Author birdmadgirl Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 And here is my non-paraphrased response: [shy Guy], While I can certainly understand why one would be hesitant to date single parents, I -- and many others in my position, I'm sure -- have a wonderful co-parenting relationship with my former spouse, and I'm not looking for someone to fill a pseudo-parenting role. What's more, my ex-husband and I don't resent each other for wanting to move on and figure it's probably in our daughter's best interests for both of her parents to be happy. It's for this reason that we work together to allow the other to have a life outside of parenting, for lack of a better way to put it. Of course, your reasons are what they are, and I respect them. Besides, I'm sure everyone claims to be the exception to the rule. I will say that this is the first time I've been rejected out of hand for this reason, and I'm more than a little disappointed. It was bound to happen sometime, though, right? Anyway, I do appreciate your honesty. Perhaps I'll see you around sometime. -[birdmadgirl] Funny. It took me THREE HOURS to write the email I sent him earlier, and about twenty seconds to write this one. I do believe I might cry now. Ha!
Leoni Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 Sorry to hear this. Better to know for certain and be able to move on sooner.
phoensam Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 I'm so sorry he replied that way...but it's obviously his loss! Very inconsistent with the way he's been acting around you. If I were you, when you see him again, smile, politely say hi, how are ya and keep walking. Don't stop to talk etc. I think he did like you, but maybe when you showed you liked him like you did, he was scared off a bit. I wish I'd read this before you sent the email, i would have said "don't do it!" I think if you hadn't sent it, he would have got around to making the first move. But oh well. I'd find his statement about single moms a serious turn off anyhow...he sounds a bit immature??
underpants Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 Oh well, At least he was honest. Short sighted but honest. One less thing to consider.
Author birdmadgirl Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 Thanks for your responses, everyone. I spent a lot of time last night trying to understand why I had such an emotional reaction to this. I suppose it's because I had spent nearly an entire month dissecting every conversation and interaction we had in search of some indication of interest on his part. It took a lot of courage for me to say anything at all, and I only did so when I felt as close to certain as possible I'd be met with a positive response. He seemed to be very different from other men I've been involved with, and I suppose in the end he was... just not in the way I imagined. My instinct is to avoid him. Frankly, I'm embarrassed to have put myself out there when I clearly shouldn't have, and I think this means I'm sh*te at reading people. Oh - I'm also feeling the strong urge to spend the day cuddling my daughter. I feel guilty that I so much as considered defending myself for being a parent. It needs no defense.
malaclypse Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 My instinct is to avoid him. Frankly, I'm embarrassed to have put myself out there when I clearly shouldn't have, and I think this means I'm sh*te at reading people. Don't be embarrassed. You did the right thing. A nice quote (already the second time i'm using it today on LS ): As you grow older, you'll find the only things you regret are the things you didn't do. - Zachary Scott
Author birdmadgirl Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 This just in: Hi, [birdmadgirl], I just want you to know that I'm really sorry about this, and I also want you to know that I don't want you to feel shy when we see each other again. I hope we can still be friends. -[shy Guy] First of all, I'm kicking myself for devoting any more time or thought to this, but my analytical side is screaming to sink its teeth into the pathetic scrap of meat it has been thrown. I'm staving it off for now, but I do wonder why he felt the need to say anything else.
malaclypse Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 He likes you, and feels guilty for rejecting you because of your kid.
StartingOver07 Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 Allow me to paraphrase Shy Guy's response: I'm flattered that you want to get to know me. Don't be nervous. Unfortunately, we can't be more than friends because I might be moving away. Oh - and because I don't date single moms. Sorry. Please don't hate me. Let's be friends. -Shy Guy So, there's that. Grrr... Why did he have to add the bit about not dating single moms, anyway? The first excuse would have sufficed. Urg. Sorry it worked out like this.
StartingOver07 Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 This just in: First of all, I'm kicking myself for devoting any more time or thought to this, but my analytical side is screaming to sink its teeth into the pathetic scrap of meat it has been thrown. I'm staving it off for now, but I do wonder why he felt the need to say anything else. Because he's conflicted. Blah, blah, blah. Sorry to be cynical, but what I see is that any r/s you have is going to be all about him, with you making endless gyrations trying to understand, accommodate, and reassure him.
Author birdmadgirl Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 Grrr... Why did he have to add the bit about not dating single moms, anyway? The first excuse would have sufficed. My thoughts exactly. Last night, as insomnia held me firmly in its clutches, I went back over our conversation at the coffee shop a week ago Sunday. Our little chat, which had been flowing nicely, ended shortly after I said something about my daughter. He said, "Oh, I didn't know you had a child." I was surprised, because she and I ran into him (literally, as he was coming out of the laundry room and we were entering the same door) a few months before, so I assumed he knew she was mine. He asked her name and how old she is and I told him. He chuckled and said, "Cool!" A friend of mine who was rejected because she had kids said the guy all but ran screaming from the room when she told him this, so I suppose I was expecting a reaction like that if this had been the case. But, yes... I can understand the moving thing, and not wanting to get seriously involved because of it. He could have - and perhaps should have - stopped there.
Stockalone Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 Allow me to paraphrase Shy Guy's response: ...Oh - and because I don't date single moms. Sorry. Please don't hate me. Let's be friends. -Shy Guy So, there's that. I truly am sorry. Naturally, I had thought about the single-mom-problem but quickly dismissed it because he had already seen you with your daughter and still seemed overly friendly. That's the thing that baffles me. While I agree with the others that he was at least honest; the wording is ill-chosen. Not that this is any consolation but I believe he had no intention of offending you with his remark. My instinct is to avoid him. Frankly, I'm embarrassed to have put myself out there when I clearly shouldn't have, and I think this means I'm sh*te at reading people. There is nothing to be embarrased about. You should be proud that you had the courage to go out on a limp instead of starting to second-guess yourself now. I think if you hadn't sent it, he would have got around to making the first move. But oh well. I'd find his statement about single moms a serious turn off anyhow...he sounds a bit immature?? If he has a problem with dating single moms, I am pretty sure it would not have made a difference if birdmadgirl hadn't send him the e-mail. It's a guy thing. There are many reasons why a lot of men (including me) won't date single moms. No doubt it can be seen as immature and unreasonable and maybe it actually is all that but from a male perspective those reasons can make a lot of sense.
Author birdmadgirl Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 While I agree with the others that he was at least honest; the wording is ill-chosen. Not that this is any consolation but I believe he had no intention of offending you with his remark. Oh, I'm not offended in the least. I harbor no ill-will, honestly, and although it's unfortunate for me, I respect his decision not to date a woman with children. It was this bit: ...because he had already seen you with your daughter and still seemed overly friendly... that threw me. If he has a problem with dating single moms, I am pretty sure it would not have made a difference if birdmadgirl hadn't send him the e-mail. Agreed. There are many reasons why a lot of men (including me) won't date single moms. No doubt it can be seen as immature and unreasonable and maybe it actually is all that but from a male perspective those reasons can make a lot of sense. As I told Shy Guy, I do actually think those reasons are valid, Stockalone. And I wouldn't chalk it up to immaturity, necessarily. Personally, I could not see eliminating an entire segment of the male population from my dating pool simply because they had children, but what is acceptable for me may not be for the next person. That said, I have seen some rather insensitive things written and some sweeping generalizations made about single women with children that simply aren't true for all of us. As I've said before, stereotypes exist for a reason, but not all single moms are looking for someone to play daddy to their "mistakes" (my jaw dropped as I read this), and not all of us are irresponsible and incapable of keeping our legs closed.
latefragment Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 birdmagirl, I'm sorry this happened. Mixed messages suck. I had been following your threads about this guy for the last month, being very hopeful for you, since I play music myself (but have never had a significant-other-type attend a show...) so I was kind of living vicariously through you (I also speak a couple languages. LOL) I'm sorry. It sucks...!!!!!!! If it helps I'm in the same boat ... single for a couple years now, developing myself and trying my best to achieve in other areas of my personal life. Hopefully you won't get too down about this. I wanted to say somethign else resounded with me - the idea that you were emotionally affected when you've barely had 2 dates with this guy - BECAUSE you'd been digesting all your interactions over the last month or so. I feel similarly with a guy I'd had an on and off again thing with for over 8 months. We barely saw each other during that time, but when he finally dumped me in a VERY mean and psychotic way (seriously) it was like a dagger to the heart - well, the meanness, the ferocity, coming literally out of nowhere (we'd been having such a nice time, giggling and laughing, up to that point, this guy is psycho) .. but also, the months and months of me analyzing his actions: "does he like me? he likes me! he likes me not!"... I realized that to me, even though I'd been meeting a lot of other guys besides him, during those 8 months, I did like him, and was hoping he'd ... step up. So, the point is, it felt like a worse breakup than it was, because it actually wasn't even a breakup to begin with. Anyway, that was too verbose, but I hope you get what I mean.
Author birdmadgirl Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 I totally get what you're saying, latefragment. I'm trying not to let this get me down, and I'm having a much better day today. The apologetic nature of our correspondence since last night has me questioning his explanation, but I'm just going to take it at face value. I've been dating others, too. I don't mention them here because the situations haven't required any additional thought. I liked this guy because he did. Best of luck to you. What do you play?
latefragment Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 acoustic guitar accompanying vocals, folky type music, i studied classical piano for many years as a child though, but i don't perform it at all. music is more of a hobby for me (i've got a lot of different hobbies, incl sports, languages, etc, and music's one of them). i suppose i'm a bit of a wanderer, but trying to work on narrowing down my focus so i can finally achieve something with my life. what do you play? sounds like you play guitar or bass... (yes, i get what you're saying about other guys not requiring further thought. it was a whiff of fresh air when one guy that I was "gonna" go on a date with (he'd asked me out on a date) canceled last minute saying that a girl he'd been dating before he met me was back and he'd go back to her. I mean it stung, and it hurt, and it cast a pall over my day, but i emailed him back saying thank you SO MUCH for being up front. it actually made me feel good - in a bad way... or bad - in a good way - whatever, you get the point! but honestly, it was the first time EVER that someone had been so upfront and honest instead of just disappearing like they normally do... or worse, getting mean for no reason and yelling at you like a psycho... UGH)
Author birdmadgirl Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 I play several instruments, but I'm a keyboardist in my band. Fortunately for me, it requires more imagination than technical skill; I could never play on the same level as a classically-trained pianist! ;-) As you said, I'm feeling fortunate for now about the fact that at least this guy was honest. The fact that he still wants to be friends is nice, I guess... Heh.
alterego1234 Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 birdmadgirl, I'm sorry, I'm not very good at following these storylines, but I thought I'd throw out a thought to try to be helpful. It might be that ShyGuy didn't realize that the young girl you were with was your daughter when he ran into the two of you. He might have thought she was your niece, or a girl you were babysitting, or something else. Even if you dropped hints at the time he may not have picked up on them. We guys can be thick-headed sometimes, and around girls we like we can be easily discombobulated. Obviously he caught on that you were a mom at some point when you had the conversation with him about it, but I can't tell if that conversation was before or after the laundry incident. I think it was after? Anyway, just a thought. Sorry it didn't work out.
Author birdmadgirl Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 It might be that ShyGuy didn't realize that the young girl you were with was your daughter when he ran into the two of you. He might have thought she was your niece, or a girl you were babysitting, or something else. That's possible, AlterEgo. I look young for my age and my daughter is very tall for hers (she's almost 8 and is already up to my chin). We're often mistaken for sisters. This'll come in handy in about ten years, I think. There's also the matter of our living arrangement. My ex-husband and I split our time with her down the middle, or as close to it as possible. She's reaching an age where her social circle is expanding, and I live in an "artsy" district of my city in which there are relatively few children (I have yet to see any in my neighborhood). There are NINE girls her age living in her father's cul-de-sac. We let her choose where she spends her time, within reason. Some weeks, I have her four nights. Other weeks, I only have her on Fridays. For this reason, the nature of our relationship might not be completely clear to the casual observer, and I probably should not have assumed otherwise. Obviously he caught on that you were a mom at some point when you had the conversation with him about it, but I can't tell if that conversation was before or after the laundry incident. I think it was after? Well after. About three months after, to be exact.
Leoni Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 If you're a single mother, isn't it better to know sooner, that a guy has issues with children from another relationship? Also, you have to be careful of the crazies, when you have children.
sb129 Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 As I've said before, stereotypes exist for a reason, but not all single moms are looking for someone to play daddy to their "mistakes" (my jaw dropped as I read this), and not all of us are irresponsible and incapable of keeping our legs closed.Did he actually say that to you? I agree that people have their reasons for not wanting to date people who have kids, and its their prerogative to narrow their dating selection down. I swore I would never date another guy with kids, because the only time I did, I got so attached to his kid that it still hurts when I think about him. (the kid, not the dad) However, you can be sensitive about it and it sounds to me that Shyguy has been everything but.
Author birdmadgirl Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 If you're a single mother, isn't it better to know sooner, that a guy has issues with children from another relationship? Also, you have to be careful of the crazies, when you have children. Without a doubt, Leoni. For this reason, I'm selective about who I date, and I have only allowed one man to meet her. We had been in a relationship for a year before that occurred.
Author birdmadgirl Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 Did he actually say that to you? Oh, goodness no... I'm sorry. That was ambiguous. I was actually reading a board about dating single parents, and some moron said something about not wanting to father some loose woman's mistake. ShyGuy has written yet again to apologize. Something's not really adding up, or he's REALLY worried he's hurt me. Still, I don't get why he'd apologize for having a personal preference.
sb129 Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 Maybe he isn't that confident about having a personal preference.
Author birdmadgirl Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 I have only allowed one man to meet her. We had been in a relationship for a year before that occurred. To go into that a bit more, once they DID meet, I kept their interaction to a minimum. I'd make dinner for the three of us on occasion, or we would go to the park or to a sporting event. Over the course of nearly five years, they might have interacted twenty times. When the relationship ended, her response was, "Really? Weird." In ShyGuy's response, he told me that he had actually dated a single mother before. He said that the entire time they were together, he felt he was taking a mother away from her child, and this is why he doesn't date single moms now. That doesn't anger or upset me in the least, and it's probably a bit easier to swallow since it's coming from someone who tried it before knocking it.
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