Worried82 Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 Totally confused. My girlfriend of 4 years has recenlty cheated on me and yet tells me that "it was a mistake" and that "I am the one for her" and "she has dreams about us starting a familiy and getting married one day". How can this possibly make sense. For the record I am 25 and she is 23. What the Crap?! So now after badgering the crap out of her about her rotten deeds for the last week. She says that she feels as though I am smothering her, which makes sense, Becasue I am! and thats she needs to be alone. So with that I told her that we needed to take some time apart, and that we would talk about things in 1 month(mybirthday). What gives???
Tony T Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 Totally confused. My girlfriend of 4 years has recenlty cheated on me and yet tells me that "it was a mistake" and that "I am the one for her" and "she has dreams about us starting a familiy and getting married one day". How can this possibly make sense. For the record I am 25 and she is 23. What the Crap?! So now after badgering the crap out of her about her rotten deeds for the last week. She says that she feels as though I am smothering her, which makes sense, Becasue I am! and thats she needs to be alone. So with that I told her that we needed to take some time apart, and that we would talk about things in 1 month(mybirthday). What gives??? What gives is that NOBODY wants a partner who pounds on their mistakes constantly over a period of time. If you can't talk about it, resolve it and move on then you won't make a good partner at this time. While she did cheat on you, you have clearly shown an inability to forgive and forget. That, of course, is your prerogative but it's also hers to get away from you. I think both of you are lucky this happened. It doesn't sound like either of you are ready for a committed relationship. Her because she is still looking for exciting adventures (this didn't happen because she doesn't love you...she's simply human and not ready to settle down) and you because you because you haven't reached a point of being able to maturely resolve problems without pounding and pounding. You will find that an inability to bury the past transgressions of a partner will be a great source of unhappiness for you unless you resolve to put them quickly behind. There are NO perfect people out there. Good luck!
whichwayisup Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 You need to break up with her for abit. Think about what you want here because she cheated on you, that's a BIG RED FLAG and an X against you two. I don't think she realizes how serious this issue is and the damage it does. Your love and trust in her will never be the same, and her not really regretting cheating, or trying to show you how sorry she is, trying to regain your trust back isn't helping. She says you are smothering her, well, duh! I wonder why. If you love her and want to give her a chance, then work it out, go to couples therapy together, especially if you want to marry this girl one day.
oppath Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 You need some space, for you, not for her. The only way to endure this is to work through your feelings of hurt, anger, and betrayal. I'd recommend you only see her once a week for a few weeks. And I'm sure there is a book out there on how to get through cheating, that you can read together, etc. This is something that you can't just forgive and forget right away. It takes time to work through it. So create some space so when you do see her, it's positive.
Author Worried82 Posted January 13, 2008 Author Posted January 13, 2008 Heres the the thing, she states that she cheated on me because I always made her feel like she was second fiddle and I would one day leave her high and dry for someone else or better. She also states, which is true, that I am terrible at showing affection, and that she often felt unsure of how I feel toward her. After hearing all of these things that drover her away and towards someone else, I really tried to explain the way I felt and how much I cared and loved her. She then replied that I was only saying these things to make her feel bad or dumb for the mistakes she made, out of spite.
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 Heres the the thing, she states that she cheated on me because I always made her feel like she was second fiddle and I would one day leave her high and dry for someone else or better. She also states, which is true, that I am terrible at showing affection, and that she often felt unsure of how I feel toward her. After hearing all of these things that drover her away and towards someone else, I really tried to explain the way I felt and how much I cared and loved her. She then replied that I was only saying these things to make her feel bad or dumb for the mistakes she made, out of spite. Dont take her back, her issues are way bigger than you can fix!!! She cheated because she thought you would leave her???!?! What kind of crap is that!!! Now that she has cheated your gonna leave anyways!!! and rightfully you should. This chick has issues. I'm sorry but I would be looking to leave. 4 years and she cheats before marriage and not even kids? Dude, dont even think about letting this go on one mre day, split up and start over with someone else. She has alot of growing up to do!
bloodaye Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 im sry,anyone with any kind of dignity and self respect and respect for others does NOT cheat,she is only human? WTF? She cheated! Thats pathetic,b4 u decide to do anything like that,end the flippin relationship first,this dude has every right to b pissed and badger her,i wuld do the same,it doesnt matter what he did or didnt make her feel,cheating is a cop-out,and both male and female use as an excuse,it has nothing to do with what is missing,is has to do with low self esteem,and thats the bottom line.She obviously had issues with her self image way b4 she met him,she cheated to make herself feel better,and im sure she has cheated on previous Bfs
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 im sry,anyone with any kind of dignity and self respect and respect for others does NOT cheat,she is only human? WTF? She cheated! Thats pathetic,b4 u decide to do anything like that,end the flippin relationship first,this dude has every right to b pissed and badger her,i wuld do the same,it doesnt matter what he did or didnt make her feel,cheating is a cop-out,and both male and female use as an excuse,it has nothing to do with what is missing,is has to do with low self esteem,and thats the bottom line.She obviously had issues with her self image way b4 she met him,she cheated to make herself feel better,and im sure she has cheated on previous Bfs Like I said, that chick has issues! lol.
Woggle Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 Be glad to have her out of your life. She showed her true colors while you can still get out with minimal damage so be glad.
watchconcierge Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 im sry,anyone with any kind of dignity and self respect and respect for others does NOT cheat,she is only human? WTF? She cheated! Thats pathetic,b4 u decide to do anything like that,end the flippin relationship first,this dude has every right to b pissed and badger her,i wuld do the same,it doesnt matter what he did or didnt make her feel,cheating is a cop-out,and both male and female use as an excuse,it has nothing to do with what is missing,is has to do with low self esteem,and thats the bottom line.She obviously had issues with her self image way b4 she met him,she cheated to make herself feel better,and im sure she has cheated on previous Bfs Agree with you 100%. WTF was Tony T talking about? Didn't make sense to me. Betrayal is a very serious issue. To be able to immediately forgive and forget would be ideal from an emotional point of view, but I'm not built like that. My wife betrayed me and I couldn't get over it for a year and a half until I finally left her and now I'm dealing with that pain.
Tony T Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 (edited) Agree with you 100%. WTF was Tony T talking about? Didn't make sense to me. Betrayal is a very serious issue. To be able to immediately forgive and forget would be ideal from an emotional point of view, but I'm not built like that. My wife betrayed me and I couldn't get over it for a year and a half until I finally left her and now I'm dealing with that pain. You're still dealing with the paid EXACTLY because you didn't know what I was talking about. Hell yes, betrayal is serious and hurtful. It destroys relationships. But if you're trying to get things back together and you keep pounding and pounding on the person who cheated, nothing will get accomplished. The OP just kept at it for a week with his lady until she finally left. She was right to do so. I really don't think he has a right to badger her. However, if he must he always risks her leaving. Badgering is a very immature strategy that is not conducive to healing. It's how they conduct themselves in trailer parks. If anybody does anything to you, let them know how you feel and then work through it. If you keep churning the crap, you will drive away any healthy person. Talking about things from time to time, especially with a counselor, can certainly be of benefit. But what the OP did was churn the offense over and over until his partner who cheated had enough. The offense was bad enough, getting caught is bad enough...but if you've got to listen to crap for days and days you're better off out of there. I hope this helps you understand a little bit. If you don't, have a friend read it to you and explain it to you. It may help you in human relations in the future. Edited January 13, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Jerome84 Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 I have t agree with Tony here, although betrayal is a serious issue and no matter how much a forgiving person you are it is sometimes hard to forgive, but if you had forgiven her I bet you would have noticed a big change towards the better in your relationship, it would have shown her that you love her more than that, I wouldn't say that this is what everyone should do in this situation, but you guys have been together for some time now and I assume you have something special going for you, hence why I believe that it would have been better to do what Tony said.
Author Worried82 Posted January 13, 2008 Author Posted January 13, 2008 Well, In my personal opinion, I really dont think badgering is a sign of immaturity. If it were incessant badgering year or months after the cheating took place, then yes, that would be immature. But, in the short run, a week, I had two options when dealing with her misdeeds. A) Totally stop talking to her with out trying to understand why she did it, or B) Try and remain civil, while asking questions to understand why she did the things she did. I feel as though B) suited me better becasue it really was such a shock when she told me and I am just a curious type of guy by nature. Yea, perhaps I shouldnt have drilled her with so many questions but to state thats how trailer park trash handle things is a pretty harsh overstatement. Thanks for the Feedback by the way.
LakesideDream Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 Worried, Thank your lucky stars that she's your "girlfriend" not your wife! Let her have her issues, and her defenses. You take your balls and go away. There are few things in life as sweet as finding out your "S.O." Is a lier and cheat BEFORE you have to pay for a divorce. Congratulations and count your blessings.
Woggle Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 When women pull this stuff before marriage and or kids we should thank them because they are doing us a favor. They are waving a big huge red flag and we should heed it.
Author Worried82 Posted January 13, 2008 Author Posted January 13, 2008 (edited) This is true; I guess that is one of the positive aspects pertaining to my situation. Hard to concentrate on that angle, but its definitely a valid point. Edited January 13, 2008 by Worried82
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