Lights Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 I'd be curious how you all handle it. If one's in a situation wherein one's interests put one around an undesired demographic, how much should one sell out one's interests? I've made the mistake of 'selling out' and spending my time doing things I wasn't interested in just to be able to find myself in a different demographic, but it quickly wrecked my patience and left me with little more than boredom and anger. Does anyone know if there's a better way? I'm asking this more in general than with a specific situation in mind; I've seen this happen both with the matter of finding women (I have an extremely male-dominated everyday life and my interests are also male-dominated, so the "go do what you enjoy!" canard translates into not meeting any women of interest except by pure low-percentage accident) as well as with finding friends or associates (witnessed a few betrayals, found that some of the interests put me around people I don't want to be around more than necessary). I'd be curious to hear all your thoughts; I'm sure there are other people who are in similar situations.
crosswordfiend Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 Got any specifics? I once had a roommate who worked as an engineer at a start up and liked playing poker and driving fast cars around a track. Talk about no women. He could actually count all the women who ever walked into his building at work on one hand.
Author Lights Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 (edited) Got any specifics? I once had a roommate who worked as an engineer at a start up and liked playing poker and driving fast cars around a track. Talk about no women. He could actually count all the women who ever walked into his building at work on one hand. Well, I actually held back deliberately on the specifics mainly because my own situations's specifics might be different from other people's, and I didn't want to exclude them from sharing their own experiences. To answer your question, though, my experience is pretty much like what your old roommate was like. I'm also in a male-dominated industry, but I'm not too worried about that (office romances aren't what I'm looking for), but like the example you gave, I'm lucky to spot a cute woman that often simply because when I have free time I'm not in a place where single attractive women are. (These days most of my off-time has been spent at the gym, but my other interests are even more guy-heavy.) Occasionally I see a cute woman at the gym or while shopping, but the former situation is quite rare and is difficult to time effectively without interfering with my own training, and attempting to meet someone while shopping has never resulted in anything but a suspicious stare and them hurrying off. These days the only time I even see a woman of potential interest, it's purely by luck and I can go weeks to months without even seeing any at a distance (although if I travel to a nearby big city, I can see more of them at a distance, but that's as far as it gets, as closing the distance is often impracticable or they've already passed by by the time I noticed them). There were several times I sold out my interests, vainly sacrificing them so I could spend time in places where there were more women, or where popular culture tells everyone that single interested women are. (Some examples of moronic and disgusting past Lights behavior include going to so-called "singles bars" [where strangely, no one dares to actually meet anyone else, but hides within their tribes they came with rather than actually pick up a single person] and nightclubs, accepting invitations to parties, or taking up hobbies that I find boring such as dance classes or other activities which happen to have more women but do not interest me.) I will never do that again; I'm still angry at having been fooled multiple times in such a fashion. With regards to friends, I don't want to go into too much detail here about specifically who or where, but I certainly can say that I could work on picking them more effectively if I had more choice about who I found around. Anyways, I specifically tried to avoid this so it wouldn't turn into a Lights-whine-fest but rather become a compilation of various people's experiences and solutions, but there are your answers. Do you know what your roommate did to provide his life with an infusion of single women, assuming he was interested in meeting more of them at the time, without selling out what he valued? Edited January 15, 2008 by Lights
konfuzd Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 Single women live life like anyone else: we go to grocery stores, walk in the park, get our mail, rent movies for a dateless weekend alone, take public transit, shop..... we don't just show up and knock on your door. Get out and just live, don't go out with the intent of getting a date. Us girls can smell it on you, it's like a predator/prey game, and we don't like to feel like a field mouse. I had a great conversation with a guy in the line up at a hardware store this weekend. He simply asked, "what's that you've got there? looks interesting" (it was a car rack for my mountain bike). Nothing ended up happening from the conversation, but he left an impression because it was just a simple non-threatening conversation. -I wouldn't have been opposed if he asked for my digits, but I'm not dissapointed either. He made me smile and that's what counts.
Author Lights Posted January 16, 2008 Author Posted January 16, 2008 Get out and just live, don't go out with the intent of getting a date. That is merely a repetition of the reason behind my question. Maybe I should have been clearer that the reason I wrote all of that is because "just living" isn't putting me around enough of women of interest, and also that attempts at going places I was not interested in showing up at with the intention of getting a date have all backfired. So now I'm kind of stuck in a damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don't situation. I had a great conversation with a guy in the line up at a hardware store this weekend. He simply asked, "what's that you've got there? looks interesting" (it was a car rack for my mountain bike). Nothing ended up happening from the conversation, but he left an impression because it was just a simple non-threatening conversation. -I wouldn't have been opposed if he asked for my digits, but I'm not dissapointed either. He made me smile and that's what counts. Well, you certainly sound more friendly than most anything I've been encountering. If more people responded like that to attempts at conversation, the whole deal wouldn't be nearly so frustrating and infuriating. Although it is a separate issue from dealing with gender ratios though.
konfuzd Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 Occasionally I see a cute woman at the gym or while shopping, but the former situation is quite rare and is difficult to time effectively without interfering with my own training, and attempting to meet someone while shopping has never resulted in anything but a suspicious stare and them hurrying off. How do you approach a woman in a store? The goal is to make her feel comfortable with you, not threatened by you. Obviously you're sending the wrong vibes if you send them "hurrying off" or maybe you're approaching women far out of your league. Where do you live? Is there a high percentage of b*tches in your area? I can't see anyone running away from a simple pleasantry. That's where you need to start... just say 'hi', or easier yet, smile, and guage her reaction before you pounce. Maybe you're coming on too strong, too soon.
Storyrider Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 Well, I actually held back deliberately on the specifics mainly because my own situations's specifics might be different from other people's, and I didn't want to exclude them from sharing their own experiences. To answer your question, though, my experience is pretty much like what your old roommate was like. I'm also in a male-dominated industry, but I'm not too worried about that (office romances aren't what I'm looking for), but like the example you gave, I'm lucky to spot a cute woman that often simply because when I have free time I'm not in a place where single attractive women are. (These days most of my off-time has been spent at the gym, but my other interests are even more guy-heavy.) Occasionally I see a cute woman at the gym or while shopping, but the former situation is quite rare and is difficult to time effectively without interfering with my own training, and attempting to meet someone while shopping has never resulted in anything but a suspicious stare and them hurrying off. These days the only time I even see a woman of potential interest, it's purely by luck and I can go weeks to months without even seeing any at a distance (although if I travel to a nearby big city, I can see more of them at a distance, but that's as far as it gets, as closing the distance is often impracticable or they've already passed by by the time I noticed them). There were several times I sold out my interests, vainly sacrificing them so I could spend time in places where there were more women, or where popular culture tells everyone that single interested women are. (Some examples of moronic and disgusting past Lights behavior include going to so-called "singles bars" [where strangely, no one dares to actually meet anyone else, but hides within their tribes they came with rather than actually pick up a single person] and nightclubs, accepting invitations to parties, or taking up hobbies that I find boring such as dance classes or other activities which happen to have more women but do not interest me.) I will never do that again; I'm still angry at having been fooled multiple times in such a fashion. With regards to friends, I don't want to go into too much detail here about specifically who or where, but I certainly can say that I could work on picking them more effectively if I had more choice about who I found around. Anyways, I specifically tried to avoid this so it wouldn't turn into a Lights-whine-fest but rather become a compilation of various people's experiences and solutions, but there are your answers. Do you know what your roommate did to provide his life with an infusion of single women, assuming he was interested in meeting more of them at the time, without selling out what he valued? Good post, Lights. I don't think this sounds like a whine fest. I like the way you were straight forward and specific about what is going on with you. I don't know that I have answers, but I still think you're on the right track with explaining the problem. Are you opposed to Internet dating, like Match.com or one of those? You are articulate in writing, which is good for that venue.
Author Lights Posted January 16, 2008 Author Posted January 16, 2008 How do you approach a woman in a store? The goal is to make her feel comfortable with you, not threatened by you. Obviously you're sending the wrong vibes if you send them "hurrying off" or maybe you're approaching women far out of your league. Where do you live? Is there a high percentage of b*tches in your area? I can't see anyone running away from a simple pleasantry. That's where you need to start... just say 'hi', or easier yet, smile, and guage her reaction before you pounce. Maybe you're coming on too strong, too soon. In most of the recent situations specific to being out shopping, I was generally within an indoor-mall-type area or occasionally in a bookstore/coffeeshop, and someone happened to have passed nearby; it never got anywhere beyond me saying hi and getting ignored and/or passed by, so I don't really have any further information on it. I'm in the northeastern USA at the moment. I wouldn't doubt that bytchcraft is quite an exoteric art here, widely practiced by both genders.
Leoni Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 Is it possible to expand your interests without selling-out?
Author Lights Posted January 16, 2008 Author Posted January 16, 2008 Is it possible to expand your interests without selling-out? It is, hopefully once time clears up a bit in future.
Storyrider Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 Is it possible to expand your interests without selling-out? Great question! All of us could stand to broaden our interests.
Author Lights Posted January 16, 2008 Author Posted January 16, 2008 Good post, Lights. I don't think this sounds like a whine fest. I like the way you were straight forward and specific about what is going on with you. I don't know that I have answers, but I still think you're on the right track with explaining the problem. Are you opposed to Internet dating, like Match.com or one of those? You are articulate in writing, which is good for that venue. Thanks, Storyrider. I had been opposed to internet dating and friend stuff in general in the past (it went against what I wanted to see in my life, which was some serious improvement in on-the-spot in-person activity from all people including myself), but things haven't ever worked out that way and I've actually considered dealing with online stuff, but haven't gotten around to it at this time. I'll see how things go...
Leoni Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 It is, hopefully once time clears up a bit in future. Great question! All of us could stand to broaden our interests. While I understand time constraints, what's the difference in entering into a relationship with a girlfriend or finding a different interest? Both will take up time. If this is an interest you can share with a girlfriend, it creates two pluses in your life, within a smaller time frame.
crosswordfiend Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 Do you know what your roommate did to provide his life with an infusion of single women, assuming he was interested in meeting more of them at the time, without selling out what he valued? We both had a pretty strong network from going to school in the area. So, mostly friends of friends. Most of the new single women he met that were outside his network he met through me...
Author Lights Posted January 23, 2008 Author Posted January 23, 2008 We both had a pretty strong network from going to school in the area. So, mostly friends of friends. Most of the new single women he met that were outside his network he met through me... Oh ok. I guess it's good he was able to do that. While I understand time constraints, what's the difference in entering into a relationship with a girlfriend or finding a different interest? Both will take up time. If this is an interest you can share with a girlfriend, it creates two pluses in your life, within a smaller time frame. Well, nothing really, provided the interest genuinely puts me around sufficient numbers of dateable single women. I'll see what I can arrange when things clear up. (Maybe as you point out it might be better if I deal with it in the fashion you describe, when I have more free time; I've had very little time to dedicate actively to social matters recently, so I guess for now it wouldn't work out either way.) I suppose that's true. I'll see what happens.
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