shayna Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 I haven't written here in awhile but I've been lurking every so often. I have reached this point where nothing helps and I want to give up. Life holds no real joy- only superficial joy that lots only as long as I'm with my friends. When I'm alone- I lose it. I'm not suicidal since I'm too weak for that but I always think that if I just happen to have a fatal accident, so be it. I wake up to memories and thoughts of him and from then on every 5 minutes (if I'm lucky!) for the rest of each day. Sleep is my only escape thus that is what I do most. We are occasionally in contact- mostly through gatherings with our mutual friends. All our friends are mutual and I can't bring myself to get out and meet others as my mind is thrashed from trauma from the breakup 6 months ago (after almost 9 years together). My friends try to help by pointing out just how bad the relationship was. That makes it hurt worse. My ex-BF says he'll always have strong feelings for me but right now, it wouldn't work between the two of us- that he wouldn't think of reuniting until a few years down the road if ever. I am not holding out for that but yes, I admit, the hope still lingers that some day... He's hanging out with a good female friend of his (who used to be a friend of mine until she slept with him 4 months after he and I split). Apparently he never wants a relationship with her (and that they aren't sleeping together anymore) but I can't get them out of my mind- especially when they spend so much time together and seem to laugh and hug a lot (but maybe I'm just too sensitive to this- he's like this with a lot of our mutual female friends)! Anyway, it occupies to much of my time. And I'm in medical school and I don't want to blow it. But I am about to. He's obviously trying to get me out of his mind. He didn't even check in to see how I was after surgery two days ago (I broke down and called him instead). But every time I need to "talk" about us, he always makes himself available. Right now, I've told myself that I will no longer call him. Initiating full NC starting now. But I know this is only for myself- as he will forget us and me if I no longer initiate contact first. I thought with time I'd get better. But I just float thru life now. And each day is just as bad as the day of the breakup. I hate this and don't want to continue like this.
NowWhat Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 I understand what you are going through and I have felt and sometimes still do feel the same way. The smallest tasks seem to take all my energy. It sounds like you are "stuck" in the depression phase of grief. I think the hope that you will get back together with him keeps you depressed about not being with him today. It's so hard to let go when you feel like you'll never feel that way about anyone else again. And listen, a bad relationship can be harder to get over than a good one. You aren't alone although I know it feels as if you are. You must afirm the good things about yourself like the fact that YOU ARE IN MEDICAL SCHOOL!!!! That is so incredible! Do you know how badly I wish I could go back in time and go to med school? I'm 35 and I'm a software engineer but biology was my passion and I feel like if my job held any interest for me at all, I might not feel so devestated over a breakup. I know it's so hard but try to do small things (anything) that help you feel good about who you are. Soon, you might see that there is so much more to you than this pain you feel over him. For what it's worth, I'm sorry you are hurting. I know how it feels and I know the agony of not thinking you can take it another minute.
k10k Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 Hi Shayna Don't give up - trust that you will find joy again. I really do know how awful it is to wake up to the memories - I'm can't wait for the day when my ex is not my first thought in the morning. Your decision to go full NC is a positive step forward and will really help you to move on. You are in med-school which is such a great and wonderful thing - and you should be proud of yourself - try to focus on your studies instead of him. Don't let this breakup ruin your future career. All the best and take care.
Lee725 Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 I thought with time I'd get better. But I just float thru life now. And each day is just as bad as the day of the breakup. I hate this and don't want to continue like this. You must continue. Some people move on quick for others it takes more time, the feelings will start to subside & you will find some closure to this. Just keep continuing. Think seriously about Med -School. I own a business, i know how hard it can be to apply yourself to the other things that are important in your life when you are so sad and grieving. He has taken so much emotionally from you, don't allow him to take your medical studies and future with him. Good luck, stay strong
kymberann Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Shayna you mentioned that you sleep a lot. I suggest you look at that. It isn't at all uncommon for people to go through situational depression. Nine years with someone is a long time and sadly the pain won't go away any time soon. Think about getting an anti deprssant for a few months. It isn't forever and it can greatly help. I hope the days get better and better for you! Best Kim
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