k10k Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 It's been just over 3 months, we were living together for almost 5 yrs. He started seeing someone soon after we broke up - the usual cliche - they work together and were spending time with eachother while we were still together. I have been in a bit of denial about this other girl - it's been hard to face up to it. He denied that she had anything to do with us breaking up, but surely she did. While he was living with me she was sms'ing him, he constantly looked at her facebook page, they had lunches, afterwork drinks together and one week after we broke up, she broke up with her boyfriend - coincidence? I think not.. I don't know if anything physical happened between them before we broke up (and I really hope I never find out). At first I put all the blame on myself, put him on the pedestal. Well now - I'm seeing the situation for what it really is - someone else came inbetween us - if he really loved me like he said he did and if our relationship was solid this would not have happened. I always felt so secure in our relationship and this is the last thing that I ever imagined happening. I feel like an idiot. While I've been crying my heart out, missing and hoping, he has been enjoying his time with someone else. Lately I find myself having feelings of anger, bitterness and jealously and I hate having these emotions. It totally sucks and I'm not quite sure how to get rid of them?
sumdude Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 (edited) It's been just over 3 months, we were living together for almost 5 yrs. He started seeing someone soon after we broke up - the usual cliche - they work together and were spending time with eachother while we were still together. I have been in a bit of denial about this other girl - it's been hard to face up to it. He denied that she had anything to do with us breaking up, but surely she did. While he was living with me she was sms'ing him, he constantly looked at her facebook page, they had lunches, afterwork drinks together and one week after we broke up, she broke up with her boyfriend - coincidence? I think not.. I don't know if anything physical happened between them before we broke up (and I really hope I never find out). At first I put all the blame on myself, put him on the pedestal. Well now - I'm seeing the situation for what it really is - someone else came inbetween us - if he really loved me like he said he did and if our relationship was solid this would not have happened. I always felt so secure in our relationship and this is the last thing that I ever imagined happening. I feel like an idiot. While I've been crying my heart out, missing and hoping, he has been enjoying his time with someone else. Lately I find myself having feelings of anger, bitterness and jealously and I hate having these emotions. It totally sucks and I'm not quite sure how to get rid of them? I feel far ya.... been there with the ex wife. Pretty much a similar story though I do not know any real facts about the OM. It's takes time, you had a long relationship and it ended suddenly. I'm at a year after 7 1/2 years living together and marriage. Really just now settling in... had to go through the year cycle of hoidays anniversaries etc. Everyone has a different timetable. What you're feeling is normal.. the stages of grief which include a LTR breakup or divorce are (in no particular order) : Denial and shock Anger Bargaining and guilt Depression Acceptance and one more I add Forgiveness (for yourself) nobody's perfect, not him not you... Feel your emotions, ride them out and realize it's totally normal... just don't get too lost in it all for too long. You can't get rid of them , you can only accept them and let them pass through you to heal. Edited January 13, 2008 by sumdude
Ariadne Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 While I've been crying my heart out, missing and hoping, he has been enjoying his time with someone else. Lately I find myself having feelings of anger, bitterness and jealously and I hate having these emotions. It totally sucks and I'm not quite sure how to get rid of them? Hey, Isn't that the catch. One is left behind with nothing, nothing at all, and the other person is in 7th heaven. Now you have to eat sht, your time to eat sht and nothing else you can do. Ariadne
PinkRibbon Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 I can totally understand how you feel.. It is a little over 3 months for me and my husband. We were together 6 years total and married 4 of those. Amazing how he managed to just start dating right after we split. Surprise surprise surprise. Wow huh? I may be different because I don't agree with the steroetypes of denial, grief, anger and forgiveness. I personally think you become so numb to the pain that you absorb it and it becoms a part of you. That the pain is still there but you are so used to it that it a part of your everyday life. I guess I feel this way because I will NEVER forgive him and I will NEVER accept what he did to me as part of healing and moving on. He was a sh** for leaving me and a sh** for not having the manhood to want to try. A young piece of butt was more important than our marriage vows. So I can really understand how you feel. You put your trust, your faith and your heart in the hands of someone who you felt would cherish the precious gift you gave them. And they spit on it and threw it away as they were undressing to jump into bed with someone else. Big hug because you need it!
Nomad1 Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 I know exactly what you mean. It is natural to feel jealous, angry and resentful, but it can be controlled. It will eventually go away. He's gone forever. Whatever he does is his business. You are giving him the power to hurt you even in his absence. You will be happy again someday. Look forward to that. Take care Nomad1
Author k10k Posted January 13, 2008 Author Posted January 13, 2008 sumdude - thanks for that, I guess I do just need to give myself some time. I'm just scared that I get stuck in these emotions and the last thing I want to do is turn into a bitter and angry person. Glad to hear you are settling in and that things are calming down for you. Ariadne - yip, my turn to eat sht - sometimes I wonder what I've done to deserve this PinkRibbon - thanks for the hug - sending you a big hug too!! I'm sorry to hear that you are also going through such a rough time.. but it is nice to know that you understand. It sucks to know that someone can just throw away so many good years together without even trying. One day you will find a real man who deserves you. Nomad - thanks so much for reminding me that I need to let go.. sometimes I lose perspective and forget that I need to stop thinking about him/her - you're right, by thinking about them I've giving away my power. Deep breathes.. looking forward to finding happiness again!
Ariadne Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 Ariadne - yip, my turn to eat sht - sometimes I wonder what I've done to deserve this I know, it sucks. Part of life I guess..
blackbird Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 Speaking as someone who's been on the other side of a similar situation in the not-too-long-ago past (I left a boyfriend of 3 years and very soon after started dating a co-worker, with whom I'd gotten close before the breakup, though not physically) -- I have a thought to offer. I don't know if it'll help or not. For me, even though I started dating someone else almost immediately, the breakup really was not because of that someone else. I was already at a point where I was detached from the relationship, and sure, my feelings for someone else did have an effect, but it could have been anyone. It wasn't about this someone else being better or anything 'more'. I'm not your ex and can't speak for him, so sure, it's possible that his feelings for this other woman was the reason for your breakup, but I know in my situation that wasn't it at all. If anything, I had a better, closer relationship with that ex-bf overall than I ever did with the co-worker I started dating after him. In fact, as I realized later when the fog had cleared, I had almost nothing in common with that co-worker, and the relationship we had was very shallow. The co-worker was merely someone different with whom I did not have 3 years' worth of uncleared baggage, and I allowed the rush of NRE (new relationship energy) to cloud my judgment. I didn't love this guy more. I was simply at a weak point where I was having doubts about my current relationship. And instead of choosing to end that relationship cleanly or to really work on it and rebuild it, I let the rush of new emotion muddy the waters. It was basically a rebound relationship that overlapped a little bit. If I had to do it over again, I certainly wouldn't have allowed myself to develop an EA with someone else before coming to a final decision about the relationship I was in. Even though I left the relationship very shortly after, I still feel that was immature and disrespectful on my end. I was at fault, and I think your ex is also at fault, for beginning something new so soon after, even overlapping with, his relationship with you. After ending 5 years with you it would have been respectful in my opinion, not to mention simply SANE, to take some time to figure things out before jumping into another relationship. I've rambled, so I just want to reiterate my main two points... 1. Just because he left you and started dating someone else soon after, that doesn't necessarily mean that he left you FOR her, because she was 'better' or he had stronger feelings for her or whatever. I won't say that NEVER happens, but things are rarely that black and white. 2. Whatever problems you may have had as a couple, after investing in a 5 year live-in relationship, I think he owed you more respect than beginning an EA while still nomimally with you and plunging into it right after your breakup, and I hope you seek a greater level of respect and communication in your future relationships.
Author k10k Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 Hi Blackbird Thanks for sharing your situation with me. The way he acted was disrespectful. My self-esteem has taken a major knock because I do feel like she must be better than me - but your perspective on things does help. I guess I'll never really know the real reason for him leaving and it's pointless dwelling on the 'why'. I wish I could just get them out of my head! "I hope you seek a greater level of respect and communication in your future relationships." Definitely what I will be striving for in future - although the idea of beginning a new relationship still terrifies me - need way more time before that happens.
SmileyFace82 Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 hi, just to let you know you aren't alone in this situation. The same happened to me about 5 months ago. My GF left me and said that we should be friends.... the following week she goes on holiday with her "colleague" saying he is just a friend (she was texting him whilst she was with me, i didn't think much of it at the time) and then they get together after that...as far as i know. Apparently they've just been to Thailand together again recently. Trust me, it hurt like mad when i found out, but that's just the way it goes... i did the crying and sobbing etc. when i first split up with her but now i just remind myself to be cool with it and realise that's it's none of my business. I feel like i've dodged a bullet and that although i still love her, i realise we would have split sooner or later. I am angry with her, but i think...actually i should just focus all this energy on myself and best not to think about her at all. It's difficult, but it really is the best way.
blackbird Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Hi Blackbird Thanks for sharing your situation with me. The way he acted was disrespectful. My self-esteem has taken a major knock because I do feel like she must be better than me - but your perspective on things does help. I guess I'll never really know the real reason for him leaving and it's pointless dwelling on the 'why'. I wish I could just get them out of my head! I can totally understand that. The same ex-bf I mentioned pursued an online EA with someone else in the first year of our relationship, for example. When I found out, it was very difficult not to have the hurtful and relentless thoughts about 'what does she have that I don't', especially when I felt like I was trying so hard and giving the best that I had. Later I saw that it was just a pattern that he had (and likely still has) at the time, craving and seeking constant validation from multiple people whom he idealized and romanticized. But at the time it was easy to think that it was all due to a lack in me. Maybe because at a time like that, when someone you wish would love you is giving that love to someone else, it's easy to feel helpless and like you have no control, and by placing the blame on yourself, you can at least feel some measure of control. If there is something I *do* blame myself for from that time, though, it's the lack of openness and communication that *I* contributed to in that relationship. Sure, I was faithful and loving and tried my best to be a good partner in all the ways I knew how, but I didn't open up fully nor did I truly invite him to do so. Neither did he in the reverse, but that doesn't mitigate the responsibility I had on my end. But 'blame' is the wrong word -- I was young, inexperienced, and a very private person to boot, so I simply didn't understand at the time that how important that was to pursue, and I didn't know how to go about it. That's something I could have done better, but not with what I knew then. In the end, it has worked out, because the experiences from that relationship helped me to learn and get to the point where I am avidly seeking that with my current partner, who is also at the same point and seeking the same. "I hope you seek a greater level of respect and communication in your future relationships." Definitely what I will be striving for in future - although the idea of beginning a new relationship still terrifies me - need way more time before that happens. It's good that you can recognize that! Time for yourself after a breakup is a smart thing. Good luck.
Author k10k Posted January 16, 2008 Author Posted January 16, 2008 hi, just to let you know you aren't alone in this situation. The same happened to me about 5 months ago. My GF left me and said that we should be friends.... the following week she goes on holiday with her "colleague" saying he is just a friend (she was texting him whilst she was with me, i didn't think much of it at the time) and then they get together after that...as far as i know. Hey SmileyFace - sorry to hear the same thing happened to you. This whole relationships with "colleagues" thing seems to happen quite a bit! Blackbird - thanks again for sharing your experiences, it's helped to gain some insight
jdeedee Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 Yea colleagues are funny like that. My first two girlfriends both left me and began dating a coworker within a few weeks of the breakup. It hurt like hell then, but in retrospect I don't really care. I guess that's what it means to be over someone. Yes, it's years and years later but what I am saying is that you will move on eventually, I promise.
so_sad Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 I can totally understand that. The same ex-bf I mentioned pursued an online EA with someone else in the first year of our relationship, for example. When I found out, it was very difficult not to have the hurtful and relentless thoughts about 'what does she have that I don't', especially when I felt like I was trying so hard and giving the best that I had. Later I saw that it was just a pattern that he had (and likely still has) at the time, craving and seeking constant validation from multiple people whom he idealized and romanticized. But at the time it was easy to think that it was all due to a lack in me. Wow. I could have written that myself. My ex-fiance had an emotional affair in the last year of our relationship, and I spent hours, days, weeks, wondering what she had that I didn't. The same with all of the female friends that he constantly cultivated with the help of email, myspace, facebook, etc...and this is someone in his late 30s, not a kid. I have to hope that it's the same as what Blackbird has said - that it was not something I lacked but rather a need for attention and validation that he had that one person couldn't fill. I really feel for you, too. I'm going through similar feelings. I am totally devastated 3 months after the breakup and he has been going out all the time and now I find out he's sleeping with other people too. I know we have broken up and he's free to do as he wishes, but I am also jealous and angry that he's been able to get over it so easily. I feel like it diminishes the relationship we had.
Author k10k Posted January 16, 2008 Author Posted January 16, 2008 Yea colleagues are funny like that. My first two girlfriends both left me and began dating a coworker within a few weeks of the breakup. Jdeedee - I wonder why it happens so often - convenience? easy to develop feelings for someone you see and spend time with on a daily basis? Oh well, at then end of the day I guess it doesn't matter, I shouldn't be thinking about that anyway So_sad - yip, I also feel like the relationship we had has been diminished and it totally sucks to be left with all these feelings - but hopefully we'll both be feeling better about things soon!
starlite Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 k10k- I dont know if someone else wrote this to you or not yet, i havent read replied but it is close to my situation. My ex and I broke up a bit over 3 months ago, we were together 2.5 years and lived together. I didnt trust him anymore due to lies, we broke up, I learned he had cheated on me AND that he is now sleeping with his best friends ex. It crushed me. I was friends with this girl. AUGH! I was so upset...But here is the thing.... He never gave himself a chance to move on. He immediately tried to distract himself. Well, here I am 3 months later, I have been coping and dealing, of course still a bit hurt. I was thinking that he had moved on big time and was so happy (although I know he still loved me). Anyway, I got an email almost a week ago. Super long! He misses me, life sucks for him, he has gone down hill since losing me, nobody else is interesting. It did hurt me, but then I realized that I have been dealing with our break up in a very healthy way. He is where I was 2 months ago. There is a good chance that due to all the baggage they both brought into their relationship, it won't work. But your next relationship, well, you wont be bringing much baggage because you have been healing the right way, not masking it by hopping into bed with someone else so that you can distract yourself from how you really feel. And who knows, when this blows up in his face, you may just get an email too. My ex told me that she doesnt compare to me and he isnt with her and plans on not being with anyone due to his feelings for me. DUH!
Author k10k Posted January 16, 2008 Author Posted January 16, 2008 Thanks Starlite.. There is a good chance that due to all the baggage they both brought into their relationship, it won't work. I've thought about this before and was wondering how I would feel if their relationship didn't work out, would it make me feel any better? Deep down I want them to know how it feels to be so hurt, it's like I want some kind've revenge - but then I think that's just because I'm still feeling bitter and angry - and I don't want to attract bad karma to myself by thinking things like that I just want to get to the point where I have no more feelings of resentment. But your next relationship, well, you wont be bringing much baggage because you have been healing the right way, not masking it by hopping into bed with someone else so that you can distract yourself from how you really feel. I do hope I get to the point where I can safely say that I'm free of all this baggage - it's definitely quite a process. My ex told me that she doesnt compare to me and he isnt with her and plans on not being with anyone due to his feelings for me. DUH! DUH! indeed! It's funny, I remember asking my ex when we broke up if he is going to start something with this girl and he said "no - I need to be on my own for awhile".. well that was a lie. All the best to you - at least your ex has realised what he has given up
SmileyFace82 Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 (edited) Jdeedee - I wonder why it happens so often - convenience? easy to develop feelings for someone you see and spend time with on a daily basis? Oh well, at then end of the day I guess it doesn't matter, I shouldn't be thinking about that anyway Well in my situation...we both worked long hours and she had only just started her new job after moving country. The other guy had also only recently started (relocated) so i guess they had that in common. She was in a new place and he was there to spend all day with her. The worst thing was that i had encouraged her to be friends with this guy cause she was crying to me days after we split up saying work is getting on top of her and her "only" friend at work is this guy plus everyone was teasing her saying that they are a couple so she has to avoid him now(How stupid do i look now?!)... I said screw what other people thinks and says, be friends with whoever you want. Days later they went on holiday (not before she promises me that nothing will happen since he is not her type, that he sleeps around a lot and that he is just a "friend"). I actually laugh a bit now whenever i tell this story cause A) she pretty much lied to me and B) How dumb could i get?!.... i guess we all learn from our mistakes eh? I don't know if she was having an affair before? or she broke up with me for him or whether she was on the rebound... who knows... but they are still together 4-5 months on and i believe they are very happy. They tried to keep their relationship as a secret at first but i believe they are telling other people now. i hear on the grapevine that they have been on holiday to Phuket in Thailand (a nice romantic getaway) together recently too, so maybe it is the real deal. Either way, it doesn't really involve me anymore, but it still hurts like mad. Just have to take it and move on. I don't have a religion but if God is testing me... then i just want to know when he is going to finish testing me... cause this is torture! haha... I am much better now, as i was at breaking point 4-5 months ago but i DO still think about her everyday...I act normal in front of everyone and life seems to be rosy on the outside for me now and that i'm totally over it... but i am still suffering inside everyday. My logical side of me is trying to overcome my heart and emotions but it's a battle everyday! Coming on here and posting always makes me feel better... so sorry for waffling on! It's doing me good though! lol Edited January 17, 2008 by SmileyFace82
Author k10k Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 hey smileyface I said screw what other people thinks and says, be friends with whoever you want. Days later they went on holiday (not before she promises me that nothing will happen since he is not her type, that he sleeps around a lot and that he is just a "friend"). I actually laugh a bit now whenever i tell this story cause A) she pretty much lied to me and B) How dumb could i get?!.... i guess we all learn from our mistakes eh? I'm glad you can at least look back and laugh a bit about the situation now I feel rather dumb about my situation too - but as you say, at least we can learn from our mistakes! My logical side of me is trying to overcome my heart and emotions but it's a battle everyday! Coming on here and posting always makes me feel better... so sorry for waffling on! It's doing me good though! lol Waffle away Smiley! Hope you're having a good day today.
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