I read her text...

[Jon12345]

She did 2 months ago as I told her that is where I saw the messages. But I am not aware if she still thinks I do or not.

 

I read a message on there about that time that said to her female friend: "He saw me arranging to meet the fireman. I cannot believe how stupid I've been. I'm devastated."

[ElvenPriestess]

I don't know, I still think she's not being honest and she was upset only when she was caught.

[Cobra_X30]

She did 2 months ago as I told her that is where I saw the messages. But I am not aware if she still thinks I do or not.

 

I read a message on there about that time that said to her female friend: "He saw me arranging to meet the fireman. I cannot believe how stupid I've been. I'm devastated."

 

I'm not exactly sure what your hoping for with this woman? It seems as though she is not ready/willing to make lifestyle changes.

 

What are you providing her right now?

[LucreziaBorgia]

If she knows that you check her phone, then she has simply gone underground and is carrying on where you can't see. That is why you told her you were checking two months ago and haven't seen one in two months. She isn't being "good" she is being "careful".

 

She is burning you, and big time. I'm not sure why you are doubting that she is up to something. She must be gaslighting you pretty hard.

[Art_Critic]

I'm curious..

 

What more do you need before you believe she isn't being real with you ?..

 

All the posters on this thread have all come to the basic same conclusion from the info you have given and think she is cheating and/or not being honest with you.

 

Although I'm married but when I was dating if a GF that I had was texting sexy smut talk with a guy I would already have all info needed to know what was on her mind and where I sit in the relationship.

 

I can't think of one relationship I have been in that I would have tolerated sexy texting or contact with another guy that involved meeting up or any questionable behavior like you have posted about..

 

I think you need to call her out on her behavior..then go find someone else that gives you the respect that you deserve.

Good Luck

[FYS]

A couple of months ago, I read about 50 text sex messages sent back and forth in one evening. One of those texts was about her arranging to meet up with this guy for sex. I confronted her and we split. She was devastated as was I. But we got back together about a week later. She said she was so sorry but nothing actually happened.

 

Well, I checked her phone again today and I read the following:

 

"when are you home then sexy?!" 23:28 1/1/08. She had left mine at midday that day, having spent the last 6 days with me.

 

What are your thoughts about this? How did she know she was away from home? What should I do?

 

Thanks,

 

Jon

I had a similar ordeal with an ex (EX BEING THE KEYWORD). We had been broken up for nearly a year and started seeing one another again. We'd gone camping for a week or so, about 50 miles from my place. We went to HER place and I stayed for a few days... I was texting a friend on her phone when I got a message from one of her friends asking "When will that dude be gone?". Out of curiosity I checked her other texts from him, and realized she'd been talking about meeting up with him once she was away from me again. I confronted her, and she lied and said that she was just trying to get her stuff back from him.

 

That lead on to the fact that she'd been sleeping with him for about a month before her and I got back together... I found out FROM HIM (he had no clue who I was and I ran into him at Wal-Mart) that she'd slept with him right before she left to go on the camping trip with me.

 

Disgusted, I broke up with her and we never got back together again.

[Jon12345]

I am sorry to hear about what happened there. These things can be pretty damaging.

 

I think everybody's case is different and this leads to preconceived notions about what has or is going on. We are all colored by our past experience. For me, it is difficult to extrapolate accurately an entire scenario from one text. My feeling is that she might still be speaking to him, she might have seen him again, she might feel flattened by the attention. But currently these are all mights.

 

I feel reluctant to end a relationship with someone special based on scant information. It has a big impact on my future. Maybe he sent her a text saying "want to come over?" and she said, "no, im at Jon's". So then he asks when she is back. Who knows, it is all speculation on my part. I really want to know what is happened before it eats me alive. Err, too late!

[Art_Critic]

I am sorry to hear about what happened there. These things can be pretty damaging.

 

I think everybody's case is different and this leads to preconceived notions about what has or is going on. We are all colored by our past experience. For me, it is difficult to extrapolate accurately an entire scenario from one text. My feeling is that she might still be speaking to him, she might have seen him again, she might feel flattened by the attention. But currently these are all mights.

 

I feel reluctant to end a relationship with someone special based on scant information. It has a big impact on my future. Maybe he sent her a text saying "want to come over?" and she said, "no, im at Jon's". So then he asks when she is back. Who knows, it is all speculation on my part. I really want to know what is happened before it eats me alive. Err, too late!

 

You seem to have trouble making decisions Jon, all your sentences are prepped with " Might " " Difficult " " Accurately " " Scant " and other words that do nothing but excuse or enable her behaviors.

 

Why not just call her out on it and sit down with her to discuss this issue.. face to face ?

 

It seems to me that you are never going to believe that she could cheat on you unless you find a used condom or see them together or something of that type of concrete evidence.

 

What you need is CLARITY.. and that comes from understanding the situation and the understanding will come from speaking directly with her..

Otherwise you are at a stalemate and will just go crazy with the what if's..

[LucreziaBorgia]

"when are you home then sexy?!" 23:28 1/1/08

 

There is nothing innocent about this. Nothing. I'm not sure why you are trying to convince yourself otherwise. There is no 'might' here. There is no 'maybe'. There is no 'speculation'. This is a woman who has cheated on you, and never stopped. She simply hid it better.

[Jon12345]

My sentences include those words because that is an accurate reflection of the situation. It would be unfair to condemn someone based on insufficient evidence. To say someone is having an affair based on that one message would be speculative. You don't know what her texts to him contained or if she texted him for sure, even if it looks that way. Anyone can make snap decisions but I believe it is wise to mull these things over and take a longer term view. As the expression goes, buy in haste repent at leisure.

 

My dilemma is if I speak to her about it, I lose a way of catching out any potential mischief. e.g. "He kept pestering me and I kept telling him I'm with my boyfriend." And then she is more vigilant about keeping messages off her phone. The result? I will never know what she is up to. The alternative is to say nothing and then keep tabs on things to see what is going on.

 

Everybody is talking about her behaviour regarding this text as being bad, but it was an inbound text, not outbound. We do not know what the scenario is about a text she has received.

 

Clearly, the incident 2 months ago was not good and we split over it.

 

How do we know she hasn't stopped cheating? I am not trying to convince myself one way or the other. Nothing I have said suggests that. I want to seek out the truth.

Edited January 14, 2008 by Jon12345
various

[ElvenPriestess]

Even if there was no actual touching, it can still be called cheating. Jon12345, I once received a text from a guy, and he said something of a sexual nature, and I was in the car with the guy I was seeing, and you know what I did? Handed him the phone and said "How should I reply?" And THAT is what your girl will do if she really doesn't want these other texts from some guy.

[Jon12345]

Yes, I would truly love it if she did that. I think she is sly. She has lots of insecurities and I often wonder how much this impacts on our relationship.

 

My problem is that I find it very difficult to find someone with lots of the qualities I seek. And she has many of them. So I stand a lot to lose.

 

She has trust issues with me, since it is a long distance relationship. She said the only way she can prove her trust to me is by moving in. And I believe she would move in if I suggested it.

 

I do like the idea of grabbing her phone and texting him this: "Hi! i am doing a journal so i can see where my life is going. can you remember roughly the date when we last met?"

Edited January 14, 2008 by Jon12345
various

[ElvenPriestess]

Yes, I would truly love it if she did that. I think she is sly. She has lots of insecurities and I often wonder how much this impacts on our relationship.

 

My problem is that I find it very difficult to find someone with lots of the qualities I seek. And she has many of them. So I stand a lot to lose.

 

She has trust issues with me, since it is a long distance relationship. She said the only way she can prove her trust to me is by moving in. And I believe she would move in if I suggested it.

 

I do like the idea of grabbing her phone and texting him this: "Hi! i am doing a journal so i can see where my life is going. can you remember roughly the date when we last met?"

 

No. She doesn't need to live with you to prove you can trust her. That will only make things worse given the issues you guys have. If you guys have trust problems now, it will only get worse living together. Whole new set of issues.

 

What qualities are so important to discount trust? I mean this is more important than other things, MOST other things. So what are you so afraid of losing?

[LucreziaBorgia]

If you absolutely must, text him but don't do it in that way. That is absolutely transparent.

 

I'm sure if he is calling her 'sexy' then you are bound to get the evidence you need sooner or later.

 

To say someone is having an affair based on that one message would be speculative.

 

It isn't based on that one message. Its based on the fact that your relationship is still fairly new, it is long distance, she already cheated on you, she knew you were looking at your phone, and she simply found a way to better hide what she was doing. Occam's razor: the simplest explanation is the correct one. Particularly in this case.

[Jon12345]

You might be right, but then again you might be wrong. You cannot be sure. I agree it doesn't look good and I am not blind to the fact that she might have started seeing him and my gut reaction is that she probably sent text messages to him. She could be hiding things.

 

I just don't get the principle that someone is guilty of cheating when you have no hard evidence. To me, hard evidence is when I see a text from her saying, "Shall I come over" or something like that.

 

I agree trust is a pivotal quality and it is built over time. But you can trust someone and not even like them!

Edited January 14, 2008 by Jon12345
various

[Art_Critic]

What are your thoughts about this? How did she know she was away from home? What should I do?

 

Now that you have our thoughts about it and how you should proceed what are your conclusions on what you are going to do ?

[Owl]

I'm curious...

 

...you posted here seeking advice on your situation.

 

Yet you have systematically denied every bit of advice given you, saying we can't know the situation.

 

What, EXACTLY, are you looking for here?

[Jon12345]

I have a strong temptation to do this:

 

1. Ask he why she stopped replying to his texts back when we split up. She will say because she wanted to stay together.

 

2. I will then ask if she still texts him.

 

3. If she says no, I will then mention the text.

 

I might do this...not sure yet. The order of what I ask puts her in a difficult position because if she says she is still texting him, it brings up point #1.

 

If she denies it, she will have a problem answering #3.

[Jon12345]

I was looking for balanced, objective views and not a witch hunt. I have not ignored any advice, but listen to what was said. We may disagree on stuff and there is nothing wrong with me stating what I believe.

[Art_Critic]

I have a strong temptation to do this:

 

1. Ask he why she stopped replying to his texts back when we split up. She will say because she wanted to stay together.

 

2. I will then ask if she still texts him.

 

3. If she says no, I will then mention the text.

 

I might do this...not sure yet. The order of what I ask puts her in a difficult position because if she says she is still texting him, it brings up point #1.

 

If she denies it, she will have a problem answering #3.

 

Now your forming a plan.... let that be your lead in for the next set of questions..4,5 & 6....

[Jon12345]

I think I'm stuck after point #3!

[Owl]

OK...here's a good start on that plan for you.

 

There are several very good books out there that might help you build a stronger, safer relationship.

 

"His Needs/Her Needs" talks about affair-proofing a marriage.

 

"20 (Surprisingly Simple) Rules and Tools for a Great Marriage" can also give you some good foundation to build from.

 

I'd suggest you pick those up at your local library, and start by reading them and requesting that she do the same.

 

I'd also strongly suggest that you do an internet search that gives you more information about how affairs work...because you've described a situation which has all the indicators of current infidelity.

[jmargel]

First year after I got married my wife was doing this with an ex. She was so good at lying, and could look you right in the eye. When I would confront her she would often get defensive, watch for that with her. If she also starts laying blanket statements about you and throws out negative comments towards you that's another sign. If she tries to deflect things and starts talking about her privacy issues and such that is a red flag as well.

 

Things didn't change for me until I threw her stuff outside and told her I wanted her out of the house. Life is too short to deal with immature people who will only disrespect you.

 

You don't trust her and she has given you many reasons why. She has not been honest with you about him texting her. Truth untold is the same as lying.

 

Like I said get ahold of the cell phone records, they are online as well. I can guarantee she is calling him as well. She has just gotten better about hiding it. I know you want 110% proof that she is doing this, but you have to rely on her past behavior moreso than anything else right now.

 

Ask her if he has contacted her lately, if she says no then don't say anything. Don't let her know you have caught on. Then make plans to get her out of your life.

 

I was the same way when LS was helping me with my situation. It's hard to believe the closest person to you can betray you like this. It takes awhile for it to sink in. We are not out on a witchhunt, however we try to make you see the big picture. Alot of us have gone through what you have and though there are cases were we have been wrong, the majority of the time is that they are still upto something.

 

Don't accuse her, just keep your eyes open.

[Jon12345]

You talk a lot of sense and there is nothing about your comments that I disagree with. The think on balance it doesn't look good. It is so distressing for me.