dunno01 Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 (edited) Meant to type "Need Help" in heading. Sorry. My life is, I feel right now, a giant mess. Some of it is certainly my fault, some of it is not. One thing I am certain of at this time is that I am in a great deal of pain and ridiculously confused. My wife and I have been together for about 3 and a half years. We started therapy about a year ago. First therapist was not very good. Second therapist and the one we saw for about six months and right up until a couple of weeks ago was pretty good and we saw some marginal improvement with still having a good bit of fighting and so forth. About 2 months ago, something inside of me just felt like it gave up. Not long after that, I met someone and we started seeing each other. We didn't have sex but what did happen was worse, I started to have real feelings for her. I should have been directing this attention at my wife and concentrating on solving those issues, but I didn't and I will have to live with that guilt. I could not stand the lies and finally told my wife and I then packed some things and left for a while, that was about a week ago. She was hurt and furious. I could understand why and it hurt me to watch her suffer that way. Anyhow, I left under a great deal of stress and confusion. The relationship that was taking my time up instead of my wife, collapsed under all of this weight. I was a fool for thinking I could pull any of this off without ruining maybe my life and greatly hurting others. I am now staying in temporary housing while trying to manage separtion with my wife. The confusion about what to do now in reference to my wife is overwhelming. Is this common among people going through divorce/separation? I just don't know what is right. One day I think I've made up my mind to return hoime, the next minute I'm set on going. This whole experience with the other woman has taught me some terrible lessons; yet, I still don't know whether to go home and give this one last chance or not. My head says no but my heart says yes. Contrary to recent behavior, I do care about my wife, but I'm not sure if returning is the right thing to do. Most of the reasons I seem to come up with are kind of wrong (make her happy, not be alone, and so on). Are these thoughts common as well? Do people going through this constantly weigh options? I care about her but I greatly worry that to go back hoime would just put us right back wehre we were before and somewhere down the road we would wind up going back through this again. Edited January 13, 2008 by dunno01
lonelyandtired Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 I'm so messed up right (going through similar stuff) I'm hesitant to give anyone else any kind of advice...but yeah, this sounds normal. I've gone through all the same up and down emotions (I'm to the point now that I know I'm leaving, but YMMV), and had the same reasons in my head for staying. I had the same singular moment of giving up (to me, it felt like something physical...like a bubble popped inside me). And I also felt some sort of confused attraction to a friend, and likewise really damaged that relationship forever. You decribe a very, very similar emotional reaction to my own. Beyond that, I don't have much advice. I'm still crying and having panic attacks so my advice right now is rubbish. A lot of people will jump on you to tell you to do everything in your power to save the marriage, and blame the entire thing on your OW. Some will say get out now. I'm just gonna tell you what I did to finally reach my decision: close your eyes and honestly envision your future. Not a rose-colored one where everything is perfect, just a logical extension of where you are now. Look down the path if you stay, look down the path if you go, and try to do it as honestly as you can. Pick the one with the least long term misery. This is where I got my answer. I had to do this multiple times, but it gave me the clarity I needed.
br0ken_w0lf Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 Hi, I just found this forum about 10 minutes ago and I think I'm glad I did. I'm really sorry to hear about your situation and I can't really offer advice as I'm on the opposite end of the stick i.e. I was the one left. But I have talked to my wife enough that I know she went through similar thoughts after she left. She often considered coming back to make me happy but even I know that that's not the right reason and I suspect you do as well. My wife flip-flopped on her decision several times after she left (well, near flip-flopped I guess) and I suppose that's normal; it's a huge decision to make. Like lonelyandtired said, you will get advice on completely opposite ends of the spectrum - and often, the advice you expect from certain people will be the opposite of what you get and vice versa. I did read one of those "getting back together" books at one point (wishful thinking on my part) and the biggest piece of advice in it was not to be too quick to get back together; that sometimes some space can make things more clear. Take care.
Flyboy15601 Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 I am ii the almost exact situation as your going through, only a bit longer, six months now seperated. I have aslo been seeing a very nice lady, and like you no sex but fun and there are some emotional issues there too. It has taken me a long time to make a decision that would be fair to everyone and without hurting anyone (which is impossible). BUt i have decided that I'll try giving the marraige one last shot, and will start seeing a Marriage counceler together. WE bot agree that there isn't much love between us right now but that it at least deserves one last effort. Regarding my lady friend ( and i do consider her a good friend) i am going to tell her that we need to take a break. Its not fair to her, the seperated wife and to myself, to not make the last effort a fair one. Hopefully she will understand and if things don't work out with the wife ( and i have set a timetable of a few months, and I know I'll get blasted here for putting a time on the marriage, but i feel that in two months of counceling we'll know if the feelings are there or not) then if she is still available, we can start again. To me its just not fair to anyone to maske on last ditch fair effort ( especially for our kids), and not at least put your best foot forward. I have been sperated 6 months, and yes its difficult, but life does go on.
Author dunno01 Posted January 13, 2008 Author Posted January 13, 2008 you guys are great and thanks for the advice thus far, very supportive and helpful...please keep posting if anyone else wishes to chime in, i'll write more a little later
jeffrey_e Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 First of all you cheated on your wife. Whether it was an emotional affair or a physical affair. That becomes a trust issue. Trust and respect are the basic foundation of Marriage. Now I'm not passing judgment on what you did. Just trying to help you see that if you are going to give this a second you must meet the basics? trust respect commitment Finding someone else is the easy way out when you have problems in an existing relationship. But what ever problems you have in the first relationship you will be bring with you to your next. So you may as well learn whatever it is you need to learn now. Work with your theripist one on one in addition to you and your wife. You cant fix her but you can always make yourself better. Therapy wont kill you. If you want back in and shes willing to try as well, do it for the right reasons and fight for the relationship. Good Luck Jeffrey
quankanne Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 boy, this hits close to home, but in this instance, I'm the friend being confided in by the person with doubts about their marriage. I've been married about a decade longer than my friend, so I can kind of see how unresolved feelings about an old flame (my friend's situation) can make you view your marriage as "undesirable" when you've convinced yourself that the problems you're experiencing are the best it gets and you may be missing out on a fantastic opportunity by not being with the one you're longiing for and who you've connected with ... but I can also give witness to what rewards are waiting when you push through those rock-bottom times and focus on strengthening the marriage itself. That no matter how good the other person looks – especially when you're not happy with something your spouse has done – you've built a history together with your spouse unlike any other on the face of the earth, and that you've got every right to want it to be as good as it can be, but you must be willing to put effort into it. Even when you're frustrated as all get-out, or when your spouse makes you physically ill because the emotions are so strong, or when you're ready to chuck it all away because you've given it everything. Because you aren't the only one trying to make a go of it – so is you husband/wife. And they'll surprise you when you've gotten to a point where you feel the marriage just isn't worth fighting for anymore … do yourself a favor and take a step back from this new relationship – cut her off cold turkey even if you feel she's the very air you breathe – and do what you need to do (both of you!) to try to make it work. You might just surprise yourself. Get counseling, take part in a marriage enrichment session or retreat or program, anything that focuses on your marriage and building up stronger communication and establishes strong grounds for trust and respect. and if the two of you don't end up "happily ever after" y'all will at least have the satisfaction of knowing that you honestly did your best, instead of just walking away. you'll probably find my name linked to quite a few pro-marriage posts if you do a search on this site, because I truly believe that a healthy marriage (one that doesn't involve abuse of any kind) is worth fighting for, but you have to give yourself every tool and opportunity available to make it work. it's very normal to question why you want to stay with someone who you feel isn't giving or bringing out the best in you, and you come up with things like the original poster pointed out –*"make her happy, not be alone, and so on." and you're right in thinking those aren't very good reasons ... it has to be because your heart is truly in the marriage, that you want to be there despite problems. That you wake up every morning realizing "I choose X because he/she is where I want to be. Even when things are crappy, it's still X." good luck with all of this, and remember, it's easy to get led astray by thoughts of how your spouse is lacking when you compare him/her to the 'perfect one' who got away or the new person in your life who you've got *such* a connection with, but you're looking an idealization of that person, not the reality of that person.
mtndew Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Jeffrey e, I don't agree that the problems you have now you take with you to the next relationship. I am going thru great difficulty with my M, due to my EA with a tremendous OW. I have had NC with her for 2 months, only twice in last 6 months. We were in the process of building the "proper foundation" for a relationship when OW backed out because she did not want to be responsible for breaking up my M. Since then, I by myself and with my W have been MC for sometime. I am working on the issues and baggage associated with my M. I am currently pondering if and when to take a break to clear my thoughts, and if and when that day comes, my baggage, so to speak, will have been addressed and shipped out of my life. If I stay in my M, we will be great, if my M ends, we will still both be great, better than before because we will have addressed such issues.
Author dunno01 Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 Hmm. I do think the baggage point can be true...or not. It's tough. It's not so clear when the problems you are having in a marriage are baggage related and can be worked on/through, or when they are just perennial issues that you and your spouse bring out in each other and can/could work on them forever and not get them lined out. I think everyone brings their baggage to a relationship; this is true. I do think there are aspects, dynamics that two individual people can have together that actually bring the baggage out worse, and then alternately, dynamics that you might have with someone else that actually assuages the baggage to a degree and the two of you can work better together because of this. I agree too that what was said earlier, if I'm going to work through this with my wife or at least give it one last chance, I will have to get clear of the affair and the individual involved and that's some hurt too, since I've come to care about her a decent bit and vice-versa. Myself and the other woman cut off all ties for a week and that was miserable. We got together for coffee and then that wound up in sex and that was a huge mistake. I was just starting to feel good about myself for separating myself off to give me soime time to consider my marriage and what I'm going to do. The fact that I broke down and had sex, albeit very loving and caring sex with the other woman, was disasterous to the good faith i had built up with myself, my wife, and to everyone involved in the week prior. No matter what happens here, it has all caused me to see that affairs can wreck havoc on people's lives and I will never participate in one ever again and if I had it to do over, I would certainly, most certainly not do it, this even though some of the things I've experienced with that person have been wonderful and loving. There is a part of me that sees affairs as sometimes being just an unfortunate aspect that happens sometimes when two people commit to a life together; it's not easy. Though it sometimes does result in positive things, this whole experience has taught me that affairs are the last and worst resort to turn to when things are not going well in the marriage. I think for the rest of my life I will strive to never have another one after this mess. Right now at the moment I'm still in a very bad mindset and worry often about harming myself or getting to the point of doing so anyhow. I don't have any drastic thoughts at the moment, but am heaping tons and tons and tons of blame on myself for all of this and just today even broke down and began to ask myself what my life was worth, what was there to salvage. I seem to have hurt a number of people and continue to do so and am currently believing that I am the worst piece of $%#@ on earth and why I didn't have the balls to confront my wife two months ago with my failing effort in our marriage. Even then, though hard, all of this would have been so much easier. The panic attacks and depression have clearly started to take over for me and they are coloring everything about my life at the moment, nothing seems like a positive option and I can't see my life as very salvagable, that I have destroyed a lot of it. This is not reality talking I know; my wife and I struggled for the last year in therapy; yet, the depression has taken over at this point. Emotionally, not rationally necessarily, I see all of this as my fault and fight upon fight with myself in the last week that this is not who I am, the last two months of my life, some guy who lies and makes promises he can't live up to, and lies more. I feel I am pathetic and veering out of control. I called emergency called my therapist earlier tonight, something I've only done once in the last year, and that helped some. He tried to get me to see that this is not all my fault, that yes I cheated and it's not the best thing a person can do in life, but not the worst either and that there is usually soimei sort of troubled relationship not having anything to do necessarily with the cheating per se, the cheating sometimes being a symptom of the main relationship having problems. Still yet, at the moment, I just can't find hope in anything and it's devasting. I think I should again consider some medication perhaps to at least get myself stable so that I can think about these things with a clear head. Right now though, I just get depressed and think about myself as a 37 year old guy living in temporary housing and no lasting legacy but hurt to show, no hope for returning to my wife, we would wind up doing this same thing again later I fear, and no hope for continuing on by myself, pain too great almost. Not feeling good about anything right now, least of all myself.
Author dunno01 Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 (edited) i might have accidentally posted the above twice Edited January 21, 2008 by dunno01
reddog63 Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 To put as brief as possible, I have been separated for 6 months now. If had to describe, I fit the description of many posts, but instead of walk away wife , I am a walk away husband. Many reasons, growing apart, needs not being met, never really had passion, married early.....blah blah. Anyway......I had a brief fling or two.......the last one was 3 years ago. I am sooooo glad that I choose to separate WITHOUT being involved with anyone. It is certainly not easy. It is scary. But in a strange way i am proud of myself for doing this without any emotional ties to another woman. Now to address your point of confusion. Go to book store and read some of the books such as Good Divorce or many others. The confusion and flip flopping of what you should do is normal. These books helped me realize that all the confusing thoughts are completely normal. With that all being said, my advice is to not be leaving for another woman. You need to do this on your own if you want to be separated. Yes, it is harder not to have someone waiting in the wings but it feels so much better. Ohhh........and as a side note........do not make any decisions such as moving back in when your in the middle of a confusion time. Always wait a week or two to make any decisions. Meant to type "Need Help" in heading. Sorry. My life is, I feel right now, a giant mess. Some of it is certainly my fault, some of it is not. One thing I am certain of at this time is that I am in a great deal of pain and ridiculously confused. My wife and I have been together for about 3 and a half years. We started therapy about a year ago. First therapist was not very good. Second therapist and the one we saw for about six months and right up until a couple of weeks ago was pretty good and we saw some marginal improvement with still having a good bit of fighting and so forth. About 2 months ago, something inside of me just felt like it gave up. Not long after that, I met someone and we started seeing each other. We didn't have sex but what did happen was worse, I started to have real feelings for her. I should have been directing this attention at my wife and concentrating on solving those issues, but I didn't and I will have to live with that guilt. I could not stand the lies and finally told my wife and I then packed some things and left for a while, that was about a week ago. She was hurt and furious. I could understand why and it hurt me to watch her suffer that way. Anyhow, I left under a great deal of stress and confusion. The relationship that was taking my time up instead of my wife, collapsed under all of this weight. I was a fool for thinking I could pull any of this off without ruining maybe my life and greatly hurting others. I am now staying in temporary housing while trying to manage separtion with my wife. The confusion about what to do now in reference to my wife is overwhelming. Is this common among people going through divorce/separation? I just don't know what is right. One day I think I've made up my mind to return hoime, the next minute I'm set on going. This whole experience with the other woman has taught me some terrible lessons; yet, I still don't know whether to go home and give this one last chance or not. My head says no but my heart says yes. Contrary to recent behavior, I do care about my wife, but I'm not sure if returning is the right thing to do. Most of the reasons I seem to come up with are kind of wrong (make her happy, not be alone, and so on). Are these thoughts common as well? Do people going through this constantly weigh options? I care about her but I greatly worry that to go back hoime would just put us right back wehre we were before and somewhere down the road we would wind up going back through this again.
Author dunno01 Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 thanks reddog, i think everything you say is obviously true and many of the things you site as reasons for eventually leaving, we struggled with those same things, even buying the ho8use together over two years ago thinking that was going to stable us...of course, it only made some things come out worse...i know you are right about doing thi9s on my own and i will try and stick with that as best i can, i know for certain you are right too about not going back when things get pretty hard and horrible here at the extended stay america i'm living in...sometimes the depression and everything comes in waves and at those moments, i almost want to just give up and go back home, but i know that would not be fair to my wife or us...if i'm not ready to recommit to our relationship, then i shouldn't be at home asking and having her try and help me through this depression which i know she would do i will try and find some of those books
marazul Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 I think you are a sensitive guy, maybe a little weak, I don't know, from what I read about how you suffer. You have the symptoms of depression, I think it would not be bad that you see the psychiatrist and maybe have some antidepressants if this goes on for more than 2 weeks. You'll see clearly. Can make better decisions. The best advice I can give you. Don't ruminate and be down for a long time, it's worst. I think that if you want to have any type of relationship, your wife, or other you need to feel good about yourself and obviously now that is not the case. Pull yourself together, then decide if you go talk to your wife. What do you argue about? What are your main problems? Is it her, or you or both that have behavioural problems? What do you fight about? I think it's a normal consequence that you doubt and question everything about your behaviour and your marriage. You need to look deep inside to find out what you really want from this marriage? Yes, maybe those reasons are not very satisfactory to stay in marriage (maker her happy, etc.) You need to have a stable and happy life with her, maybe a family, needs are different for every person, you need to know what you want and if it matches her needs too so that you take the same path in life and don't grow separate ways.
Author dunno01 Posted January 22, 2008 Author Posted January 22, 2008 Thanks everyone. Your advice is well heeded. I went to the other woman's apartment tonight and we both again agreed we have to stop, this for the sake of everyone involved. And this time we both agreed to make it stick. I will concentrate very hard in the next week or two to get my head into a better place and also decide whether my wife and I will try and reconcile. My family (parents and so forth) have been very supportive. My father said "Do what is right and not out of fear. Don't go home when you feel your worst", and other people have added "only go home if you can go home feeling your best, and if you can't go home in that way and to the possible future of you both being together, don't go home. Do the right thing and give you both a chance at happiness, even if apart, in the future". I suppose my father and some other folks are right. I will try to find what the answer to that is in the next week or two.
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