and begged for her back etc. I stayed in bed, i stayed miserable and i lost a lot of weight aswell... to the point where people almost didn't recognise me anymore. And thinking back, i realised how stupid i was. Look, it's going to take some time for you to get over her and for you to move on but staying NC will definitely help your situation. I wish i knew all this at the time of my break up rather than later on. I feel like i've lost a few months of my life by the way i had reacted after my relationship had ended...i've finally managed to jump over a couple of hurdles now and i've made a real effort to meet new people and expand my network. I am still in pain sometimes as i love my ex, but i know the pain won't go away overnight. It will slowly subside and in the meantime we must focus our energy on being with our family and friends, and also meeting new people. You need to keep yourself close to people who actually care about YOU!

 

You must always look at the positive... your relationship ending was a good thing... although i know it doesn't feel like it at the moment, you have dodged a bullet. There is someone else out there who will cherish and care about you just as much as you care about them.

[richardcruz]

Thank you all for your posts. I appreciate all of you taking your time and your feedback. Its 12:00 am out in my neck of the woods. In a way I wish time would go by quickly like I had mentioned before so I could be in a different part of my life, but then again i'm afraid of the passing of time. See once time passes, she will be out of my life and everything will seem like a distant dream. Just the thought of my relationship just being a phase in my life deeply hurts me. I thought I was going to marry this girl once she finished school. I don't want to let go but then again what choice do I have. The sanitation department picks up the trash on Mondays here. A few minutes ago I threw on a jacket and went outside and drew out a brown paper bag from the bottom of the trash can containing all of our photos. In my past relationships I typically disgard everything that has any meaning to me of her because obviously this person didn't truly love me. But this time around it just hurt too much to do so. I placed the bag deep inside my garage, where it is out of sight. I love her so much. I don't want this just to be some part of my life that will pass. This was my future (tearing up). I hate her for putting me through this, but yet I gave her my heart and I love her so much..

[richardcruz]

I want to call her. I want to beg her to reconsider and take me back. I want to say something to make her change her mind but I've already said everything I could and nothing worked. She's annoyed by me now and my words are meaningless. I want to remind her of some memory that we shared that maybe she hasn't thought about. I want my gf back. The one I used to hold and kiss. The one I used to lay down with and watch movies. (crying) I want the girl that used to tell me that she would feel all tingly when she would see me. Not his cold-hearted girl that I don't recognize and has no regard for me or my feelings. I feel like she left me to die. I feel so betrayed and so lost. She promised me that she would stick by my side through thick and thin. She promised. Maybe if something tragic would happen to me tommorow, she would feel the pain that i'm feeling right now. I don't feel like i'm going to make it out this time. I've been crying for the past few days and it hurts deeply. My life is consumed by grief and i can't bear it anymore. I feel hopeless. I feel alone. I can't do this anymore. Today alone felt like an eternity. The only relief I have is when I sleep, and Ive been sleeping excessively these days. I dont think i'm gonna pull through this time.

[D-Lish]

But the thing is, you will pull through.

 

I want you to listen very closely to what I have to say...

Almost 10 years I was in a relationship- then I married him. He knocked up a waitress on a business trip... and the marriage was over- just like that- I found out and I had to walk away despite loving him with all my heart.

 

I had never felt so much pain- and I thought I would never get out of that deep hole of despair. But I did. I really did.

 

People make promises- people live in the moment and they say things that they mean at the time.... but time and situations change things.

 

Don't you dare go and do something harmful to yourself to get attention from this girl. You'll regret it like hell later... and you don't want her coming to you out of pity.... you truly don't.

 

4 Days.... that's where you are at. This first month will suck ass. But you have the tools to get through it. Crying, lamenting, talking to your friends, venting here.... those are the tools that will deaden some of the pain.

 

Okay, it doesn't help to say that she is obviously not the girl for you- you don't want to hear those things. I know I didn't. This is painful for you- and you do need to get that crying and pain out of your system... that's cool to experience for a short while.

 

DO NOT allow yourself to remain in this state longer than is necessary. As soon as you feel ready, concentrate on something new- a project- something- anything. Me? I hit the gym, lost 40 lbs, and then hooked up with a gf that was going through the same situation. We healed one another and have both moved on and find our selves so much happier.

 

Keep talking okay? We are listening.

[richardcruz]

Thank you so much for your support. Today is the first day that Ive gone back to work because I felt I needed to take a few days off. It is very hard to be here and I'm finding it really hard to concentrate. I feel so hurt almost to the point were it feels like people can physically see my pain. The part of me that used to be happy and joyful died. I've been avoiding any eye contact. I don't want anyone to look me in the eyes..I don't want them to see the emptiness and despair in them. This morning as I woke up, I was going to text her that I still love her, but then as I was selecting her from my contacts I stopped myself. What can I say to bring her back. Will it just make it worse if I let her know I'm still thinking about her..

[salsah]

Hi richardcruz,

 

Just found this site cos I'm kinda there at the moment too. It's 5am in the morning and I can't sleep because dreams haunt my thoughts and I know how you feel. I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling down, that you're feeling awful. I'm not sure what I can say to help, but perhaps that at this point in time, just hope for better things. Just hang on to just any bit of hope. That's what I"m trying to do. Occassionally, you will have bad days and when it happens it will be BAD. But occassionally you will have good days too. It starts off small, one or two good days in a week...then a few more. I'm having a bad day at the moment, but it's only because of a dream. We can all choose to let a thought bring you completely down, or we can choose to try to shrug it off and try and stand up again. It's hard to get back up from such a great fall. But it can happen and it will happen.

 

Hang in there. From my experience, it won't happen overnight. It doesn't seem to just suddenly happen, but back 3 months ago, I was slipping, with very little to hold on to. But there are people who will always be there to help you out. Be brave, be strong. And listen to D-lish. That's some healthy advice!

[bloodaye]

hey bro,trust me i know how u feel,long days where u just dont feel like doing anything but stay home and drink,those endless boring nights,i know im feeling it.The thing with me is i dont want a romantic relationship with her anymore,it wuldnt work.But what is killing me inside right now is that she doesnt even want to b friends,i already know she is with another guy,im passed that,altho i wont lie it does make me cringe thinkin bout it,i just miss hangin with her and just doin friend stuff u know what i mean? and she doesnt even want to do that,i dont get it,its like i have the plague all of a sudden,how do people flip a switch like that? Even if i had a new love interest i wuld nt b so into it that i wuld forget about other people i care about,what goes thru theire head is beyond me,cause im not like that,can someone explain why people change so drastically practically overnight,its hurts more that she doesnt even want me as a buddy,like im a piece of crap all of a sudden,thats killer

[D-Lish]

Thank you so much for your support. Today is the first day that Ive gone back to work because I felt I needed to take a few days off. It is very hard to be here and I'm finding it really hard to concentrate. I feel so hurt almost to the point were it feels like people can physically see my pain. The part of me that used to be happy and joyful died. I've been avoiding any eye contact. I don't want anyone to look me in the eyes..I don't want them to see the emptiness and despair in them. This morning as I woke up, I was going to text her that I still love her, but then as I was selecting her from my contacts I stopped myself. What can I say to bring her back. Will it just make it worse if I let her know I'm still thinking about her..

 

I'm glad you went back to work.

It's a small step amogst many that will pull you out of this.

And don't text her- I am glad you didn't.

 

Yes, you were right to assume that any further contact will annoy her. The best tactic you have is to continue with the NC, no matter how badly you want to text her.... don't do it. It might even be a good idea to remove her from your contact list so you won't be tempted.

[richardcruz]

I'm at my desk cracking my knuckles. I push the palms of my hands into the side of my head. I'm a mess. Every minute ticks by and the only thing I can think of is her..I have to text her. Not doing so is going up against everything that I feel. It feels like she's going to forget about me the longer I leave her alone. She seemed very adament about her decision and said to me "Thats my decision and I'm sticking to it. You know how I am when I decide something." Does that really mean it is the end. Can some miracle from God happen (I actually am religious) were she comes back after not hearing from me for sometime even though I pretty much begged her to stay the last time we talked. Can even the most hardened of hearts change. I don't want her to forget about me and I feel by doing NC that I'm doing her a favor in allowing her to move on from this stage in her life and making it emotionally easy for her to walk away from the relationship we had. Will all the good that I did in our relationship come into play now and make her think twice about us. I want her back so bad. When she supposedly needed time this past month, the longest we went with NC was a week and a half..then I called and she started calling too. But she still arrived to the conclusion that she didn't want to be with me after my continious pestering. Will this time that I'm actually leaving her alone be any different. Will she think to herself "oh s**t, this time he is really not calling anymore." Its all the unknown that drives me crazy. I feel like making it an early day from work and going home so I can sleep and forget about everything. That way time will go by faster.

[PLAYBRAT]

Hi Richard.

 

I can't tell you if your ex will come back to you or not....but I can tell you if she does it WON'Tbebecause you keep contacting her. She needs

to get what she asked for. A woman will not go back to a crying sniveling mess of a man. I am not saying that to be mean to you....I am being honest. Even though women SAY they want a man who cries, they don't wantit to be to them.

 

The more you can show ( even if it IS an act) that you DON'T want or

need her the more attractive you will become to her.

Please don't text her about how much you love her. She knows that. She heard you crying over her. If she wasn't fazed then she is either just not at a place where she CAN appreciate you yet. That might take some time.

 

Now that said.....let me say this. There may be a point that she DOES

decide to come back or contact you. I will reiterate...this HAS to be on HER terms and not because you are pestering her. IF this happens....

DO NOT answer the phone (if you see her number) OR do not text her back right away. I am telling you this because if you do.....she will

KNOW you are still weak. You only want to answer her when you're no longer weak or when the sound of her voice is all you want to hear. No....

once she calls or contacts you....you call the shots. She broke up with YOU. You are are no longer under any obligation to her. Please do not forget that.

 

I am saying this because I know in the throes of heartbreak we will do ANYthing to get that phone call or text. All reasoning and commion sense goes out the window. We think they are doing us such a huge favor when in fact they should feel LUCKY if we ever talk to them again.

 

Anyway.....the bottom line is....if she decides to come back

you need to decide if YOU are willing to have her back.

If you forget that...re read this post .....I promise you will not regret it.

[richardcruz]

I've been trying to find something, some set of words, a saying, anything really to give me the strength I need to keep from calling or texting her....and that might have just been it. You're right, I spilled my heart out (which now I wish I hadn't) and she just hung up on me when I was crying. I guess anything with emotion or sentiment from me won't work. It just feels so ass backwards but your right...absolutely right. Its hard to make logical decisions when you're a complete mess, but if I sit down and think about it, why would something that hasn't worked for over a month all of a sudden start to work now. If she comes back or contacts me, it will be on her own account without any pressure from me. This is day 5 of NC for me and its been hell. Everytime i've felt like texting her, i've entered my message and have just sent it to myself. I don't want to give back the little dignity I have left in me. I'm afraid that texting her will kill any progress (i.e, regrets, thoughts, feelings) that might be unknowingly happening in her mind. The last time she texted me was the day after we had argued and she texted me saying how ridiculous I was acting that night and that she hoped I didn't have anything more to say. I never responded and haven't since..I don't want to lose that hair of dignity. I lost all the rest of it. Thank you so much for your advice. If only I could feel like the way I feel right now every second of my day. Those bad feeling and habits just come with a vengeance and are unbearable.

[PLAYBRAT]

Richard...I know this is hard for you. I really do.

I know it's easy for me to sit here and say what I think you should do..

I am not in your shoes, but I have been there. Sometimes all you can

do is "suck it up". Someone gave you good advice about working out.

Right now it is your best defense with all the negative energy you feel.

I remember going through a breakup once....I worked out until my

body dropped. I pushed myself so much i didn;t have time for anything else. From morning till night. Right now..the WORST thing you can do is have idle time on your hands.

 

Get a planner and plan the next two weeks. Seriously. Every single day..

from morning to night. Make sure you plan at least an hour a day to work out. Try not to leave too much free time.

If you can make plans with someone so you will be obliagted to them.

Whatever it is. Dinner, a movie etc......BUT do NOT discuss your breakup

during these visits. It is forbidden.

 

Next ...get a journal.If you must get your thoughts out...write them down every night....even if it's just 'I HATE MY LIFE". Do it. Express it...Get it out. But then leave it there....Repeat and rinse.

Don't try to plan longer than two weeks. Right now two weeks

is going to seem like a lifetime...but do it anyway.. Right NOW

you need to feel some control over your life and your emotions....this will help.I promise.

[RichC]

This is just going to be a time when you are going to have to accept that you are going to go through pain. There is no way to feel any better except to just gut it out. It sounds like a cop out answer but there really is no other way. Just remember that YOU have to reach out for help if you need it, and, to monitor yourself. Your reactions about her over time, what you think about during the day, your activities, etc. Your goal is to function normally without the thought of her dibilitating you. That may seem far ahead and it may be but this is something you will have to go through. You can wallow in "whoa is me" for awhile but DO NOT GET STUCK THERE. That way lies endless pain. You have to develop some kind of emotional body armor to deal with it. This is your chance to do it.